It is not just a phase!

[SIZE="3"]I realize that not everyone understands what it is like to be transgendered or homosexual. I do not expect everyone to accept it either, but it would be nice for those who profess themselves as being "ultra accepting of everyone no matter what" to avoid using that line! Oh honey it is just a phase...Grrrrr!

I am so tired of hearing my mother say that my being a lesbian is just a phase. She truly believes that one day I will walk into the living room holding hands with a boy and say "mom - dad, we are in love and getting married". This hurts me, very much. Especially since she tells everyone that she is totally for gay rights and supports all alternative lifestyles. So after a while of her supporting by best friend who a male homosexual, and having many gay friends, I began to think it was just me. Oh no, the hypocrisy goes deeper!

My dad came out to her as a crossdresser last month and she forbid him from telling anybody, wearing, doing or acting anything remotely feminine and let him know that he was an embarrassment to her now. As a complete daddies girl this infuriated me and still heats my furnace whenever mother cuts him a dirty look in a store if he comments on a nice dress or pair of shoes. Even if the article was intended for her, daddy is no longer allowed to comment or appreciate.

The event the spurred this little rant happened a few evenings ago while we were out and I applied lip gloss and passed it to daddy. It was a muted tone, simply moistens the lips and leaves a nice shine, not even that far from Chapstick or Carmex for crying out loud. When mother saw it she marched right up to dad and demanded he wipe his lips before someone saw them. She is so afraid someone will find out and know her (Gigiluv/daddy) secret. You see mother fears the day anyone finds out because then the phase might last longer.

I am one month away from earning my MA in Forensic Psychology and have yet to encounter a CDer who was simply in a phase. Thank you for reading this posting. There are not a lot of people I can talk to about these issues in the small town where I live and so this forum has become my community of friends. Thanks again and have a good evening![/SIZE]

Thank you for sharing. And thank your for re-afirming my thoughts. it is not a phase. once we have figured out what it is and who we are, and have to deal with the family as you have...we may go through a phase, alright. a phase of purging trying to be what everyone wants us to be. Eventually, though we find center as ourselves, much to the dismay of mom i guess.

:hugs:

msniki48

If you need someone to talk to you can im me aim. Xxblahxxxblahx or yahoo. Johnnboy23 or just message me on here if you would like.

[SIZE="3"]That was a great post Danie. For some reason, right now, I can feel for your mom. I'm sure she had hopes of you marrying and grandkids and the whole happy family thing as she grows older. Then her husband suprises her with his own revelation and now her whole reality is crashing down around her. Nothing is working out as she had expected, and I'll bet she's profoundly disappointed with her life.

Her new reality is going to take a while for her to get used to and accept. It may be a long while. It just seems to me that your love and caring and understanding is what she needs right now so she can adjust to a new life and reality that she never saw coming. Your Dad will have to do some understanding and caring and loving too. As I see it, your mom hates your Dad because he's the reason you are a Lesbian and he's hidden the truth from her for all these years. He's no longer her hunky guy man of her dreams. Now he's something she doesn't like and doesn't understand. Try not to blame her. She's very deeply hurt. I'm so sorry.[/SIZE]

Hi Danie! I don't know; perhaps I'll grow out of being a crossdresser in another 40 or so years:)

Seriously though - welcome to the forum.

I'd be fascinated to know if you Forensic Psychology studies have revealed anything that would help us understand what is going on in our brains, as crossdressers. Don't get me wrong, I have come to love the fact that I am transgendered. I am a hetero crossdresser, love to express my feminine side, no desire to transition. This forum has not stopped me feeling ashamed of what I am - I have never been ashamed - but it has actually helped me feel happy and proud of this side of me. If there were a pill I could take to "cure" my TG/CD feelings, I definitely would NOT take it.

Anyway, back to your post. I expect your mother feels that she has a lot to "deal with", what with you coming out as a lesbian and your dad coming out as a crossdresser. Perhaps you can use some of the psychological techniques you have learned to help your mother get through this, and come to embrace the fact that you and your dad are part of the marvellous diversity of gender and sexuality that the human race has. Life would be slightly more dull without the likes of us in this world, don't you think? Your dad needs to reassure your mother too. Many times people react badly out of fear. Fear of embarrassment, fear of losing her husband. By helping allay those fears, he might find more acceptance from her.

No, it's not just a phase, and you and Gigi are beautiful (inside and out) just the way you are. I guess all you can do is try to have patience with Mom. I'm sure she loves you and means well, but it may take her a while to "get it." :hugs:

My daughter is in hi-school now. Until she was 14, I thot she mite be gay, as she showed NO interest in boys. Her sister was interested at 9.
Her mom started out bi, and is openly gay, now.

Like YOUR mom, I thot about how well I would handle having a gay daughter!
Altho, I openly support gay and lesbians, (including my ex), I was unsure, when it came to my own daughter!:doh:

My daughter turned boy crazy in hi-school. So, I haven't had to deal with my personal feelings of her being gay. :brolleyes:

I suggest u give your mom time to understand and accept who u r. Just live your life and be who u r, Danie. If your mom wants to be included in it, she'll get over whatever fears she has!

As a divorced dad, I have no suggestions RE your parents relationship. One way or another, they will work it out themselves!:straightface:

I wish u all the happiness, Danie!:)

I read somebody's reply to a similar post a while back, which basically said, "it is a phase, only that it lasts for life..." -- thought that was great!

As for your mom, allow me to be devil's advocate for just a sec here. I mean, though you demand her understanding, how understanding are you about the fact that she has to cope with a homosexual daughter and a CDer husband? I know it's not the end of the world, but it must not be easy for her either! I don't know her, but she may feel neglected, she may feel outshined, even threatened out of her position of mother, spouse, woman of the house, who knows? Have you guys stopped and asked her how she feels? Or have you been too busy with your own feelings?

Please don't get me wrong, as I personally think it is way cool that you and your dad are able to live with this and even take part in this site together! In fact, it's one of the coolest stories I've ever heard!

So, all I'm saying is communicate with your mother. I don't just mean talking. Give her time, love, attention, information --not necessarily in that order, but definitely in the right proportion-- and she'll come to respect you, as you'll come to understand her. (hopefully, anyways!) ;)

Good luck and congrats on earning the MA! :)

Hi everyone and thank you for posting back!

I am truly trying to give my mom time, she has known about my orientation for 7 years now and gone from telling me to keep it a secret to denying it. It simple does not exist to her. She constantly points to guys my age and says isnt he just the cutest, or hey he's sexy. I just smile and move on. It only bothers me when I see her accepting my gay friends. You know it is weird but I just realized that she is ok with gay men, but has absolutely zero lesbian friends. Hmmm I wonder what this says, maybe it has to do with her own repression of feelings.

Gigi (Dad) is also trying to be patient and understanding. She doesnt wear anything female around mother at all and does not bring it up. Gigi told mother to ask questions as she wanted to and promised to answer honestly and completely. Mother has avoided the subject entirely since that day.

Freud would have a frickin' field day with our family! Thanks again everyone for the support! I will try to cut mother some more slack. It helps getting another point of view on emotional situations. I guess we are all unofficial counselors and therapists here!!

"Mothers" one of those things that we all seam to have had :D and they have this knack of worrying and caring about their children and family.
When things are outside of the family it is easy to be fairly understanding and supportive (up to a point) but when it involves your own children or husband then things can naturally change , it`s called caring.
Your mother may be hoping that it is just a phase as she may know how difficult it can be for people who are looked upon as being different and for some it can be just a phase, there are plenty of young people who go through a phase that they like to call Bi curious ( and i expect that there are many Cds who go through this phase) so you are to young for your life to be set in concrete just yet, ( there are a few i would like to set in concrete) :heehee:.
Your mother is bound to be worried about your father as she will know how much it can affect the hole family if it was to get out about his CDing where as your father and you are no doubt in the pink fog so all caution will be thrown to the wind , so just step back a bit and see things from your mothers point of view which will help you all go forward.

Wow Danie if I didn't know better I'd swear you were my daughter and your mom my wife.:eek: I am in the same boat with your dad and my daughter does stuff like "hey dad check out those shoes on her or daddy you like that dress. It is things she should do with her mom but she loves staci and we share that bond of acceptance. But my wife hates the thohghts of it. anyway I was very happy reading your post but sad your mom is not accepting your lifestyle. I hope things change for you soon..

Danie, I so sympathize with you and Gigi. Sometimes a person just isn't wired to be able to accept certain things. It sounds like your mother has some real blocks around both you and Gigi.

My wife used to be supportive of the TG community. She once called Eddie Izzard "hot", because he was confident and his own person. On Top Model a while back, when the TG contestant was on, *I* got hung up on the proper pronoun to use, but my wife immediately chimed in with "She. She's a she, call her she."

But since I came out to her six months ago, she's been a lot less accepting of TGs in general--rfusing to call my TG friends anything other than "he".

She explains it this way. As long as it's someone else, she can accept it, she has no problem with it, she can even support it. But because it's me--the man she married, her rock, her stability--she can't wrap her mind around it. It turns her off, literally, and that causes her blocks.

That's changing, slowly, and mostly because I let her move at her own pace for the most part. I show her compassion and understanding as she's been going through her own recent life discovery (involving at least one other letter in "LGBT" besides the T), and slowly and in small steps she's coming around to accepting me.

It's taken six months, but it is paying off, or else I wouldn't be going out en femme for the first time ever next Friday. :)

But my therapist says that she may reach a certain point and be unable to go further. Same thing with your mom. She may have already reached that point, but if you and Gigi are patient and understanding and compassionate, and (and I know this is a player for you two) if you pray for her, who knows what could happen?

I'll keep you all in my prayers too, Danie!

Your mom needs therapy.
All of us will outgrow crossdressing...and walking and breathing.

And Danie you have had enough Psychology to know that your Mom is using all "The Coping Mechanisms" that her brain can wrap itself around. Herr Freud got a lot of things wrong, but his work in that area still seems to hold up.

I know it's difficult, but I think you know deep down inside that eventually she will have to accept some realities. Time is ultimately on your side! If you can wait her out, that makes you The Smarter Person. Keep your relationship with your Dad, but DO NOT take sides. Whatever happens, is between the two of them. You can't effect it, and interfering will only cause you grief. I kind of sense from your message that you may be building up to a "Confrontation." Bad Choice! Get your Degree, move out, and move on with your life! Welcome to Adulthood!

Peace and Love, Joanie

Awe Danie,

If I could reach you I would give you a great big hug. I'll bet it's hard for your father to even think of you with out his heart swelling and his eyes misting. . .

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Danie_girl

[SIZE="3"]I realize that not everyone understands what it is like to be transgendered or homosexual. I do not expect everyone to accept it either, but it would be nice for those who profess themselves as being "ultra accepting of everyone no matter what" to avoid using that line! Oh honey it is just a phase...Grrrrr!

I am so tired of hearing my mother say that my being a lesbian is just a phase. She truly believes that one day I will walk into the living room holding hands with a boy and say "mom - dad, we are in love and getting married". This hurts me, very much. Especially since she tells everyone that she is totally for gay rights and supports all alternative lifestyles. So after a while of her supporting by best friend who a male homosexual, and having many gay friends, I began to think it was just me. Oh no, the hypocrisy goes deeper!

My dad came out to her as a crossdresser last month and she forbid him from telling anybody, wearing, doing or acting anything remotely feminine and let him know that he was an embarrassment to her now. As a complete daddies girl this infuriated me and still heats my furnace whenever mother cuts him a dirty look in a store if he comments on a nice dress or pair of shoes. Even if the article was intended for her, daddy is no longer allowed to comment or appreciate.

The event the spurred this little rant happened a few evenings ago while we were out and I applied lip gloss and passed it to daddy. It was a muted tone, simply moistens the lips and leaves a nice shine, not even that far from Chapstick or Carmex for crying out loud. When mother saw it she marched right up to dad and demanded he wipe his lips before someone saw them. She is so afraid someone will find out and know her (Gigiluv/daddy) secret. You see mother fears the day anyone finds out because then the phase might last longer.

I am one month away from earning my MA in Forensic Psychology and have yet to encounter a CDer who was simply in a phase. Thank you for reading this posting. There are not a lot of people I can talk to about these issues in the small town where I live and so this forum has become my community of friends. Thanks again and have a good evening![/SIZE]

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Thank you so much. I was first taken to a noted Child Psychiatrist at age 5, because my mother was worried about my constant attempts to dress in her clothing. The doctor had the sense to tell my mother that I either would grow out of it or I would not. He added that she and the family should love and protect me whatever I chose to do privately, but that I should not be exposed outside the home.

That was decades ago, and I have continued to find the feel of women's clothing far preferable to that of men. Dressing up can always be done alone or with other men, but finding a woman who will share this with us is not so easy.

all i can say danni is i feel for you and your dad but its eventually gonna be alright.just hang in there kiddo.

1.Your mother believes that your dad's behavior is unacceptable.

2. Yet your dad was born with a feminine side that's more dominant than his masculine side, therefore he enjoys to appear feminine.

Which one of the above is a phase?

#1

#2

:2c:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Danie_girl

I realize that not everyone understands what it is like to be transgendered or homosexual. I do not expect everyone to accept it either, but it would be nice for those who profess themselves as being "ultra accepting of everyone no matter what" to avoid using that line! Oh honey it is just a phase...Grrrrr! Freud would have a frickin' field day with our family!

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[SIZE="2"]I was going to write something about this yesterday, along with another interesting thread or two, but I suddenly realized I had nothing to say. However, I’m still thinking about it, trying to put a sentence or two together…:thinking:

I’ve seen these people that declare support for homosexuals, as long as it’s not a member of their own family! I’m not a parent and never will be, but, I’ll tell you, I would be honored to have a lesbian daughter or a gay son. Knowing what I know about the world, I would be afraid for the safety of my loved ones at all times, but I would be openly supportive, in front of and behind my homosexual progeny all the way. I think your mother worries about your safety, and what lay ahead, which, to her at least, is completely unknown and somewhat frightening. You can’t blame her for maternal thinking – it’s as instinctive as your own lifestyle. If someone has no experience with an issue, they revert to societal parameters, however inflexible, and hope for the best…:straightface:

Homosexuality is one thing, but crossdressing is so indefinable (just read the posts here on a daily basis) that it just doesn’t register with some people. I can understand that, which is why I don’t try to explain myself to anyone (and I remain in the closet). After all, I can act “normal” to put others at ease, so I do. Freud notwithstanding, your family seems OK to me…:battingeyelashes:[/SIZE]