A few answers for my wife

My wife and I had a conversation recently and I decided to take the time to address some of her root questions directly one at a time in an email. After I sent it I thought I'd share it with you guys to perhaps get some feedback. Maybe you've been asked these questions and had answers that were worded better then the words I can find. It's difficult to express your feelings into words sometimes.

Some of it is a bit personal but, hey, whatever. I'm a tell it like it is person and I'm very honest. I sincerely hope no one is offended by my answers, that's certainly not my intention. I realize not everyone on here feels the same as I do and I respect everyone's individual feelings on the subject of cross dressing.


Why women's clothes?
I find men's clothes boring, I've worn them my whole life and the variety "I feel" is limited. I like the look and feel of clothes designed for women that aren't offered in men's. Women can express themselves in a "masculine" way but men can't express themselves "femininely", so they don't offer clothing that allows for that expression. Like the sneakers, they simply don't have pink because that's not "manly". I don't pretend to be a woman just because the label says "women's", that's society saying "this is how a woman looks, not a man". I'm myself wearing what I like.

Why express my feminine side?
Like everyone in the world, I have a masculine and feminine side. I've spent my entire life feeling like it wasn't ok for me to express my feminine side, that it was wrong or gay. For my entire life I've wanted to wear skirts or dresses or even something pink but I never allowed myself the opportunity to act on that. It's a huge part of who I am and it's been stifled for my entire life. I no longer am putting everyone else above my own happiness. I feel free in a sense by what I wear because I'm not allowing anyone to impose any superficial standards on me that I feel are unfair to myself.

Why so often?
Because I've never felt comfortable or brave enough to express my feminine side for so long I'm like a kid in a candy store. I feel like it's not leveled off more because I continue to feel the pressure to conform, to you, the kids, my job and society. The more pressure I feel the more it pushes me to go faster and harder. It drives me insane when one moment I see you as supportive and accepting by buying me clothes or picking out outfits then later hear things like I'm selfish, abusive and humiliating. I understand that you want me to be my old self more often and I do too. But it's counter productive when I feel the pressure to not express myself, that I'm being a horrible person for doing what makes me happy.

Why makeup or shaving? It's not how God made you!
I don't know what I'll like until I try it, I have a curiosity about makeup and don't know if I'll like the look or feel. I don't want to be a drag queen or pass as a woman. I want to enhance my natural "beauty ?" and hide any blemishes, just like why a woman wears makeup. I'm still on the search for things that "I feel" look best for me. Just like on What Not to Wear, yeah a woman can wear women's clothes but somethings don't look right on some people. They help find outfits that look best for that individual. As for shaving its the same thing, I like the feel of freshly shaven legs (arms, chest, etc). I've been a hairy person my whole life and I'm enjoying something different. Clothes feel so much different when you shave compared to being covered in thick long hair. When I'm expressing myself femininely I feel it's counter productive to have long black hair growing out. I don't like the way it looks or feels.

Why not make CD friends?
Because I just want to lead a normal life and making special friends has a negative feeling attached to it. Like the world won't accept me so I should be with "my own kind". I know that isn't how you feel but it's how I feel. I do go on the board to get advice where needed because they are in some cases experts on those things. As for friendships I honestly don't mind but I don't want any "gay" to be involved and like craigslist people can come across one way but have completely different intentions later. I'd have to get to know someone for a while to help eliminate that feeling of discomfort.

I think that you have said it very well as to how you feel and only you can slow things down for your wife and family only you can create the pressure to conform to society by that i mean if you except that pressure on the other hand i don't think your wife is pressuring you not to dress she is just asking for time to become comfortable with this new side of you. We some times do become selfish when the door is open for us to express our selfs ( the pink fog ). it sounds like your wife wants to be at your side but sometimes you have to think of her and her feeling also she has feeling you know so stop sending email and talk to her face to face let her see your feeling in your face and body movements they say more then our words and email is just words not you Love Hugs Ronda

Missy, thank you for sharing this with us. It obviously took care and insight to prepare.

The last item is problematical. One huge advantage to having CD friends is that they (and often, their spouses) see the world in a way similar to you. For example, if you see a pair of shoes you like you don't have to use a "guy correctness" filter when commenting on them. You can't do this with your drab friends or with mainstream GGs. Having someone with whom I don't have to be guarded is wonderful!

I can relate to this in much the same way. I gues it can be hard for some to explain to the wife or patrner or answer there many questions. This puts it clearly in your case. I assume that there many other qustions that come with this also from your wife. I'll wait for those questions/responses with interest! Do you feel like letting us know how she responded or reacted?

Being ourselves vs being the person we fabricated for others takes a lot of work Hon. For myself, it's also an art form but sometimes the artist is the only one who truly appreciates his work as part of himself goes into it.:)

Missy, I love your story. I started wearing my older sisters panties when I was only 6 years old, now I am 80 years old and still crossdressing. I met a wonderful girl when I was 9 and married her when I was 23. We had almost 50 happy years together before cancer took her. She knew that I crossdressed and didn't care. I have never wanted to actually be a female and she knew that. Like you I love the fit, feel, and look of feminine clothing and wear it often. I am fairly close to you as I by myself live in Alpharetta. If you would like to get in touch, please send me a PM. As Eryn said, I do see things in the same way you do!!

Missy, you very thoughtfully put these down, and I hope they helped you clarify your thoughts and thought process. I must agree, please use these as your talking points and talk them over with your wife. She needs to look into your eyes, hear your voice, and interact.

Barbara

Thank you for sharing this. I'm going to print it out and give it to my wife. Maybe she'll understand a bit better.

Well i agree on all but the last point, you really don't know what you are missing. My 'normal' friends and family who have met my TG friends can't get enough of them. They are the most wonderful people you could ever be lucky enough to meet, much less call friends.

I went back and read some of the threads you started. I can understand your frustration with not being able to be en femme as much as you want. I think you made the analysis there are sixteen hours a day, and, you work and dress en drab for eight, and sleep for eight. So, why not indulge your needs for the other eight? You used the term of striking a balance. I don't know how much of a balance there can be, if you ascribe en drab time to sleeping and working.

You indicate you do not feel the necessity of having cross dressing friends. If your wife has issues with your cross dressing, which it seems she does, then maybe it would be wise to set aside time outside the home to engage activities with cross dressers. You have already revealed your cross dressing interests to your wife and children, and, if I read the thread on nail polish correctly, your employment. Cutting back on cross dressing in front of your wife may allow you to express yourself on a deeper level with cross dressing friends.

I really feel at some point your wife will make an issue of your cross dressing. Comments have been made that your wife needs to look into your eyes. That is a two way street. You also need to look into her eyes, and, see what her needs are. It is obvious from your analysis under "Why so often?" she is conflicted on the entire subject.

Very well stated Missy, and I can certainly relate to many aspects in my conversations with my wife. It is so difficult for your wife to understand the feelings a person like us have deep inside our mind.

I love that my wife says "I will always stay with you because I love you and want you to be happy, but I can't understand why you like to dress." I guess for me, I should be happy with that statement from her.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by missyatl

Why women's clothes?
I find men's clothes boring, I've worn them my whole life and the variety "I feel" is limited. I like the look and feel of clothes designed for women that aren't offered in men's. Women can express themselves in a "masculine" way but men can't express themselves "femininely", so they don't offer clothing that allows for that expression. Like the sneakers, they simply don't have pink because that's not "manly". I don't pretend to be a woman just because the label says "women's", that's society saying "this is how a woman looks, not a man". I'm myself wearing what I like.

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Ok, I have to call you out on this first one. It is often debated here,but I believe the "variety" argument is simply a justification for crossdressing. I would argue that if women had less variety in their clothing, we'd still all want to wear women's clothes because we are crossdressers.

I'd also take minor exception to your assertion that you dress in women's clothe because of the variety, look and feel. If you scratch beneath the surface, its the desire to express femininity that is the "Why". In a subsequent paragraph you acknowledge that the desire to express your feminine side is a huge part of who you are. Variety in style, color and fabrics are bonuses.

The same underlying reason likely applies to shaving and make up. One does these things to feel more feminine, even if we fall far short of being pretty.

Jennifer and Kim have good points. Its not a hobby. I think we are born as crossdressers...and discover it about age 10. And naturally enough keep it secret due to societal disapproval, and the potential disapproval of the women in our lives. It lasts life-long, and in later years--we need more clothes and more makeup for the same effect. And we get a bit careless about keeping the secret, perhaps due to don't care, anymore.

Well I may see things abit differently because I like men who have a strong femme side ,Steven Tyler recently admitted to this FINALLY after all these years of wild cool clothes/makeup onstage w/Aerosmith and off stage too..and Ive adored every year of him... no telling WHAT he does in private .. I read through your post and in no way do I see you wanting to change your personality in anyway so much as just letting your femme side show through As well not instead .... big difference. MY SO was hiding an entire different persona that he let out when he realized it was all OK by me .. I mean like totally . So extreme that I really dont know how he managed to keep something that forcefull bottled up sp long.


Why not make CD friends?
Because I just want to lead a normal life and making special friends has a negative feeling attached to it. Like the world won't accept me so I should be with "my own kind". I know that isn't how you feel but it's how I feel. I do go on the board to get advice where needed because they are in some cases experts on those things. As for friendships I honestly don't mind but I don't want any "gay" to be involved and like craigslist people can come across one way but have completely different intentions later. I'd have to get to know someone for a while to help eliminate that feeling of discomfort.[/QUOTE]

I think you are on the right path here.. its fine if you come here to get advice , have aquaintances etc ..but ( again this is just me) you cant lose sight of who you are with everyday in real life ( your wife) and that she remain the most important part of your life . Peer pressure can be intense ,jealousy from those still in the closet or who have been dumped can come into play also. In my case my husbands CD/trans friends became everything and trying to compete with or out femme them has become priority #1. Strangely , his CD/ Trans friends are a completely different set from mine .. That says something but Im not sure what .

As in another post you may or may not have seen , this distancing finally resulted in me having a 2 yr relationhip with a pre op MtF that is totally out but kept regular friends and his Trans friends to aquaintance level for mainly the same reasons youve listed . Just wanting to be as normal as possible, and I was definately the shining star in his life. S/he has been lazy about going back to work since he transitioned and thats not going to work for me no matter who they are. He has had alot of peer pressure that I was keeping him from having his main surgery ,,but he publicly stated we were fine as we were and he put me first. He is very upset that I want to end things .

Take it slow and reinforce the fact that she is still the most important thing .. I can tell you thats her main fear at this point ...underneath it all

Why do you want to wear women's clothes?

Because it makes me feel nicer. It makes me feel like you. It makes me feel closer to you.

Are you turning gay? Are you going to turn into a "he/she"?

No, you have nothing to worry about. I love you and only you and I'm your man.

I'm afraid you'll forget and answer the door or go outside in a skirt.

I won't. I don't want to embarass you or myself.

Very well put; There are a million reasons for dressing, and you have put many reasons
on paper for all to see.
Thanks for our thoughts.
Rader

This is the way I sum it up: I feel feminine! I want to look feminine! I want to be feminine! It's beautiful being feminine! It's beautiful being me!

But then I don't have an SO who might want me to be masculine.

Best wishes, Annabelle