I took a major step forward last night...
Hi Ladies,
Just thought I would give you an update on my "situation".
Things are going really great for Alan and Allie both. Since I've come out to my wife things are going better at work and at home. My male life is really great!!! Allie is also moving along well. There have been some minor setbacks along the way but overall I can't complain.
Yesterday I took another major step forward. I came out to my oldest daughter (22) and her finance (23).
The reason I made the decision to do this was that I was afraid she would discover it on her own. I didn't want her to learn of it the wrong way. Also I have come to decision, along with my wife Christy, I need to dress in more "regular" situations.
Currently I only dress when we go out on the town, when out-of-town and usually it involves dancing and drinking at predominately gay night clubs like South Beach or Blur in Houston. The only "issues" my wife I have had are pretty much related, not to my dressing, but to the atmosphere or environment that I'm dressing in. Honestly, these issues would have happened even if I were dressed as a guy.
Now I don't want to give up on that stuff but just want to tone it down slightly and enjoy simpler things like just sitting around the house and watching a movie while dressed.
This obviously can't be accomplished unless the people that live in my house are on board with it. Currently my 22 year old daughter, her 23 year old fiancé and my 14 years daughter live with us.
I know it sounds weird to let a 23 year old guy move into your house with you daughter when they aren't even married yet but you would have to know him. He is really like a son to me already. The wedding is a formality to some extend (which is set to happen next year). He is in Law School and she is about to graduate from college with her Teacher's Certificate. They wanted to move out but we talked them into staying home until they got out of school. No need to get caught up in a lot of bills that might actually make you not finish your degree.
So, I felt it was necessary to tell everyone if I hoped to dress at home. I don't feel the need to dress everyday. But could see where once or twice a week might be good for me.
Yesterday, I knew my daughter didn't have anything going on. My wife was at work, my future son-in-law was at work, my youngest daughter was at a Cheer camp for the week and I could sneak out of work early.
Around 1:30 p.m. I texted her to see if she was home. I told her that I was thinking about coming home early because I had some things I needed to get done. She didn't have any idea what that was. :) When I got home I gave her the usual big hug and kiss and told her how much I love her. I do this everyday and sometimes multiple times a day. I don't think you can do it too much. I set my stuff down and grabbed a bottle of water. Dang, my mouth was so dry. I think I was having a minor panic attack or something.
I wasn't as nervous about telling her as I was my wife. Not sure why. But we've always had a great relationship. I actually kinda look like her when I dress...look like her big sister. I went into the bedroom and set my computer up. I chose the bedroom because I knew we were going to be talking for a while and wanted to have comfortable surroundings. I big fluffy bed that you can lay down on or sit on or whatever is probably good. Just make sure that there are no distractions.
I wanted to set it up first, let her know that everything was ok and then read her my blog. It documents the entire (almost) journey of coming out to my wife and why I dress.
If you are coming out to your family you might want to take notes. I'm not "an expert" in this field but I have told 3 people that all have been very accepting of it so I must be doing something right.
First I said, "Heather, I have something I need to talk to you about". She asked if everything was ok. I said, "Don't worry, it isn't anything bad. I'm ok. Everyone is ok. I love you and nothing is going to change with me or with you. Your Mother is fine. I love her and she loves me. I just need to talk to you about something." She asked what it was. "I guess you know that I'm a little different. I wear two earrings, shave my legs, like to wear bright, tight clothes, wear a Speedo to the beach, enjoying lying out and working on my tan and like to go shopping. Well, I do those things for a reason. From the time I was very small I knew I was different, that I had a very feminine side to me. I suppressed it for years. I thought I was sick, weird, bad for feeling the way I do. I’ve fought an internal conflict for most of my life." I told her that I had put my story down in writing and it might be easier and answer her questions better if I just read it to her. She agreed to listen. I told her to get some tissues because you are probably going to get emotional. I know I am.
We settled in on the bed and I just started reading my blog from the beginning.
If you want to read my blog you are welcome to. It is quite extensive but it really chronicles the first few months of a “new girl” as Monyque, a very good friend of ours from Houston that just happens to be a Transsexual, so eloquently labeled me. :)
http://profiles.yahoo.com/alliesummerscd
You’ll need to start at “In the Beginning…” which is the first post on there and work your way forward.
My wife thought it would be a good idea to kinda “sugar coat” it. I didn’t want to. I wanted to tell her everything, including that I had had a sexual experience with a man. I thought that she was mature enough and our relationship strong enough for her to hear it all. She really needs to know what we have all been going through.
I broke down and balled my eyes out on multiple occasions while reading the blog. I think it is important to let it all out. She moved over close to me and put her hand on my shoulder, patted me and told me it was ok. She started crying along with me a number of times.
You don’t want to fake emotion (which I wasn’t). If you feel it, don’t hold it back. My emotion let her know I was serious, that it wasn’t just fun and games and helped her empathize with me. She also comforted me which brought her into my space and got her on my side. She really wanted to help me.
After reading the blog I asked her is she had any questions. She had a bunch, which was good. I answered all of them. Then I told her that if she ever had any more she should just ask. I also told her that if she felt weird about it or uncomfortable that it was ok. It is natural for a daughter to feel strange about knowing her father wears women’s clothes but we would work through it.
I then asked her if she would like to see pictures of me dressed. Her eyes lit up and she said, “Yes, I’d love to”. I pulled up some very nice, sweet, simple pictures of me. She was really surprised. She commented on how I do look like her older sister or something. It was kinda funny.
She got up and told me to stay there. She ran out of the room. I couldn’t figure out where she went. Well, she ran upstairs to her room and pulled a few things out of her closet that she thought would look cute on me. She actually wanted to help me and was willing to give up her stuff to do so. It was really touching and I gave her a big hug and thanked her for the clothes.
I wanted to tell Heather first and then ask her if she wanted to tell her fiancé. As you can imagine it could be a very sticky subject and an average guy might actually turn against her if he knew her father was a cross dresser. I wanted to give her the choice to tell him or have me tell him or not tell him at all. She decided she wanted me to tell him…that night.
Oh Lord, come out to two people in one day? I don’t know if that has ever been done. :)
Dustin is a really good kid. Great guy. I really love him as a son. We are really good friends too. We do a lot of stuff together. I was actually more worried about him than I was Heather.
I’m not going to get into all the details but it did work out great. He was very accepting of it once we got through it all. But it didn’t start off that good. At first he thought it was a joke and we were pranking him. This happened because Heather and my wife Christy were in our bedroom with me and I just couldn’t go in the other room and get him. I was paralyzed. They were giggling about it. Dustin over heard them and yelled from the living room, “Hey, what’s so funny”. I went in and told him we needed to talk. It started off totally on the wrong foot. I was able to salvage it but it was VERY uncomfortable going from laughing to making sure he knew it was serious.
So some words of advice…
1. Make sure you know the person you are coming out to. If you aren’t secure in your relationship with them it could go bad. If you are secure then it should go fine.
2. You have to realize that if you explain in detail what you’ve been going through and be totally honest about your feelings and admit that you haven’t been honest with them or yourself in the past and they really love you they are going to either be fine with it or they are going to find a way to make it work. If they don’t then they really don’t love you and you really don’t need them. You need to be a better father, friend, husband or whatever so they really do love you or you need to get out of the relationship because they aren’t worth wasting your life over. I know this sounds very callus but you know as well as I do that it is the truth.
3. Do it one-on-one. No other people (or pets) should be around.
4. Do it in a comfortable atmosphere with NO distractions.
5. Make sure that you set it up correctly…I need to talk to you about something…It is ok, nothing bad…I’m ok…it isn’t going to change anything…etc.
6. Make sure they know you are SERIOUS. It isn’t a joke or a game.
7. Be sure to be honest with your emotions. Let it all out.
8. Have something prepared to read to them. I think that it will make sure to cover everything in a very clear way. You will not leave anything out. It may seam a little colder but there will be plenty of time to connect to them when you answer their questions.
9. Get them to sit close to you. They need to be able to easily touch you and comfort you. It will build empathy which will get them on your side.
10. Give them an opportunity to ask questions. Tell them that they can ask ANYTHING and not to feel uncomfortable or worry about hurting your feelings.
11. Have some good clean (not porn) pictures of yourself available so they can see what you look like dressed if they ask.
12. Make sure they know it is ok for them to feel strange about it at first. Tell them it took you years to become comfortable with it so you don’t expect them to understand right away. Just ask them to give you a chance.
13. Make sure they know that you’ve always been like this. You have been like this as long as they’ve known you. You aren’t all of a sudden someone different.
14. Make sure they know it isn’t going to change the way you look at them and it shouldn’t change the way they look at you.
15. Tell them that nothing is going to change.
16. Realize it isn’t going to be easy. Not everyone is going to take to it as easily as my daughter and her fiancé did. Heck, my wife didn’t. We are still working through stuff. Most of our issues have nothing to do with my dressing. They are issues with my infidelity in the past. If you don’t have that then you should be way ahead of me.
17. I almost forgot, make sure they know “WHAT” you are. Explain the difference between a Cross Dresser, Transvestite and Transsexual. Make sure they know how far you plan take this. The first question everyone had is do you want to cut your wiener off? This is going to be a concern of theirs. ..are they going to lose their father, brother, husband, etc? It was easy for me because I love my wiener, it’s my best friend, and I would never get rid of it. I don’t want to make light of it though. I know that many of you are struggling with that and you have a lot harder row-to-hoe. It will take a lot more explaining if you are planning to fully transition. That is something I know I will not ever do.
18. I’m sure I’m leaving something out…
I haven't decided on what or how or even if I should tell my youngest. She is at a tender age and is only now starting to come to grips with her own sexuality. We have an extremely close...I mean extremely close relationship. Not as a tough father but as a firm but caring father that you can talk to about anything but you know is going to hold you accountable for any of your actions.
Obviously if/when I do tell he I’m not going to get into the detail I did with oldest daughter or my wife. I am going to have to keep it a lot more vague but also have to be specific enough to make sure she knows I’m serious and that it has been a struggle my entire life.
That is all I have for now. I hope this helps someone. If you have any comments or questions I am ALWAYS here for you.
Kisses,
Allie Summers
