The effects of purging, on a GG...

Before I start, I want this to be understood. What I am about to type is from ONE accepting GG's point of view, but could also be very relevant to a non-accepting GG, whom insists on there CD'ing husbands/SO's, "quitting". I have read so many threads about purging, but really have never heard a GG's view on it, so I decided to write one myself, since I have been through it a few times myself now.

1. They are truly unhappy. (Purging is not something a CD'er really WANTS to do. It is something an outside influence WANTS/INSISTS/MANIPULATES them to do. Who would want to be anything but themselves???)

2. They withdraw. (This is not only a dangerous thing to them, but a sure-fire way to kill any relationship.)

3. They become resentful. (Though it may not be your fault, (SO's I mean) it could be because of something you did or said to them, that made them feel rejected. (Not even intentional) It may be because society hammers this nonsense in their heads. Back to, this is not something that they actually want to do. Bad medicine.)

4. They lose/reject/abandon a special part of themselves. (Here is a scenario. You love your flower garden. Everyday you tend to it, care for it, nurture it. Watch it blossom into something you see as beautiful. One day, someone comes along and tells you, you can no longer have it. Not only do they dig it up? They pave right over it. Never again can you have your garden there, where it belonged. Now yes, you could maybe move it somewhere else, but it could never be in that "right" place again.)

5. They brewed. (Ok, how fun is THAT??? They are miserable. You are miserable. LIFE is miserable. Oh, JOY!!!)

6. $800.00 worth of clothes are now in the trash heap. (This is a waste of money, cause you know what? They are going to do it again. THIS IS NOT A SICKNESS. They can not be "cured". There isn't anything wrong with them. There IS something wrong with society.)

7. They are forced to become secretive. They are who they are. (This is the #2 way, for some #1, you choose, to kill a relationship. Now we are dealing with broken trust. UGH! Is there a way back from this??? IMO? No...)

8. Now WE, (SO's) are more confused and unhappy. (Who is this sad, depressed, withdrawn, resentful, sometimes angry person. This IS NOT who I started with.) Well, no it is not. You started with a CD'er, whether it is unbeknownst to you, or not, now you have a shell of that person. Life sucks...

9. Learning to give them space and time. (NOT always easy, but necessary. This is after all, about who they are. Let them work this out for themselves, be A PART OF IT. Be supportive. Be patient and try along the way, to understand. A long haul? Yes. A lot to ask? Yes. A lot to learn? Definitely. Worth it all? Well, that all depends on what that relationship means to you. Loving your best-friend for the rest of your life?
Priceless...


Feel free to add on to whatever I may have missed....

Thanks! Extremely useful to hear the perspective from the "other side." Hopefully, will do some good...

Wow! You are so switched on to this! I am so impressed! You got it so right with "You started with a crossdresser" I have always told my partners up front, but I can understand how others would not say anything. It is always nice to hear supportive and understanding things :) Thankyou!!!! :love:


........Melissa............

Gawd damn I love you Pattie! :bow:

If only my ex wife could have read your post three months ago!

I see so much of 'me' in your text, and a lot that my ex could have considered as an important part of our relationship!

Thanks for being so 'observant' and expressing your thoughts with such clarity.

HUGS

Christine

That was very sweet. Would be nice if more people would just realize its part of who we are and that we are not monsters. Part of the reason for my divorce was Amy (I never told her i wanted to be female)....oh well.:rolleyes:

Pattie,

You are so special in how you can understand and be so sympathetic to the cross dresser who has experienced purging. It is with a heavy heart that I purged in the past. I thought that by saying good bye to my beautiful feminine clothing I would also put a stop to the very secret desire to dress.

Very important times in my life caused me to purge. When I was visiting my mom in the hospital when she was very ill I was going through a difficult time and I was mixed up so I decided to purge because I did not want to break my mothers heart if she found out. She was fragile due to her illness.

I really was hoping she would recover. I gave all my clothing to good will and I felt like I was starting anew. I went to visit my mom everyday at the hospital with my dad. We knew she was sick and concerned. Well she gave up her will to live and did die within a few months. She died 4 months shy of her 51st birthday. I was so devestated because I lost my mother who was very special to me and felt sad that she never got to see me marry and raise my own family.

Needless to say, after going to her wake and funeral I had to get away so I took a vacation with my dad and we became closer.

I started to gravitate back to crossdressing within a few months of my mother's death It was my security blanket. I needed it back.

I also started going to a psychologist and found myself focusing on my work and trying to meet girls.

When I met the right girl and was preparing to get married I purged again giving most of my new wardrobe to goodwill again but did keep a few dresses in case I needed to secretly dress. I felt that getting married would help me give it up entirely. Getting married was the happiest time in my life and I was so lucky. Within a year we were having a baby! I was on cloud nine. When my wife was about to have the baby I made sure I purged the remainder of my wardrobe. I was so excited. When we had the baby it was the best time in our life. I did not need to dress and I felt so proud being a dad. I couldn't get enough of holding our baby.

After a few years of being completly absorbed in my new life with being married, having a child and a place of our own Life was great. There was no time to crossdress. I didn't even need to.

As my work became more stressful it seemed I needed an outlet and once again I came back to crossdressing or should I say it came back to me!

I'm happily married, we have a wonderful child, I am still close with my dad and my sisters and we have a place of our own. Yet I still have this need to crossdress.

So I've come to the conclusion that purging is not the answer. It only makes you want it more once that desire comes back.

So thank you Patti for your view and your understanding!

I am a hardworking person, I am a loving husband and I am a very proud father!

I am also a closet crossdresser who doesn't need to purge anymore and I am OK!

Emmi

Pattie,

I’ve read your post with much interest and I too congratulate you for posting it. However I thought it was going to be about how SOs feel during the purge period but it was more a description of how you think WE feel. And indeed, I can relate very well to what you describe – however not at the point of purging. Well not in my case – those feelings are more akin to how I felt at the time the urgent need to dress re-awakened after the hiatus..….which was closely linked to this loss of female self image thing.

My view is that only small percentage of those trannies who purge do so because of some external influence or because they feel obliged to purge. I believe that most trannies who purge do so because that is what they want to do at that moment of time – because they believe it is the best thing for THEM. In the weeks or months following the purge they are just as likely to feel euphoric as depressed. Those, who do feel forced, will more often than not go underground and dress in secret. My guess is that those who post that they are considering purging soon – probably don’t purge - and are simply seeking a re-affirmation that they are OK people and will regret purging.

I think trannies actually purge for all kinds of reasons like – a desire to fit in and be normal, finding a new love in their life, found a great new career, abject fear of being discovered, fear of going to hospital, fed up with the whole damn thing, finally accepting they aren’t going to achieve what they thought, getting too old….

For me the moment of purging was as much a blessed release, a relief - a weight off my shoulders – as a painful farewell to a wonderful lifestyle….or the mental anguish of going cold turkey.

Most of the responses to your post are [quite correctly] congratulatory but it would be more informative to hear personal experiences of purging and the possible impact on their SOs.

Fiona xx

Thanks for putting into words what so many of us have had to deal with, both SO's and CD's alike. While I have never purged to the point of throwing everything away I have put this on the back burner and tried to pretend it didn't matter. It has taken many years for both of us to understand and be comfortable with this side of me and each day is a wonderful journey together. My avatar says "wife's best friend" because that's how things have been since there are no secrets and there isn't anything either of us can't talk about. For us the balance between my male and female side makes for a closeness most couples never experience, if only all relationships could be this way. It takes an incredibly understanding and loving woman to make a relationship like this work, it's so nice to see so many women here who fall into that category.

WOW... Pattie, what an amazing post :hugs: Purging is something Tam hasn't done in our relationship, well not in the sense where she throws away all her stuff. But she does tend to put Tam back in the closet for a while, I'm not sure why...... but it's something to discuss I guess.

Thank you for posting a kind and loving window into the soul of a CDer. Your apparent Buddhist perspective is truly demonstrated. :)

Namaste.

Rainbow

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by FionaAlexis

Pattie,

I’ve read your post with much interest and I too congratulate you for posting it. However I thought it was going to be about how SOs feel during the purge period but it was more a description of how you think WE feel. And indeed, I can relate very well to what you describe – however not at the point of purging. Well not in my case – those feelings are more akin to how I felt at the time the urgent need to dress re-awakened after the hiatus..….which was closely linked to this loss of female self image thing.

My view is that only small percentage of those trannies who purge do so because of some external influence or because they feel obliged to purge. I believe that most trannies who purge do so because that is what they want to do at that moment of time – because they believe it is the best thing for THEM. In the weeks or months following the purge they are just as likely to feel euphoric as depressed. Those, who do feel forced, will more often than not go underground and dress in secret. My guess is that those who post that they are considering purging soon – probably don’t purge - and are simply seeking a re-affirmation that they are OK people and will regret purging.

I think trannies actually purge for all kinds of reasons like – a desire to fit in and be normal, finding a new love in their life, found a great new career, abject fear of being discovered, fear of going to hospital, fed up with the whole damn thing, finally accepting they aren’t going to achieve what they thought, getting too old….

For me the moment of purging was as much a blessed release, a relief - a weight off my shoulders – as a painful farewell to a wonderful lifestyle….or the mental anguish of going cold turkey.

Most of the responses to your post are [quite correctly] congratulatory but it would be more informative to hear personal experiences of purging and the possible impact on their SOs.

Fiona xx

---

"but it would be more informative to hear personal experiences of purging and the possible impact on their SOs."


What and why I wrote what I did, IS based on my personal experience when my husband, Gem, purges. I am sorry if you felt it was not informative enough and as far as the use of the word "possible"? It is not a possibility that we, SO's, will be effected. It is a guarantee. I cannot climb into his head to explain his feelings or even fully understand his reasoning. All I can tell you is what I see. What I feel. I see a sad, confused, withdrawn, sometimes resentful person, standing in front of me and it is heartbreaking. I see the effects this turmoil has on him, which in-turn, effects me. It effects every aspect of our lives and our relationship. Just as his CD'ing does. The point I was trying to make, with out having to spell it out in heartbreaking detail was, we, SO's/wives ARE indeed effected with every aspect of CDing. We don't just help them dress or do their make-up, or shop with them. We are right along side them on this roller-coaster ride. We are there for the highs and the lows. We watch the transformations from he to she. We share their happiness when they are at peace, when they find their balance, but we are also there for the "crash and burn". MY personal experience whilst my husband purges is the agony I see within him, while this internal battle ensues. I watch my husband slip away from me. I see the unhappiness. I see the confusion. I deal with the depression, the mood swings, the withdrawal. He is NOT the same person when he purges. How could he be when he is trying so hard to repress, cut off, eliminate, hide a major part of himself?
So what can I do? I can try to get him to talk to me. I can try to explain to him, that I love EVERY part of who he is. I can make a safe haven in my arms and in my heart for him AND for Gem. I can try to be patient, sensitive and understanding. I can hide my own heartbreak to spare him. I can cry alone, so not to upset him more. I can deal with the loss. (It is a loss to me, by the way. It is an expression of grieving for me.) My mind can try to explain to my heart that I must be patient. I cannot fix this broken heart I see, I have to accept whatever decision he makes. I also have to accept the fact that all of this sadness, this chaos, this confusion is at his own hand. He is the one who decides to purge. I have to try to understand the reasoning behind this, when I am not even sure HE does. But the choice I make is MY own. I choose to love him, accept him and his decisions and weather these storms with him, for the rest of my life.

So in conclusion, the effects of purging on a GG are heartbreaking and devastating. And if I had the choice, I would want Gem to be a part of our lives always. She is the pieces of the puzzle, that completes my husband. That completes us.

I hope this was a bit clearer for you Foina and others, that are trying to get to the heart of the matter when it comes to SO's...
This is the personal experience of one.

i love the fact that you wrote these posts and i agree in so many ways with what you've said. I've been forced by circumstances to not dress at all before (never purged) and it's miserable... i do have the advantage over many of the people on this site that i'm not a full crossdresser (strictly lingerie and occasionally heels) that helps but even if you just dress a little bit it's still a part of who you are.

i can also agree with the postings that say some purge and feel better, but from a personal perspective I could never see it being a permanent feeling, denying yourself is never healthy in my opinion.

having rambled my thoughts let me just say that posts like these make me even happier that I have an understanding GG in my life that has accepted my dressing from day one, slight apprehension at first maybe but that only lasted a very short time just to let it sink in as it is a first-time experience for her. But she's is great about it and encourages me to be myself, not once has she tried to keep me from being myself.

This is just my way of venting a bit. Of dealing with what has been going on in our life lately. The thing about my husband purging isn't just the clothes. It is his attempt to expel this side of him, that he both loves and hates. Something I feel in an impossible task also something I cannot fully understand, but then again, I am not a CD'er. I don't have to deal with the effect of society. All I can do, is what I stated in my posts. Love him, stand by him and hope this storm will pass and he will realize, that there is nothing "wrong" with him, but there is a sh*t load of stuff wrong with the world.

And thank you Fiona, for making me think about how I really feel about this.

Thank you Patty,
Your insights into life are so accurate and truthful. I have purged many times in the past, and I must confess the feelings you describe, I have felt. Its odd you feel as if you are one of the 'normal' people rather than one of the odd, but this only lasts for a few days, and then it returns, it doesnt seem odd, it seems a part of your life that you must satisfy. I must admit I cried as I read, but now smile as I realize your love for each other.

You are an :angel:

Hi hon,

It's all about the conflict within...much of this heavily contributed to by society being unable to accept males who have, and display, their feminine side. Therefore, the CD lives in constant fear of being discovered and never feels comfortable totally with who they really are.

It really is all about being who you really are and being comfortable with it. Often a CD'er will try to separate out the male and female sides...having two separate and distinct personalities. Many times they determine that their male side harbors all the bad or less desirable traits while their female side is all the best of who they are. I don't believe that this is a healthy approach. If there is one thing that I really got out of therapy, it was the need to integrate my male and female persona's into one person and personality. Neither side...male or female...is all bad or all good in and of themselves. I feel personally that I am a composite...with the female side being the more prominent...and dominant side. Yet Chrissie is certainly no saint and "Roy" is certainly no monster either. Integrate all these aspects of who you are into one distinctive person and you can appreciate both the positive and negative sides of both genders. I think it helps make you a more well rounded individual overall and certainly boosts your self-esteem...something that many CD'ers often do struggle with their whole life.

Just my 2 cents here. Good thread Pattie...and I know how you both feel right now and hope maybe that this post helps you both out.:)

Love always,

Chrissie Bear:love:

Patti,
You have painted my picture as well! If only my wife understood half of what you know, life could be so exciting and free. She and I have both lost a very great deal, but she is convinced that it's my fault alone. I don't shun my responsibility, but she is far from guiltless. She just doesn't know it. I am the "one with the problem".
Thanks for sharing. It's nice to know that there are real loving people who are not afraid to stand with their mates.
Love,
SilkenPrincess

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by ChristineRenee

Often a CD'er will try to separate out the male and female sides...having two separate and distinct personalities. Many times they determine that their male side harbors all the bad or less desirable traits while their female side is all the best of who they are.

---

All too true... Everyone's got to take their own path, so I don't see a "right" or "wrong" way to CD. But I personally I think it's a good idea to remember both your femme-self and homme-self are part of larger whole and you can chose to integrate the best parts of each regardless of what you're wearing.

Patty,you are a GEM for posting this.You are a diamond.Thanks.

I knew all of this, Pattie. Knew it 6 years ago, when my marriage to my best friend fell apart. Knew it 7, 8, 9 years ago, whenever she felt utterly betrayed by it. I just didn't know at the time how to say it, and know I was onto something. I didn't have this. And you. And all the other wonderful people here. She didn't know, and I didn't know how to tell her. Partially because I believed what she and the rest of the world were telling me: what I was doing was wrong.

Actually, since then, we have become good friends again, and she actually has done some research, and now understands, to a degree. It's too late for our romantic relationship, but people come here every day with the same troubles, and confusion, inside both themselves and their partners. And I can only thank you, Pattie, from the bottom of my heart, for being here for them. You are one of the good guys. You make this world a better place. We need more like you.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

Pattie,

Thank you for your response. I didn’t doubt that your post was based on personal experience and your perception of your partner's struggles. My comment was directed the CD members here who seem content to applaud your post without giving any real instances of purging in their own lives. They are more than happy with your confirmation that they are poor misunderstood souls who will risk going through all kinds of mental anguish just to make their SOs happy. But they shouldn’t because they just can’t help it.

Apart from my own experiences, I know and I was in contact with 3 who have actually purged in recent times. They were all single, all self-employed and they all had the option of dressing, as and when, they wished. They had zero restrictions.

The first is from Sydney. She is around the same age as me and her main personal goal was to find a GG who would share her lifestyle and her sexual interests. She fell in love with a woman who dressed the way she liked to dress and who was very compatible except she didn’t know about the CD-ing. She went through a period of ‘should I?’ or ‘shouldn’t I?’ tell her but, in the end, she went skipping down to the charity bin to dump her stuff. There was no mental anguish then. She took down her website and I haven’t heard from her since and that’s almost two years later – except for one birthday greeting.

The second is someone who has had a number of traumatic and life changing events in last few years totally unrelated to her cross dressing activities and, who became increasingly uncomfortable with being a tranny and felt more and more anxious and out of place going out to clubs and functions. She simply stopped and it seemed to me to be a very complex decision but I have no sense that she quit because she felt forced to stop or to repress her desires. I rather got the feeling those desires were so diminished or no longer existed and had been consigned to the trivial end of the 'do list'. She had simply been going through the motions by dressing up for months and that it was an unnecessary and even unpleasant effort to go out.

The third is one who discovered who she was, ‘freed’ herself and found a new ‘inner strength’ through one of these New Age – psycho-motivational-life changing ‘institutions of learning’. She stopped, actually he stopped because he quit using a female name, and his final messages to me were very positive and uplifting. He said things like he was comfortable with himself, no longer felt repressed and had found ways of expressing himself other than cross dressing. He no longer felt the need to cross dress because he had integrated his female side into his life. This was more the positive zeal of the newly converted.

A fourth is married and I’ve corresponded with her only very briefly. She had only recently come to cross dressing – after years of repression [?]. She was very enthusiastic about her new tranny lifestyle and was taking in all the dressing advice she could get. She decided to tell her partner which she did. It did not go as planned and she decided to put the urge back in the box.

I still believe that trannies who actually purge do so because that is what they want to do at that period in time. I also think there can be a wee bit of emotional coercion and emotional vindication seeking going on from time to time. And maybe we, married trannies, just want to have our cake and eat it?

Fiona xx

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Tristen Cox

Gawd damn I love you Pattie! :bow:

---

GAWD DAMN, I love you too!!!!! :love: :D

I am glad to see so much thoughts, feelings and experiences in this thread. To each and everyone of you, Thanks so very much.

I consider myself so very, very blessed, to have so many people here that I am able to connect and share with and with many, have had the opportunity to develop such close and cherished friendships.
Where else but here, would I have ever been able to find that?

:hugs: & :kissing:

Pattie, thank-you for this thread and for reminding us that we are not in this alone. It's important to be reminded from time to time that those of us with partners have a profound impact on one another. It's good to be reminded that those with accepting SO's (and I'm one myself) also have issues to deal with.

The good news is that you love Gem with all your heart and it hurts you so to see him hurt, confused, angry, and struggling. If your feelings for this man were not this strong, his condition would have a less severe impact on you. The bad news is that you love Gem with all your heart and it hurts you so to see him hurt, confused, angry, and struggling. This makes for two unhappy people, not just one. I know it's not fair but that's the way it is.

So, what to do? Pattie, we're friends and I cherrish the friendship we have. I know that you and your family have and are going through things that aren't easy. If I might be so bold to suggest that this rebellion Gem is showing against CDing right now is not necessarily about CDing at all? It's more about some of the other things that are going "bad" at the moment, or at least he believes are going bad. On it's best day, this is a tough society to live in... financial pressures, career pressures, family pressures, political pressures, and the list goes on and on and on. Add to this mix that CDing is not something that society embraces with great affection. Now we have a convenient scapegoat to blame all our troubles on. In other words, macho male BS. "If I can just get this d**n crossdressing under control, all this other stuff will fix itself." This is also known as male denial or "I'm off the hook because I found someone/something else to blame."

Fortunately, there is a cure... although it may be somewhat painful itself for a time. The cure? Communication. He's not going to want to talk about some of these things. YOU may not want to talk about some of them either. But you must and so must he. Spend some time reminding one another just how important you are to each other. Reaffirm in your minds what you know is in your hearts. Then, once that foundation of love, trust, respect, hope, and support has been confirmed, start going for the real issues... why does your heart ache, why does his heart ache? And decide together what you can do to make things better for one another.

And always remember that both you and Gem have lots and lots of friends here who want to help if you'll only ask. The two of you have given us all so much, it's only right that we be here for you and Gem now.

I want to say how great it is to have someone who expresses the depth of love and commitment husband and wife pledge to each other, through thick and thin,richer and poorer,sickness and in health.
I admire you. :thumbsup: