My recent false character assasination of someone I love to prove a point about CDs

Most here will recall that ugly thread I did recently after a knock down drag out fight that lasted 10 hours with my SO about cd'ing issues, and both of us using FALSE acussatory words in anger in our arguement. I attempted to show what it would be like if the tables were turned and FALSE accusations leveled back.
I had a few hours sleep after that fight when I wrote that thread, I was angry, hurt, frustrated and totally exausted and not thinking straight, really not thinking straight!

What I was trying to point out to my SO in that thread was what its like to be FALSLEY accused of something that your not, that was my true intent. Instead I ended up in that frame of mind at the time totally and falsly trashing my SO so badly in the process in that miserable failed attempt. She just wanted to die from the hurt it caused when she read it and how untrue it was.

I want others to LEARN from our pain that we both endured, NEVER do this to your SO here in a public forum, even one on one! If any of you after reading that thought that I was the lowest scum of the earth for doing that you were right on about that! It took me 36 hours because I was so upset and hurt to actually see what I had done, and trust me I was totally devastated when I realized I did such a thing to someone that never deserved that kind of treatment directed towards her and WAS NONE of those things. None of you thought of me lower after that than I did about myself, that was hitting a new bottom for me.

Let me tell you now about who my SO TRULEY is, I owe that to her at a minimum. As a child she'd come home from school and her mother would ask, why are you crying? She said because these kids were picking on this girl at school calling her names and making fun of her and that really hurts me to see that. She is still that same caring sensitive person with those same feelings today and that includes EVERYONE.

Yes she did say some things to me out of frustration and anger, and I did the same. That's not really her, that's not how she truley feels, she was just frustrated and hurt and I gave her plenty of reasons to be, I never meant them either. I don't think many of us can say we've never said something we truley regret later in a fit of anger, and we didn't really mean any of it.

I know what a true alcoholic is, she's anything but one.
I however was one for the better part of at least 8 years, not something I can say with any pride. Thankfully after meeting my SO I was able to stop with her help. This girl has put up with alot from me, and has been the biggest positive influence that has ever been in my life, and I love her more than life itself:)

When I met my SO she wouldn't even go out on a date with me for the longest time without one of her GF's comming along as a chapperone.
I found what I thought didn't exist anymore, a decent honest woman with very high moral standards and values which is rare. I consider myself extremly lucky to have her!

Everything I said about her was so false to the reality about her to attempt to make and show a valid point we as cd'ers have about being wrongly labeled and condemned ourselves. I failed in my attemt so badly and I can't believe she's forgiven me for this. That's some hardcore true love to be able to overcome something like that being done to you by the one you love more than life itself. Because of that enormous love she has for me, and me equally for her, thats what ripped my heart out afterwards, after I finally realized what I had done to someone so innocent trying to make my point.
I love this girl so much and never want to hurt her like that again, and I won't. That was never my intent anyway, I was just so lost in anger etc... .

I think after being here as long as I have , most of you that really know me know this was so out of character for me to act and do something like this. I don't want to be remembered here for one HUGE foolish mistake I made, but knowing the real truth about my SO is more important than how you remember me.

My SO wants nothing more than me to be happy. I also want nothing more than the same for her. We're staying together and will work all this out. We have over two decades together and neither of us wants to throw that away. We both know we'd never find what we have together in any others if we ever did split, a love like this we have for eachother we're all lucky if it comes along even once in our lifetime.

All I ask is don't anyone ever make this same mistake in anger or do anything like I did in a bid for understanding of being a cd'er and falsly accuseing someone innocent of things thier not to get your point across.
THINK your words out first, unlike what I did, if not the damage and hurt you can cause can be catastrophic.

Right now I feel I need to work together with my SO to rebuild the damages that have been done. We will make it thru this I have no doubt about that and we both know it won't be easy but we're are one tough couple. After more than two decades together, we still hold hands watching TV or walking down the street together, she's very special to me and me to her:)

Support is what we need here right now and understanding.
I've learned so much here from all of you, and I hope I also was of some value as well to some.

Sometimes we take for granted, get sidetracked and lose sight what the most important thing is to us, to me thats my SO hands down.
I offer a public apology for what its worth now to my SO for what I falsley and recklessly said, there is no excuse for that, especially when none of it was true.
Although she's forgiven me, its going to be tough to forgive myself.

wow

I wish you all the best.
Hope your relationship grows from here.

If we were in the same room I would be shaking your hand right now. You did a good thing here.

Good luck Jess,
And that's was why I wrote what I did on your thread..go back and read it again. To speak in anger never solves anything, it just hurts the feelings of the ones you love and ending in regret for saying things you cant take back, everyone should put themselves in the others shoes before they start throwing blows at one another.. So it sounds like you did some growing up since that night, I just hope you can make things good with her again ..


:hugs:

Best of luck, and I hope it all works out. We've all made mistakes.

You bitch! You made me cry!

Please heal and be well...both of you.

Your wisdom will always be welcome...when you're ready to return to us.

I think we're probably gonna benefit from this thread as much as you have in writing it.

respect & love, dear ones

deja

:<3:

Best of luck to you and you wife.
kelly

The thread you made in anger did some good. This thread did even more good. I have to give you two thumbs up for this thread. You have cut and been cut by that double edged sword my friend. You feel very badly for the things that you said in anger. Those things may have needed to be said but not posted. And now you relize that.

I have the utmost respect for you my friend. You screwed up (bad) you admitted it and you took responsibility for your screw up. That my girl is a very very rare thing now a days. If your SO does not like the girl part of you. Well not many men will, or would do what you did. You are a good man and it takes a real man to do what you have done. (And your a good girl too). I wish you the very best and your SO too.

Jess, i am so pleased that this whole situation has turned out a lot better than it looked like it would. It takes a strong will to admit you were wrong and i respect you a lot for it.

I hope things continue to heal between the two of you.

Best wishes for the future

F

Sometimes the simplest things are the hardest to see. I wish you well my friend.:)

I didn't see the original post but I would like to congratulate (not the right word but can't think of a more appropriate one) you on having the guts to post what you have in this thread. I'm sure many of us have been in similar mud-slinging situations at one time or another in our lives. It takes a lot to admit you screwed up and to apologise.

I hope you and your SO can move forwards together after this melt-down.

Does she know about the FAB forum? :D If she needs any support in forgiving you, I'm sure she'll get the help she needs there.

I admire your honesty.

:)

It takes a BIG GIRL to admit that she was wrong - I wish the two of you the

best and I hope you can communicate - that is the key

JoAnne Wheeler

the cycle of abuse. now you have gone full circle again how many times is that now ? and how long before you do this all over again .

now your living another lie. both of you need to get help before hurtful words lead to physical violence or even worse one you you end up dead ..

Please forgive me but i had dear friends just like you .. he pushed her too hard she hit her head and he served 15 years . and as a police officer i use to go to domestic call all the time same people and they call that love..

this is the very reason i won't look for another person to love i won't go through that .

please get help jess ..

Quote:

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Originally Posted by MJ

the cycle of abuse. now you have gone full circle again how many times is that now ? and how long before you do this all over again .

now your living another lie. both of you need to get help before hurtful words lead to physical violence or even worse one you you end up dead ..

Please forgive me but i had dear friends just like you .. he pushed her too hard she hit her head and he served 15 years . and as a police officer i use to go to domestic call all the time same people and they call that love..

this is the very reason i won't look for another person to love i won't go through that .

please get help jess ..

---

Whoe MJ, your so far off from what we are like as a couple, so very far off.
Sure we bicker back and forth like everyone else, if my SO's on a little rant, thats actually one of the things I actually love about her. She's always telling me stop laughing while I'm yelling at you, for something like me eating all her potato chips she just bought or something minor like that. Then she laughs as well and might slap my arm playfully and tell me now to go get some more.

That one night was totally out of character for both of us, but cd issues building up can cause such an arguement, and she had very valid points also to be pissed about, moreso than mine I see now. When any of us cd'ers are in the fog heavily like I was, and I just explained this to another, we miss alot of what our SO's are trying to tell us, we hear them, but we don't listen, we only hear what we want, at least that was what I was doing.

This was a one time deal like that in two decades, not an everyday occurance, and there never was any physical violence against either.
When I said knock down drag out fight, I meant with the words we used against one another, we've never done that before or said that kind of stuff to one another to that harsh degree.

I'd never hit my SO for anything ever, or her me! If I gave the impression we fight like that often and its physical no we don't.
Since I came out to her about cd'ing two months ago yes we've had some more heated discussions back and forth, but nothing major like that one night. Any arguements we have otherwise are like most peoples here, reasonable ones and then we cool down and talk. Most everyone here can relate to having heated cd discussions with their SO's that escalate more than most types of arguements.

As your a police officer I can see what you were thinking, seeing it all to often but no, thats not us, not even close. We're now working it out and making alot of progress and fast, like I've said before we're one tough couple and by that I mean we're glued to one another for life. It would take far more than that to actually cause us to split for good. She was going to leave after what I said and did and I wouldn't have blamed her, but that girl loves me to death and I do her and I need to show that more and show more respect to her than I have.

For me to apologise here and to her was very easy, I've never had a problem addmitting if I did wrong and taking full responsibility for whatever I've done.
She on the other hand is the one that deserves any praise that may be given here for being able to forgive me for that stupid hurtfull act.
That forgiveness is what the really hard thing in all of this was to do, very hard for anyone and she did it, and its not something I will take lightly.
I have alot to make up to her, and it won't be out of guilt but love for her. That pink fog can really mess someones mind up I've found out first hand, its dangerous if it goes to far. But pink fog or not, thats still no excuse ever, I take full responsibility for this.

Our idea of getting even for something in the past was playfull like when I sprayed her with wipped cream and then she chased me around the house and got me with it. We don't do that stuff anymore but our disagrements are usually settled pretty reasonably, with that night being a one time exception. If we weren't making any progress then I may have considered your suggestion to get counseling but we're actually comming out of this even stronger as a couple than we we're before, and we were pretty tight already prior to this ordeal.

From some of the responses to that first thread, I saw that others also have gone thru the same or a very similar thing with their SO's. I don't want to ever see any SO or cd go thru something like this as a couple. The advice also given in that thread to just listen and not give back in anger was excellent, it won't be easy maybe at the time but will have the best result.
If anyone else was offended by anything to do with that original thread I also apologise to them. Foregiveness is a powerfull thing, it accomplishes so much more good than hate.

MJ, my advice to you would be don't stop looking for an SO because of one bad experience you had, there is someone out there that will love you just as you are but you won't find it unless you look. I'm aware of what happened to you and I know it was devastaing to put it mildly. Time heals all wounds and when your ready I hope you do start that search, I care about you and the others here, don't let one bad experience ruin your happiness or your life.

Jess,
Thank you for posting this thread. Just so you know, staying together can work, after a yelling match. It will take two lovingly stuborn people to make a relationship work. It will not always be easy, a lot of ups and downs, but it will be worth it all in the end.

Hugs,
Alice

Jess,

I hope nothing but the best for the both of you. Sometimes things are said in anger that no one wishes would have ever been said. I know this from personal experience. I only hope that the both of you are able to fully recover from the things that were said, sometimes things so hurtful will bury themselves deep into a persons soul and fester there `till something sets them off again. At any rate I hope and wish your SO and you all the best. And remember to please be kind to one another, Sometimes all we really have is our S.O.'s, and sometimes all we really have is ourselve's. No matter whom we have to rely on, we should always try to be kind to that person. If you frogive someone forgive them fully and never bring it up again.

Bethany

The most horrible thing aboput an allegation is that you don't have to prove it's truth for people to believe it.

I was once falsely accused ... stuffed up my life!
Never got an apology ... the case never made it to any form of judicial court ... so most people are happy to believe the allegation.

So Jess, you have a done a better thing than you know by publishing this second thread!



And to MJ, I don't know how old you are, but a chap named Kris Kristofferson once sang a song which included these lines ...
"Lord, There're still so many lonely girls
In this best of all possible worlds."

He is correct on both counts. There is someone out there you will bring joy and happiness into your life.

:)

TY everyone for your true support and concern for us, you all just bolstered that this really is a support forum, and the support being for both of us:hugs:

We're actually doing great now, the best ever actually, so what looked originally like these two are never gonna recover from "that" is proof anything is possible if the relationship has the right ingredients, and we do.

I know from reading so much here prior, some are thinking Jess doesn't know the "odds are so stacked against her", he/she's a cd and his/her SO isn't fully accepting and thats still going to be a problem that's not solved. That would be very true, except for a few important things I'd like to pass on to others.

If anyone is familiar with Jung's Anima Theory about the stages cd's go thru in life they know there are many such stages. It's thought in this theory, and I also believe this, that once the cd integrates his male and female sides into one that he/she has reached the most important step in this process of growth. That the new integrated personas now is a better "one" than they were before separate as there is no longer the inner conflict of female vs male. And the best of both can now work as one. It's also said such a person reaching this integration can also accomplish greater things than previously.

I had already reached that step of integration many months ago before I ever heard of that theory or read it. It says and I agree, the multiple aspects we thought we needed to feel complete as a cd will now be controlable, and we can ridd some of them if we so choose.

Knowing this and reaching that stage I feel with my situation, and all cd's and situations are unique, the "odds" are actually so much more and attainable now, I'd realistically say in the 95%'s percent range of success. In my mind its 100% but she is about 95% and I understand that.
Had I not integrated months ago, then I don't think we would be able to both find real happiness together each giving some for the other, one of us would be miserable inside. I don't see that here. Will there still be some tough days to get thru of what each has given up for the other, sure that's expected but very attainable to do so now. And its well worth some trade off for whats really the most important things in our lives.

My SO and I now discuss me being a cd peacefully and she knows its a part of me I was born with and will be who I am till I die. We're not playing any games with one another or promising false expectations any of us don't think we can truly do for one another. She's also aware of the Anima Theory and she see's alot of that explained already in me so that makes her also feel much better about trusting me again.

She honestly has nothing against cd's or anyones lifestyle for that matter, she however didn't want to settle down with a cd'er for life had she known.
I never gave her that choice and she tries to understand why I never told her, and the lies associated with being a cd'er we all can relate to. Talking daily about this is a learning experience for both of us still, but its progressive, not destructive anymore.
She is more fully accepting of cd's I just realized than most women, as she recently told me she had a great MtF cd friend for years and her friends and they loved her and they would go out all the time to clubs with her. I never knew that untill just a few days ago:brolleyes:


I think eventually, and I don't think it will take all that long that she will be actually glad I'm an integrated cd inside because integrated she gets to see the best of both sides as one person now and also will benefit from this more so than being with the "average Joe". I'm so much happier since integration and now I can focus more on her as a whole new, better than before person. She doen't realize it yet but I'm alot less irritable than before and its tough to bring me down generally from being in a great mood daily. Its also rubbing off on her that feeling of my happiness, she's also experiencing it herself more:hugs:
One of her main very legitimate complaints about Jess was the wild side here with pics etc...:doh:... when Jess was running 100% of me she was sometimes out of control, way to much so with an SO to consider.
That's fully understandable as that wasn't what she wanted in her guy, the fog lifted, I clearly see her complaints as very valid now.

She tried her absolute best to accept my cd'ing fully she told me recently, but wasn't telling me at the time she was doing so. When she saw me dressed she said it just screws with my mind to much, it goes against the grain of who I am and hits down to my very soul and I was starting to sacrifice part of my inner soul to accept you, and I felt terrible about myself doing it.

I told her NEVER sacrifice your core inner beliefs of who you are for anyone, even me!, those are yours and their not up for anyones debate, ever. I also would never sacrifice mine for anyone either. If it's that deep into what someone is as a person, you don't mess or try to change that part of them ever. Its not ignorance or a hatred of something she's talking about, its what makes that person who they are and we all have our limits, even the most accepting cd/tg also has these limits of acceptance about something or another. Ask yourself, would you like your inner beliefs questioned if they were NOT based on ignorance or hatred like hers isn't and other SO's here?

If any DRESSED cd was a guest in my house, and one almost was if she would have traveled with her SO, my SO would treat you like a King, sorry the Queen treatment is out with her, don't hold that against her:heehee:
You'd also love her cooking BTW:)

Enough said by me on this and I'll leave this thread and any more comments for those that may benefit from it or have further input, and I hope some do.
The advice here in this thread and lessons learned came at a heavy price of two for awhile, make some good come from it.
If your in a similar situation with your SO start by giving her some of these:love:...and keep working from there for mutual happiness and communicate, it can be achieved even if at times it looks impossible.
Also accept yourself fully for who you are without guilt or hatred for yourself, you need both parts of you to reach that nirvana so many seek, integrate them however it suits you and find that happiness:)

Good luck to you both. As I said in the other thread I hope the words spoken in anger do not damage your relationship in the long term. Hopefully they will be forgotten but they rarely are, they are just put on a closet shelf in the back of your mind and hers to be pulled down once and a while. I'm glad you have worked this out and next time go for a long walk in the woods, cool off and get your head on straight before you let your frustration do something you will regret later.

All the best.