Where I am

Hello all,

I've been away for a while and will most likely disappear again for a while after posting this.

Long story short. I found here after a lifetime of dressing in a solitary and secretive way.
It's always been part of me but the waves have come and gone and in no way were tidal enough to change the decisions I've made in my life.

Fast forward many years to the present day of being married with children.

Those who followed my exploits over the last year or so will remember me going from zero to 100 in that time.

Wow what a journey.

I went from a secret from childhood to revealing all to my wife. Things have not been easy but she is now not the only one who knows. I chose wisely and she has acknowledged that. I also chose to tell people who I believed would support me.

And here I am.

The world is still turning, no-one has rejected me. Life is as it was so to speak.

But

I'm writing this. Perhaps more alone than when it was still a secret.

I've taken a different path now. I have enrolled in support from ‘professionals’. That is something that everyone doesn't know. I feel I've gone back to square one again.

The reason for the post?

The choices we make are never easy. The reactions we get are never certain. The person we are we cannot deny.

I don't know where my journey will end.

I just know it isn't as I thought it.

Tansin, I really think I know exactly how you feel, my journey this past year has taken me to places I never expected to be
From divorce, not totally me being trans the reason to accepting myself as non binary feminie. Yes and my choices have cost me a lot. I too feel and am alone except for my faith. I hope you find your answers. This life we have being different
just isn’t easy.
Bless you Rachael

Follow your heart, to thine own self be true.
Love
Lisa :)

Not only do I remember you going from 0-100, I attached a rope to you and to the front of my skateboard, and you sent that hurtling off as well!

You inspired me to do some monumental milestone-outings, and then at times when I was hesitating to leave the house, I would think to myself that you would have been 5 minutes down the road by then having waved "hi!" to the neighbours and patted their dog on the way. You were fearless! You epitomised owning it and busting through fear rather than doing other stuff to work around it - Not just regarding going out, but in other ways too. Unfortunately, the reactions of important people in your life have determined an alternative destination for you, but philosophically, Tammy was my type of person.

The notion of a blue pill cures all desires, but most importantly, it resets all past memories. It would make you as though you "never-had", rather than leave you conflicted having "had-and-lost", and that is what would bring inner peace. I know the pros can't do that, but for what you want to protect within your life, I hope you get as close as possible.

All the best,
- Lydianne.

All the best for you in your changing course in life, may it still progress smoothly.

I certainly hope they don't have u locked u up somewhere?:straightface:

Otherwise, what does this mean, Tamsin?

"---I'm writing this. Perhaps more alone than when it was still a secret.
I've taken a different path now. I have enrolled in support from ‘professionals’. That is something that everyone doesn't know. I feel I've gone back to square one again."

Hi Doc,

I knew telling my secret was a risk but I figured of the select few that have been told some would offer support, ask questions, want to understand what it was it was doing and why.

It seems however that they would rather it be brushed under the carpet. Which I can understand from their perspective to a certain degree but it also hurts and angers me that actually those who say no 'matter what' should have said 'no matter what *except in the following circumstances'.

I feel more alone now than before others knew because I thought I knew the loved ones around me better. This has been a big and testing time for them but I can't help but feel a little abandoned.

I made a visit to my GP (doctor) a while back and they made a referral to a councillor service. I didn't take it up at the time but the offer was always there to self enrol thereafter. I've now done that. I need to talk about what's happening in my life and this is the avenue I have left.

Hence back to square one.

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Hi Lydianne,

It's good towrite this to you, it's been too long! I have been watching your videos from afar btw.

You got the nail on the head with 'had and lost'.

But I never want to forget in fact I still want to find ways that this can be part of my life but the barriers I bust through have now been built twice as high and with barbed wire on top.

It's funny. During that period I drank a whole lot less, lost some well overdue weight and was generally a better person to be around (imo).

Funny what people are willing to accept if it means the thing they can't handle will go away again.

I'm trying to stay positive and play the long game, but it's hard and I'm not sure it's the right path for me.

Keep slaying :-p

Tamsin,
Maybe not back to square one but just taking stock of where you really want to go from here . I understand your reasoning because you don't really know who will be on your side when the step off down the road again . Point one is you know your dressing isn't going away so now it's a matter of deciding what the bottom line really is . Counselling is double edged , you need their help and guidance but they can't lead you they can only support you , it still leaves the final decison for you to make .

I wonder if there is a right path but just one you feel most comfortable , the problem is you don't know until you've stepped down that path and by then you may have lost the the suport of family and friends , the problem is you live with those people and not your counsellor . At the end of the day it is only a paid job to them , no matter how caring and supportive they appear to be .

From my own experience my counselling sessions did help me , the basic fact being I'm still alive and well and not six feet under . The harsh truth is I had to separate from my wife , she may even blame counselling for that outcome , to me it finally had to happen , now I'm much happier but do appreciate it has come at a price . Somewhere along the line you have to say , " What about me , I have a life to live as well and Teresa happens to be a major part of that !" . That takes some getting use to but I knew it had to happen and basically the World hasn't ended , on the whole it's a better place now , I have to accept the losses and gains that go with it .

Life is full of surprises, isn’t it. It seems you have been wise in choosing your path. Even then, there will be unexpected reactions, perhaps some disappointing evens and maybe some new opportunities!

I hope you realise that you have been an inspiration on this forum, long may it continue.
Thank you.

Tamsin

I went to therapy after my wife caught me and told me to see someone and "get fixed".

It turns out that I did get fixed, but not in the way she expected. After over a year of therapy, I understood two things:

1. I was a crossdresser, but that wasn't really a bad thing. Rather than thinking that I was "damaged goods" and had to conform to societies expectation, I accepted myself as I am. That led me to finding a group of local girls and going out with them regularly. Steffi has way more friends than boy me does and can go out with her friends and have a really awesome time.

2. I can't change anyone's mind about how they feel about me, and what I do. However, I don't have to accept their negativity and I don't have to change just because they want me to.

I don't know what your path is, but you're not back to square one. It's like the game of "Chutes and Ladders". You just went down a chute (slide) but you're still moving forward and may even get to use the ladder.

Tammy, I hope you will try to talk it out here as well, as your OP is pretty mysterious and contradictory- no one has rejected you - but... you are ... what and why? Counselors have a professional duty to help you understand and be confident in what you feel, what is best for you, etc.

Gender is a really complex thing, so I journaled intensely for a year, trying to disentangle all the elements and deal with each one by one, and then in pairs, and then all together, etc. I have joined in a lot here for the past few years as well, exchanging views and experiences, and discovering a lot of new truths. My wife and I see a counselor, and it is fruitful at least in helping us each frame our positions, and seek compromises that strengthen the relationship. Conforming to one person's rules is not a recipe for a meaningful and life-enhancing marriage, compared to understanding each others' needs and agreeing on how to best meet them. My wife, admittedly, has not agreed to any compromise, but in practice she accepts compromise. I keep saying the truth which is that she is central to my life and I am in her corner, but the I in her corner needs to be better understood by her.

I'm still at it, because authentic gender is an evolving understanding, and with it an evolving set of choices that feel right and can be a stable framework for me in the world.

Sounds like you feel separation from this dialog is needed- and I hope you change your mind. But if you must, I hope you come back and tell how this story ends!

Tamsin your contribution to this forum both in your beautiful pics and you excellent posts will be sorely missed, i hope you find the happiness you deserve and that in time you rejoin us here. till then take care.

Hi Tamsin,

You have been missed and I hope things work out for you. We'll still be here if you decide to re-engage with the forum.

My sincere best wishes for the future.

Sarah x

Tamsin, We missed you but it is good to hear from you! Hoping that everything works out for you! We will be here if you need us! Hugs Lana Mae