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Does your SO accept your dressing initially, then pull the rug out from under you? Are you the enemy now? Constant suspicion with a smattering of nasty little digs? It's where I am now and it sucks. Vulnerable with no trace of masculinity to hide behind.
Hi GinderLeigh,
Luckily this has not been the case for me. I would suggest that you both communicate with one another as it is apparent that something is now bothering your SO. Perhaps there was a boundary (known or unknown) which has been crossed. Get it out in the open and communicate honetly with each other. Perhaps setting new boundaries which are mutually acceptable will help get things back on track. Good luck!
Di
Nope.... she rolled the rug up and beat me over the head with it when she found out...
similar here - mine, who pushed me into hormones in 1979 and transitioning back in 1980 as of about 2 months ago threw away all my bras (which I kinda need) saying she just doesn't know why I wear that crap. This is also a woman that has had a rough time with menopause over the last 3 years and will take nothing for it. All you can do is duck and run...
Jenn
Happy to say that I'm not there yet. Sad to say, I fear that day will come sooner rather than later.
The big M makes them act funny I have been there.
Hope it all works out.
Ginger and Jennifer, I am so very sorry for what you are going through, I have a little, or eeeny teeeny (as our 2.5 year old grandson would say) understanding. My wife was at first totally supportive and participating after I came out to her 9 months ago, and we did so much together. But after two months, the mental pressure became too much and she totally withdrew, and is just now coming back to the point of discussing.
I can't help but feel some mental button or limit was pushed or reached and really hope that given some time and a lot of discussion the reason for the flip flip can be found.
Jennifer, you have my sincerest heartfelt hope that you can both work through this, as obviously she once totally was with you in this.
Love and Hugs, Barbara
[QUOTE=Tracii G;2971814]The big M makes them act funny I have been there.
Hope
it all works out.[/QUOTGGO
You got that right an not Funny Ha,,,,Ha,,,,, Just funny,,,, Just let it Roll that's what I do ,,,Take full advantage of the good days ,,,,
I'm sorry to hear that you're having some difficulty, but speculate that it probably has more to do with other couple issues than with the dressing itself. Try backing away for a few days to provide some breathing space and working on the other issues you have (we all have some).
I'm fortunate in that my wife is accepting, supporting, and helpful even when she's ticked off at me. There are many others with wives like that, but also a vocal population with wives who enforce Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT) or worse. Perhaps yours is still ready to be supportive when the relationship is suitably mended.
Miriam
Hi Ginger, for me it's a DADT Nothing more nothing less.
What do you mean, no trace of masculinity to hide behind, exactly?Quote:
Originally Posted by GingerLeigh
I gather your wife has known less than a year. It's a sign that the two of you aren't taking the more difficult yet healthier course, which is talking it all out the minute that something comes up and someone feels any negative emotion or insecurity. I've experienced this in my own relationship ... sometimes it just seems easier to not talk about the things that are difficult to talk about. Or I tell myself that something must be "all in my mind" and there's no need bothering my SO. But this only serves to create fertile ground where a partner can grow their own "version" of what they think is a motive or what they think is going on, and the longer true feelings are not discussed openly, the more the "filling-in-the-blanks-story" takes on epic proportions. And then things just kinda blow up.
At one point you thought that your wife might be aware of this forum. If she does come in regularly to read random threads, or even if she goes to other forums, it's easy to take someone else's wild fantasy CD ride, or read about TGs who want to transition, and believe that her husband "must" feel this way too.
So you should encourage your wife to join if she hasn't already, she should ask questions if she finds it easier to ask general questions to people that she doesn't know (I've done this too ... I asked many questions here in the beginning in an attempt to understand things, since I felt that my SO was uncomfortable with some of my questions), but more importantly, you should encourage your wife to read threads and ask her to discuss what disturbs her WITH YOU. It's just amazing the things that clear up once they're discussed! :)
Ginger, you are not alone.
I came out to my wife four years ago and it was the blessing I could never have imagined. She helped pick my clothes, bought things for me, put makeup on me, etc. The sex was off the scale.
Fast forward four years and we're in a strict DADT mode.
We've talked on many occasions and the answer is always the same. She just doesn't like it anymore and doesn't want to see Shari in her bedroom again. She has told me she's jealous of the "other woman" and at one point, Shari suddenly just made her uncomfortable and she will not go there anymore.
Been trying and trying, but it looks like nothing will change back. She's not abusive in any manner, just doesn't want to deal with it any longer.
Hormones are wonderful and work well when used in the proper way.
For menopausal women more should seek medical advice than do.
HRT can be a successful outcome to some difficult situations.
The onset of altzheimers is also a tricky street.
mine has not in over 13 years together. What's changed in your relationship - besides the dressing issue? If you haven't already, its time to sit dow with your SO and talk about everything. Find out what she's suspicious of, let her know how little digs feel. Let her know that you feel like "the enemy" now and how badly that makes you feel. And find out what she's feeling.
But for gods sake, don't argue positions. Just talk about you feelings and listen to hers.
I think it is a good day bad day type of thing for my wife. I am sure she loves me, understands that being "jenny" is a part of who I am, but that doesn't mean she has to like it everyday. I also think that outside influences have a lot to do with her mood. My son and her dad live with us, and their attitude toward Jenny certainly influence her daily acceptance.
These situations are very difficult. I initially told my wife around 18 months ago. She was ok, but wanted nothing to do with it. Which was fine with me, as it is my thing so i didn't neccessarily want her involved anyway. Fast forward to about a month ago and i was given the choice of our marriage, house and child or crossdressing. I asked the question that if we hadn't got a child would we have been discussing this? She said no, which i suspected. Welcome to a marriage where you're together for the kids.... I said i'd try and stop cding, but...
Katie Taylor x
Sorry but had to stop and answer this one - it's what we do! We avoid major conflict by taking the gentler path and 'accepting' your CD revelation. We join in and have 'fun' and pretend it doesn't bother us because we love you and want to please you and we don't want to lose you.Quote:
Originally Posted by GingerLeigh
But really it bothers us - A LOT!! It bothers us so much that we start to resent any sign of your dressing and can't bring ourselves to wear anything vaguely sexy or feminine anymore because what's the point -you'll just imagine yourself wearing it. We think enviously of our friends' husbands who appreciate femininity on their WIVES. We feel sick and sorry for ourselves, and endlessly embarrassed that neighbors might find out.
In other words, this bit of 'fun' becomes a mental and emotional hell and we understandably blame you. We blame you whether it's taken days or months or years to reach this point.
Menopause has NOTHING to do with it.
i appreciate your honesty and Hopefully we all can learn to communicate better because of it.Quote:
Originally Posted by DoorMat
I disagree that all we would do is be envious of a cute outfit, and hope that you will reconsider what you wear to make yourself feel pretty.
I really hope that you and your husband can find a place that works for you both because I really do feel your pain in this post.
Sorry, meant to stay lurking! :oQuote:
Originally Posted by Jenny Doolittle
I am not saying that you have done this but I often wonder if the CD starts off by dressing a little bit to get some sort of acceptance from their wife/so then when they get it mistakes it for full acceptance when there is a lot of ground to be covered in-between the two , as Doormat has stated the love for there partner will take them so far but that does not mean it will go all the way or as some CDs want it "all there way" a wife/so needs time to catch up with the expectations of the CD .
While I recognize the pain you're experiencing in your writing, and grant you that you are indeed entitled as to how you feel. The problem I see that you again are speaking for all wives in saying "we feel...". I can assure you this is not how my wife feels, or how the wives of many here feel who have attained and maintain a balanced and healthy relationship with their respective trans/crossdressing husbands. This is important to those who come into these threads after us and read blanket statements being made and take them as fact.Quote:
Originally Posted by DoorMat
At the end of the day, how you feel about an SO's gender expression is up to YOU. You are in control of that, its just the matter of whether or not you as a couple are going to do the work to repair things and meet on common ground, or you're going to choose to stay bitter and angry. As justified as those negative feelings are, they are destructive in terms of a relationship and one's own sense of inner peace. Perpetual venting on these boards is only going to release a small amount of the negativity. You're going to need a way to purge it, and that is achieved through productive, heartfelt communication with your SO.
This is not the first time I've had an open and honest discussion with an un-approving third-party wife. The story is usually quite the same. In the end, what I've touched on here is always the reality in terms of owning one's own negative feelings and purging them so you can move on to more productive dialog with your SO.
I wish you and yours all the luck in the world. :)
No, no, no!Quote:
Originally Posted by DoorMat
DM (Sorry, I cannot, in good conscience, use the name Door Mat), lurking, and the reasoning behind it - that your opinion is not as valid as someone else's - is not a good thing. Suffering in silence is still suffering, and that is not right. Your opinion of your husband and his behavior is just as valid - if not more so - than his opinion of his dressing. I have always tried to teach my children that what you do is fine, unless you are affecting someone else. Our dressing affects more than us, as I'm sure you know, and therefore it is him that needs to work with you to help you feel better. I know that you are at an impasse with your husband, and that is sad. Please try to work with him.
On to the OP's question; Your asking if the rug gets pulled out from you has been asked before. There is even a 'sticky' post about it (Now I like it, now I don't). Just as our feelings change from time to time about dressing, our spouses' feelings change as well. This is natural and normal. Think about it; do you have 'triggers' for your dressing? Then maybe your spouse has 'triggers' for her feelings as well. Maybe the sight of painted toes, groomed eyebrows, or other things we do reminds them that we are different or that you do not conform to that ideal male image she has or had of you. Couple that with natural insecurities, feelings that we want to replace the femininity in the marriage with our own, misperceptions that you do this because you wish they were more feminine, etc. and you have a volatile cocktail of emotions.
Sometimes, they are the brave wife, and choose to suffer in silence - their own version of DADT. They do and accept things that they do not want to to keep the peace, to make you happy, to be "the good wife." Sometimes, that can get wearying, and they get fed up. Are you noticing more suspicion from them? Ask yourself if you may have given them a reason to be suspicious - and remember, what may seem innocuous to us may be huge to them.
So, do our wives change their acceptance of us and our behaviors? Do their feelings change? Of course! To be otherwise would be unhealthy and abnormal.
Kathi
This may be off topic and I apologize to the moderators and OP. I found DM's post above to be interesting. It's curious that many wives & SOs, feel it okay to use the lying by ommission card, in regards to the discovery of their husband's CDing activities, and then become angry... yet turn around and engage in a form of lying themselves. In order to avoid conflict in the marriage, they accept the revelation & pretend the CDing doesn't bother them. Is that not a lie as well? I don't write this to play the blame game, but only to illustrate only how important it is that couples talk and listen to each other honestly and openly... from the beginning.Quote:
Originally Posted by DoorMat
Lying can come from both sides.... all in the name of love and pleasing a spouse. It's done because we don't want to lose each other and because either gender has it within them to take the gentler path. I do disagree with DM on that point, as I don't believe that selfless-ness is a unique female trait. It's a human trait, to love and support those we care about.
Again, my apologies for getting off topic of the "rug being pulled"; to which I would have to say there could be many reasons. No one answer fits all scenarios. While many have similar at home scenarios, many are different and the reasons for a spouse's disinterest may vary. There are no absolutes in matters such as these. Only through asking questions and open dialogue can people arrive at the truth. Just my two cents.
The information revealed in the posts of this thread are a good indication of why the presence of crossdressing activity should be revealed very early in the relationship!!Telling your wife or SO before you are married, or settled in a relationship, will eliminate virtually all the problems. Yes, it might eliminate the relationship, but better sooner than later!!
And if you really want to be a woman, you might give serious thought to whether having a wife or serious SO is necessary! A wife or SO wants a MAN! If she is like my late wife, she will accept you even if you dress enfemme. But if you hide that fact, you are lying to her! Woman do not like liars!! I never wanted to be a woman, and let my wife know it. We had almost 50 happy years together before cancer took her, and she totally supported my crossdressing activities!
Sorry to hear this Ginger. I am sure a lot of SO's start off with the intent to be supportive and such but find it hard to accept. Society and the controlled way we think are the biggest factor in this. They tell us what is right or wrong and because of it we often buy into it. Hopefully things will improve my friend, maybe it's time to have another long talk and get everything out in the open and find out what really is eating at her. Best of luck