FROM THE BACK OF THE CLOSET: Week 2 If You Could Go Back In Time

...and know what you know now about crossdressing/transgenderism and how much it means to you and your well being and overall happiness would you have told your spouse? This is a question probably more suited to those who have told with not alot of luck or those who are in the closet right now.

I have seen so many times said that since info was not available 10/20/30/40 years ago it was next to impossible to try to explain or even know this was something you would be doing this many years later. Also I see it said over and over that many guys thought they would have no desire and be able to quit once they got married. Of course that doesn't happen.

So if you could go back to the moment when you first met your wife and you are now armed with knowledge, a true sense of self would you be able to be honest and lay all the cards on the table about who you are and what this means to you?

So many times I have seen women asked what if they knew before marriage, but I have never seen the questions asked of the guys if given the opportunity to be honest...would you?

Hugs
kathy in canada

Hey Kathy, I'm in the closet, and although I only am inclined to indulge my cd side about twice a year and am much less involved in it than many here, I believe it would crush my wife and end our marriage. I have no wish to put her (or me) through that. If I were as driven toward cding as some here, maybe I would feel differently.

if I was 25 years old and getting married today, and if I was a committed crossdresser, then yes, I would discuss it openly with my fiancee.

but I wasn't and wouldn't be a committed crossdresser at the age of 25. It took me 30 years to become comfortable with it in my own mind alone, and to be honest with myself.

too many ifs ................... sorry :o

Kathy,

The thing about crossdressing that made it the hardest before I came out to my wife was the fact that this was something I had to keep secret from everyone. I think this even meant keeping it secret from myself. The shame and guilt I felt whenever I dressed up really ate at me. After I told my wife and she accepted it, I was surprised by how much the desire to crossdress surged in me, and by the fact that it is an aspect of my personality that I want to keep. The freedom of not having to keep a secret from the most important woman in my life is very liberating. Now, the only secrets are the good ones -- what she will get from me for her birthday, what our daughter is planning as a surprise, etc.

However, I also feel some doubt. Yes, I had tried on some lingerie a few times before I was married, but I didn't know that the desire to dress as a woman, or to experience life as a woman, would grow in me. But even had I known, I would have been afraid of being rejected. My head tells me it would be the better thing to do -- better for the long-term of the marriage -- but it would have been hard.

Thanks for asking a thought-provoking question!
Nancy

Boy Kathy those are some good questions. I believe this. If I had opened up to my wife about being a crossdresser I wouldn't have three kids and three grandchildren and my present family. I did get caught by her years ago. Bad experience. I didn't know how to handle it and neither did she. She just didn't understand and I was so embarrassed all I wanted to do was say I was sorry and it wouldn't happen again. I did promise to go see a shrink. I did and it was also a bad experience. My wife thought I was gay. I am not. So....many years later lots of purges and hiding stuff and still loving to dress here I am. I think she knows but we can't talk about it. Sometimes I feel all alone. One part of me wants her to know and the other part says "no". Wonder whats the best thing to do? I am glad I found this forum.

Thanks honey.
Suanne

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Originally Posted by kathy gg

...and know what you know now about crossdressing/transgenderism and how much it means to you and your well being and overall happiness would you have told your spouse? This is a question probably more suited to those who have told with not alot of luck or those who are in the closet right now.

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After dating for a period of time to be sure that the relationship was going to continue, i think that yes, i would have told her about it. But as i know now, my wife was very conservative and although i brought up the topic indirectly over the years, she thought it was a weird thing for men to do and 'not right'.

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I have seen so many times said that since info was not available 10/20/30/40 years ago it was next to impossible to try to explain or even know this was something you would be doing this many years later. Also I see it said over and over that many guys thought they would have no desire and be able to quit once they got married. Of course that doesn't happen.

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So true. I thought the same thing after i met my wife and got established in a relationship. All it did was to lead to more stress within myself and guilt because of the secret desires i held.

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So if you could go back to the moment when you first met your wife and you are now armed with knowledge, a true sense of self would you be able to be honest and lay all the cards on the table about who you are and what this means to you?

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That's a tough one! I could say yes very easily because that seems to be the correct response. However, in practice, i don't know! Despite the way you phrase the question, its still a guess because its all theory. For me, I would have had to be convinced that she would actually accept the concept in principle (not total acceptance as such) before i laid bare my whole life to the judgement of another person.


Christine

[size=4]Hi Kathy,[/size]

[size=4]My wife and I met and married in 19 days so I don't think I had time to tell her, but even if I could have I don't think I would have as things were so different then. We got married in May 1966 and in the early part of the following year she caught me wearing her panties, nylons and suspender belt and although she was shocked she immediately accepted me for what I am and I have spent 39 relatively trouble free crossdressing years with her. If I had told her before we got married - who knows? morals and prejudices were so much tougher then, I don't think even she could give a straight answer to that one. This is a picture of me taken with her in the pub last night. (I'm the one on the right)[/size]

If I became single again I WOULD tell the unlucky lady before we got really serious. Would I redo everything with my present wife if given the chance.... I think so. Will I tell her after 30some years together.......not gonna happen unless I have to. I am 98% sure she would take it very badly.

Emily Ann

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Originally Posted by Toni

[size=4]My wife and I met and married in 19 days so I don't think I had time to tell her, but even if I could have I don't think I would have as things were so different then. We got married in May 1966 and in the early part of the following year she caught me wearing her panties, nylons and suspender belt and although she was shocked she immediately accepted me for what I am and I have spent 39 relatively trouble free crossdressing years with her. If I had told her before we got married - who knows? morals and prejudices were so much tougher then, I don't think even she could give a straight answer to that one. This is a picture of me taken with her in the pub last night. (I'm the one on the right)[/size]

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What a romantic story in so few words, just for you and your wife Toni :hugs:
P.S That is a very lovely picture of you both :)

If I knew now what I did not know then, I would tell her. But at the time I did not know how things would be. i had no idea that at age 48 I would be still wanting to dress and that it is really a part of who I am. But then again I know now that she does not like it and would probably not have married me if I had told her, So maybe I would have still not said anything. We will have been married 24yrs come Sunday and I think that she is surprised that we have made it till now since I told her a few months ago.

Though I have become more confidant of who I am as Stephenie, my wife is not a happy camper. And she will probably never find out about the name or how much My Male side and Stephenie are two sides of the same person and that Stephenie is the one she likes best. This is because she does not want to and does not what to understand.

My wife and I have been together for twenty four years. Actually, we aren't legally married but have been together for so long we don't feel we need to explain that to anyone. When we began living together I was not a crossdresser but for years I had always felt girls had such a variety of nice things to wear and often wondered what it would be like to be all dolled up and wear high heels. Being a girl seemed much nicer than being a guy. Of course I kept these thoughts to myself because as far I knew men who did this were gay. We had been together maybe two years when I told her I had these strange thoughts about dressing up. We were both confused and there were tears. In the end we both felt that this was some sort of phase and that if I dressed I'd feel silly and that would be the end of it. As we all know once it starts it never ends. Back then I had no idea where this was heading, none of us do.

This side of me has grown with my wife since day one and I have never had to hide anything from her. So your question of whether I would have divulged this before getting together doesn't apply to me but I do know that if I had the feelings and desires I have now way back then my guess is I probably would have hidden it like so many have. Right or wrong I guess it's just human nature to keep from being rejected.

Kathy,

Good question and one that I'm sure many of us have asked ourselves over and over again.

They KEY'S to the question you asked is in your phrasing:

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"and know what you know now about crossdressing/transgenderism and how much it means to you and your well being and overall happiness"

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AND

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"and you are now armed with knowledge, a true sense of self".

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Considering that there are a lot of us here who are older CDs, back in our younger days there was hardly any information at all about crossdressing or transgenderism that was widely available. About the ONLY time you ever heard anything about it was when someone underwent SRS and it made the news. Christeen Jorgansen, Renae Richards, and a few others come to mind in this respect. But these were all transsexuals and not necessarily crossdressers. At that point in time sex-change surgery was very new and even more controversial than it is in the present day and time. With all the controversy surrounding these people, anything that indicated that a person was "gender variant" was almost ALWAYS automatically associated with that person being transsexual.

IF we all had the information available to us THEN that we have now, I think a lot of us would have opted to try to come out to our girlfriends/fiancé's before we got really serious and tied the proverbial knot together. It's just a guess, but I would think that there would have been a lot more happier marriages TODAY if we'd had the ability to understand (somewhat) and explain ourselves as best we could back then. On top of that we would have the knowledge that we WEREN'T the only guy in the world who enjoyed 'wearing femininity' for a while and that there were litterally tens of thousands just like us. And if THAT knowledge was available and known to society in general it's possible that we would be more widely accepted in today's world.

We all know that carrying around a secret such as the one we all have kept to ourselves all our lives is a heavy burden to bear. It also prevents us from being our WHOLE self to those we care the most about and hence prevents us from exposing much of our 'softer side' into our personality in daily living. This side of our personality is actually a big part of who we are and unbeknowing to our wives/girlfriends is one of the aspects that most of them found attractive to us in the first place. Most of us are successful in keeping this side hidden, but it STILL spills over somewhat into the personality we display on a daily basis.

Sorry to ramble here, but I figured you wanted a good answer to your question. and the REASONING behind it. So, yes, I think I'd be laying it all out on the table. HOPEFULLY she would have the same information about it that I would have and be able to see it in a different light than she does at the current time.

Dixie - http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

Hi Julie

Umm, well you say you are not as motivated, but really if you reading a message board to some extent every week, in my thoughts, you are still a cd. Maybe not as active as some, but my feelings are that even if you think about it to some extent every day, that counts for some form of 'activity'.


I think if someone is still struggeling with this with-in themself it is probably not wise to come out to an SO. You have to acept this as a part of who you are before it can be shared in a positive light.

I hope 20 years from now you are in a better mental place with this.

Hugs
kathyin canada

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Originally Posted by sportschick

Hey Kathy, I'm in the closet, and although I only am inclined to indulge my cd side about twice a year and am much less involved in it than many here, I believe it would crush my wife and end our marriage. I have no wish to put her (or me) through that. If I were as driven toward cding as some here, maybe I would feel differently.

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hey Crispy I understand, that many years ago it was very difficlut to explain this in any way that an SO could find info or a good support structure.

I know, alot of 'if's. I jsut wanted to know if given what you know now , would telling and being honest be any higher on the 'to do' list prior to marriage committments or not?

So far it seems by many of the responses that even if everyone was in a good mental place back then and was armed with that knowledge and the words to express what they needed, many would still choose secrecy over truth....

makes me sad....

hugs
kathy in canada

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Originally Posted by crispy

if I was 25 years old and getting married today, and if I was a committed crossdresser, then yes, I would discuss it openly with my fiancee.

but I wasn't and wouldn't be a committed crossdresser at the age of 25. It took me 30 years to become comfortable with it in my own mind alone, and to be honest with myself.

too many ifs ................... sorry :o

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I have thought of this a lot, had I known that there were more girls like me out there and the depth of my feelings, I doubt that I would have married and had children. Not sure what my relationships would have looked like, but would have wanted to be more femme 24/7 I suspect.

Tiff

You said:
That's a tough one! I could say yes very easily because that seems to be the correct response. However, in practice, i don't know! Despite the way you phrase the question, its still a guess because its all theory. For me, I would have had to be convinced that she would actually accept the concept in principle (not total acceptance as such) before i laid bare my whole life to the judgement of another person.


Hi Christine


Thanks for giving such an honest answer.

You are right, I (foolishly) had hoped that if given all of what each person knows now about how important this is, how such an integral part of the peson you are, that each person would have said they would have been honest.

But silly me ...

Everytime a guy has told a girl he has dated and he gets dumped, I am quick to say that he is better off becuase now he is just closer to finding a woman who will love 'all' parts of who he is. Of course you can almost hear the collective groan from every other cd who has shared this to less than steller results. And given the not so great success rate that telling brings about I do understand why lying/hiding/secrecy are going to always be the safer gamble than full disclosure and honesty.

I just just hoped that if everyone had had the choice to do it all over again (knowing all the tough times destined to happen) they would have choosen a different road with their SO....


hugs
kathy in canada

Hmmm tricky one to answer, to say hi my name is ****** I would like to wear your dress dont think would work too well as a chat up line.
I did however slowly admit to my girlfriend as she was at the time that I liked to wear some of her things. I dont recall dressing fully before marriage, mainly because I had not done it myself but also because we did not have a lot of money. As I made more money I bought more, learned how to look a little better and slowly became this whatever that is my other me.
My wife does not like what I do but accepts it, she even sometimes gives helpfull comments like, that looks stupid or like the top hey is that skirt mine.
I think we have both learned to cope with what I think of as my hobby I guess we sort of developed it together.

Toni,

I think since you have a happy ending you are pretty much excused from this question..

Hugs

kathy in canada

ps..glad it all worked out..


:thumbsup:

Stephanie,

I think to those who are saying that even if given the opportunity to tell (armed with self confidence and knowledge) they would not have, because it appears in most cases everyone would not have wanted any other life than the one they have with their SO.

And REALLY that is AWESOME. That means that sharing life with your SO, no matter how unaccepting, is still better than having a life with a completely diferent destiny Actually, I think it is more romantic now than sad. I think it means that the guys on here are really in LOVE with thier SO.

Pat yourself on the back for that. 25 years and still into the same person is pretty amazing for todays standards! I hope your wife knows how much you love her. because to me this is looking like the ultimate expression of love...

hugs
kathy in canada

ps..scrap all that stuff I said about 'sad' this means you guys really, really, really, love your wives

and that makes me much more happier!

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Originally Posted by Stephenie

If I knew now what I did not know then, I would tell her. But at the time I did not know how things would be. i had no idea that at age 48 I would be still wanting to dress and that it is really a part of who I am. But then again I know now that she does not like it and would probably not have married me if I had told her, So maybe I would have still not said anything. We will have been married 24yrs come Sunday and I think that she is surprised that we have made it till now since I told her a few months ago.

Though I have become more confidant of who I am as Stephenie, my wife is not a happy camper. And she will probably never find out about the name or how much My Male side and Stephenie are two sides of the same person and that Stephenie is the one she likes best. This is because she does not want to and does not what to understand.

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:thumbsup: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: :)

[SIZE=3]If I had known then what I know now and the surgical techniques of today were available then, I would not have married. I would have lived as a woman, including the hormones and SRS. [/SIZE]

[SIZE=4]TiffTG
Sorry I got your name wrong! Please forgive me?[/SIZE]

I would tell her without a doubt.....but she has told me that had i told her....she would not have married me. round and round the merry-go-round we go and where it stops nobody knows. still, i would have told her even if it meant a big slap in the face and being called a pervert (which is what it was back then). sigh.....

real good question. my answer would be Id do it the same way that I did. i told my wife on our first date....she took it rather well. She went to my house took all my guy underware and burned them. Said that if this is the way i wanted to be then I would have to wear the "p" word 24/7 from here on out. Been 7 years now.... :)

I'm one of those who did "lay the cards on the table" way back then. Knowing what I do now just reinforces the correctness of that decision. My wife and I have been married for 36 years. We have had many discussions over the years about boundary issues (when and where crossdressing is OK), but on the whole she is very supportive. Contrary to popular opinion, there was info available about crossdressing in the late 60's. It was not very complete, sometimes misleading, and hard to find, but it was there.

knowing what i know now yes i would have layed the cards on the table...trouble is back then i did not have a clue as to who or what i was ...it was always something that i could not explane that would get suppressed and out of nowere come back with a vengence....so yes and god the trouble it would have saved....