Depressed about the way I look...

[tgirlinva]

I basically depressed myself to sleep last night because I really (and I mean really) didn't like what I saw in the mirror. I could point out every flaw I have and the more I looked at myself, the more I felt suicidal. It feels like I can't transition fast enough or that God is punishing me somehow by giving me masculine features. I don't understand the injustice of being one of the fattest Asians on this planet. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. It feels like no matter what i do, I can't lose weight. I literally starve myself to the point where I'm about to pass out, but still no result. I just want this pain to end.... :sad:

[Kimberley]

Hon, I spent a lot of time working as a photographer with fashion models. Girls people actually see and note on the street. I can say with absolute certainty that without exception every one was body conscious and had features they hated.

We just live with what we were given and make the best of it. It is all we can do.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Jenna1561]

I know all about the difficulties of losing weight and the roller coaster ride of weight and emotions that accompany it. I don't know what you're doing to lose weight, but you may need the advice of a physician/nutritionist/trainer.

I don't know your particulars, but specifically whether you are obese or just carrying to much weight or what your age is; I'm obese BTW. If you're obese you might want to meet with a weight loss physician about more drastic measures to get your weight under control. There are options such as Gastric Bypass and Lap Band. I know people who have undergone these procedures and they are all VERY HAPPY with the results.

I'm don't know what masculine features you're disappointed with. But there is not much you can do about changing them right now. Getting your weight under control and at a desirable level is more important.

But you can camoflage your body by wearing the right style of clothing for your body shape and using makeup to help hide the features you dislike. Try the following link. It has some good information.

http://www.mynippon.com/MYNIPPON0602/story113.htm

Hope this helps some and don't get down on yourself. It took quite some time to put on the extra weight, it's going to take a while to get it off. If you ever want to chat, pm me.

Jen

[Kimberley]

Jenna, you make a good point about weight loss. Sometimes we need a push to get started. I have lost about 30 lbs since last summer and hope to lose another 15.

I feel a lot better about myself for sure. Still, I have those same insecurities that I had before. I dont mean in terms of how do I pass and that sort of thing because I have no illusions. I need a Douglas Ousterhout special to really pass. I think in all it has more to do with self esteem than anything.

The days the self esteem bucket is full are always great and I could care less what others think. Let the bucket drain and the insecurities start to creep in. I see that as the real danger because it is so easy to let them take over which starts a depressive episode.

For me, the real key was and still is a damned good psychiatrist. It has made all the difference in how I view myself and others. What others think really doesnt matter unless it is a safety issue. What I think does matter and that requires me to be proactive about myself. (I think that makes sense)

I honestly believe it is all about self esteem first.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[tgirlinva]

Hi - I am by no means obese and don't think any of you look obese. Obese seems sooo extreme. anyways, i'm 5'7 and 140. I'm trying to lose 20 lbs, I think it'll help with my passability. I actually try to limit my daily intake to 300 calories. And that's still not working. I do try to exercise whenever i can, but with work, school, and bf, I hardly get any time for exercise.

[Schatten Lupus]

I've got a weight issue with loosing and gaining. I think it was around November I was at 273, and I got defered for two weeks. At the end of those two weeks I was planning on being below 270 for the first time since I tore my ACL. Weighed in at my next appointment at 278. I was so depressed, and I gained even more. I refuse to get back above 300 though. I was weighing alittle over 310 this time last year, so I know I am making progress. I just wish I would have been a body builder during high school, because even though I haven't lifted weights seriously in 3 years, I have slowly lost the muscle mass, and while I can't lift nearly as much as I use to, I can still easily lift more than the average male.

[KaraChristine]

Hey Sweet Girl, Everyone has been giving you some good advice. Honestly, whoever we are we all have plenty of things we don't like about ourselves. And for trans women especially, the appearance stuff seems so tied in with the years of struggling against the masculine identity. Just remember that we are ALWAYS our own harshest critics - most people would never even notice a lot of our "bad" qualities that bug us so much. And you know of course that there are lots of resources out there to help you - lots of programs to help you get to your ideal weight, tons of beauty counter gals who LOVE to do makeovers on trannies (it's true - I didn't believe it at first but go into a MAC store and they will all swarm around you!) - those things can be a huge help in boosting your ego when you feel down.

But I swear to you - it sounds like BS but it's a real fact - TRUE BEAUTY REALLY DOES COME FROM WITHIN. It's hard for me too, but when you walk into a room with big smile and seem confident and sweet, people will AUTOMATICALLY give you about 50 extra beauty points. And people will be drawn to the positives like your smile and your personality, not the things you see as flaws.

One of the amazing things about being transgender is that because of the struggles we go through, it makes just about all of us very deep, very fascinating people. And that's something that others find very attractive.

You did the right thing by venting when you feel bad and despondent - be sure to talk about it with your therapist/counselor, etc. too so they can help with even more good input.

In a lot of your kind posts, I have been able to see the beauty in you, and I guarantee you that others see it too.

Keep your chin up and keep smiling!!! :hugs:

Kara :love:

[GypsyKaren]

You weigh 140? I'd tap dance naked in Vatican Square if I could weigh 140! Let me give you a little advice: quit seeking perfection because it doesn't exist, and you probably wouldn't like it if it did. Passing comes from between your ears, not a mirror, so quit staring and start moving, rust never sleeps.

Karen :star:

[Jenna1561]

I agree with Karen. 5'7" and 140 pounds - that's definitely not fat. You may only need to tone your muscles. My 19 year old daughter is 5'9" and 145. She's a college athlete and her body is very fit. My wife is 5'4" and 140, a size 4/6, not as toned as she used to be.

No matter how many vitamins and supplements you take 300 calories a day is way TOO LOW. You need to have a much, much higher daily caloric intake, at least 800 probably 1000.

Proper targeted exercise will tone your muscles.

Jen

[noeleena]

hi... okay this is not to compare people just a quide . i am 11 stone ..154 .. 5 . 9 waist 32.1 /2 in.s.. size 14.. hips 37 1 / 2..in.s.. bust 41 .in.. shoes 11 women.s shoulders a size 18 t0 20 . n z sizeing
now i could say i have a few deffects . i do . so what . i am not bothered . why . i am a women at 61. i have good health . i am so happy being me . i am accepted as me . andro is a part of that ..what i am . ill never pass so what. where i lack . its coundered with whats in side the real me not how i look . some times what we see in the mirror is not the real us its what others see in us . not what we think we see . some times we just dont get it . do we . so let the real you shine out ... from you . to help . you can get help in what you eat . a balance of good food will help & plus exercise. . remember you body needs a certain amount of food to function if not. you can get sick. the weight i said i have been that over 40 years . & i regulate what i eat . like if i work ill have a bit more when i stop working i go back to my normal food in take . its just a matter of learning how to do it you are young so youll get there . oh by the way dont blame the Lord . he can help you if you let him .
my s o weighs in under 8 stone ..112 & she thinks shes over weight. no way .. so . its how you see your self ... hope this helps .
...noeleena...

[Katrina]

No matter how many vitamins and supplements you take 300 calories a day is way TOO LOW. You need to have a much, much higher daily caloric intake, at least 800 probably 1000.

I agree, but the number I have heard as an absolute minimum is 1200 calories per day. Any lower than that and your body goes into conservation mode and you will completely screw up your metabolism making it much harder to lose weight.

[Lisa Golightly]

You weigh 140? I'd tap dance naked in Vatican Square if I could weigh 140! Let me give you a little advice: quit seeking perfection because it doesn't exist, and you probably wouldn't like it if it did. Passing comes from between your ears, not a mirror, so quit staring and start moving, rust never sleeps.

The girl has said it all... You probably have other issues which you are projecting as self-image concerns... It's those other issuesyou probably need to deal with.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i yi yi yi yi....did any of your grandmothers say that??!!

i'm 6'2"!@!!!! i hate it i hate it!!!..but i am only 168lbs!! :daydreaming:

but oh well, what can i do?

tgirlinva...you are going thru alot of stuff based on your posts and i really think you should be getting the best medical/pysch help that you can....you have so much going on in your head right now...

if you are 140 lbs then you are a terrific weight......
if you want to lose, then fine, but a 300 calorie a day diet is brutal and not good for you!!!.....so you lose 10 lbs...then what???

if you need to lose weight, just eat a little less of everything every day, and give up bread/pasta/sugar.....it's magical, easy and it really works.....you just have to be patient. i hope you are doing ok,....hang in there

michele

[AmandaM]

Hey, I get like this too. I look in the mirror and hate the way I look. But, I'm learning to change. I am losing weight. I updated my wardrobe. But, I hate my feet. I have guy feet. Or should I say Fred Flintstone feet. Ack. But, I have to keep telling myself I have good things about me too! C'mon, what's good about you?

[pruella]

Hmm interesting this thead popups up.

I weight around 135lb. My tum is 'bloating outwards' and I just can't get enough of the 'fats' to my legs and arms where I need them to supple me up. No wait, I just want it all on the boobs!

I don't think 140lb is overweight. IN fact I thik if you look at the WHO (World Health Organisation) Weight charts you might find you are average to low.

Obeese is one of the women at the primary school I did not know they made jeans in that shape. Honestly. Her ankles are 'normal' size, but her waist was at least 8 to ten times my own. I'm not so good at guessing diameters, but I'm gueing if I'm 38 inches she was well past 140.

I looked in the mirror this morning. Before my makeup, and I saw a pretty women with a square jaw. Then I put my makeup on and say a rather ugly looking creature, dare I say it, a Tranny.

But then I've had some compliments this morning, so myabe it's just me. I was even told I have to encourage other mums to start to dress up nice, rather than look like frumps.

I guess the thing is, I can spend all day looking at myself and feeling miserable, or I can get on with life.

My career has taught me that no matter how hard I strive for 'perfection' I can keep changing, editing, adding more sound, music etc till the day I die and still not have achieved it.

I have to eventually release my vision on the audience around me and let my audience be the judge.

My audience seem to accept me. They don't 'tolerate' me, so that's excellent.

Remember too, people will feel about you, how you feel about you.

[pruella]

i yi yi yi yi....did any of your grandmothers say that??!!

You have a Jewish Grandmother :)


i'm 6'2"!@!!!! i hate it i hate it!!!..but i am only 168lbs!! :daydreaming:

Your kidding? Pull the middle one! (Off please!) No way you look, well, your pic is proportional so that's why!

I'm 6 foot too.


if you are 140 lbs then you are a terrific weight......
if you want to lose, then fine, but a 300 calorie a day diet is brutal and not good for you!!!.....so you lose 10 lbs...then what???

Besides the fact that your body on hormones will fail at every count. Female bodies have fat deposits, it's a fact of life. If you want to look slim lean and trim, then don't change yourself into a woman.

I am sooo thrilled after 30 years ot have celulite! OMG! People spend their lives trying to get rid of it!


if you need to lose weight, just eat a little less of everything every day, and give up bread/pasta/sugar

I'd totally disagree with that. Bread, Pasta and Potatoes are slow adsorbing carbohydrates. They convert to glucose in the body ad travel to the brain where they act like a dampener on synapsing Neurons.

People have so little clue about how their bodies work. Parents say that giving their children sweets at 4 in the afternoon sends their kids wild. Well, got news for you - don't give them sweets and they'll be wild anyway!

The brain NEEDS that glucose. The best source is from Fructose. It prevents, by absorbing, thousands of synapses, only allowing few threw instead. The result, you can think clear and think well, because your brain isn't over loaded and trying to deal with all the noise.

Recently I had some parents who were complaining about their kids going to bed because after dinner the kids jumped the walls for about an hour. I suggested given them a sweet dessert.

Some laughed. Some tried it can reported after a week how great it was that their kids within 30 mins of dinner were calm, relaxed and off to bed. Then the main dinner kicks in and they sleep through the night.

Same happens to adults. On projects, I have a strickt rule of NO LEAFY or GREEN foods. Because the body uses 90% more energy to digest those kinds of foods, and it WILL take glucose form the brain to do so. The only output you get is 10% water, and the other 90% of the green food goes to 'ejection'

It's critical that people consume suitable glucose every few hours, even more frequently if you are very active or doing a lot of brain work.

Of course, like all things in life, moderation applies. No point eating lollies al day and having a calm mind if you put too much carbs into your body and it coverts to fat stores (unless you want to extra fats, and that's not always a bad thing either.)

Try it sometimes. Work hard, physically and mentally for about 5 hours. You will feel hungry and you'll start to get cranky. Eat a candy of some kind and time how long before you calm down. It won't ease the 'hunger' but will set your mind on focus. I estimate between 20 and 40 mins typically. Then time how long before you get all angst again. I estimate between 20 to 30 mins.

Now next time do this. Eat a potato or pasta salad followed by a sweet (actually if you want to shorten the time eat the sweet first!) then time how long it is before you calm down, you will also feel 'full', note the time it takes for you to calm down, will be around 15-30 mins, then note when you start to feel all angst again. I estimate 3-4 hours.

Protein is equally important as it provides building elements for muscles and muscle function.

But like with any products, if you eat carbs and protein they actually cancel each other out. Damn it huh! So try and consume Carbs and Proteins in different variances. Have one meal that is weighted on Carbs with 10% Protein, and the other weighted on Protein and 10% carbs.

Of course consuming simple straight forward balanced meals is always best, even though the carbs and the proteins cancel each other your body still uses a lot of the elements. But if you have a big Thinking Day or Big Physical Day, balancing the element needs of your body will benefit you greatly.

[Schatten Lupus]

I'd totally disagree with that. Bread, Pasta and Potatoes are slow adsorbing carbohydrates. They convert to glucose in the body ad travel to the brain where they act like a dampener on synapsing Neurons.
I'd say rather than give up bread, give up bread made with white flour, and replace it with whole grain bread. The same for pasta. Not only is it much better for you (as it has more nutrients), it isn't refined, which means it's also better for the environment. You also have to make sure it is actually whole grain, because "brown" bread is sometimes brown because the color is added.

[Violet]

tgirl, I'm curious: have you considered therapy? I know it's not for everyone, but I just heard so much pain in your words, and the pain and dissatisfaction suggested some sort of body dysmorphia to me. Please know that I have absolutely no background in therapy or psychology, I'm just a regular old GG who has dealt with weight/ ED issues and who has had friends with eating disorders.

I'm asking about the therapy, because here's the thing: even when you transition fully, you are still going to have the same metabolism, and it's never healthy to starve yourself. I don't think you are being punished-- there are a lot-- a LOT-- of GGs out there with masculine features, broad shoulders, etc. There are GGs who hate the hips that make them look so feminine.

I just think that what you need the most right now is to learn how to be comfortable with your body and with yourself. I bet there are a lot of beautiful things about you that have nothing to do with your body. Maybe you are a really good listener. Maybe you are a pianist. Maybe you can multiply columns of figures without breaking a sweat (unlike myself...). Maybe you love to paint.

I guess the point of my post is: you are so much more than the sum of your exterior features. If your OP was just a rant, forgive me for getting so in depth, but... if it wasn't... please consider talking to someone about these issues. :hugs: