Happy, Nervous and Worried

Last night my wife and I had a long conversation regarding my tendency to cross-dress. She has known this for many years; in fact, she has seen me dressed many years ago (a couple of times); however, it wasn't until last summer that she found lots of pictures and small videos of me in femm. Although it was not a shock for her, I felt that she was not 100% comfortable with it. Months have passed and all this time she has been taking it lightly, she is even joking with me by calling me “girlfriend”. Sometimes she calls me on the phone to say hi during the day as usual and she is now talking to me like if I was a girl, joking about if I am wearing my high heels or if I am wearing my lingerie waiting for my boyfriend. We joke for a minute or two and then we get back to our normal conversations.
We have been discussing / talking about cross-dressing. We have discussed the fact that it is something I have always liked. She now even knows the term cross-dresser (because of me) and she seems to understand that it is something that I have inside and that I like it. During the last 2 months or so, she has even mentioned that I can wear her dresses, in fact, she bought a beautiful mini dress that she wore at our New Year’s we had at home and she told me that I can wear it if I want it. All this seems wonderful, it is like a dream come true for a cross-dresser; however, she has told me very clear that she does not share this cross-dressing with me; she has told me not to expect her to join me while I am dressed. She says it should be my intimacy and that I should keep it private.
Last night, we have a little discussion (not related to my cross-dressing) and I got upset and she approached me and asked me not to be upset. I told her that I was a little bit angry about it and she said give me a smile, she was tickling me to smile, and then said I can make you smile, and then I said no you can’t, and then she said, even if I give you something you like?.. I said what do you mean something I like? and then she said, something cute, soft and sexy like the dress I wore in New Years’ … then I smiled…… we started talking again, we spoke about my cross-dressing experiences and she said that she understands, that she knows, and that I should not feel guilty about it. She says she is nobody to ask me to stop doing something that it is in me. She said, the facts are the facts, even if I would ask you to stop doing it, I know the feeling and urge is still there, and she would feel very bad to ask me to stop and she is sure that sooner or later I will dress again.
We talked over an hour, I told her that my family was priority number one and that I was concerned about what she might feel to know that sometimes I am going to cross-dress. I asked her if my cross-dressing would interfere with her love for me. I asked her if that would an obstacle to love me more every day . She said, no it won’t. She said she loves me, but she does not love me as she used 10 years ago, but she loves me because I am a good man, a good father and a good friend.
She also told me that the fact that you cross-dress does not mean that you are different. She said I have known you for so long that to me this is normal now. She said, maybe I am crazy, but nothing surprise me anymore. She said this world is full of worse things and that I don’t harm anyone by cross-dressing.
Again, she told me / reinforced her point view about keeping it private and not to share it with her or try her to get her involved... She also told me I can wear her clothes that I won’t have to worry about trying to leave the clothes the way there were in the closet so she won’t notice. She said, just be careful. She even showed me where she kept the dress she wore in New Year’s and another one, she just asked me to put them back nicely. She said, no more worries.. I know now…
I did not want to tell her that I already have few dresses, lingerie, wigs and shoes, so I told her that I will need to get me some shoes, nice wigs etc so I can fully dress, she said go ahead and do it…she even told me order them online.
As you can see, it seems that my wife is giving me green light to go ahead and be me. However, I have a mix of feelings, I feel happy, nervous and worried and I don’t understand why?
I guess I feel happy because she says is ok and that it should not interfere with our love unless I try to make her part my cross-dressing.
I don’t know why I feel nervous, could be because of any insecurity about what she said. Could she fake her acceptance/approval?
I feel worried because I don’t want to lose her, I don’t want to lose my family. I love her very much. She is a beautiful person, I have been her only man in her life. One boy friend, one husband.. the same man. I met her when she was 14. We have been married for about 15 years and we have two wonderful children together. She is simply the love of my life.
It is very difficult to accept what happened, her approval makes me feel confused. Please send me your opinions, advise or suggestions on how should I proceed. Did anyone experience the same?
Thank you for your time and understanding.

im not one to give advice on this but please keep talking with her and to her about your feelings even the feeling you are having now (whating for the other shoe to fall) my two cents

[SIZE="4"]Kokona, my biggest concern was how would cross dressing affect my marriage and my faith. I also wanted to tell my wife. The opportunity came sooner than I had hoped (she found my stuff). The first thing I said was that she is the love of my life.

To say she was shocked :eek: is an understatement. I never pressed the issue because it was much for her to digest. From time to time she asked me questions, which I was happy :) to answer. She accepts my cross dressing as a part of my life. I told my son a year later and he's cool :cool: with it.

It's great that your wife is accepting of your dressing. She may have some fears and concerns which my wife did. If she asks questions, don't hesitate to answer them. There's plenty of resources available.

Gennee[/SIZE]

Well, from what you've wrote it doesn't seem to me that she is faking acceptance.

Just try to take it slow and always keep her feelings in mind. I suppose if she accepts it but just doesn't want to join in that is still a win.

Good luck

Don't do any thing but talk. No dressing, no dancing, just talk. Wait a wile for this to sink in. And I mean a good long wile. More than a week,maybe a month. You will have a much better read on things then. Good luck. If my ex wife had your wifes understanding we would still be married. But she did not, and we are no longer married. Also I want to warn you of the pink fog. You could find yourself in it. And like all fog it is hard to see in it. So please be careful. Take your time.

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Originally Posted by Kokona

It is very difficult to accept what happened, her approval makes me feel confused.

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In other words, everything is going well... should I be worried? :heehee:

At the risk of sounding very Zen-like, just go with the flow.

Seems pretty clear to me that her acceptance is genuine. She's outlined the boundaries for her. Don't cross them.

I do wonder what she means by "she does not love me as she used 10 years ago" That would concern me.

I also agree with Jessagator on her statement:

"Well, from what you've wrote it doesn't seem to me that she is faking acceptance"


Simple expression of a few words here covers it all. Ready?

DON'T LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH'!
Enjoyyour new acception by your lovely lady. Its a CD's dream. I know I've had an accepting and participating wife for almost 40 years. Most guys here would give thier left breast form (or nut) to have your recent wonderful experience.
You were nervous because you weren't expecting such a lovable acceptence, and now do not know how to handle it.
Go with the flow and let it evolve slowly or you WILL lose her trust, faith in you and maybe someday love. DO NOT take advantage of your lovely wife's go ahead and permission , BUT honor her wishees and respect her in not asking to participate.
You are about to embarke on a wonderful journey Kokona . Don't Blow It !

I agree with all of the above posts. Continue talking, respect her boundaries and show her your continued love and devotion to your family---and enjoy dressing occasionally!

Wow!! If I knew my wife would shower me with feminine clothes if be pissed at here every minute of the day.. Don't know why your scared... Sounds like every crossdressers dream to me.. .

It sounds to me as if your wife is trying very hard to give herself "permission" to fully accept your crossdressing, and although it appears that she is 90% of the way there by talking openly and joking with you about it, allowing and even encouraging you to wear her clothes when she is not around, and accepting that this is a part of you that will never go away, there is still that remaining 10% that is conflicting her.

It may be a rigid religious upbringing, a fear of exposing latent bisexual or lesbian feelings within herself, an inability to shed outmoded concepts of masculinity and femininity where crossdressers inhabit a gray territiory that the average person has a hard time understanding and is therefore fearful and apprehensive about - especially the fear of where it might eventually end up and where that will leave her - or a combination of the above.

I'm not sure what advice to give you except to appreciate and enjoy the lattitude your wife has already granted you, and continue to move forward slowly as the two of you continue to navigate these uncharted waters of your relationship. She clearly loves you and wants to make you happy, but you must also do your part to keep the evolution of your crossdressing activities within her comfort zone.

And by all means, show your appreciation for her willingness to accept this part of you by treating her in such a way that she will never need to doubt that beneath it all, you are still the man she married and will always continue to be that masculine man for her whenever you are not crossdressing.

That should help to address the remaining 10% of uncertainty and apprehension, and allow her to give herself that missing "permission" to be fully O.K. with your crossdressing.

You asked for advice, opinions, and suggestions on how to proceed since your wife who you have know since she was 14, has told you that she accepts you as you are but does not want to participate in your CDing activities. It is pretty hard to fully understand the written word, and more so with you as at the time of this post you only had three postings on our forum. That makes it pretty difficult to know much about your background and history, which often gives clues as to how one should move forward, So bearing that in mind, please accept the following comments as general guidelines and a starting point for you and your wife.

First off, do you trust your wife to be truthful and honest with you? If so, then take her acceptance at face value. Anything less would be the same thing as calling her a liar. She has 14-15 years of her life invested in you, has birthed two children for you... what is in it for her to be deceitful in this?

Secondly, she has very clearly stated her boundaries... she does NOT want to participate in your cross dressing. Respect that. And engage her in further discussions to discover if there are other boundaries that need to be set, i.e. dressing around the children, leaving the house dressed, going en-femme in public, and so on. This is not to suggest that once a boundary is established that it is set in stone. In fact they should be revisited from time to time and mutually agreeable adjustments made to them.

Thirdly, how do you feel about yourself? I get the impression that you have yet to fully accept yourself for who you are. And if that's the case, it is oh so easy, to transfer that lack of self-acceptance to those around you... even those that you love you and do accept you. You mentioned in your other posts that there is a huge sexual component involved with your cross dressing (even to the point of wondering if it was causing you some medical issues). Are you subconsciously wondering if doing so is somehow cheating your wife from your affections? I only ask to give you something to ponder as I certainly cannot answer that question... only you can.

Don't let cross dressing overrun your lives (the infamous pink fog warning). It is only PART of who you are; you are also a husband, a father, a breadwinner, and so on. taking ANY part of our lives to excess will upset the whole. Get reality checks from your partner often... and not just about CDing. Are you helping enough with the kids? Is she getting enough time with her husband? And so on. Do you want the best assurance that the two of you will remain together and happy? Talk to each other... often. Be as genuinely interested in the things she is doing as she is in the things that you do. You don't have to participate in them all, just as she has chosen not to participate in your CDing. But that doesn't mean that if she likes gardening, for example, that you can't encourage her in it even though you don't share the joys of insect control with her.

Finally. allow your wife the joy of loving the whole person she married. Being fully accepted for the complete person's we are is a thing to be treasured and prized. And if she is anything like my wife, she gets every bit as much out of the giving as you do the receiving. Doesn't she deserve at least that much?

I wouldn't worry so much about talking. From what I gather by your post, she knows quite a lot about CDing, how it is part of who you are, etc. She's OK with it, except she doesn't want to see it.

I'm sure it is something you'd like to share more with her, but you need to respect her wishes for now.

Take what's she's given you with an open heart, quit worrying, an try to enjoy it. Many a CDer would love to have a wife's acceptance like yours.

You can't spend your time worrying over nothing. Sure, she may change her mind sometime in the future, but until then enjoy it. And you never know, she may change it for the better. But if you pester her, she may change for the worse.

Worrying is nothing but a waste of time.

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Originally Posted by Holly

if she is anything like my wife, she gets every bit as much out of the giving as you do the receiving. Doesn't she deserve at least that much?

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:iagree:

I can see how you would have all of the feelings you described: Happy, Nervous, and Worried.

Happy: That is sort of the no brainer here. She has given you the green light to dress and to enjoy the feminine side of you. She has even allowed you access to her closet. That would certainly make me very happy. The cat is out of the bag and you have her blessing to be who you want to be.

Nervous: I am sure you are still nervous from just starting the conversation and have not yet settled down. You were not expecting her to be so understanding and accepting. The courage to open up and talk to our spouses about dressng is huge to master. We are also thinking about all the what if's and not at all expecting what you just got. So not only does it maybe raise a concern for you about how genuine it might be, but you are also having to answer questions about this for yourself. Now that she has given you permission, and you did not expect it to happen, you have to give yourself permission to also enjoy and do this. It just kind of raises the bar and puts it back in your court. Being nervous now is that part of acceptance that you have to also deal with. Maybe you were expecting conflict. I am sure if you break the rules or confuse the boundaries conflict will be right behind it. So take it slow as others have suggested, be sure to take her boundaries to heart, and slowly enjoy what you have. The suggestion to take some time off and let it all sink in was a great idea. You could benefit from that greatly.

Worried: I think I would be also. There are so many things to be worried about in the world, but crossdressing should not be a huge one. Even though we can conjure up in our minds many dangerous demons to encounter. That is why it is such a dangerous playground, way too many obstacles to encounter. We worry when things go our way and worry even more when they don't. You still have some acceptance from your part to work on. You did not expect things to be this good, so now what? You might create a worry or two just to balance things out. I would be worried about the comment that her love for you is less than 10 years ago, more so than CDing. I know that love changes over the years but that comment sticks out over many of the things I read in the original post. For me I would want to know more so why? Is it related to the dressing or not? There are some areas that lend to waiting for that other shoe to drop, but in your case it looks like a very cute flat, or a sexy stilitoe, instead of a lead boot.

Taking it easy would be a great way to go. Trust how she feels and then listen to her words and non verbals, and I bet you will be just fine!

I think you are a very fortunate person to have such an understanding wife. Is it a problem for you her not wanting to join in or are you just stunned by her reaction after so many years of hidding?? I am still hiding because I know that my partner is unlikely to be as supportive as yours.

Suppose, for a moment, your SO was in to the sport of farting to a musical tune. You still love them, but watching them and being near them might make you feel uncomfortable. You understand so you are willing to cook beans and provide the sheet music. Is think if she is willing to support you as much as she has you need to realize that she can still love you without a lot of involvement. She trusts you enough to know that you can enjoy the activity on your own. The only thing, you need to keep her involved with the other parts of your life...don't let the freedom of dressing make her feel like attention is being diverted. I think I would shy away from using her clothing except maybe the odd time even if she offered it... accidents happen and if she doesn't want to be involved, the constant reminder when her clothes are moved might become an issue. The fact that you can talk to her about it is good maybe in time she will decide it is okay for her to become more involved... for myself, I'm not sure I would want my SO very much involved even if she knew.

This is very much the situation in my home. I respect her not wanting to particpate, though I would love it, and she respects my desire to dress. It has been working well for years. I suggest that you take her at her word. Keep the communication open and be honest with her. I think you both are going to be fine.

Communication is a beautiful thing!

Hi pretty much agree with everyone here.. Keep the lines of communication open, don't force things and let them take their time. I don't think there's a question of loyalty here as you both are obviuosly into each other very much. It'll all workout!! :)

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Originally Posted by Sally2005

Suppose, for a moment, your SO was in to the sport of farting to a musical tune. You still love them, but watching them and being near them might make you feel uncomfortable. You understand so you are willing to cook beans and provide the sheet music.

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I'm sorry, I know this is off topic but it made me laugh uproariously (if that's a word). What a fantastic analogy.

:lol:

Ah hem.:straightface: On a serious note. Yes, I agree with the others! Tread carefully, stop lying and treat her with respect. Enjoy.

Hi,

I just wanted to tank you all for all your replies. This is a great community. I should have done this before but I have been busy. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

KOKONA

I agree with all the advice that has been given. Talking is good. Taking things slowly is good, too.

I have some of the same kinds of mixed feelings when my cross dressing comes up with my SO and, she, too, is supportive. But I am also careful, because I have a sense that although she is supportive, it may be a little threatening to her. I am not sure. I think that if the shoe was on the other foot, so to speak, I might feel that my SO's behavior would change not only how I see them, but also how I see myself.

It's all a delicate dance.