The deconstruction of Violet

O.k., I generally try to keep it light-hearted and humorous when I'm on here but today I got to address a few things that happened yesterday that bothered me.

I was at the Maryland Renaissance Faire yesterday at the Dragon Inn, essentially a pub with a roof but no walls (it's the first location in the video I just posted in the picture & video gallery.) So I'm just hanging out with the other faire junkies, minding my own business, when I hear some yell from behind me,

"AHHH! HOLD ON, I HAVE TO SAY HI TO MY FAVORITE CROSSDRESSER!"

Now everyone in yelling distance is staring at ME. It was my friend Beckie, who then ran up and gave me a pounce-hug. Beckie has always been gleefully excepting of me, but I don't know why she had to make a public announcement that I was a crossdresser. She had four people with her who kinda had a jaw-drop reaction. The older guy there, late fifties/early sixties was pretty go-with-the-flow about it. He said, "huh. I just thought you were a hot chick!" And thought nothing more of it the whole time.

I conversed with them and caught up with Beckie, who I hadn't seen in a long time but one of the girls she was with while friendly felt the need to de-feminize me in her mind. After about 20 seconds or so of my first speaking she blurted out "Yeah now I can see it." I ignored that. 25 minutes later we're still talking, and she interrupts with "And the hands. You got big hands too." Inside i'm like,

OK. You can tell I'm a man, and I have big hands. I GET IT.

I know I'm not perfect, no one is. But people usually show some level of restraint to each other and refrain from saying things to stranger like "You know, you look kinda fat in that outfit" because that's thought of as rude. Why am I not given at least that much courtesy? How am I supposed to react to "You've got big hands?"

"Oh really? Thanks! I wasn't insecure before, good thing you came along to point out a flaw that I can't do anything about! Thanks for the save, I was about to be confident there for a minute!"

After this incident I had two questions:



1.) Why do some people feel the need to vocally detach you from your femininity? It's just like when we're out presenting as female at some public place and the person dealing with us purposefully puts and emphasis on SIR. Like WE hadn't noticed what was between our legs?

2.) Why does this bother me so much? I've always told myself that there was nothing wrong with being a crossdresser, so why was I dismayed to be outed this way? Does not being ashamed mean being o.k. with being outed in such spectacular fashion?

On a related note, I think later that night I came really close to having a major encounter with transphobia. I was to feature at a comedy show that night, and due to the fact that my ride took us WAY out of the way to get home, I didn't have time to change. So I get up to security at the bar/restaurant and he said "I.D. please." I show him. He spends a good 30 seconds looking at it then back at me in silence. I get the vibe from him that this is going to be a problem.

He calls the owner over to have a look at my I.D., but I believe that the owner knew of my gender variance beforehand, considering it's briefly mentioned on the posters and flyers around the place and he waves me in.

I'm aware that there T*girls that have had WAY worse problems, and that ultimately I've been lucky. But in all my years as a cd, I'd NEVER had a door guy not just wave me in. I made light of it in the video, but it still bothered me.

Sorry, just had to express. We now return to your regularly schedules silliness

First, Thank You for going out en femme representing those of us who are still not ready to go out yet. Sounds like you kept your demeanor and cool throughout the ordeal.

You get blindsided by the ones you least expect it from. All you wanted to do was go have a good time at a place you been to before, and then a freind undermines you. I'm no expert, but seems when people say things like that it is to make themselves look superior. It's for their own image. I'm sure others with more insight will chime in.

Sorry to hear you had a bad day. I wish you a fantastic outing the next time out.
Lilly

The world is full of clueless, ignorant people. Everyone has to deal with one sooner or later whether they CD or not.

ALLOWING the worthless opinion or [possibly not] "innocent" question from anyone, especially a STRANGER, to ruin your day, is something only you have control over.

We have no control over the individuals we will encounter when out in the RW or what might come out of their mouth. What we CAN control is how we react to it.

So sorry to hear what happened, Violet!

Those moments can definitely feel like you've been stabbed right in the gut. They hurt so damn much when they happen. Why does it bother you? Because it hurts! Like you wrote up so well, it goes straight after your self-esteem. I don't care how much you accept yourself as a crossdresser, when you are as good looking as you are, you rightfully expect to be accepted as a woman and any other label hurts.

Why do people do it? Because they are nervous? Because they don't know what to say and the situation is uncomfortable for them? Because we challenge their sense of right and wrong? Because we challenge their self-concept?

Who the Hell knows! Why do people avoid eye contact with a homeless person and yet avidly stare at a train wreck? Why do the lavels on clothes say "Professionally dry clean only?" How many dry cleaning hobbiests are there?

I can go months without something like that happening and then suddenly, with no warning, one of those knives to the gut.

How to deal with it? Well, a swift pointed toe to the groin can be effective, but it can have negative consequences like your first prison sentence. The best but not easiest way is to cry in private but to act in public, 'cause you have two roles here. One is to care for yourself and the other is to correct the other person. Painful as it is, it is a chance to serve as an ambassador for crossdressing, to point out their error in as positive a way as you can manage and to then head for the ladies room so you can cry. Just remember to keep face turned up so your tears don't ruin your mascara.

You're damned good at that you do, Violet, you are a true lady, not just a woman, and tomorrow is gonna be a better day.

Hugs,
Persephone.

Sorry, but the way I see it the girl that was "defeminizing" you was actually paying you a compliment on your transforming skills. She had to look hard to find the male underneath. She had actually been completely fooled by your incredible good looks that she had to look closer to verify that you were actually a CD like your "friend" so loudly proclaimed!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Lynn Marie

.... She had actually been completely fooled by your incredible good looks ......

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I think that's her real issue. She didn't like being fooled so she had to point out how it was only momentary and she could actually spot all these things about you. Not unusual.

Many people are uncomfortable around people who are different from themselves. Sometimes they don't know what to say or how to act. I think that's what happened here. The person should have kept he mouth shut but was unable to. You have to have thick skin to walk among the crowd when you are different.

Sorry to here that Violet. Seems pretty rude from a friend to embarras you like that. Sometimes you got to wonder if your friends are your friends.

You had that girl fooled and that ate at her. I would have responded that you want to shrink your hands,but don't know how. The doorman was merely having his 30 seconds of power...and was defeated. You are really cute and I wouldn't let anything bother you..Keep em laughing!

Reminds me of a song; ''letting loose gossip ruin a perfect day''! I'm sure your friend wasn't thinking of outing you that way! So sorry to hear it happen to you!

It would appear rude of your friend to do what she did, but, apart from a little embarrassment to yourself, nobody else cared, it was just a little event in the big picture.
She probably has done you a favor insomuch as it would have given you more confidence in controlling yourself in a crowd.
The next time will be so easy.
Just respond to her then with a laugh and a smile and let's get on with it. :)

Sometimes people are just thoughtless. I suspect your friend Beckie falls into that category. Her female acquaintance...with the hands comment...went beyond thoughtless into rude... Maybe, next time you have a moment with Beckie, you might tell her how you felt about her loud announcement. And if she's a real friend, she'll remember it in the future.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Violetgray

.............. On a related note, I think later that night I came really close to having a major encounter with transphobia. I was to feature at a comedy show that night, and due to the fact that my ride took us WAY out of the way to get home, I didn't have time to change. So I get up to security at the bar/restaurant and he said "I.D. please." I show him. He spends a good 30 seconds looking at it then back at me in silence. I get the vibe from him that this is going to be a problem.

He calls the owner over to have a look at my I.D., but I believe that the owner knew of my gender variance beforehand, considering it's briefly mentioned on the posters and flyers around the place and he waves me in.

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In my younger years, there were times when I drew the task of checking IDs in a bar. That was before the laws were as strict as they are today. My guess would be more that the guy couldn't figure out why you didn't look like your ID and why it said "male" but you looked female.

Having some experience with this...having done 'costumes' when on halloween. I know exactly how you feel. The questions you asked ran through my mind too. The best answer I have, is you have to look at it from the point of view of the other person. Basically, they are going to a party to look at people in costumes....they don't equate the costume to what you are like in real life. They also assume that since you are out and about that you are comfortable with your own costume. So for someone to yell and out you can be expected...she accepts it and doesn't understand why anyone else would not (its just a costume afterall). Anyhow, the way I deal with it, is that my own personal feelings are separate from what my costume is. The costume is just a costume, its not who I am...so I take that perspective in how I think about it...they are talking about my costume, not me. It is also a great way to gain insight though...and people will give you feedback on your costume...this helps you know what you need to improve or what doesn't really matter. I think what bugs you, is changing the social dynamics...you had people looking at you as a female in costume...now they might look at you as a guy in drag.... you are there to enjoy the event not become -the- event. For the bouncer... I don't know... could be he just didn't know what to do when the picutre doesn't match... I did this at a halloween party and a similar thing happened. He handed my id to another staff and they passed it around a bit... turns out he didn't beleive I was a guy....at first he was serious looking then after I laughed about it with the manager the bouncer said he was impressed (with a red face) and the other staff said they thought I looked great....

It sounds like Beckie sees you first as a crossdresser. Some friend, to point you out like that. Time to dump her as a friend.

It could be the woman trying to point out your faults, because she was threaten by your femininity. She may have self esteem issues and felt you looked better than her. Especially after the comment that you were a "hot chick". You are beautiful and she maybe could not handle it, so she search hard to point out your faults.

Hi Violet,

On the up side, when my wife watched your vid about the difference between male and female toilets, she thought you looked really good. As already stated though, people put others down to protect their own inadequacies, even though they may not realise that is what they are actually doing.

My personal view is you look absolutely incredible, but hey, I'm just a weirdo in a dress, so what would I know? Sometimes things just rip at our stomachs and we just have to vent to clear our minds of the crass negativity.

My shoulder is always available for tears, but please don't blow your nose whilst there. :heehee:

Rebecca

Violet,
How others react to you tells us more about them than you. Becky has pegged you as a CD only because that is the level of her understanding about you. Have you had a deep conversation with her and does she know this is a part of you and not a gag? Her friend who knew nothing of you was reacting to her own insecurities (if she allowed herself to perceive you as a woman, then her identity as a woman is at risk and so she had to deconstruct you).

That this upset you tells us a bit about you, that you take your femme image seriously. Though you are comfortable with your male side, you are also proud of your femme side and don't like it when others dismiss it.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rogina garter

You had that girl fooled and that ate at her.

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Yes.

Also, Beckie's your friend, then maybe you could have a word with her about how friends should treat friends in public.

I think what is at issue is that you may not consider yourself as a crossdresser in public!

I know for me in the everyday world I may go off on someone if they say "look at that crossdresser" a few year ago it would not have bothered me as much. Now with me being out in a part time way as a woman and interacting with other women as one of them I would not have accepted that. It is one thing when your using it in your act but if your at the fair and she stops just to call you out that was wrong IMHO.

Now to answer your questions:

1. They need to feel they have the upper hand and they feel that they are the "normal one" and we are not! They feel by disrespecting you that you will feel misrible and down!
2. Like I said you have developed as Violet and you want the respect that you deserve.

That's just my .02 cents!

some people are just rude--

That girl and your friend were more than rude.I would let your friend know how much that hurt you.
Nobody deserves to be treated that way especially you Violet.

Violet, ask your friend how she would feel being introduced as your favorite **** or would she prefer being introduced as a friend. Maybe the lights will come on. As far as the other girl is concerned, if it ever happens again, just ask her "what is that stuff stuck in your teeth" Then point out the bathroom. Trust me, that will send anybody crawling back into their hole.
BTW, I have seen enough of your videos and pics that if you were in town I would take you out as my date and NO ONE would give you a second thought or look. U B Totally passable.
Ellie