Out with the family

[Jacquilynne]

OK, I'm kinda depressed :( and I went out dressed today.

Yeppers On Saturdays we (my SO and kids) go do our weekly errands . . . grocery shopping to be exact. But this Sat. was different, I really wanted to get out en femme today so I decided to heck with it I'll just go with the family on our errands as Jacie.

Normally going out alone, I have confidence and don't care too much if I get clocked. And Actually I really don't notice either. Today, for some reason, was different. I felt terribly self-conscious ALL the time I was out. My SO said she didn't mind that I was dressed, the kids didn't seem to either but I felt I was being stared at the whole time. It was horrible!!

To make matters worse, my SO asked me to get something she missed during our shopping in one of the stores and after I got back to her, she chuckled. Later, I asked what that was all about and she said something like:

"It's not exactly as though you were noticeable like a guy walking around in heels, a dress, or badly done make-up and wig Monty Python-esque but you definately were noticeable."

"Also, Its not that you are ugly but I'm looking at you like other people would see you and you were noticable."

I was at least hoping for somewhat passable or that I blended in fairly well -- but NOTICABLE. :cry: That hurts. I know I am not a woman but least I hope I'm not an just ugly guy in fem clothing. I'd like to think that I could be somewhat passable as one. Now, I wasn't wearing anything too crazy . . .

http://i483.photobucket.com/albums/rr200/Jacie2b/casual.jpg

minus the 4" heels . . . I have some 2" heels that are more low key. Thats basically how I looked today.

I'm just wondering if she is biased and she sees me as she always has -- her husband. I'm thinking this is so. But I tried to say something to that effect to her and she just stood behind the fact that to her I was noticeable. Is this her subtle way of saying she too was uncomfortable being out with femme me? Possible.

I guess with every adventure out, there will be some good times and some not so good. This was the latter. Maybe I was getting too comfortable in my own Pink fog that I needed a reality check. . .

Anyway, I guess for now I'll just go out on my own, but I will still go out. . .The closet is behind me . . .

confidence shaken.

Jacie

BTW -- I'm curious, what has shaken your confidence in the past?

[Fraye]

Disclaimer: I never offer my opinion on whether someone is "passable" based on a tiny picture posted on a bulletin board.

It's almost a certainty that your SO is biased; after all, she lives with you every day, and is most likely more familiar with your face, mannerisms, and every other part of you that visually denotes you as "you" than anyone else is. No matter how you do your hair, apply your makeup, or dress yourself, the one person on the planet most likely to know it is you is her. It's not malicious or negative it's just a fact of life.

More interesting would be whether or not she can spot other crossdressers out in public - this will tell you whether she has awesome radar for this kind of thing or whether she just knows it's you because she knows it's you.

If she wants to be helpful, talk to her about what was giving you away - if she has specific tangible items, you can work on them - great. If her response is very vague - "You just look like you", then you might want to look into a) seeing if there are other issues (like you mentioned, maybe she is more uncomfortable then she lets on), or b) don't worry about it.

[JoAnne Wheeler]

If you went out exactly like the photograph depicts, then I think that you would be stared at. I am trying to be HONEST. If that is not the picture of the way you went out, then post one showing the way

JoAnne Wheeler

[DonnaT]

"Also, Its not that you are ugly but I'm looking at you like other people would see you and you were noticable."

Thats basically how I looked today.

I'm just wondering if she is biased and she sees me as she always has -- her husband. I'm thinking this is so. But I tried to say something to that effect to her and she just stood behind the fact that to her I was noticeable. Is this her subtle way of saying she too was uncomfortable being out with femme me? Possible.
Your self confidence may have taken a hit, but the more you repeat the experience, the better you'll feel. And you won't have to limit your time to alone time. Seems your family handled it well enough, you might want to do it more often to get used to it.

I do believe your wife may have been a little biased, not uncomfortable. Most likely she saw her husband, not Jacie, with breasts and wearing a bra.

I just tell my wife, go ahead and laugh, from the outset, to get her passed it.

[Ruth]

Count your blessings darling. Your wife is willing to go out with you dressed en femme.
She is very supportive even if she chooses to be critical about your appearance.

[Jacquilynne]

If you went out exactly like the photograph depicts, then I think that you would be stared at. I am trying to be HONEST. If that is not the picture of the way you went out, then post one showing the way

JoAnne Wheeler

WOW! That is brutally honest!! I don't think what I was wearing was that bad :o Also, I wasn't wearing the same heels in the above photo. . . I was wearing some 2" heels instead.

I think it was mostly my feeling of being stared at. . . but I could be wrong. . . I was carrying a simple purse too. (a dead give away, though I was with my wife so I could have been carrying hers.)

From talking with her more, I think she's somewhat uncomfortable and just dosen't know how to tell me. . yet!

Really, I don't think I look all that bad. . .I might not be the most passable but. . . I'm trying and enjoying my time getting out. . .I think it takes courage just to step out the door.

Jacie

[Christina Horton]

your pic looked like a guy trying hard t look fem. Don't get me wrong you look ok. If you want to pass wear something more fem. Your makeup needs a little work but not bad. Your avatar looked better. You need to fix your hair better. You see I an in the same boat your in oh not the famliy. I am not singel. But I don't pass eather. You wanted honest comments well there you go. Don't let anything we have said keep you from going out just have fun huggs :canada:

[EryLynn]

Jacie, the pic you posted shows you without any make-up. If you had just put on some foundation to even out the colors in your face you'd probably not be so noticeable.

But as far as your SO, it may just be that SHE noticed you, and not that you were inordinately noticeable.

As an analogy, let me offer this: Years ago I purchased a vehicle that up until that point was unnoticed by me as I drove around previously. In fact, I wasn't sure of the look of the vehicle until I showed up to pick it up (I was buying a work car because the previous one had died).

After owning the vehicle less than a couple of weeks, I began to notice other vehicles of the same model more often. Did they suddenly come out of the garages or did I just suddenly start noticing them? A friend of mine is positive it is the latter.

Your SO, having seen you "en-femme" knew you for being male and was therefore attuned to you as a male... hence, she noticed every little nuance of your "male-ness" she thought you exhibited... or she perceived as being male-ness being exhibited.

There have been times when my SO and I have gone out "dressed to the nine's" as she says, and where I've still noticed my male side, she tells me that it's not as noticeable as I feel it is.

Just my thoughts
Ery

[PretzelGirl]

From talking with her more, I think she's somewhat uncomfortable and just dosen't know how to tell me. . yet!


You have to assess your own wife's feelings and her personality. If she is uncomfortable, would she say something or would she just want to let you be happy? If she is timid, do you have to back down what you do some so she relaxes and then speaks her mind.

In the end, only you know. So think about her and what you think you are feeling and go with it. But if you sense something in her, don't blow it off. It is too easy to let our desires push our decisions.

[mykhelee]

I think you may be a wee bit tough on yourself. My daughters will admit that they are not the ones to ask about whether I pass or not because they still see "Dad" when I am dressed. Same with long time friends.
It is entirely possible that your SO is being a bit harder on you than is realistic, after all, you are messing with her comfort level in a serious way.

A couple of simple things from my rather jaded point of view. NEVER go out without hair and make up done. The clothing will fall into place if the basics are taken care of. Don't make the mistake of thinking that you have to wear heavy make up, many of us make that mistake, it will draw more attention to you than you may think. Go to a beauty supply shop and take the time to find the foundation that works best for your skin tone and build a make up set from that. It will allow you to have a natural look that will be age appropriate and will allow you to blend in.

Hope it all works out for you,
Peace,
Khelli

[Sally2005]

Get your digital camera out and take photos, lots of them, not for the purpose of capturing the perfect image, but for capturing how you look to others from different angles. Then a few days later take a critical look at all the photos and rate them for femaleness. Try looking at your beard area, hair, nose...etc etc. Do they all look feminine? If not, is there anything you can do to improve the look? Then spend time learning to perfect those with makeup or wig, hairstyle or whatever works. Then you will blend better. Get your wife to help. Maybe even do a makeover at the local makeup shop or something. Overall, I don't see too much that needs fixing in what you are wearing, but your hair looks a little messy from the photo and I think I see beard shadow. From what I can tell, you have a feminine shape to your face so you will probably have great success with some fine tuning.

or maybe, When you're out you don't swaggar like a cowboy...do you? :-)

[Jacquilynne]

I think she's just trying to be honest about how I look to her and possibly to others . . . I agree, I'm may not be terribly passable . . . not too experienced in the makeup part of things. . . I am an artist/painter so I think I could do a fairly decent job without too much effort. Maybe. Just need the supplies :)

I haven't done too much with makeup due to the fact we still have young children that would be confused seeing "daddy" look all "made up". Also, I think it'd be a bit much for my wife to see me that way . . . thinking of the boundaries thing -- need to ask how she feels about this. Most importantly,and what I feel is her real concern with me being "dolled up" is that I have to be cautious as we know a good many people in this city (from churches we've attended, former co-workers, family, and such) and almost every trip out run into someone we know . . . and only you all and my wife know of Jacie :o Ti could be hard to explain and cause more trouble for my family.

Another item of note: I was wearing some light foundation, concealer, blush and lipstick. . .fairly light and more natural. (I haven't invested in a whole lot of makeup yet -- need to I understand.) for further clarification, In the posted photo I wasn't wearing much makeup . . . that was just to show what I was wearing clothing-wise. :D

As for my long hair . . . don't know what else to do but to pull it back. . . when it is down and fixed to add body, it kinda looks like a stringy mess (want to get a new perm -- had it permed once and it lasted a good while!). Ideas??



But as far as your SO, it may just be that SHE noticed you, and not that you were inordinately noticeable.

Finally, I think the above quote may be closer to the real case. . .albeit, I am still learning and have definitely NOT arrived at being passable and may never be.

I say this as I've gone out on my own a handful of times and did not notice or even feel as if eyes were staring at me . . . they possibly may have been but the confidence of my "Pink Fog" may just have been blinding me :eek:

I do appreciate your honesty . . . a bit jarring but honest. I may have needed the reality check. . . still trying to find my way. Learning to take constructive crits better as I'm naturally defensive in attitude . . . spent a good portion of my life either being sheltered as the sickly child or being stepped on . . . finally had enough about 15 yrs ago! Anyway, Thanks for the support and understanding . . .

any help is appreciated.

Jacie

[Jacquilynne]

or maybe, When you're out you don't swaggar like a cowboy...do you? :-)

Great tips . . . I have taken some photos and am not terribly photogenic . . . I wasn't wearing much makeup in the photo :o My hair was a bit neater than in the photo as well. . .but similar in look.

I do need makeup help though -- maybe not in application but in selection. :o

Jacie