Something is about to change...

Something in the way I think has really changed since Spring.

In short, I'm just damn tired of 'hiding' every time I am dressed at home. I look to see if the neighbors are outside before I go into the yard, I duck back into the house if I hear a car coming, I am always super cautious about where I am and who can see me.

But somehow this Spring I just basically stopped caring. Not all in one day, but it happened pretty quickly. I still glance out to see if my neighbors are around, but sometimes don't even bother until I'm already outside. If a car comes past on the road (with a good view into the yard) I don't dash for the house anymore. I MIGHT walk behind someting that will block the view a bit, or I might just turn my back as it goes past... several times when out in a skirt I haven't bothered to do either.

I think today was when I realized that I'd reached a turning point. When a car went up the road about an hour ago, I barely bothered to hide (I did turn away from it so my face wasn't showing). I was in the yard with a Summer dress and forms. A few minutes later the same car came back past. This time I just watched it and saw both the driver and passenger pretty much staring at me as they drove past. :(

I still don't want the hassle of having to explain things to people who don't understand, or defending what I do to people I work with... but on the other hand, I also don't really want to spend all the energy it takes anymore to hide.

I've been hiding who I am for 40 years now, and all of that time I've given lip service to the idea that I don't really care what other people think, but still I hid. It was just easier.

Well, now I think I'm FINALLY at the point where I just don't have the energy any more to give a **** what other people think. I'm tired of hiding a major part of myself.

I've been going over in my mind what the consequences might be, and they are all at the point now where it is pretty much no more uncomfortable to be open about who I am than it would be to keep hiding.

Parents: Both still alive, but now pretty much house-bound. I won't TELL them anything, but if gossip gets to them, I think the most that would happen is that we'd have a conversation about it.

Siblings: I have Sisters who's reaction would probably range from 'cool' to maybe one who would just not 'get it'. Either way, at this point if she can't accept me it is time for it to be HER problem, not mine.

Work: This would be bound to be fun. Work is full of gossip, backstabbing and rumors by a lot of small-minded people. But I'm tired of people like that running MY life. At least I really really doubt this would effect my job security, if for nothing else than the fact that after A+ performance reviews for a decade, it would be hard to explain why my leaving would NOT be related to this revelation.

Friends: This is the only one that worries me a bit :( I hang out in some groups that are not close enough to be 'friends', but I do see every week. These are the kinds of people who could make things uncomfortable for me if they wanted to... and if I got too uncomfortable enough to stop going to activities, my social life would go down the toilet.

Along with the 'casual' friends, I do have several close friends. I can certainly imagine a few of them not caring at all... but there are also a few who I really can't read.

What I will NOT do right now is start going out more dressed. At this point the only change I see is just not hiding at home and in my own yard anymore. But in such a small town, I can see word spreading like wildfire through the community as soon as it gets out (for instance, the best friend of one of my neighbors is the husband of a co-worker of mine).

All in all, I don't really see this as a 'decision' I've made. I just find myself not caring anymore and don't really think I could go back into hiding if I wanted to. So at this point all I can do is sit back and watch things play out.

I'm really looking forward to input from people who have gone through similar changes.

Our personal level of self-acceptance grows over time and eventually insulates us against other people's views. Our fem side becomes simply our way of being. It still may be hard explaining to family, friends and business colleagues, but even with them the words come easier when we speak from our deepest conviction. It sounds like you are at that place, Cristi.

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Originally Posted by Cristi

I still don't want the hassle of having to explain things to people who don't understand, or defending what I do to people I work with... but on the other hand, I also don't really want to spend all the energy it takes anymore to hide.

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Originally Posted by Cristi

What I will NOT do right now is start going out more dressed. At this point the only change I see is just not hiding at home and in my own yard anymore. But in such a small town, I can see word spreading like wildfire through the community as soon as it gets out (for instance, the best friend of one of my neighbors is the husband of a co-worker of mine).

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This is how my SO handles it: she IS careful close to home. Like your situation, this is a small town. She might lose friends over it, but she might not. She might encounter difficulties at work, but she might not. By the way, if you do not have an employment contract or you do not have tenure in your work, your job is not guaranteed. It's important for you to know that most US states have adopted the at-will employment contract that allows the employer to dismiss employees without having to provide a justified reason for firing.

Anyway, my SO is also not a TS who is committed to transition or living full time (she still likes being a guy), so she is willing to make compromises. She is not on a mission to be a trans rights activist, although she does contribute to the cause by virtue of being out there frequently ... just not in her own backyard.

She dresses freely inside her home. She has never had to keep the dressing under wraps at home, or having to dress less often than she would like, and maybe this is why she hasn't reached the point of being tired of hiding like you. But, she is careful about going back and forth to her car for the reasons mentioned above and she doesn't hang out dressed in her back yard.

So, she dresses inside her home and she goes out frequently, in next towns over. She's been doing this for years and she has become friendly with the regulars at the places she goes to. They are not close friends, they don't see each other socially or anything, but they do respect who she is. I think this is what made it possible for her to have reached a happy medium with it all.

If you do not want to take on the hassles of having everyone in your town know about you (if you are not planning on transition or living full-time), then I would do the reverse from what you suggest. Be careful at home especially around your neighbors, but do go out more often slightly outside your home radius. My SO goes to restaurants, cafes, shopping, movies, errands, etc, in towns that are under an hour away.

However, if you are planning on living FT outside of work (or even at work), then by all means, be open about it to everyone. :)

In your post you mention your parents, siblings, coworkers, and your friends, but not your wife. Are you married, and how does your wife feel about this?

The bottom line is that YOU must decide what is best for YOU.

I'm out pretty much full time now, even have a fem pic on my drivers license because it is how I am presenting most of the time. I do grocery shopping, clothing shopping, go out to eat, get my truck smog checked, go to entertainment venues, all dressed as Holly because that is where my head is. My neighbors don't bother me and I come and go as I please day and night. My kids, their spouses, and my only sibling (younger brother) all know because I told them. Like you, I tired of hiding. Most of the friends I have told took it pretty much in stride.

So why am I telling you all this? It has been my experience (and that of many, many others with whom I have spoken who have come out) that the reality of coming out rarely reaches the catastrophic levels that our imaginations predict. Now I'm not suggesting that there won't be any fallout... that's just not true. I lost one very close friend and a few casual acquaintances; regrettable but sometimes that is simply the cost of being true to ourselves.

Cristi, whatever you decide, choose what is best for YOU.

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Originally Posted by ReineD

In your post you mention your parents, siblings, coworkers, and your friends, but not your wife. Are you married, and how does your wife feel about this?

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Wow, what an oversight! I think I did mention her, but it must have gotten cut out in an edit before I posted. I've posted here before that my wife is 100% accepting and I dress at home almost all of the time... but she is just as cautions as I am about me being out in public. I'm just as concerned about any feedback/trouble SHE gets as I am about what I might see.

I can kind of relate to your post. My therapist says I am in a sprint. I am telling more friends about it and I dont care to go to my shed in a skirt (I want the neighbors to see me!!!). I BBQ now on my back deck in full atire and I dont care what they think, I am sick of living two lives and I do what I want (to a point).

I have gone to my therapy sessions twice fully dressed, only once had I ran into someone else (older lady = friendly smirk). I've left my beauticians in a skirt, a few cars drove by and must've seen me. I think I got a rush out of it more than being worried who saw me.

I too live in a small town (12,000 people) and most of them are older generation thinkers (working at a mine doesn't help). However I have confronted my boss and head HR about it and we have a plan to make it work with sensitivity training to other employees. I just wish I could skip it all and show up tomorrow in my skirts (but the mine is closing in 2 years and I don't want to burn any bridges... )

Just be true to yourself. If you cannot handle other peoples opinions or unable to ignore them, you might want to re think what you are doing. I however want to be seen, I want to be myself; however I will not go to a shopping mall dressed as I do not want smaller children to wonder why a man's head is on a woman's body ...lol (not sure why)... None of my neighbors have small kids so I don't care.

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Originally Posted by Lady_Chaos

I can kind of relate to your post. My therapist says I am in a sprint. I am telling more friends about it and I dont care to go to my shed in a skirt (I want the neighbors to see me!!!). I BBQ now on my back deck in full atire and I dont care what they think, I am sick of living two lives and I do what I want (to a point).

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I'm curious, Lady Chaos, is your aim to eventually be full time like Holly? :)

A very interesting story Cristi! I think you just wrote my life! I started the same way! Little by little I cared less what others think! I'm now at the point where I wave at my neighbors when they drive by! This attitude may not be the best for you though! You know your situation better then anyone! Main thing you need to do is respect your wifes wishes! Hugs!

This is just a suggestion, but like ReineD said about her SO, why don't you go to places that are within easy driving distance to you but outside the usual area of your friends, family, coworkers etc. That is pretty much what I do but I do feel some of my neighbors have seen me a time or two, coming and going and possibly in my back yard walking out to my shed. I don't know that anyone has seen me like this but I suspect it although I have no reason to. One trick I still often do especially in a busy time of day, is place my wig on the passenger seat of my vehicle and only put it on when I am comfortably down the road. If I am wearring a skirt or dress I can usually scoot out in that, but if not I throw on some baggy sweatpants over till I am down the street. Just a thought if you wanted to get out And have lower risk of being seen but I applaude your decision to not let what others think if they see/find out affect you and don't lose any sleep over it.

And I shall remind EVERYONE again. To get some relief from The Pressure, Trans Folk need an Outlet. In your case a good first step would be to find a Support Group within driving distance. That Way, at least once during The Month you can get out of The House and Openly express your Gurly-self. Because you will likely make friends, you will find other activities and find yourself going out more and more.....Problem solved!

Peace and Love, Joanie

If I am home and am going out en femm I don't worry who see me as I feel and look different! Anyone looking from my neighborhood I hope see a woman, in the yard, by the mail box or getting into the car -- maybe wondering who that woman is but not knowing really who it is and if they realize any different maybe they'er confused / or not, it doesn't matter ................Debra

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Originally Posted by Debra Russell

If I am home and am going out en femm I don't worry who see me as I feel and look different! Anyone looking from my neighborhood I hope see a woman, in the yard, by the mail box or getting into the car -- maybe wondering who that woman is but not knowing really who it is and if they realize any different maybe they'er confused / or not, it doesn't matter ................Debra

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I don't mean to single you out specifically, but your post expresses several sentiments often written here, and I would like very much to understand what I think are paradoxes.

Of course, it depends whether someone lives in an area that is fairly transient, or where all the neighbors are strangers (they don't know each other's first names even after several years, for example), but if the neighbors know the CDer at all, his wife, etc, in a smaller town environment then I should think they would recognize the guy underneath the forms and the wig. I want to emphasize here, if they know him as a guy to begin with. There are some things that don't change such as gait, posture, the way the head sits on the neck, and even more subtle body movements, if you do know someone. I mean, this is what enables us all to recognize someone from behind, or from far away. So, if a CDer is interested in maintaining his privacy because he doesn't want to deal with the possibility of gossip or some form of rejection, and also he wants to maintain a guy life because he genuinely likes being a guy as well, then why would he talk himself into thinking that people who know him wouldn't recognize him?

Second, if he really doesn't care whether people know or not and like the OP he is tired of hiding, then this means to me that he really is not interested in being a guy anymore. Or, does he think that society is to the point where his ability to make close friendships with people would not be affected, whether or not people know? Also, what would be the point of dressing like a guy, if everyone knows you're a CDer? Wouldn't it make sense that in time he would want to live full-time dressed (outside of work if he could get away with it, or even at work if he could), and if this is the case, then why go through years and years of coming out bit by bit? Why not just own up to the fact that he is more a woman than a man and be done with it?

It's hard to accurately convey moods through typed posts, but my questions are not meant to be confrontational. I would very much like to understand. I would like to know if I am wrong when I suspect that it is difficult for many CDers to accept they might be TS (someone can be TS even if they have no need or wish to have SRS for a variety of reasons), and perhaps this is why it can take so long to come to terms with this? Also, there are barriers like marriages, children, and jobs, and this might be why many CDers slowly move towards full time after they're retired, or the kids are grown, or they are widowed or divorced if their wives were not supportive. So, is it a case of being unwilling or currently unable to look at where the CDing is ultimately heading: the reality that the CDer simply is no longer interested in his guy appearance or his guy life, or being his guy self?

Thank you for considering my questions.