Preconceptions vs Reality

When I look back at my life, to even five years ago, I would never have imagined that the day would come when I would be living as Sara. The reasons for that had nothing to do with a lack of a strong desire, even need, to be true to myself and to live as the person congruent to my soul. The reason that I could never see myself living true to myself as Sara had everything to do with fear and preconception. I still recall the disappointment and horror I felt the first time I dressed up as Sara in full make up, wig and clothes. The image in the mirror looking back at me looked ridiculous. Even with a very close shave and heavy make up, my beard shadow was easily visible. My caterpillar unkempt eyebrows screamed "man in a dress" and everything about the image in the mirror screamed that "you can never pull off living as a woman". I was absolutely certain that it would be impossible for me to ever look enough like a woman that I could live in open society without feeling that I would be the object of other people's scorn and mockery. That was the preconception that I harbored. The reality, however, has turned out quite different. Nearly three years of hormones have had a significant impact on everything from facial features, to softer skin to getting some curves. Laser hair removal and electrolysis, though still in progress, have removed ninety five percent of my facial hair. What I thought to be impossible five years ago has turned out to to not be so impossible. I consistently pass as female with the general public and in the year and a half of living openly and full time as Sara I have not had one hateful comment launched at me. So many of my fears and concerns have been proven wrong.

I know that I am not the only person to have had incorrect preconceptions. Those of you who have transitioned, what preconceptions did you have? Did they come to pass or did you discover that you had blown things way out of proportion in your mind? Those of you who are now where I was five years ago, what are your concerns about living as your true selves? I would love to hear other people's experiences in this matter.

Thank you for this thread. It's just what I need. Thank you for sharing your experience as it has made me feel more at ease with what I am feeling.

I guess my biggest fear is acceptance (though that is going away since my family has proven more accepting than I could ever hope). I had a serious fear of letting everyone down and making people hate me.

I fear possibly losing my job or becoming less employable.

I fear the financial impact of transition and whether I'll be able to handle it and still live.

I fear that God will be unhappy with me if I transition (it really feels like he's telling me not to do this and I wonder if perhaps I should be listening).

Am I letting fleeting thoughts and feelings (in either direction) cloud my perception of who I am? Should my actions speak louder than my thoughts? How much consideration should be given to both? Should I let moments (that sometimes lasted weeks or months) of dysphoria undermine all the time I spent(at least reasonably) happy in a masculine role? Why do I want to transition if I don't absolutely hate my body and pronouns don't cause me discomfort? Is it all a matter of inexperience on my part? I've never experienced anything else so it does me no good to be upset about these things or is that a sign that I shouldn't transition?

I also fear about not being accepted socially as a woman and looking way too much like a guy in a dress. I don't need to be a supermodel or even really attractive I just need to be able to be read and accepted as female.

I also am not sure if I want the surgery as I hate needles and pain but I haven't made a final decision on that yet.

I don't want to be totally alone (and thanks to this forum and my family it seems I don't have to be).

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Originally Posted by Sara Olivia

When I look back at my life, to even five years ago, I would never have imagined that the day would come when I would be living as Sara. The reasons for that had nothing to do with a lack of a strong desire, even need, to be true to myself and to live as the person congruent to my soul. The reason that I could never see myself living true to myself as Sara had everything to do with fear and preconception. I still recall the disappointment and horror I felt the first time I dressed up as Sara in full make up, wig and clothes. The image in the mirror looking back at me looked ridiculous. Even with a very close shave and heavy make up, my beard shadow was easily visible. My caterpillar unkempt eyebrows screamed "man in a dress" and everything about the image in the mirror screamed that "you can never pull off living as a woman".

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This is similar to my experience, except one difference is that when I first went all the way with wig, makeup, clothes that fit, which was also about five years ago, and looked in the mirror, I was absolutely thrilled with the way I looked. It repeated my childhood experience at six years old when I first put on my big sister's skirt and danced with delight in front of the mirror. I had been secretly crossdressing all my life, thought I was perverted or mentally ill, and never dreamed I could live as a woman. So all that of course was maybe true back then, based on the lack of understanding and knowledge of what a transgender person is when I grew up. Today it is entirely different. I am daily amazed at the level of public and social acceptance I receive in my small town where I have lived for the last 35 years! People come up to me, not to tell me off, but to say how they admire my courage to be myself and how attractive I am! The world has changed tremendously, there is a social revolution in the Western Democracies, and we are benefiting from it beyond belief. We need to throw out our preconceptions, the "Times They are a Changing!"

Brianna, you have put into words, so eloquently, so many of the same fears that I was feeling. You speak of acceptance. Far and away my greatest fear was losing my wonderful wife and incredible children. And yet it was that fear that ultimately determined my resolve to transition. Let me explain. Every day waking up was a challenge. I was so unhappy and yet looking at my life I had a wonderful family, a good job, friends, a comfortable home and living in a country that was at peace and where I’ve never had to go hungry or face any major obstacles. My life should have been a very happy life. Yet I felt like the most unhappy person on the planet. This was affecting my moods and relationship with my wife and kids. I realized that I was pushing them away and continuing on the road I was on I would definitely lose them one day in the not so distant future. I was also acutely aware that if I were to transition I might lose them as well but realized that there was also a chance that they would accept me for who I really was and we might all find a happier life together. In a letter to family and friends I wrote. “ In defense of my decision to transition all I can say is that I spent the greater part of my life desperately trying to live up to the expectations that society and my family had of me. To be a man and a good citizen. To be a good son, brother, husband and father. To be someone whom my family can be proud of, and not someone of whom they are embarrassed. Ultimately I still believe that I can be most of those things, just with a different pronoun. I liked the way XXXXXX (wife’s name) once put it to me when we were discussing the issue. I see the person, the human being, not what gender you are. “ Fortunately my family has accepted me and stuck with me and we are now happier than we have been in a very long time.
Losing my job fortunately was not a huge concern for me as I work for the Government of Canada and they have very strong anti-discrimination policies and specifically mention that it is illegal to discriminate based on gender identity. Fortunately I also have amazing managers and colleagues and bar none they have been supportive and respectful to me. Through some of my female colleagues I have even been invited to join women only social groups for networking, socializing, and supporting one another. Though I was very nervous I accepted and attended and was hugely touched by the acceptance, warmth and kindness I received from the more than fifty women in attendance. I was treated as one of them and it was an amazing evening. I am already looking forward to the next get together.
Financially transitioning is definitely a big hit. I am able to manage it by carefully budgeting how much a month I can spend on transition related expenses and sticking to it. So for example while I would love to take voice training its on the back burner because the priority is electrolysis on my face. And since my budget is not large I have been working on the electrolysis for years, two hours every two weeks, because that is the most that I can afford.
Here are my personal thoughts on God and I must be honest and admit that while I believe in God and Jesus, have faith in God, I have no faith and no use for the church. I say that as someone who has very many devout evangelical Christians in my family. We are taught as young children that upon crucifixion, Jesus’s soul went to heaven. We are taught that if we live a life in the manner that honors God our souls go to heaven, if not they go to hell. Believe that or not it is clear to me that all religions place much more value on the soul than they do the mortal body. So why are we being told that we must bend our souls to the realities of our biological bodies instead of aligning our biological bodies with the realities of our immortal souls. I don’t believe that God hates us and that he judges us ill for living our lives honestly in a manner congruent to our soul. But I am no minister nor a scholar in anything to do with the bible.
In terms of the dysphoria I did not share your self questioning. I’ve always known I was female and have always struggled trying to live as a man. So for me that question was easily answered as I have always hated my male body.
I shared your fear about not being socially accepted as a woman. Fortunately that fear was misplaced, at least to this point. Perhaps if our society makes a hard right turn where once again LGBT people are shunned that may change but so far that does not seem to be the case.
Finally, many people transition without the need for surgery and live happy lives in their chosen genders, again without having medically transitioned fully.
Finally, you are definitely not alone. There are a lot of good people in this world who stand with you, not just in this forum but in the world at large. I have seen that firsthand in my own interactions with people in the public. Prior to having all my personal id changed I would often have to disclose that I was transgender to bank tellers, insurance agents, etc. I cannot tell you the number of times upon disclosing my real identity to them comments like “You make a lovely woman and I think its brave and wonderful that you’ve chosen to live true to yourself” were received.
Ultimately we all have decide for ourselves what is right for us but hopefully we don’t make those decisions based solely on fear and pre-conceived ideas of how we might be treated. I have discovered that many of my own preconceptions turned out to be totally unfounded.

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Originally Posted by Becoming Brianna

Thank you for this thread. It's just what I need. Thank you for sharing your experience as it has made me feel more at ease with what I am feeling.

I guess my biggest fear is acceptance (though that is going away since my family has proven more accepting than I could ever hope). I had a serious fear of letting everyone down and making people hate me.

I fear possibly losing my job or becoming less employable.

I fear the financial impact of transition and whether I'll be able to handle it and still live.

I fear that God will be unhappy with me if I transition (it really feels like he's telling me not to do this and I wonder if perhaps I should be listening).

Am I letting fleeting thoughts and feelings (in either direction) cloud my perception of who I am? Should my actions speak louder than my thoughts? How much consideration should be given to both? Should I let moments (that sometimes lasted weeks or months) of dysphoria undermine all the time I spent(at least reasonably) happy in a masculine role? Why do I want to transition if I don't absolutely hate my body and pronouns don't cause me discomfort? Is it all a matter of inexperience on my part? I've never experienced anything else so it does me no good to be upset about these things or is that a sign that I shouldn't transition?

I also fear about not being accepted socially as a woman and looking way too much like a guy in a dress. I don't need to be a supermodel or even really attractive I just need to be able to be read and accepted as female.

I also am not sure if I want the surgery as I hate needles and pain but I haven't made a final decision on that yet.

I don't want to be totally alone (and thanks to this forum and my family it seems I don't have to be).

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If your biggest fear is "acceptance", you may be worrying about the wrong people accepting you. It is you who must live in your skin every day. I know for a fact that it is easier to truly love others, if you truly love yourself. A professional could explain much more clearly how that works, how gender dysphoria often manifests in much the same way as clinical drepression, but I can tell you what a relief it was when I finally knew what I needed and started on the path to getting it. Only you can control how you feel about yourself. Others will always think what they will, but the good ones will see a happy and loving person if that is what you allow yourself to be.

Employment... Depending on where you live, that may or may not be a concern. Even if you live in a state that does not recognize TG as a protected class, that may be a secondary concern. Transition is a long and expensive process, but I know women who have made the journey while earning only modest income. Desire and dedication will find a way if that's what is necessary. Your focus right now, should be on figuring out what is necessary. I understand that you're looking into counseling. That's good.

I would rather not take the thread in a spiritual/religious direction, but I'd be happy to share my thoughts on that aspect of your struggle via PM or email. I will say that my answers came from no single collection of religious doctrine.

You're going to be fine, whatever direction you choose, if you approach the journey with humility and honesty. Good luck to you.

Sara,
It's so good to read the road other have travelled down OK maybe some miles still to do . The mirror was cruel to you but more of a revelation to me the first time it all came together the guy had disappeared . Looking back I feel that's when Teresa really came into being . That was well over twenty years ago before the internet and the flood of information we now have so I didn't have any real thoughts where it was going to progress . Joining the forum back in 2013 I was in awe of everyone but also in a desperate mess . If anyone told me then I would be comfortably living as Teresa I would thought they were talking about someone else , so I had no preconceptions . I admit it's taken counselling to see and accept the reality of my needs .

One of my counsellors had to work on my assumptions more than my preconceptions because I was just tail-chasing with assumptions, nothing made sense and I saw nothing clearly . Continually assuming the worse scenario is mentally destructive , she worked hard on breaking the cycle and I'm so grateful she did . OK my worse critic and possibly the most destructive was my wife obvioulsy because she didn't want to lose her husband and father to our children , the sad reality is my marriage has ended but I have lost very little in most other respects . My children and now my grandchildren are still there , long term friends are mostly OK . I have made many new friends , maybe the biggest preconception is we lose all that . I use to describe it as jumping into a black hole , you go in with everything and emerge somewhere else with nothing , thank goodness the reality is so different .

I admit I'm still travelling down that road stopping at the sign posts and debating which turning to take but the important thing is I'm now happy and that is real !