nothing left...

[Michelle Ellis]

...

[Emily Anderson]

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way, and I hope you find professional help.

Having said that, I'm not really sure I see a correlation between crossdressing and suicidal tendencies.

[Joanne f]

There are many things in life that can make someone so down and depressed that they feel there is only one way out , but the truth is that there are many ways out and ending a life is not one of them as that only passes it on to the ones who are close to you .
Being a Tranny as you put is can cause problems (believe me i know) but it is never enough that will not get sorted out eventually, you really do need to find someone who you can talk to as there is a way forward give yourself that chance and give your family that chance.

[Lisa Golightly]

well... I dunno what I'm doing here. I kinda gave up on this place a while ago :(

I guess it's because you want to talk... regardless of how you feel about some of the posters. Talking is good... but I'll not say it's a cure all... My scars prove that.

I'm worried about you...

Be safe... even if it's for someone you don't know or have never met...

Lisa x

[Carole Cross]

Michelle, I do hope you can find another way to lift your depression. If you need to talk, I guess most of us here would be willing to help. I have been through periods of feeling depressed and have thought about suicide but I couldn't do it because I know how hurt my family would be.
I wish there was some way I could help. :hugs:

[Nicki B]

..I'm not longing for relief, I just want an end to the pain.

'Chelle, what causes you such pain?


I'm obviously a tranny - I know that - but I can't accept it, no matter how I try...

Many of us do manage to accept ourselves - but it takes time. And you have to be willing to forgive yourself?


I ask myself all the time, how can I live? I have no answers... I don't want to die and leave my family with a ghost (that's figurative btw, I don't believe in the supernatural). I love my family so much... I don't want to hurt any of them, or leave them with such thing as their son or brother killing himself. So I ask myself all the time, How can I live? still no answers... so I ask how can I die? and no answers there either :(

If you kill yourself, you will, irrevocably and permanently, damage those you love - to the extent one or more of them may also then commit suicide.

YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP - YOU CAN'T EXPECT TO DO THIS ALL ON YOUR OWN.

Telephone lines are a start - but they will only help if you go on into some sort of proper treatment to deal with this properly?

Look around - many people find this world thrilling & wonderful. Wouldn't you like some of that? It is possible, trust me...

[Kayla Shadows]

I understand your feelings greatly.Im a girl who has deffinately had her share of pain.Pain that causes more pain..pain that causes other people pain..and sometimes I feel very misunderstood and discarded for it.Ive seen friends who were much more like enemies and love that was much more like hatred.The world can be a very cold place.It seems like everyone I love always goes away,everything is always destroyed and Im left with nothing.People are sometimes not who they say they are,things arent what they seem and it takes a lot to see through the illusion.Who we are is not always the easiest.Mixed with ther things It can be quite chaos.There is light ahead if you let it come into your life.The future has not been told yet.Believe me,I know how hard it is to look at things positive.When your hanging on to your sanity by a thread,it is extremely difficult.Things can seem very hopeless and faith is hard to grasp.They can feel like the farthest things able to be obtained.When we think we cant go any farther,there is something inside us thats very powerful and will prove ourselves wrong.I feel very much in the dark but,I will embrace this darkness and find the light within it.Talking to people will help but, you have to want things to get better.Sometimes the change you need to see in the world starts with you.Be strong and be proud of who you are.We are with you :hugs:

[GypsyKaren]

Michelle, you have my number, please call me anytime day or night.:hugs:

Karen Starlene :star:

[Zenith]

Well I'm not sure this will help...I often feel the same way...don't want attention...just want to end the pain...so here is some advice...

Keeps me going on my bad days---treat yourself to a banana split or a fully optioned latte or an afternoon in the book store...or a good jazz CD...or a roll of quarters in the closest arcade...or some new jewelry or accessories at Claire's...these are my favorite things...but fill in the blanks with your own...sometimes little things can take your mind off and pick you up...

Keeps me going on my worst days----do you want to die not ever having lived as your true self...I mentioned this when I first started posting...I will keep going for now because I pray I will die a woman...

[gagirl1]

I don't want to die and leave my family with a ghost (that's figurative btw, I don't believe in the supernatural). I love my family so much... I don't want to hurt any of them, or leave them with such thing as their son or brother killing himself.

focus on this fact. it will help greatly to reduce the want to harm yourself. i've been in your position, not too long ago. and many wonderful people here helped me through it. now, i want to help you. please please please don't do anything stupid. there is so much in the world to live for, sometimes it's just hard to see through the sadness. is there someone you can call who can come over and help you through this in person? i mean, we can only do so much from our desks. call a family member, a friend, anyone who will just give you a big damn hug and tell you it's going to be alright. because it is going to be alright. things will get better.

[Michelle Ellis]

I'm sorry everybody, I shouldn't have done that.... I'm just freaking right now...

I can't read this right now...

again I'm sorry

[gagirl1]

it's just good to know you're still here, and trying. it's a step in the right direction

[Kimberley]

Having been there before (and not so long ago either) I have a little trick I use.

Understand that suicide is the loss of ability to cope. Nothing more. When we have no more coping mechanisms left that is usually where we end up. What I do is promise myself to wait just 24 hours. Usually something goes into the self esteem bucket in that time... in fact something ALWAYS does. Regardless, you need to get in touch with a suicide hotline, go to an emerg. psych intake clinic; anything but do NOT leave yourself at risk.

I am lucky and thankful I blinked instead of ... well, let's just say that today no matter how bad it gets, I have always got some sort of tool or support I can call on. That is the real key.

Look after yourself first hon. You are more valuable to you than you realize.

:hugs::hugs:
Kimmie

[deja true]

I'm sorry everybody, I shouldn't have done that.... I'm just freaking right now...

I can't read this right now...

again I'm sorry


Don't be sorry, Michelle...

Be anything but sorry...

Be angry... be furious... be puzzled...

Be you... and if you don't like you... become somebody else!

See you in the morning.

Coffee at 6:30 AM EST.

Be there!

[Sally2005]

Its all right! ;-)

[Zenith]

I'm sorry everybody, I shouldn't have done that.... I'm just freaking right now...

I can't read this right now...

again I'm sorry

Really...many of us feel that way from time to time...nice to see your new post...:itsok:

[sandra-leigh]

I'm sorry everybody, I shouldn't have done that.... I'm just freaking right now...


A few years ago, after a period of high stress, I went through The Year From Hell. I was too sick to have any idea what was wrong with me, until the end of the year and I by chance read an ad from a company looking for people for a Depression study and I realized only then what I'd been dealing with all year.

I was alone that Christmas and a week into January, and having improved enough to be able to process some kind of coherent thoughts, I started having thoughts about suicide and started getting pretty scared, and it would all feed back into more negative thoughts.

For me, it wasn't the day to day "I'm sick today" that was the Big Problem: the Big Problem was the feeling I had that I was never going to get better, that I was doomed to a (however-long) life of feeling worse than warmed-over dog dirt. Yeah, I knew intellectually that Something Good Might Happen, but emotionally the chances of that were worse than winning the lottery... "Something Good Might Happen"? *Snort* Yeah, like President Bush might resign from principle, or Little Green Men From Mars might fly down and bring us World Peace -- Fairy Tale Magic, not any real possibility that I would ever feel good again. The Depression led me to despair that the rest of my life would vary between Somewhat Poor and I Want Out Of This. It was a severe lack of Hope, and it went whirling around and around in my brain and it didn't stop while I was awake. I slept a lot just to escape from my thoughts.

Somehow I survived that phase, and somehow I managed to find a competent doctor who actually listened to me. It's been a few years now. The underlying physical sickness is still there: I am not "cured", but I've had a lot of "really not so bad" days since then. My life got more stressful again last year and my body is relapsing, but this time I haven't lost my Hope: I know this is a phase and that my body will improve again. Even this week, when I'm taking a week off to relax: yeah, I'm sleeping more than I would like, but I'm also researching home renovation projects, calling up contractors and making appointments -- I have some Initiative, which is something that was in pretty short supply during the bulk of my recovery from the depression.

[Lisa Golightly]

I'm sorry everybody, I shouldn't have done that.... I'm just freaking right now...

I can't read this right now...

again I'm sorry

I didn't sleep well last night... I was worrying about you...

I was so relieved to see that you had posted again...

I'll be thinking of you all day... It's just the way I am.

*hugs*

Lisa x

[Kayla Shadows]

I'm sorry everybody, I shouldn't have done that.... I'm just freaking right now...

I can't read this right now...

again I'm sorry

Its ok.Hang in there.Its just good to see your back again.Read and talk when you feel relaxed enough.We'll be here :hugs:

[Joanne f]

Please do not be sorry for posting what you did, we are there to help in any way we can , yes there is a lot of silliness that go`s on here but there are also a lot on there that can give you good help and advice do not be afraid to seek it and you get a lot of respect for doing that .

[deja true]

Well?

[Sharon]

I'm sorry everybody, I shouldn't have done that.... I'm just freaking right now...

I can't read this right now...

again I'm sorry

There's no need to apologize, Michelle -- many of us have been where you find yourself now. You reached out to us, which is a great first step. I hope you reach further and try to talk to someone who wants to listen to you and try to cheer you up a bit. I know there are others you have reached out to in the past, and I beg of you to do it again. But, if you ever want to talk to someone different, who once felt exactly as you feel now, PM or e-mail me with your phone number and I will call you as soon as possible. You can trust me and I want to help. :)

:hugs: :hugs:

[JennyTG24]

Hiya michelle, im so sorry to read that you are going through such a rough time. I have been feeling the same way hun for a long time but if you end your life now then nature has won. i have always said that i wont die in a man's body and i wont. I know that sometimes you feel like whats the point, you look in the mirror and you see nothing looking back and this feeling causes so much pain and sorrow but if you give in to it. you will never know what the future will bring, the future wont cause pain and wont cause sorrow, im quite new on this site but from the impression i have got about you from what i have read from other people and what you have typed yourself you seem like a nice person and caring too. just hang in there girl, i promice things will get better..

Take care

Jenny *hugs and Kisses*

[Nicki B]

again I'm sorry

Absolutely NO apologies are necessary.. Just stay with us? :hugs:

[Michelle Ellis]

thanks everyone... maybe I shouldn't be replying yet... but I'm so tired... when I think of the chances of something good happening or coming into my life, yes, it's a lot like winning the lottery. I have as much hope for that as I would suddenly becoming rich. I just don't see it happening.

this depression and it's suicidal thoughts is nothing new... I've never been able to see a good future, I knew I was this way since my first conscience thoughts... it has kicked my ass - forever. and the days come and the days go, and they are all the same. I just don't want any more of that. when I think of spending years more full of days like this... it just seems like cruel and unusual punishment to me. and I can only see one thing that can change it :(

no, I don't have anyone. I came out to my sister a couple years ago thinking maybe that would make things better. but it seems to have only confused me further. she's so sweet, and helps me with everything girlie I could ever want. but sharing my feelings with her doesn't help. it only scares her. and then *I'm* the one giving comfort... saying things like "no, I'll never do 'it'... don't worry... " when all the time I know I'm not speaking honestly.

I'm so sick and tired of trying to convince myself that the world doesn't hate me, that I have a place here. But I don't believe it! all I have to do is open my eyes and ears and I see the hate everywhere I look... I FEEL it when someone walks past me in public with their dissaproving stares... I used to look up and smile at people, but the more fem I become the more everyone looks away! I can't believe I'm a part of this... this crap that I call reality. I see it and hear it on TV and the radio and the news... it's getting so I avoid ALL these things... they all bring pain... and I want to be done with pain... I've had more than I can take...

I've been going about my (so called non) life for the last few days absolutely avoiding all eye contact and conversation... because I'm just so tired, I don't want to hear anyone or see anyone or have to deal with anyone.

I'm just nuts... and I swear, if I were reading this I would think I'm trying to paint the worst possible picture ever. and it scares me to think this is all going on...

professional help is not an option for me.

so, it seems I've ranted away again... I could keep going and going, I have so much to complain about it seems... so all I've left is to decide weather to post this or just type it all out and delete again... it as I often do. I don't feel right putting this on anyone. that might be the real reason I haven't been around, I just don't ever have anything good to say anymore :(

[Lisa Golightly]

so, it seems I've ranted away again... I could keep going and going, I have so much to complain about it seems... so all I've left is to decide weather to post this or just type it all out and delete again... it as I often do. I don't feel right putting this on anyone. that might be the real reason I haven't been around, I just don't ever have anything good to say anymore :(

You just keep typing... and I'll keep reading Angel. I read it because I care, because I remember my horrible times, and if I could see you I'd give you a smile... *hugs*

[morgan pure]

Oh, Michelle,
I'm sorry I didn't see this thread earlier. I've been there a million times. What I discovered was that if you put it off for a day, you always are glad that you didn't do it. The last time I was seriously seriously down, like lying around for days doing nothing, closing my eyes and imagining it I remembered that. So I smoked some pot and said to myself, I'll do it tomorrow if I still feel this way. The next morning I was in a different mood. I was hungry or something so I made breakfast, then something distracted me, pulled me out of myself for a minute. I said, "Oh shit, I'm not ready."

I have no problem with suicide if there's no hope. Regular people don't understand how difficult life can be. It can seem like no one can understand us, that we are alienated and despised. The reality is we're just ignored. Most people have their own little worlds and don't see much beyond them.

But yes, we are freaks to the world. But you will be suprised at how you will meet acceptance in the oddest places. And I take a certain pride in it. We are breaking ground. Just by existing and not conforming we are being very brave. Don't take that for granted. By insisting on being who you are you are bucking 3000 years of culture mores and making it a better culture.

Remember. Always wait one day. And don't worry, you'll be dead soon enough.

Love,
Morgan

[Nicki B]

..and then *I'm* the one giving comfort... saying things like "no, I'll never do 'it'... don't worry... " when all the time I know I'm not speaking honestly.

professional help is not an option for me.

Could you explain why not? It really, really sounds as if you need it. You can't you push that rock up the hill without help...



I'm just nuts...

Honey, you're not 'just' anything and certainly not nuts. Look around - other people know exactly where you are and have been there, too. It is possible to come out the other side and find a life worth living?

xx

[Michelle Ellis]

I can't go for professional help for a couple of reasons, first, I can't afford it.

And second, ok no more rants outta me LOL lets just say it's been my life long experience that doctors suck.

But I'm not against talking... it's just unfortunate that you have to PAY them for that.

I've thought about talking to our pastor at church... but I don't even know him, last I went to church I was about 12. and I'm not particularly religious by any means... if the pastor from when I was a kid was still there I would have already seen him... without a doubt, there's only about 3 men in this world that I know that I have any respect for, he was one (sigh)...

[deja true]

I can't go for professional help for a couple of reasons, first, I can't afford it.

Gotta job? Maybe they'll pay for it.
In college? Help should be free.
LGBT support group anywhere near you? Maybe they can help.
City, County, State clinics near you?


...And second, ok no more rants outta me LOL lets just say it's been my life long experience that doctors suck.

But I'm not against talking... it's just unfortunate that you have to PAY them for that.

But there are also plenty of others to talk to.

There's us...and you've found some listeners here. You've also found that there are people here who undrstand very well what you're going through. Just because we're on the other end of your keyboard doesn't mean we're not real people.


I've thought about talking to our pastor at church... but I don't even know him, last I went to church I was about 12. and I'm not particularly religious by any means... if the pastor from when I was a kid was still there I would have already seen him... without a doubt, there's only about 3 men in this world that I know that I have any respect for, he was one (sigh)...

And if you don't like doctors, how about ministers? You already mentioned one, so we know there is some spirituality in you. Have you heard of the MCC church? Metropolitan Community Church...decidedly lgbt friendly...and there's at least one in every major city in North America. Google 'em...

There may be more options than you think.

Michelle, I think you're a worthwhile person. You should, too. You know how I know, even though we've never met? U spell reel gud!

(Missed you at coffee, btw!)

:)

[Holly]

Michelle, as evidenced by the people who have responded to this thread, there are those who care for and about you.

I'm sorry that you have had bad experiences with counselors in the past. But it doesn't mean that they are all bad. As for expense, have you tried resources through your local GLBT group? Many offer low or no cost counseling. If there is nothing in your town, try the next large town near you. Or check with your county to see what they may have available.

And as other have pointed out already, you have us!:hugs:

[morgan pure]

I've had 4 threapists and none of them knew as much about life as I did. My first was in 1970, he was Rogerian and he just said, "Uh huh, umm, yes." What stopped me from committing suicide then was my friends. They all knew where I could get quaaludes, the popular downer then, but every one of them lied and said that they were all out. So I didn't do it. There are good therapists, though. I know people who have benefitted from it. My sister.

Distract yourself. Find some little aspect of your life that you CAN control. Buy a new bra. When the big things are irreparably ****ed up, sometimes a little thing makes all the difference in the world. The thing that has also kept me alive is the effect on the people who love me. I'm very lucky that way, and even though they would get over it all too soon, a lot of eople would feel bad is I suddenly disappeared from their lives in some sordid affair.

I want to die in a dress. I want to be burried in a dress, but my ex-wife will never go along with that.

Love,
M

[Kaitlyn Michele]

hey michelle...we're all still here!!!

i have deleted many many rants......typing them out sometimes is all i need...

it sucks for all of us that an unfair world makes us go through this...

i have a therapist...

i ranted to her for 45 minutes straight about how hard this is, how depressed i was ....etc etc

she said...

"yeah but think of it this way, you are living out your ultimate dream, how many folks can say that??"

AND you are certainly not nuts!!!

[Kayla Shadows]

maybe I shouldn't be replying yet...

Remember,you cant change tomarrow if you dont try to change today.Trust me,don't be silent!

My refusal to open up and talk has cost me greatly.A cycle that had to be broken.The pain causes more pain and it goes on and on.

The world is full of cruelty..but,it is also capable of such beauty.The looks you get from people do not define who you are.In order to see that,you have to love yourself first.


I FEEL it when someone walks past me in public with their dissaproving stares...
I posted this in another thread :

"I seek for no other persons opinions of me to define who I know that I am, for it is not what they think that makes me, but what I know I am made up of."

"People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway. If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies; Succeed anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway. What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough; Give the world the best anyway."

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Choose your words, for they become actions. Understand your actions, for they become habits. Study your habits, for they will become your character. Develop your character, for it becomes your destiny!"

"Opus est te ipsum eam morum mutationem facere quam videre optas"
Sometimes "you must be the change you wish to see in the world".


Just some helpful things that Ive read into and feel hold a lot of truth.Ive had a extreme time dealing with things and its come with much loss.Things that I feel I will never get back because they are irreplacable.Which leaves me with feelings I cant properly describe in words.There are so many and they are implacable.Something that I will pay for in many,many of my days.But I have to push on and live with that.All I can do is change the areas I can and be strong for the people I care about so I can be there for them too.I understand this is life and no one said it was going to be fair.The severity of that truth is something I did not wish for but,I have been my own enemy in a lot of this.I let the world change me through its harshness and become what I am not.In turn,I hurt people because I lost the instinct of what reality was.I fell so far that to me it just wasnt something that existed anymore.I always started to think the worst..and I let myself become everything I hate.Fear and pain become a prison with very think walls and its hard to break out of.We are here for you and people care.Remember that Michelle.I cant say,listen to me,this is what you do,its so easy...because it is not and I know that very well.I have my pain but I now refuse to let others shape me and change who I am.The same right I extend to others is what I would like for myself.To be able to be me just as they have the freedom to be who they are.If that is something they want to rip from my possession,then they are no concern to me.I believe in equality and acceptance of all.If that doesnt quite click,then they and I are a very different species and I see it for what it is.What they think of me is not who I am.I am I and very proud of the person that is.

[Michelle Ellis]

better today, feeling kinda numb and emotionally spent tho. I'm sorry if I made anyone worry.

I'm going to try and break out of my rut, maybe go visit my sister for a few days, she's my only family member that I'm out to so far.

I want to say thanks to everyone for putting up with my ranting! you all had some really worthwhile things to say.

M