A Foray, En Femme

:o Sorry for the cryptic title...my brain just couldn't let go of how it sounded. :o

So, I am currently planning a rather long event for myself and I am going around the site seeking advice and help in the process. If you have suggestions or comments, you are MORE than welcome to post here. This is especially true if you've tried anything like this before and have some good experience to share, though encouraging comments are also very welcome since I am very...well, I'll admit it I am very scared about this. :drink:

I plan on using this thread as a public journal of sorts, get reactions and advice from people...hopefully some encouragement.

Basic story:

My wife and I are separated, and I am going to be spending as much time as possible en femme.

The purpose of this event is to determine if I can live en femme without being sexual. At the moment, dressing is exclusively a sexual act and I don't like that fact. I have struggled with it for a long time and figure, based on the advice of some very friendly people here, that my best chance of making it non-sexual is to DO it non-sexually as often as possible.

Once I succeed in making it non-sexual, I may decide that I never want to dress again...or maybe I will want to live the rest of my life as a woman (not likely, but for personal reasons...nothing against those that do).

Edit: Well, it's non-sexual. It hasn't gone away, but it has changed significantly.

All that being said...The Event!

Starting Date: August 11, 2012
Ending Date: Again, not exactly sure...depends on how things go.

Current Shopping List:
10 Panties *Done*
5 Bras *Got one...real cute red and black*
A Pair of Jeans *Done*
Pajamas *Done*
A Nightie *Done*
Skirt and/or Dress *Done*
A few cute tops *Done*
Bodyshapers *Done*
Breast Forms *Done*
Makeup (Basic, nothing too fancy yet...):battingeyelashes:

:daydreaming:Planning:daydreaming:

Seems like the first step, and one where I could use the most help at the moment. I don't have anything by way of clothes, breast forms, makeup or anything! (Been a LONG time since the last time I dressed)

My sister might still have a wig and/or some breast forms from the last time, so she's looking for those and clothes/makeup I might be able to borrow. We're trying to figure out what kind of girl I want to live as and pick a style. Right now we're looking at the Victoria's Secret Pink Collection as a great place to start...cute, but relaxed.

Biggest thing I'm trying to find out right now is if she still has my old breast-forms and wig, and then decide if I want to buy new ones. Also, trying to figure out how to get a more feminine shape. She has my old steel-boned corset, but that is...well...very sexually charged:devil:, and she has suggested Spanx as a possibility. Ideally something that I can relax in, but still look feminine.

Hi Jessica,
I read your thread here, as well as your introduction, and am very glad I did. You sound exactly like me.

Doing what you are planning on doing should help your arousal situation a whole lot - it did for me. For me, for years, it was sexual in nature. I found that at times I could go all day dressed female and it helped reduce the sexual arousal quite a bit. I kept going longer and longer dressed and it kept helping more and more. At times I tried going without dressing female for long periods, and I found that not only did it make a burning desire grow inside of me, but it also depressed me deeply because I was repressing something inside of me.

I also found that all this changed over time as I have aged. Everyone has variations in their bodies as they age, and this, for me, was one of them.

Religion has played a huge role in my life, and God still does, although I do not practice any religion at this time. I struggled deeply over the feelings, and tried everything spiritual to block them and to set myself free from them. But, that never happened. I read and read the Bible searching for clues about what to do, and finally I came to the conclusion, God made me this way. It's not something I need to repress. This came as a huge epiphany at one point, and it truly set me free. I feel God created me, and God accepts me as I am, no matter how I am dressed.

I have more I could share, but I'll get on to the main point of your post, which is advice on what to do to get started.

Panties: get a variety, try various fabrics, and various cuts. I find that cotton ones can be very soft and have lace on them, and so on, feel very feminine, but not be nearly as sexually arousing. I suggest bikini bottoms because they keep the boys in place, plus since you're not used to a skirt, if you forget and show your undies it's not so bad, because it's a bikini bottom, made to be seen in public.

Bras: again try different styles and fabrics. Even get ones that are for use without breastforms (like sports bras) so you can wear them at times when it's just not going to work to have breastforms on (like working underneath your car).

Jeans: I truly love the Gloria Vanderbilt Amanda style, because being they are stretch denim, they fit my more male figure better. I have several pairs and wear them to work all the time. They also come in other colors than blue.

Pajamas and nighties: Well, what I have varies quite a bit from cold weather to hot weather. You never have said where you are, so I have no idea what to recommend. If you're going to be shaving your legs (I suggest you do), then a nightie would be best all the time, so you can feel your legs against each other - I love the silky feeling!

Skirts: I have many of them - just get what you see other women your age wearing in your area. Go for a short one if you can, if you have nice legs.

Cute tops: I have a wide variety of them, ranging from practical every day tshirts to really girly lacy see through tops. You might want to consider camis as well, as they are cheap and can add a lot to a summer outfit, as well as sleeveless ones and tank tops. It just depends on the image you want. I like the sporty image, so I lots of short skirts or shorts, and add tennis shoes or sandals, tanks, camis or sleeveless, with a baseball cap, pony tail out the back.

I don't own and body shapers or breastforms. Just got a pair of cheapie gel inserts at Walmart to boost the breasts I am currently growing.

Makeup: Sounds like that's best answered by your sister. Mainly that's because I've found most brands and types bother me, based on my skin type, and it;s taken me years to find things that I can tolerate. Things your sister uses are more likely to work for you than what I have.

Wigs: I don't have one (yet) but instead use hats alot, but I'm growing my hair out. Realize some women have shorter hair than men do, and they're not necessarily butch women either. I've seen plenty of very sexy, feminine women in pixie cuts.

As a final note I would say stay focused on looking female during your time. Your body likes patterns and cycles. Train it appropriately. If you eat at the same time every day, your body will expect to be fed each day at that time. So, since your body is currently trained to be sexual when dressed female, don't beat yourself up if you trip up a bit at first. Just stay focused and try to immerse yourself in things you would normally do, just do it dressed female. If you have to have some form of sexual outlet, do it focused in a different way, like have phone sex with your wife regularly. I had to fight through all that to, and it's just training, no more, no less.

------

I think in the long run you may find yourself in a similar situation to mine, where as you age things could change. I went from your position, of no body changes, to now where I'm planning on being a 'chick with a dick', real breasts and all. Long hair, nails done, living full time female. I don't feel I am ever going to be fully female, and know already I am not fully male - I'm somewhere in between. I can most closely relate to the Muxe in southern Mexico on that issue. I've come a long way, and I've made sure it wasn't from outside influences. This all came from within. My wife's not happy, but I have to do this to live a vibrant life, and in that place, I can be a better SO to her. You can't take care of someone else if you don't take care of yourself first!

Hugs, and keep us up to date!

Ann

You can pick up a 3-pack of Hanes panties at the grocery or drug store, with the rest of shopping, & go through the self-serve line if you're embarrassed. Sears carries gel inserts in the bra department; and they have sport bras & soft-cup bras in very large band sizes that will work even for very small breasts.

Resale boutiques are small, friendly, & often very well-stocked. Especially for nice clothes, but also for every day wear.

A month without sexual arousal is a long time for many people, so don't call the experiment a failure if arousal pops up once in a while.

Jessica, you probably suffer from "autogynophilia" the condition of being turned-on by wearing women's clothes. Most crossdressers have this. Less of a problem in the mature years.

I suggest that you reduce the effects by wearing less feminine outfits at first. Jeans and granny panties and no makeup for the first day. And try to get rid of most of your mirrors--they are a big stimulating factor.


after a few hours there is an extinction effect--you cannot be stimulated forever. Then later you can safely add more femmy outfits, makeup and accessories.

Wow, if there’s one thing I can say for certain…the community you have made is VERY supportive. I won’t promise to be here awhile (especially if I decide to eliminate dressing from my life) but in the few short days I’ve been around this has proven to be the best community I’ve found yet.

It’s especially awesome to hear stories from people who have gone through similar issues and succeeded!

Ann, I wish you the best in your spiritual search. That is something that I know I will struggle with as well. I’m planning on joining in the religious discussions here, when I think I’m ready. If you do want to talk more on that subject, I’d love a PM.

Jennifer, you’re certainly not the first person who has told me that this can go away with age. You ARE the first to put a name to it, which I find amusing and helpful, thank you.

As far as the advice goes, it is all appreciated! I won’t be addressing every point, but I am certainly considering it all very carefully.

One of the things I’ve got to be careful with is money:sad:. On the one hand, we don’t have a whole lot of room in the budget, but on the other I need to make THIS time work where previous attempts have failed. This is a major turning point in my life, for so many different reasons it’s not funny. My career is at a turning point, my family, my marriage, my spirituality, my sexuality, even my hobbies…there is actually very little about me that ISN’T on the cusp of change.

It’s very difficult to make some choices, because of the sexual energy that surges every time I even think about this. I want the silkiest, smoothest, sexiest…but is that what I want? I am struggling to find the line between feminine and sexual…since it has always been blurred in the past. I agree with you, Jennifer, a slow approach is best. That’s why I’m looking at the VS Pink Collection…sexy underwear, but definitely loungey/relaxed outerwear. Of course, it’s not exactly inexpensive. I’ve done the 3-pack at Hanes thing a few times and I have to decide which direction I want to go with that. I have to figure out if I can feel feminine enough with them. You do bring up a very good point, though, Lainie…I am going to be working out a fair amount…so I should probably consider some form of activewear.

As for variety, to a certain degree I’ve been doing this long enough to know what I like and what I don’t…in underwear, at least:heehee:. I’ve never really gotten into the ‘whole package’ of feminine attire before, so that is all new. I recently learned the difference between a sundress and other dresses…never knew:eek:! I’ll probably get a pair of jeans to try them out, but I want to be more feminine than male, so probably more skirts and/or dresses. I have no idea if I have nice legs, yet…will have to find out. :thumbsup:

I DO like your advice on hats and ballcaps. Not exactly sexy, but they certainly can be feminine…especially the ones with fake ponytails. I’m very concerned about looking natural with a wig (my hair is very short), and that might be a good solution.

I know that things are going to be difficult sexually…like you said, it’s training. I’m not planning on going the entire time without any form of sexual release or stimulation…but I have to figure out what’s healthy and what’s not. I’m dancing around with the idea of only getting sexual release the way my ‘active’ gender would. That is to say, undress/return to being male beforehand, or only using female methods (vibrators and such:o…no penile contact). A little uncomfortable talking about THAT part in public, so if someone has advice there, please PM me (that and I’m still not certain what the accepted level of detail is…still new).

Ann, I’m sorry to hear that your SO doesn’t like your transition…:hugs:and I have to imagine the decision to go forward without her approval was very difficult. I am not sure HOW to show support, but I do feel for you. I hope everything works out for the best. If I end up going that route, I’ll be sure to talk to you more in detail sometime.

Hi Jessica,
Thanks for the comments back. That is one point I didn't mention - how to make it all affordable. I'm on an incredibly tight budget, just barely back from losing it all due to the economy and being nearly homeless for some time. What I found is that in this area, Goodwill stores don't sell all their clothing in the stores. They turn over the stock regularly, removing things that don't sell. Those items from all the stores in LA and Orange counties then go to a center where they are dumped into huge bins and sold for $2.49 per pound. For $40 you can get an entire wardrobe. (Those items not selling from the bins are then sold at auction at the same location.) Contact your local Goodwill and see if they have a center in your area that does something like this.

I also shop in a variety of other odd shops that sell used clothing. I also watch sales and buy for the outgoing season for next years season.

You forgot to mention shoes, btw. I don't have lots of suggestions there, but if you are size 11 (women's) or smaller, you are in luck that far more stores carry women's shoes up to 11.

I have quite a few pairs of capris and pants, as I went through a phase where that's what i wanted, but don't wear them much any more. Same reason as you - a skirt or dress is more feminine.

I'll PM you on other things. :)

Ann

That's a great tip on Goodwill! We actually have a lot of Goodwill stores in the area, I will certainly do that.

Yeah, I didn't mention shoes...and sadly, my feet are NOT small. Not sure what to do with that, figured I'd tackle it when I came to it. I generally go barefoot around the house, anyway...so perhaps I should look more into footcare than footwear! Haha...

Try Janets Closet for Wigs and Breastforms.
They sell all their wigs at Half Price and they do a great Vollume with Forms so they are very reasonable. Their website has a guide for finding your correct form size AND They have several Videos you can watch on Forms, Wigs, and Makeup. Very proffesionable. I was looking for a new Wig in December and called them I spoke to someone who helped me pick one out and made suggestions over the phone. I bought it, a $200.00 wig for $90, but Revlon and my GG Friend cannot belive how much I look like a real Girl in it! Give them a try.
Barb

That's awesome! It doesn't look like they are in the links section of Clothing&Shoes, etc...you really should send the admins a recomendation! I'm hoping not to have to buy a wig, since my sister might have one, but if I do...this is definiately one of the places to look!

*07/30/2012 Update*

Well, I went shopping today to start building a wardrobe. $70 dollars later I've got some great stuff!

I went to the local GoodWill Outlet store (thanks for THAT advice, Ann!) and picked up a half-dozen bras, a dress and a skirt that are cute and MIGHT fit me...obviously I didn't try them on there, a large bag for everything, and a few gifts for some friends. That part of the trip was only $10! It's a different experience, though, and I do recommend bringing hand-sanitizer or a pair of gloves if you're really going to be digging deep (I reached into a couple jacket pockets and round cigarette butts and gum wrappers, the clothes had obviously been bulk-washed, so not REALLY a concern). I don't have a clue what dress/skirt/top/shoe size I am, so I didn't really look for those as much...they did have three or four bins (and I mean, 15' long, a foot deep) with nothing but shoes. You can find the nearest Goodwill OUTLET store (as opposed to retail store) at the GoodWill website.

On the way home I decided I was going to go to the local mall's Victoria's Secret and get fitted for a bra. I know it's a little backwards, since I had already bought some. Many of you probably know how nerve-wracking and scary it is to walk into a store and tell the SA that you are shopping for yourself. I will say the experience was not what I expected, good, but different. I've posted about it here, to keep this update small...I really wanted to talk about it! :battingeyelashes:

Out of that shopping trip I walked away with ten new panties that were on sale (5 for $26) and they are REALLY cute! I didn't buy any bras because they are super-expensive and I'm hoping they have a sale or something soon.

So, that's that...I have a bag full of clothing in my closet and I've got my eye on the rest of the shopping now.

It begins.

My wife left for Michigan today, so I'm dealing with the pain of divorce and the joy of dressing femme full time. So, avoiding the topic of my divorce, for personal reasons, I'll focus on the foray.

My Truekare breast forms arrived today, and I think I have the right and left forms on the correct sides. :-) it is amazing having the self-adhesive type. They peel off around the edges pretty quick if unsupported. I picked up a bra from VS, doesn't quite fit right, even though I followed Truekare's size chart. First time is always imperfect, but I may go back for another fitting with the forms.

Also picked up some Aqua di Gioa perfume. Smells amazing! I've been wearing Aqua di Gio for a long time, and this has that hint of femininity that I was looking for.

So, here I sit with red dress, forms and bra, smell-good, spanx, and watching Dr. Who.

I completely understand what you mean, the idea of cross-dressing being a mere sexual thing does not make one sound virtuous. Attaching cross-dressing to a more noble sense of being would make life a lot easier.

I did a similar thing, not on such a grand scale, as you. In order to see if I could cross-dress for long periods of time and get used to it, I started to dress every day for a few months after I got home from work. I kind a joke to myself that at the same time I was coming home from a job where a wore T-shirt jeans and sneakers, women were coming home from their office jobs taking off their high heels, pantyhose, skirts, and blouses. They put on their T-shirts jeans and sneakers to feel comfortable while I was putting on high heels pantyhose skirts and blouses to feel comfortable.:D

I did achieve what I set out to do, I felt comfortable wearing women's clothing. Unfortunately I felt comfortable wearing women's clothing. It dawned on me one time while I was getting dressed that women's clothing provided no particular fun anymore. I took what was once exhilarating and fun and turned it into the every day and mundane. Then came the question I could not seem to answer, if wearing women's clothing was no longer any fun then why was I still wearing them? I stopped the practice of wearing women's clothing everyday because I realized for it to be fun it needed to be an occasional thing in my life.

I have no doubt that within a few days the whole arousal thing will go away you will get used to wearing women's clothing as if it was no big deal. (Drilling tasks over and over again works for Armies in all times and all places) I wish you well in your endeavor. Just remember at the end of this you will have to answer the same question I did.

As time goes by I have accepted dressing as a woman. It is almost second nature to go out in either mode.
Female mode requires more preparation though.

My biggest problem right now is figuring out how to tuck. I've read a lot, but when it comes to moving the boys back home, I just can't get the handle on it. If anyone is really experienced, I'd love to have a more detailed discussion in PM.

Edit: Figured it out...NOT the comfortable experience I had hoped, but I know why and there's nothing to do about it.

Getting to the point where I have to ask that question is exactly my goal! I need to separate my sexuality from my dressing to see who I am. Maybe I am just a sexual crossdresser, though history and the last few days makes me think otherwise. If I have to ask, 'Why am I still Dressing?'. Then I have to answer too...

Edit: Well, got to that point...asking the question. Still looking for an answer.

August 12, 2012 edit:

Omg! These breast forms are amazing! Self adhesive is the way to go. It is an amazing feeling to turn in at the end if the night to read a book or watch tv, take off your bra to relax, and still the girls just hang out with you. *Sigh* Makes me want BA! Haha...

Hi Jess, Read the second stickey at the top of this section.

Well, it's been awhile since I updated this. Kinda expected this thread to be locked when I went to look for it. I'm glad it's not, though.

The experiment is on full force, and I've had some very interesting results. The biggest is that I've found my desire to dress has diminished with my ability to do so. I have switched from male underwear and now wear panties all the time, but I have no interest in forms and bras anymore. I wear nightgowns/sleepwear every night, and generally lounge around in some unmistakeably pink clothes (and a Tinkerbell tie-dye t-shirt!). I seem to have moved beyond the clothes and now I only feel the desire to express myself. I'd wear a bra if I had breasts...I'd like breasts, but since I DON'T have them, well, the bra hasn't seen much action. I'd like to wear tighter fitting clothing, but it's not comfortable, so I don't do it. This is NOT the result I was expecting.

I'm currently going to therapy now, to try to track down exactly who I am and where I want to go with the rest of my life, so I can't say the foray is officially over, but I think it's reached a rather stable point. I'm waiting on Victoria's Secret sales, figured out how to do laundry properly, and realized that I don't have to fake ANYTHING about who I am.

Will still keep this open as long as the powers let me. Thank you to everyone who has helped me thus far in this journey!

"realized that I don't have to fake ANYTHING about who I am."

This is a mature realization. Good for you. In day to day life, most women don't fake anything. When I want to impress, I may wear a pushup bra. That's a bit fake, right? But for every day? Nope.

It's important to learn that being a woman, being feminine, has nothing to do with clothes. I am feminine when I step out of the shower. Clothes are just that, clothes. You get used to them pretty quickly. A new top, a new skirt, a new sweater, a new bra? Nice and fun. But once you have worn it for the first time, a new top is just another top to throw in the laundry again.

I suspect that your "personal" excitement is all about the fact that you have been taught that women's clothes are taboo. Really, women's clothes are not taboo. More than half the population of the earth wears them everyday. You are finding that out. You can wear women's clothes any time you want. You just have to accept the fact that people will see you as that kinda weird guy who likes to wear women's clothes. 99.9% of the people in this world don't give a flying poop what you wear. They have their own problems to worry about.

Good luck with your experiment.

Stephie

I'd suggest getting a very firm shaper if the corset is too "charged" for you. A Vedette firm shaper will give you a very feminine shape and smooth out any other bumps as well.