Mom won't be coming around...

Mom and i had at it yesterday. Not because I was crossdressing, i know she doesn't approve of it, so I don't do it here, but it eventually got going on to that. Suffice it to say her only responses were to go off with the gay card again before going off on how it was a mental health issue stemming from issues with my father, and the religion card stating how as a sexual deviation it wasn't christian. After i told her it wasn't sexual in nature, she got more entrenched with the idea that I was mentally ill. At this point I seriously doubt I'm ever going to be able to come out about it with my family, which is sad, because i really hate hiding and lying about who I am.

My idea is try and see a therapist. Ofcourse not to fix you, there's obviously nothing wrong with you. Go for a few sessions, and let the therapist to get a feel of you. Then, ask your mom to come with you. Maybe trick her by saying its lunch or something, and, along side with the therapist tell her exactly where you stand, and tell her she can ask any questions shed like. Its worth a try imo, gl hun!

This is a tough one. It seems to me that there's little chance to change your mom's opinion on the subject, so don't bother. Think about the rest of the family - do you want to come out to them? If so, what kind of response would you expect? If not, is there a way that you can compartmentalize your life in such a manner that you can keep your family connections, but allow for self expression as well?

I want to come out, but I know Dad won't handle it well, and I don't think my sister would either. Dad i know for a fact since the last time he busted me, i almost ended up with a dislocated shoulder. As for my sister, I've always been close with her, but she tends to look at things the same way mom does. I don't know how my brother-in-law would react to it either, but since their the only family i've got That i don't have major issues with I'd rather keep it that way. As far as compartmentalizing, I wont be able to do that until I move out. Once that happens It won't be a problem. Much as I'd detest doing it, I can keep Jaina in my closet when they come over to visit, and just not bring her up.

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Originally Posted by Lunchbox

My idea is try and see a therapist. Ofcourse not to fix you, there's obviously nothing wrong with you. Go for a few sessions, and let the therapist to get a feel of you. Then, ask your mom to come with you. Maybe trick her by saying its lunch or something, and, along side with the therapist tell her exactly where you stand, and tell her she can ask any questions shed like. Its worth a try imo, gl hun!

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I agree with the therapy route, but let's not try to "trick" anyone. Take the high road and be honest and decent with her. Once you are ready to invite her to therapy, do so, and if she refuses then it's on her.

She'll hold it against you if you trick her, but if you openly and honestly take steps to help her understand and she refuses then she's the one with the problem, and deep inside she'll know that whether she admits it to you or not.

Jaina, time is your ally. With such a small family, I'd just keep this part of yourself private and work dilligently to establish yourself as an economically and socially indepenent adult. Then you can put the male side in the closet except for when you're with your family.

I think it is so sad when things like this happen , a family should try to understand all of it members viewpoints even it it contradicts theirs , but remember she will always be your mother and that is something special

I am trying to understand something. Right now you are in an abusive relationship with your family. Your father is physically abusive, your mother is mentally and verbally abusive and yet you stay. Are you unable to become independent? Is being degraded, beaten, abused and ridiculed worth what is basically just blood relations?

You used the analogy of playing certain cards, well in the game of life you should go all in now or fold and walk away. I would walk away with what few remaining chips you have before they take you out totally.

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Originally Posted by Michelle.Martin

I agree with the therapy route, but let's not try to "trick" anyone. Take the high road and be honest and decent with her. Once you are ready to invite her to therapy, do so, and if she refuses then it's on her.

She'll hold it against you if you trick her, but if you openly and honestly take steps to help her understand and she refuses then she's the one with the problem, and deep inside she'll know that whether she admits it to you or not.

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I would agree with this path, but it won't happen since the only therapist she'd listen to is a "good christian psychologist." In short one who agrees with her that this is wrong and it needs to stop.

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

I am trying to understand something. Right now you are in an abusive relationship with your family. Your father is physically abusive, your mother is mentally and verbally abusive and yet you stay. Are you unable to become independent? Is being degraded, beaten, abused and ridiculed worth what is basically just blood relations?

You used the analogy of playing certain cards, well in the game of life you should go all in now or fold and walk away. I would walk away with what few remaining chips you have before they take you out totally.

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My parent's are divorced, so while i go over and visit my father and his wife, I don't live with them. As for living with mom, yes I am unable to find work currently so I'm stuck living with my mother. As for her being verbally abusive, explosive fits like this are a rarity since she and dad divorced. Once I'm able to move out on my own however I will be doing so.

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Originally Posted by JainaCarpaccio

My parent's are divorced, so while i go over and visit my father and his wife, I don't live with them. As for living with mom, yes I am unable to find work currently so I'm stuck living with my mother. As for her being verbally abusive, explosive fits like this are a rarity since she and dad divorced. Once I'm able to move out on my own however I will be doing so.

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Given you are an adult, you are under no obligation to see your father. If he beat you to the point of dislocating your shoulder, why would you ever choose to see him?
For that matter, why didn't you have him arrested for assault?

Being that I'm 64 and still in the closet maybe I shouldn't be giving out advice to you but here is my 2 cents worth. As long as you are home don't argue with your mother especially if you want to have any type of relationship with her. but once you have your own place you may do as you please and should. Just always remember that your mother and probably sister will not approve of your life style don't try to force the issue. Let them believe whatever they want but live your own life and for family gatherings do what you can to avoid arguments, it's probably only a few hours anyway so it will not hurt you.
You have your entire life a head of you live it so you are happy but remember that sometimes you have to eat your pride to maintain family relationships.

I can relate some, in that all my family made my life very emotionally hard (walking on eggshells). Because my older brothers were put in prison, I was forced to move 2000 miles, to be with the person who has made my life a living hell, my dry alcoholic, anti-social controlling, sick in the head father. I was able to get my own apartment, to be sane, but, he "pushes all my buttons", when i am in his presence. I suspect he also crossdressed some, because, at 90 yrs old, he is full of sexual issues. Some families are cursed! Some adult children never really got to have their own lives. I hope you find a half decent job, and can move out soon, but jobs are very rare these days. I would keep it secret from any more family, until then. I have never told any of my family. They would skewer me.

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Originally Posted by Vickie_CDTV

Given you are an adult, you are under no obligation to see your father. If he beat you to the point of dislocating your shoulder, why would you ever choose to see him?
For that matter, why didn't you have him arrested for assault?

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The simple answer is I was never beaten. At the time what i viewed as an isolated incident didn't count as abuse, and since it was almost 7 years ago now, I'd just as soon let sleeping dogs lie. I have no crippling injuries in my past, never received any bruises, and if i was hit, it was for something i deserved. Usually that was being slapped for mouthing off, or spanking when i was younger. Any physical fights my father and i had, I initiated. For all their faults i still love my family.

I don't think its possible, in the brief comments contained in any OP or response, to really gain an appreciation of another individual's life circumstances. I'd hesitate to characterize any aspect of Jaina's life based on the snippets we've read. I understand the complex dynamics of families and relationships between parents and children well enough to know that lots of stuff happens - not all of it good or all bad. As JC said above, its her family and she loves them, despite their faults. Look at your own families or origin, think of the interactions with your own SO or kids, and while I hope every moment was perfect, my guess is that you all have moments you regret and moments when you weren't treated the way you should be.

Each of us must grow from being a child to an adult - that transition itself has the potential to spawn conflict. Its just the way it is. Maturing individuals almost inevitabley say and do things that can enrage their parents. Parents often try to keep hold on and control their children too long and too hard.I know I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, nor were my siblings nor parents. Yet there is no more fundemental tie between humans. We need our families as much as we'll ever need anyone.

Once the growing pains are past, its still possible to have, or to rebuild positive relationships between parents and adult kids, no matter where our lives lead. Good luck , Jaina!

Thanks Kim. i don't think I could've put it better. This also gives me some hope that even if I can't share Jaina with my family, i can still have a loving relationship with them

I will give you my personal opinion. I won't even call it advice, because that implies that I think you should do it. I will tell you what I think, to do with as you please.

I do not know your family, but by your description they do not sound like the type of people who will have their minds changed by a little education. They will hate what you are all your life. You can keep them in your life, but they will always be a disruptive influence. Whether or not your continued contact with them is worth that agony, is entirely up to you. It is your choice.

If you set your mind to it, and are not afraid to sacrifice some material luxury, you can probably move to the other side of the country (of course, I do not know your financial situation). You can meet new people who accept you, and will not treat you as if you were ill, or worse, somehow "wrong".

You may think a family is some sort of holy union that may not be broken, but ask yourself this: if it were really a family, would some members of it deny other members their identity? The world is full of people who will love you for what you are. Just because coincidence placed you in a group of people who refuse to do that, does not mean you have to put up with it. You deserve better.

There's a lot of my extended family I quit communicating with simply because I find them to be boring.

I think you have more reason to walk away than that.

Come out to people in your family who don't side with your mother's mindless bigoted views. But if all of them share that, that's the way it goes.

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Originally Posted by Noortje

if it were really a family, would some members of it deny other members their identity? The world is full of people who will love you for what you are. Just because coincidence placed you in a group of people who refuse to do that, does not mean you have to put up with it. You deserve better.

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Very true.

Sounds like you still live at home. If so, then the only way to deal with the issue is to move out. After that you can tell them and go on with your life. They can jump up and down and say whatever they want. You won't be there most of the time and if it persists I can assure you that you will avoid going home. At some point things will improve. My mother never approved of a lot of things when I was young and even after I moved out, but when I stopped acting like I cared what her opinion was it stopped.

Going to a counselor is for you and nobody else, a good one will help you cope. Please don't go to try and change someone else, it just doesn't work that way.
But go to one who will work for you and not to please your mother or anyone else. When you get squared away maybe everyone else will see that you've changed and see the benefit of it all, but until then it is best not to continue the irritation factors.

Either they love you or they don't. If they love you, then they will get past any "issues" they think you have. Or so one would hope.