I Came out to my mother...again

I'm not sure this is the right section but it seems like it would fit best here so...here I go.

I finally got fed up with constantly lying to my mom about who I was. I was caught a few months back when I didn't put my new purchases away when I got home and my mom found them when she walked through. She asked me what they were for and I said Halloween (it was only 2 weeks away at that point). She was skeptical and I decided at that point to be honest and I told her that I liked wearing that kind of stuff. She thought it was a joke and I went a day then told her it was a prank to weird her out. From there it went unsaid for a while occasionally she teased me about it but very rarely. Again I got fed up of lying to her and told her again but this time I didn't run. I told her that I want to go to a gender counselor to truly search for who I am. She wasn't surprised because she pretty much figured it out the first time I told her. Her reaction wasn't the worst it could have been but she is not accepting what so ever. She compared it to being the mother of a serial killer, she still loves me but she doesn't like my choices. She is embarrassed that I want to go out in public eventually and doesn't know how she will face others when talking about me. She is extremely religious and is conflicted about everything. I'm giving her time to come to terms with it.

I'd like some input on how this went, how much worse could it have been? I'm don't expect sympathy, but I'd like some advice on what I should do next.

It could have been much worse - she could have kicked you out of the house. Please remember, though, that you have had a lot of time to come to terms with yourself, she hasn't.

I hope and believe that she will eventually come around to saying that you are still her child and she loves you whatever.

Some religious beliefs do make it harder for people to accept those who depart from their version of "the norm", but give your mum time and just take it steady around this subject.

My dad was much more accepting, but I am still taking it very very slowly. I don't see any reason to ram it down his throat.

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Originally Posted by charline4994

I'd like some input on how this went, how much worse could it have been? I'm don't expect sympathy, but I'd like some advice on what I should do next.

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I haven't given a damn what my mother thought about me for many years. When I was young she made it very clear to me that "she didn't want two daughters". I have a little sister and dearest mom would admonish me often. "are you gay?", or "you better not be gay", "I want a son not another daughter", "If I wanted two daughters I would have had two daughters!" (yes she really said that)

The funny thing is, I never even came out to her. I never even knew what would set her off. Of course I never knew why the kids at school never seemed to accept me either.

Good old Mom made sure that I never confided in her about anything and consequently she now barely has a son. I only see her a couple of times a year and only talk to her when she calls.

Char, you are very brave for being honest with your mother, but please don't give her non acceptance any more weight than it deserves. She's just another person and soon enough you will be on your own and completely free of her influence.

Some of the mother's may chime in here with bad advice and talking about a "mother's love" and whatnot, but the sad fact that she compared you to a serial killer speaks volume's about her so called "love".

Your emotional well being is what's important here. Don't let her hate infect you. Trust me, it'll take years to overcome it.

-Misty

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Originally Posted by charline4994

She is embarrassed that I want to go out in public eventually and doesn't know how she will face others when talking about me.

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There you go Charlene. That is a big reason she doesn't accept it and unfortunately, it's not something you can control. My guess is she is not only afraid of what to say to others, but what others may think of her as a parent. She more then likely is questioning herself on what she may have done wrong in raising you. It's normal for parents to feel this especially if they have their own fears of what people may think of them. I could be wrong of course but besides worrying about you, it sounds like she is also worried about herself in terms of what other people think. If you have open dialog about it now, at least between you and her, it's a start and hopefully you both can face it together. :)

How much worse? worse than your own Mother comparing your Dressing as being akin to a Serial Killer,need to go some to get worse than that,well from your own family certainly

It's good that you were honest with her. If I can offer you some advice....please just be sensitive to her feelings. Don't do anything that would hurt her, and that you will later regret. She loves you and will be struggling in her own heart about the situation.
I know, it's so easy for us to become so self centered about our crossdressing, and in the end not only does it hurt the ones we love, but it doesn't help us either. Just be patient.

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Originally Posted by charline4994

Her reaction wasn't the worst it could have been but she is not accepting what so ever. She compared it to being the mother of a serial killer, she still loves me but she doesn't like my choices. She is embarrassed that I want to go out in public eventually and doesn't know how she will face others when talking about me. She is extremely religious and is conflicted about everything. I'm giving her time to come to terms with it.

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That's easy - It could have been much worse. You still have a place to live and she still loves you.

But one of the things that she needs to understand is that isn't about her being embarassed and worried about what to say, it is about you. She needs to put the focus on what you need there.

I am a little sensitive about this because I have watched parents react when a daughter gets pregnant and they send her to a home for girls. They let the daughter go through the process of giving the child up for adoption without any support. Then when the girl returns they accept her back into the fold like nothing every happened. All the while lying to their friends and co-workers that the girl went to stay with a grandmother or something. Anything but the truth.

I think parents acting embarassed and trying to hide is one way to deal with it, but not the right one. The priority should be on helping you find out why you feel the way you do and help find a way to deal with those feelings. Not hide you from the world or deny even knowing you.

Both you and your mother need counseling to help both of you through this situation.

My mom eventually got over it. It only took 10 years. :)

I think, if your mom isn't to old fashioned she'll eventually get over it. My own mother told me that when i turned 21 years old I could make decisions for my self. She has voiced some opinions on things I have done, but I always tell her what she said when I turned 21, I made decisions for myself and she can tell me she doesn't like my decisions but will respect the decisions That I made.
I think my mother knows a little about my crossdressing because I have left some clothing items (pantys, bras, hosery and some very definately womens tops) in her house that is now my house because she is in a assisted care living center, and I live there in the warmer months of the year.

I agree with the advice you were given by Ronni and Rianna. You took the moral highground by coming out to your Mom.
As you continue to talk to her about crossdressing remember to be sensitive to her feelings.
There is alot of bad information out there about CD's.Alot of unpleasant stereotypes. I'm sure your Mom has all sorts of sordid images of what you do dressed.
Go slowly as you continue to explain to her who you are. You can always take solice in the fact that you wanted to be honest with her.

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Originally Posted by Terri D

There is alot of bad information out there about CD's.Alot of unpleasant stereotypes. I'm sure your Mom has all sorts of sordid images of what you do dressed.
Go slowly as you continue to explain to her who you are. You can always take solice in the fact that you wanted to be honest with her.

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And most importantly of all - don't bombard her with information. It sounds like you are not sure yourself what you want so the best thing to do would be to try and get her to understand where you are coming from. That you are unsure, but have a deep need to explore this part of your psyche, so deep, your very existence depends on you making the right choice. There IS a lot of negative information out there.

The danger in getting her to help you on your journey is she could try to convince you her views are the best. This can create a lot of conflict, both within yourself and between you. Also, if you push the point that you are going to do what is best for you, you could find yourself homeless. The ideal is that she is a caring and understanding person and will support you in your decision.

Councelling is definately the best way to go, but you need the right councellor. I usually find the "religious" councellors (usually the easiest to locate) are the ones who will try to convince you your ways are evil and something for you to be cured of.

Good luck in your journey hun. Take care & best wishes.
Portia

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Originally Posted by kellycan27

My mom eventually got over it. It only took 10 years. :)

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Guess that means there's hope.. Either wearing her down or just waiting till altsheimer sets in and she forgets she ever had a son.. Lol.

Time for one, my aunt once told me in reference to my fathers acceptance, " look, in your own words you said it took YOU fifty years to figure out who you are and accept it... you might give your father more than three months...."

And as one of my religious friends who accepts and loves me still to this day...
" Hate the sin, love the sinner."
And now he knows I'm not a sinner.

And I love my sister who instist's her god doesn't make misatake's. It confuse's her when I say " You're right."

Carol.

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Originally Posted by Karren Hutton

Guess that means there's hope.. Either wearing her down or just waiting till altsheimer sets in and she forgets she ever had a son.. Lol.

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It was her own fault anyway.. Her and my dad always told me... You can be anything you want to be. I said ok, I want to be a girl. That's not what we meant. ..But that's what you said! But , that's not what we meant..BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID! (kinda bit um in the butt) :heehee:

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Originally Posted by kellycan27

It was her own fault anyway.. Her and my dad always told me... You can be anything you want to be. I said ok, I want to be a girl. That's not what we meant. ..But that's what you said! But , that's not what we meant..BUT THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID! (kinda bit um in the butt) :heehee:

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I guess they should have been more careful what they wished for. Now they have a daughter. Maybe they could have another baby shower for their new daughter but this time with gifts for you. :devil: