alter ego now?

Over the past couple of weeks, I noticed the propagation of my femme side is becoming almost an "alter ego". It's getting mixed into artistic expression, with my music and such.

Feeling like I'm losing touch with any understanding of my intents and purposes to express that side of me. A couple weeks ago I felt more sure of what it was and I was excited about it. Now, in such a short span, I feel back to square one in terms of confusion. I will say, however, that my comfort level to be more public, even if just a fraction more, is WAY better.

What do I make of this...? I'm lost.

Could it be that you're feminine side and your masculine side are becoming integrated, and the true you is starting to emerge?

Grace,
Bobbi

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Originally Posted by Roberta Marie

Could it be that you're feminine side and your masculine side are becoming integrated, and the true you is starting to emerge

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That's pretty deep. Hmm. Well I can see there is some integration but it causes more confusion than synergy.

Maybe that's just how it feels when things first emerge how they are supposed to be. All I know is I don't understand what's going on (yet?). The way things are going, I feel more like a weirdo daily. Not to say cross-dressing is weird, but my relationship with it seems weird.

For what it's worth, personality can be seen as an ecosystem, with explicit and implicit members. As the formerly implicit anima (inner female) begins to explicate itself, the rest of the system has to adjust.

Perhaps your "alter ego" has always been there but you are now starting to come to grips with it. For many of us cders it is easy at first to explain away our crossdressing as purely an activity we like to engage in. But as time goes by it becomes clear that crossdressing is a manifestation of a part of our personality that is just as real as our male side.
You're not lost, you are found.

Lilaka and Tanya, you both make a lot of sense. It's possible that at first my understanding of it was based on it being a new venture. Even though the basic foundation to create the venture has always been there, I never really explored it outwardly. 99% in my mind and imagination, with the occasional compulsive outward act. At that point I felt revitalized and excited to be on a new plain of self-expression. I immediately obsessed. Then, as I said, over the past couple weeks things have taken a strange avenue.

But here is what is developing NOW. Aside from the obvious commonalities and issues that have manifested from expressing myself outwardly, I don't feel like I can really relate to many people on here. I relate to the social issues it creates, the chit-chat about clothing, makeup, hair, etc. Other than those common-grounds, I suddenly find I'm segregated in my understanding of this in comparison to others. I set myself apart, completely unwillingly, and it's unpleasant. Just when I was getting comfortable, too. It's a bitter pill to think I fit in somewhere that I don't necessarily belong. I badly want the company and the acceptance, but I don't really know if it's what I NEED.

Maybe what I need is medication.

Funny you should mention common ground... I feel that just liking to wear the same clothing is not enough to create common ground let alone build a friendship on... So not relating to a lot of people here is probably very common! And I don't know what's going on with you personally but I myself have gotten so caught up in crossdressing before and having my feminine side come out that I push myself to be more feminine than I really am. More like wishful thinking... I reality I am who I am and I feel how I feel regardless or the clothes I wear...

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

I don't know what's going on with you personally but I myself have gotten so caught up in crossdressing before and having my feminine side come out that I push myself to be more feminine than I really am.

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I know what you mean by this because I've done that too, but...

More often, I feel somewhat the opposite. Like I'm holding back something I've repressed.

It can get confusing sometimes, and after about 2 years of trying to figure it all out, I've come to a conclusion.....Stop trying to analyze it (that's just for me) and just have fun with it. Less confusing that way!!! :)

Miranda, while that does seem to work for a lot of people, it simply doesn't work for me. I wish it did but it haunts me. Tricky to explain but I actually feel like it's imperative for me to figure it out, almost like that would give me some sort of peace with it. My biggest conflict about this is not that I am searching for something wrong with me. It's that there's something wrong with me BECAUSE of the searching. A necessary evil, though. I feel like when I find what I'm looking for, it will fulfill me. Even if the answer is that I'm some crazy whacko who inherently likes the weirdest of things because of some bizarre childhood experience or upbringing, ya know? lol. At least then I could just understand who I am and be it comfortably. "Just be comfortable" is impractical advice FOR ME.

Sorry if I'm coming off stubborn. Conflict is conflict I guess :(

I don't mean to shoot down help given. Putting things on paper (or text here) helps me make stay linear in my brain, I find.

And I do appreciate the advice very much, thanks.

I often feel like my path has been three or four delicate steps forward then a big one back.
For me Bobbi's question hit right home, I do think traits get integrated and crossdressing is a powerfull experience for that.

When you wrote "It's getting mixed into artistic expression, with my music and such." it made allot of sense to me.
There are "aspects of my fem side" that I really admire and they crept into my daily world before I was ready for them.
I would have to re-read papers because I was scared that I left some really feminine phrase or idea in there.

I asked a few gals about that; and they told me that the once the "fem side" has tasted some freedom it isnt going to go away quietly.
Thats kinda dramatic but true in allot of ways.
I can put all the clothes and outward stuff in a box and store it away; but I found allot that I couldnt.

I dont remember repressing anything; In my case it is more like parts had never been encouraged or allowed to grow or maybe I didnt need them.

When I first went to a support group and started posting on forums allot of traits got encouragement and started to grow.
Its hard to go from really accepting environments to ones that arent.

When I first decided to open up and step out I was looking for say A,B and C.
I found the whole alphabet; and it happenned real fast.

One of my defense mechanisms was to create an "alter ego" or charachter and only bring her out in certain environments.
I still have that to a much smaller extent , but allot of traits have been integrated.

I am just me the one and the same all the time regardless of clothes.

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Originally Posted by spotlessMind

That's pretty deep. Hmm. Well I can see there is some integration but it causes more confusion than synergy.

Maybe that's just how it feels when things first emerge how they are supposed to be. All I know is I don't understand what's going on (yet?). The way things are going, I feel more like a weirdo daily. Not to say cross-dressing is weird, but my relationship with it seems weird.

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Some people compartmentalize their feelings as their female persona, because it is safe. What that means is you put all those feelings into a separate place only for "access" when you are female. In some cases, the more you are "out" the safer it becomes to be female and experience those feelings, and they can begin to spill into your "boy" life. It all depends on how compartmentalized you had those feelings to begin with. You may be experiencing integration of the two sides and I can imagine it can be confusing. Keep in mind that, if that's what going on, it's a good thing. Compartmentalization is a coping mechanism for feelings a person finds hard to deal with, so, in the long term, it's not good to keep those feelings separate.

Hope this helps!

My girl-side is totally an alter ego of mine. I'm a little more mellow as a girl, do a lot more around the house, and am open to doing a whole lot more stuff and to a point being a lot more care-free than my "normal" side is. My Cindy side isn't afraid to do what my "regular male" side rationalizes as not being the "right" thing to do... for instance- Cindy is a lot more open to going out to a club, having a lot more fun, partying and having a few drinks. My "normal" side is like "only have one drink and blah blah blah". To a certain point, I think it's almost odd that I'm that way. Cindy is almost like the "opposite" me.

i have found the more i have accepted myself mentally and well, even physically, I have seen my outward personality shift.....i think this had been positive but noticeable.

My wife and I have discussed this notion of "ego" and personality continuously for the 5+years Tina has existed. My wife has made some pretty convincing arguements that Tina has been a part of me forever, and that understanding that feminine side of me can only help to understand how I have lived life and how I might live it better in the future.

That's one of the strong reasons that we've chosen to keep Tina separate, to let her experience her life without the confines of my masculine self. What we have found is a personality that is, for the most part, incredibly different from what was a dominant masculine "face" presented by my male self. Tina's wants, desires, opinions, and actions have some small agreement with my male self, but not much! My wife has asked Tina for her ideas on a number of issues and we've found that Tina's perspective is very much different from that "male" perspective we have been used to.

Frankly, it can be a but upsetting to realize that Tina can be so independent that even the most sensitive of personal issues might be looked upon differently from Tina's feminine perspective. My wife thinks this is great, since it really does give one pause.

How we re-integrate these ideas and perspectives is a bit of a challenge, but the adventure of finding one's self in one's feminine self has to be one of the greatest possible adventures!

Tina

I don't feel that it is an alter ego at all. It is just who I am and although often confusing I usually just live with it. That sounded bad because it sounds like I don't like it, but I do like it. Balance, Yin-yang whatever. I have to agree with my sister Miranda, you just have fun with it. In my case, acting the part of whet society wants out of a male is the alter ego. The so called feminine side (the part who likes more refined things, pretty things as they say) is my dominant side. As time goes by, you realize that what makes you happy is more important than what makes everyone around you happy (not that they should be mutually exclusive...because often when you are happy people around you are happy also). It just isn't the same people you were trying to impress before. You know the ones who thought you should do more for them and be someone for them?

Your conflict is self imposed. That is a common thing here as we struggle over what is right and what is right. What is right is there are no re-rides here. You don't get to try over again to be happy. And as I said, if you are happy, most people around you are happy for you and with you.

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

Your conflict is self imposed. That is a common thing here as we struggle over what is right and what is right. What is right is there are no re-rides here. You don't get to try over again to be happy. And as I said, if you are happy, most people around you are happy for you and with you.

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Your post is informative and insightful, thanks, but I don't think you understand what I was initially saying. I'm not searching for "right" or "happy". Just an answer to something that I feel needs one. One that I feel will bring me some sort of personal salvation, even if the answer is dark. This doesn't mean it will provide anything additional, such as happiness.

While it IS an imposition no doubt, "internal" doesn't necessarily mean "intentional". Without that intent, it's everything BUT self-imposed. I wish it was a choice to struggle with this. It'd be like... complaining about how dark it is in my room and just being too lazy to get up and turn the light on. Not exactly the best analogy, but my point is that whatever confusion I feel isn't something I can passively shrug off on a warrant that "being happy" and "having fun" somehow out-worths it.

I guess what I'm asking is really...

Is it possible for my confusion to change to "in the know"?

It sounds like most people think confusion simply fizzles and loses focus over time, which is a bit disappointing. Don't get me wrong, struggling LESS is a welcomed affair, but I cringe at the idea that certain answers will never be had.

Here's to hoping, though.

Thoughts of war, poverty, starvation, and the likes just entered my brain. Can this thread be closed? It's angsty boo-hoo crap. There are bigger fish to fry.