First Six Months as a Man
Hey Guys,
First, sorry that I've been so totally absent. I really have no idea what is going on in anyone else's life, so please don't be offended if I say something clueless. I am trying to catch up on some of the recent posts. Anyway, here is a quick update on my first six months living full time as a guy in college. :thumbsup:
I have finished my first semester of college. :D I got pretty good grades, despite taking 18 credits (that's 18 instruction hours per week for the non-Americans).
Basically, I made a commitment before school started (like Ze is considering) that I was going to live as a guy. No ifs-ands-buts. When everybody says that transition doesn't change who you are, they're right. I still feel exactly like my old self--only about a thousand times happier. For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm really "socially adjusted", whatever the hell that means. I can't possibly tell you all the wonderful things which have happened to me in the past six months. This post would be thirty-five pages long! I feel like I've crossed a lot of milestones and come a long way.
I have:
used the men's room (I haven't been inside of any of the ladies rooms on campus!);
been called "dude", "buddy", "bud", "man", "guy", etc.;
found a circle of friends who treat me like "one of the guys";
learned how to confidently assert myself as male when I don't pass;
shared my "secret" with two professors on campus so I could feel like I had some moral support;
gone on dates with three girls
. . .
All of that is a lot for such a sort period of time. Honestly, I sometimes feel like I'm moving too quickly. I still have bouts of intense depression, in which I feel like I will never measure up, be a man, etc, etc. . .
My husband is going through a tough time. Being trans has put a strain on our relationship. He's been really great--supportive, understanding, helpful--but he's not gay. So there is this really big part of him which is holding back, actively resisting my transition. He keeps "accidentally" calling me "she" and making references to me being a woman. :straightface: He says that this is because he was married to a woman for a long time and it's hard for him to remember. I believe him; I know he doesn't want to hurt me. Just, I think there is more to it than that--I think, on some level, he actually *wants* to forget that I'm male.
He hates the idea of my taking T, but we've tentatively come to a compromise. If I follow a very heavy workout routine this summer, then I can try to get a doctor to prescribe it in the fall. Then I can take it for five months as long as I keep to my workout schedule. I think this is fair, since we want to have children. Taking testosterone could destroy my ability to do that forever. That's a hard thing to ask him to take a chance on. (Not to mention my deeply conflicted feelings on it.)
Frankly, I wish I could get him to understand that his coincidental "forgetfulness" is the major reason I am in a hurry to get on T. I feel like, maybe if he could *see* the evidence of my masculine nature: the beard, the roughened skin, the deepened voice, it might finally sink in completely--he's married to a guy, ya know. I hate feeling like an alien intruder into his marriage. I want to see, definitely and for sure, whether he will still love me and want me when he totally, absolutely believes that I'm a man.
Yet, I also get his hesitance. I'm bi-sexual and I know what it means to want to be intimate with a girl. I can't, that's frustrating, and I'm asking him to be in the same position. Also, when we are seen together in public, holding hands or hugging, people will see two gay men. That's a hard enough thing for a gay man to deal with. You know. . . if people mistake me for a woman and I want to scream "I'm not a f*cking chick!", is it fair to put him in a place where everyone will assume that he's gay (even though he's not)?
The Christmas vacation was a disaster. I didn't get a day completely to myself in the entire two weeks, between family, housewife shit, work, time w/ my husband, etc. He and I traveled to my father's house for Christmas dinner. Talk about awkward and unpleasant! My husband was sick and had to spend most of the day sleeping, leaving me alone with my family. My sister pointedly and repeatedly called me by my female name, although I politely corrected her every time. My father treated me in a sort of sudo-macho way -- trying to show his support, but unable to treat me like a regular young man. And my sister's boyfriend didn't say a word to me all evening.
The only lifesaver was b/f's son. He accepted my trans status, when I first told him in mid-December, very casually. I told him I was going to be a man. He said, "but you're a woman." I said, "yeah, but people can change, can't they?" He said he guessed so and shrugged. That was that.
--Seamus
P.S. My camera is still broken--that's a very long and angry rant about uncooperative customer service with intra-office communication problems--so it will be a while until I can get some more recent photos uploaded!
