Counselors: Male or Female

When I admitted to myself that I was CD, and more importantly came out to my SO, at the insistence of my SO, I went to a counselor. We are also seeing someone as a couple.

While I was looking for someone to go see, I knew that I would have to see a female counselor. There was absolutely no question in my mind that I would never be alble to up to another man about my CDing...

Has anyone else felt that way?

Is it that we feel safer talking to a woman?

Or do we have an aversion to sharing this with man?

i'd agree with you. personally, i felt judged by my last male therapist and as a result, barely touched on any of the stuff that i needed to talk about. and when i started with a new (female) therapist, the floodgates opened.

but i think there's a certain disapproval of cd in professional males, in my experience at least. my ex's first lawyer was disgusted by me (he told her how much he hated sickos and perverts) and - with her implicit approval - tried to seriously gouge me in the divorce. he refused to even talk to me or reply to my letters. after my ex finally got ticked off with him for changing the agreement without her permission (and making her look vindictive and stupid in the process), she got a female lawyer and the divorce was completed in no time at all.

I understand where you are coming from.

I had a SO and i have been seeing a therapist even after you SO left me,

My therapist told me it was my SO way to hand me off and not to feel alone.

I saw my gf's therapist and lucky for me she was a she.

I did not know how I was going to handle a male counselor.

I will tell you though, it was the best thing for me.
My therapist helped me clear my mind and not feel so alone and wierd.
I mean I think we are all a little different but that is what makes us so unique and fun.

A female therist is the way to go for me.

good luck

Having seen both male and female counselors I wold say it comes down to how you feel with them.
The first time I saw anybody was a female who I did feel OK with and then had no problem talking to the Doctor in the practice.
Even though it was supposed to be in confidence I know the doc was already aware of my details.
The next time I saw a psychiatrist; (he was recommended to me by another ex member) who dealt with gender problems and was again easy to talk to.
It is all about how good they can make you feel (relaxed) and not so much about their gender.

PJ

I've seen several female counselors over the years; which is the only ones that I would see. But check them out a bit before you see them, they can have biases as well. My wife was seeing a counselor and I was seeing a different one. I asked mine, if she would do couples counseling for us and she said no, her reason was we should fine a neutral counselor so that neither of us would feel a bias. My wife asked her counselor if she would couple counsel us and her answer was yes. My wife had been seeing this lady for about a year and we were both happy with her progress. The first time that we met with this lady, she told me that my wife had said a lot of nice things about me and then proceeded to attack me. By the end of the session, I felt like I had been beat up pretty good; which we discussed on the way home. My wife couldn't believe it either. That was the last time either of us saw her.

I think that it is very important to find a counselor that has some experience with gender issues. One my old friends said that it cost her a lot of money to educate her counselor.

Currently I'm seeing a counselor myself and my SO an I are seeing someone as a couple. Both are female and we are happy with them both. I agree that a lot depends on the counselor in question, the problem is that you don't know how they will work for you until you go see them. For me it had more to do with my own level of comfort.

Having never seen a male counselor regarding my dressing, I don't know how it would have gone. I expect that I would have a much more difficult time opening up and having an honest conversation..

Over my many years as a CD I have to been to several Therapists, both male and female. I have never had a problem talking with any of them!! But then, I rarely have a problem talking with anybody! I guess maybe sometimes I do have a problem shutting up!!

Generally I've always trusted a women and could open up before I would trust a man. But it does depend on the person. This may have happened because I had a closer relationship with my mother and grandmother. This has followed in my life with female bosses as compared to male bosses.

The one exception to this is my current boss... myself. I trust him... well... most of the time anyway.

I have been seeing a male counselor whom I do feel very comfortable with and can talk about most anything, but it has taken a great deal of time to get to that point. He is very helpful as far as the CD goes but there may come a point soon when I would desire to have some sessions with someone more experienced in gender issues.

AnitaH

The counselor I want desperately to see is male. He was my Ex therapist. Although it was '03 that I first meet him and things change he is the first person that I ever meet without and ego (at lest very little). Now if it comes to going to a new therapist I would try very hard to find a female. Same with changing my family doctor. I am going to change doctors from male to female in hope of a better relationship after all they are the person you put in charge of your life. I would fine it much easier to talk gender stuff to a female then male.

I prefer female therapists. The one male I went to for depression told me and I quote "You are doing this for the attention". At the time I had purged all my clothes and was way far down into the abyss.

I just started therapy 3 weeks ago with a female about my age. I've never gone to therapy before for anything. I can't believe how much I've opened up to her and learned so much about myself. She's also helped me with my relationship with my SO even when I didn't think there was anything to improve. Personally, as males growing up, we are made to feel like being feminine is a defect and the last thing I need with a therapist is to have a man make me feel inferior about being feminine.

Jessica, I'm with you. I agree that as males growing up we are made to feel like being feminine is a defect. I think that Frederique covered that issue pretty well in her "Yuck" post, you might want to take a look at that.

Regarding gender issues and counseling, I think that most male counselors wouldn't have a clue how to relate to a CD'er because most men are just operating from a natively male perspective and are alien to the world of femininity. For that reason, I think that a woman counselor would intuitively understand the emotional nuances associated the desire for feeling feminine and why it is desirable. In addition, being a woman, she would be able to provide a feminine nurturing attitude.

I have had both male and female counselors, and I feel that female counselors are just as competent as male ones, although my SO sometimes thought that a particular female counselor was not strong enough on confronting some of our more difficult relationship issues. In that regard, I think that she might be right. I think that in certain situations a man is better at being direct, frank and to the point. There are certain situations and issues where having a male counselor might be preferable.

But like the OP, I would never want to talk about CDing with a man, for the following reasons:

First, I don't think that the majority of male counselors would have a basis in their own experience for connecting with feminine behavior on an emotional level. To me, having experience with feeling feminine is very relevant and necessary for empathy on the part of the counselor.

Second, I don't think that a male counselor would be as compassionate about dealing with feminine behavior. After all, he is a guy, and guys tend to be more objective than subjective. It is a woman's nature to be compassionate and nurturing. They have always traditionally been the ones to care for the needs of their children, their families, and their friends from the role of a nurturer.

Third, I would frankly be embarrassed about admitting to another man that I enjoy being feminine. It's a guy thing. And it's a societal taboo. Those belief systems don't go away simply by crossing the threshold of the counselors office.

And finally, I don't feel that the average male counselor has the training or background in understanding transgender issues. Like the previous poster said, you would spend a lot of money educating the counselor!

But ultimately, I believe that a woman would understand better about a person wanting to feel comforted by engaging in feminine behavior and by dressing in a feminine way, first because she is a woman and women are feminine. And also for the same reason, because she is a woman, she would be naturally more nurturing and supportive, as women tend to be. I'd be afraid that a male counselor would just not connect with the desire to be feminine.

i have had female straight, female gay, male straight and even a transgendered counselor

okay.. so i have gone through my fair share over the years. Predominately because i moved and not because any of them were necessarily bad.

For sure it depends on the person themselves and how they make you feel to open up and speak truthfully. None of the counselors necessarily gave their own opinions but simply asked questions to allow me to see myself better for who and what i am.

Female straight: agree with many of the other comments, she seemed more nurturing and empathetic. She had other tg patients

Female gay: she seemed to be overly hinting to further pursue my dressing/ transgender side... perhaps too fast too quick

Straight male: he was actually quite awesome, very nuetral in his questions, probing and not conclusive...

Transgendered: she was definitely less about learning about me and more about how to get me to move to 'her' side faster. I found this too biased and didn't allow me to learn about myself, my desires, etc.


anyways, just my own opinion of 4 people and by no means a categorization for types of groups.

I've had both good and bad experiences when talking to men. But I'm still not comfortable with it, I have a nearly life long feeling of not trusting men at all; I even have trouble here, even though I know you all understand how I feel. The feeling just never goes away that someone's going to try to screw me over somehow. That said, there are women out there too that you won't be able to trust to be non judgmental. But I've had better luck with women.

It seems that females are much more open minded about most issues than their male counterparts. I also find that females actually LISTEN to what you are saying, and not go into the session with a "pre determined" diagnosis, so to speak. I have seen therapists in the past, and I fully entrusted those women, which IDK if I could have with a fella. Just my $.02 worth.

Hi,

Some men are really great & do have a very good understanding of & about women yet i find with most men you can not talk about womens issue;s in the main. Jos & i have had two women G P's & we both could talk very openly about any thing. & still do both Jos & i have for some years & most times we would be together. as well.
Being a woman & talking with another woman there is a greater closeness ,

Even when i was ten i could not talk to male G P's so when asked ?'s my answer was allways the same ....no...answer,

I have over the years been able to talk with men & some have been really nice, so it depends on who & what the issues are, as a woman i prefer women. .

...noeleena...

I'm neutral on the question of a counselor's sex. I've seen a total of two therapists in my life, both female. The first one was at my father's insistence while I was in high school. After a handful of sessions of me not opening up, the meetings were called off. (I blame this on being an angsty teen more than anything else). The second one is the one I'm seeing right now. I'm not sure if I will continue to see her: I get this niggling sensation that she may be disregarding some of the information we've uncovered about me and some of her reactions have not sat well with me.

I'm not sure if I could share my feelings and longings with a male therapist. But I probably could.

Although my experience is not 100% directly comparable, I can understand where the OP is coming from.

When I first came out about being TS, I did it with my (female) diabetes practitioner because she is a friend and I knew I could trust her. She in turn recommended a lady doctor and I told her I was relieved because I didn't know how well I could have talked about my gender to a man. My initial psychiatric assessment was with a lady doctor as well, and that put me right at my ease. I am now being treated by two gender specialists who are both men, but I don't know how easily I would have got to that stage if I'd had to start off with a man.

I think that (at least in my case) I felt happier starting with women because they generally listen both to your words and to your feelings. In my experience, fewer men do that. But now that I am being treated by specialists, I am not worried about their gender so much. Could that be because I feel they accept me for who I am?