Got to just talk

[KellyT]

My wife knows I like womens clothing. I've got various fluffy sweaters that she doesn't mind me wearing around the house in the evenings. We have talked about this and she has a great fear that I will leave her. This is the total opposite and I love her because she accepts who I am, but I feel I need to dress more. I feel I can't push my cross dressing any further with my wife as I feel like I should be the man she married. She has told me she married me because I had a sensitive side. But, I still feel guilty when I want to wear something feminine. There's a mental block, on my part.

I reckon a big part of it is I haven't come to terms with who I am myself yet. I once asked my wife if she minded if I wore a denim skirt of hers. I knew it fitted perfectly from wearing it before. She said okay, but I knew she was wary. I tried it on and felt so stupid and clumsy in front of her I mad eloads of excuses and took it of. I was really angry with myself. I get like that a lot and end up taking it out on people around me.

My wife and kids are away visiting relatives just now and I have a bra, pants, denim mini, black cashmere polo neck, brown tights and knee length fur trimmed boots on. I feel totally relaxed, calm and myself.

As my thread title suggests. I don't really have a subject. I just need some feedback and knowledge that there are others that feel the same as me. A lot of people on here seem confident with themselves and I could just use a bit of that magic.

[Lisa Golightly]

The bit of magic is time, and how long it takes is subjective. I remember feeling awkward and stupid the first time I dressed in front of my first girlfriend... It's a big deal, and I'm sure most of us felt a bit... well exposed I guess. You don't want the person you love to look at you and just think you look silly... You have after all just bared your soul...

It's not an easy thing, but the magic ingredient that is time will help with your confidence.

[KellyT]

Thanks Lisa,
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said "You don't want to look silly". When I'm on my own I don't feel silly", but when in front of my wife I just feel like i'm letting her down.

It's been over 2 years since I told my wife about my cross dresing and it's been very tentative since then. I didn't come out with the full extent of my desires as I didn't want to lay it on her full board, but now I feel it's hard to go back and add bits, if you get my drift. It gets vey frustrating and I don't want to drive her away with my moods

Above all i'm happy to be with my wife. Whatever happens, whoever I am, I'm happy to have someone I love and who loves me and feel lucky for that.

[Lisa Golightly]

Well the moody bit is a relationship destroyer... Been there, done that... Oh, yes... In spectacular fashion.

The very fact that she allowed you to wear her skirt is a very positive thing in my opinion. Many wouldn't have even contemplated it.

I think you just need to constantly reassure her that you love her... and be a bit more open about how you feel. The worst thing you can do is bottle everything up... That way you both end up hurt.

[Gabrielle Hermosa]

I'd like to suggest a few things:

You really shouldn't be confused about who/what you are. Society may have taught you that there are only two choices when it comes to gender, but you know differently. There's a whole rainbow, and not just black and white. In knowing that, you should find some inner peace. You don't need to fit in to the 100% male or 100% female role. Why not just be yourself and forget whatever label suits you best. :) I bet you know yourself better than you think.

Your wife may be worried that if you crossdress that you may intend to become a woman and/or leave her for another in doing so. If you are happy as a man who crossdresses and do not wish to have gender reassignment surgery, then let her know where you stand. If you love your wife and would never leave her, let her know. If you love crossdressing, which I believe you do, let her know that you do and why you do. Forget that "I don't know why I like it" stuff. You can also say "I don't know why ____ is my favorite color" or "why ____ is my favorite dinner." The why doesn't matter so much in the deeper sense - it's all about something you just enjoy. It's a part of you, so LET yourself enjoy it! :)

The next time you dress in front of your wife, relax, enjoy, and be yourself. Forget about what she's thinking - what are YOU thinking? If she looks uncomfortable, you may need to get her to share what's on her mind with you rather than try to be a mind reader. Trust me - the mind reader thing doesn't work. I've been trying to read my wife's mind for a long, long time. It never works! lol

If you are concerned that the next time you dress in front of your wife that it might make her uncomfortable, then get a good conversation going. Get it all out, or as much as she is comfortable with. Let her voice her concerns so that you KNOW what she is thinking. Then you have to tell her where you stand. Only you can put her at ease if she has the wrong idea in her head.

To recap:

* Stop confusing yourself. You're a crossdresser. ENJOY it! I'm a crossdresser too and I LOVE it! I hate how society condemns us, but I personally love who/what I am.

* Talk to your wife and let her tell you how she feels.

* Let you wife know exactly where you stand in your own feelings.

For what it's worth - I waited WAY too long to finally accept myself for who/what I am. I waited way too long to come out to my wife. I wish I had done this many, many years ago. I can never have those years back, but I'll be DAMNED if anyone or anything is going to prevent me from being myself now. I love being a crossdresser, and my wife loves her crossdressing husband. It's a beautiful gift we share together. It's time you and your wife did too. :)

[Petra Bellejambes]

I so feel what you feel. I second Lisa's views entirely. You have a partner that is willing to work and learn in support of your happiness. Its up to you (and really all of us) to not force too much work or too much learning.

I think the feelings of silliness or the lack of confidence comes more from your knowing that the whole story is not in open than it does from how well you pass or how well the skirt suits you.

I truly wish you patience and good luck (and frequent home alone times) on the trip forward. Cheers - P

[Sheila]

Debs had over two years of dressing on her own before we got tog and even she will tell you "he" was scared the first time I got to meet debs ...... and that was on camera ..... the first time I got to meet her in RL "he" was just as anxious .. had to re-do her makeup several times she kept getting it "wrong" ..... "he" was far far more stressed about the whole thing than I was ............ and even now he "asks" by way of saying "I might be Debs tonight" ..... I can only keep saying to "him" in the hope that "he" believes me that I care not what dress mode "he" appears to me in just so long as we are tog ... even if we are 300 miles apart :D.... one day "he" may just accept that I accept and hopefully you will get there with your wife as well :hugs:

[sissystephanie]

KellyT,

As a CD whose late wife was totally supportive, it is hard to put myself in your shoes. But I do understand your apprehension. You obviously have not yet come to terms with the fact that you like to crossdress! Once you accept the fact that you do have a sensitive, rather feminine side you will be more confident of who you are! Expressing that side of you in no way belittles or changes your male persona. Dressing totally feminine does not make you a female! If your wife can accept that, why can't you?

Since your sweet wife let you wear her skirt, it appears that she has already accepted you as you are! Just keep reminding her that no matter what you are wearing you are still her Man underneath! I stopped all CD activity for 5 years during our marriage, and only started up again because my dear wife told me she missed Stephanie in her life!

You need to have a sit down talk with your wife, and explore just how far she is willing to let you go as far as dressing is concerned. One thing my late wife did insist on was that I could not dress openly (panties were O.K.) in front of our children. I never did, and still don't.

The best of luck to both you and your wife. I hope you get everything worked out so both of you are happy!:hugs:

[Satrana]

You know the best way to get over this mental block is to have fun. Make jokes about yourself, get her laughing, just don't take the whole thing so seriously. The more fun you make the experience the easier it will be for both of you to deal with.

[AliceJaneInNewcastle]

* Stop confusing yourself. You're a crossdresser. ENJOY it! I'm a crossdresser too and I LOVE it! I hate how society condemns us, but I personally love who/what I am.

* Talk to your wife and let her tell you how she feels.

* Let you wife know exactly where you stand in your own feelings
I absolutely agree with these points. The second one is perhaps the most important. Sit down with your wife and discuss where you're at and what you'd like to be able to do. If you don't know how far you want to go as a CD (just clothes at home, dressing fully with makeup, wig etc but still staying at home, dressing and going out, etc) but you know that you don't intend to transition, tell her that. She may be willing to help you explore how far you want to go. If she feels uncomfortable, ask if there are any limitations that she wants to apply, such as no CDing in bed, not going out in your local area, etc.

Reassure her that you don't want to be without her. The fact that she will accept your dressing at all means that she accepts your desire to dress at least to that extent. If you feel that she needs more help, there is a forum here that is only open to "females at birth"...

Make sure that she knows that you're prepared to discuss it as much or as little as she wants. If you start exploring how far you want to go, new questions may arise that neither of you have thought of so far.

Alice

[KellyT]

Thanks for all your comments. It is true that the problem lies more with me than my wife. Our relationship is very strong and I know we will get there

[JoAnne Wheeler]

You are in a tough situation - a majority of your sisters have been there -
there is no easy answer - I really think that as difficult as it sounds, you need to tell your Spouse - she may be accepting or she may go ballistic - if you do not tell her and try to keep it to yourself, you may become very depressed, irritable, frustrated and even suicidal (BEEN THERE)

JoAnne Wheeler

[Joanne f]

If your wife is worried that you are going to leave her then i think you should sit down with her and tell her how far you think you intend to go with cding , if it is about the same as you are doing now then i would imagine she will be OK with that but if you intend to go a lot further then you can understand why she has concerns, but at the end of the day it is all about communication between the both of you .

[Rachaelb64]

I knew you feel silly dressing in front of your wife, I did first time I did with my last SO. However, this get better as you get more comfortable with dressing in front of her.

Second point here is, maybe you & wife need to sit down a have a proper talk. Both of you need to express your feeling tell how much you love her and how you dont want to leave her and more importantly listen to her.