Confidence in public

Everyone says to be confident in public, but how do you do that. The first time I went out I was with someone and that was all right the second time on my own I was not so I didn't stay out too long. I know the more I go out the more confident I will get, but I have to go out and that's where the problem lies how can I make myself more confidence (or look more confident ) I know everyone says keep your head up and look straightforward and act as you have the right to be there, but I've noticed in male mode I walk with my head looking down. So I have to remedy that problem as well, plus I just found out that I still have two days holiday owing to me so I want to go away for a few days as Lucy and take no male clothing with me.

Mostly, confidence comes from having done it before so you will be more confident each time you dress and go out.

Other than that, dress around your house as much as possible so you are comfortable in your wig, boobs, shoes, purse, etc. When you do go out, have a goal, that is someplace to go, something to do. Don't just wander around looking like you're lost. Your goal can be as simple as walking to the next block. Then walk to the one after that.

If I were going away, I think I would have a "boy bag" of clothing just in case of emergency.

My biggest problem is making eye contact- I do it too much and i get freaked out. When shopping, no problem with the SAs, they are always great. It's the other customers that have no special reason to be kind and polite that i worry about. But this area is pretty good about 'if you don't make a big deal of it, than i won't either', and when i manage to reduce that eye contact- either mentally or with the aid of anxiety manager- It's a lot of fun going out.

I agree with Linda- definitely have a 'bail out' bag, as well as an 'emergency' bag- extra stockings, basic makeup, razor, and mints. Every girl always has mints... :-)


kristi

I've been confident my whole life...... no matter what clothes I wear.... but its like anything else.... if you do something successfully then you become more confident..... its a learned trait.... keep doing it successfully and you build confidence.... do it unsuccessfully and you go backwards...

The more you go out the less you worry about little things that may happen.
As you go out more there are new things brought to mind that you practice on.
Voice, and deportment are less worrying after a few times out and you can concentrate on other things.
Because I have been through the ladies section shopping so many times it is almost second nature to me and when I am in drab I forget sometimes and feel the bras for padding. Yes oops! Must remember sometimes. I suppose it is confidence but as I said it becomes second nature after a while.

Maybe you can think of it as acting, if that helps. The best advice I can offer is to forget that you are dressed. You really can do this. Maybe it happens for only a few moments at a time, but THAT is the feeling of confidence.

I agree with Jennifer's idea. When I was first going out in public I approached each outing with the idea that I was playing the role of a woman and did my best to look and act as if I were on stage. The next thing that you learn is that very few people pay any special attention to you if you look and act as would be expected of a woman in the same circumstances. As with any "skill", practice helps.

Good luck, enjoy!

Great advice so far. I can only add to wear outfits that are comfortable and not over the top in being flashy, sexy or attention getters. Just fitting in until you are ready to stand out will get you there. Good luck.

It can start as an act and then work into it from there. You already know that you have to get your chin up and look ahead or around. Learn to have a light smile as you walk about. Paying attention to good posture helps you to no remember to worry so much. The more you do it, and the better you get at makeup and clothing, the more confident you really will feel. It takes time so don't expect it to change overnight. Just go out and enjoy yourself. The rest will come eventually.

You cannot expect to be confident in your appearance the first time out. Basically, you suck it up, do the best you can on your appearance and step out the door. Its not confidence - its resolve.

One thing I've been told and which I've observed for myself: people by and large don't even notice you. If they do, it may be a little glance your way and you don't even register with them. It's not like people are looking around all the time to see if there are any T-girls about.

Last Saturday night, e.g., I was out with three other people and we went into a restaurant that was absolutely packed. Nobody was paying any attention to anybody coming in the place. They were all focussed on their meals and conversation, etc. So I just walked through the middle of the place since we had to go all the way to the back. A couple of times I looked out the corner of my eye to see if anybody was looking at me as I went by. They weren't.

The next night I went into the ladies' in a pub. There were three or four young girls in there having a very loud conversation. I ignored them and as far as I could tell, they ignored me. I took care of my business, then brushed my hair for a minute in front of the mirror, and nobody said a thing to me. Despite the fact that I was so close to them and there wasn't exactly a crowd in there, they paid no attention to me.

People are always focussed on themselves, not on you. I'm new to the confidence game myself, but incidents like this help me relax.

Good luck! Annabelle

Girl up and go out the door you are the only one holding you back.
Put your fears aside and just have a plan or a place to go never never just wander around like you are out of place,
If you want you can go to a book store/coffee house and read a book or act like you are on your cell phone.
I go to Barne's and Noble book store a lot enfemme and bring a book and get some coffee.The people that work there don't judge you.
The coffee girl is really nice to me.She clocked me the first time I went there but treated me as another woman because I acted like one.

When out in public either en drabbe or en femme, I see all kinds of people and each one lives within their own world. Some are completely oblivious to everything going on around them, and some are taking in everything that is going on.
Lucy when you are out in public, can you recall exactly every single person that you noticed or noticed you or passed by or glanced at you or smiled at you or totally ignored you? I don't think so. 10 seconds later most of us have forgotten everything about that person and we move on.
Whenever someone makes eye contact with me I return the look and either continue on my way or smile back at that person if they have smiled at me. Several times I have started a conversation with a person given the right circumstances.

Many people are totally focused in their own world and and their own set of problems and the task at hand and it is always easy to read them, they simply do not want any attention whatsover, so we respect that 'message' and continue on.
I have used that approach and it works. I don't scan every person within my field of view on the lookout for someone that is studying me closely and pointing and yelling "hey everyone that's a guy!". It just doesn't happen that way.

Practice being relaxed, casual, pleasant, open your eyes wide, don't appear scared or continually frown or glare all the time, that sends the wrong message to others out there.
Maintain your girly posture and don't stumble around like so many guy's do.
Eventually you will forget that you are 'dressed' and thats when you have arrived at your confident self.

This may seem off topic for a minute but hang with me and it will make sense...maybe:heehee:

There is a company (maybe more but I know one company) who makes a cologne with "pheromones". Now in most people's minds if you have pheromones, you send out secret signals to the opposite sex (or if you put on the wrong one the same sex) and they cannot resist you. Nice idea and I wish it worked, I would not be writing this right now. In humans at this stage of evolution, pheromones are not that strong. In animals it is but really do you want to smell like stale urine? But here is one thing the pheromones may actually do. It gives YOU the feeling of being confident. When you feel confident you attract others to you (now this I know is true as Lori is like a magnet when I am out but when I am in male mode, I get ignored). Is it the cologne? Probably not even though many do compliment me on my choice (yes I use it, both the male and female because I like the smell). The point is that when you are confident you are noticed, when you are noticed people are friendly, when people are friendly you get smiles and give smiles, and when you smile you get confident. Get it?

Now let's look at the opposite. When you are furtive and scared, you get noticed also. But you get a different reaction. You get the look of suspicion. You get the people who give you wide berth. You get the whispers. This feeds itself and becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. People don't like you as much. You feel ostracized even if you aren't. You get paranoid. That makes you more furtive...get it?

So you really have two ways of being noticed. Good and bad. That is why we say be confident. Even if it is a mask, be confident. Understand that first you are a good person no matter how you dress. You have every right to be where you are. You are not a sinful or perverted person. You are...YOU. When you feel you are doing something wrong, you get people to think you are doing something wrong. Look at the kid who steals a cookie. No one saw him do it but he spends the next 30 minutes trying to make people (mom) believe he didn't but she knows...and it isn't the eyes in the back of her head. Now stealing a cookie is wrong, Don't get that bad, if you steal a cookie you are a bad person for life, we all know that. But you get the same look on your face and the same body language when you dress. "Gee I hope no one notices me". "Gee, what if I get caught?" "Gee, these pantyhose are tighter than I thought". But, as people have said here, if you at least pretend in the other direction you either are not seen at all OR you are seen as a positive.

When I walk into a venue, I own it. I make those heels click. I smile like a Cheshire cat. I say "Hi". It is hard for anyone to be negative toward you when you do that. Easy, right? Walk in clicking your heels, Walk in smiling, say "Hi! How are YOU!?!" Even if you don't mean it. Do you really think those SA's care if you have a good day when you leave, even after they said it? No. They don't even remember you 10 minutes later. But they say it to you and you think "Wow, they really care." Same with going out. Pick your venue but own it. If it is a bar, sit there and smile. You would be surprised how many people will smile back. Some may even buy you a drink.

In today's world it is easy to hide. You can sit somewhere and text (or pretend to text), you can work on your computer, you can watch the game on the TV (really who watches cheerleading???:brolleyes:). But if you talk to the person next to you "Wow did you see that pyramid????" they will talk to you and soon you won't have to watch cheerleading (sorry all you males out there who watch because the girls have short skirts, you aren't watching the competition...or maybe that is just me).

So, do you have pheromones? You know that secret scent that drives women (or men) wild? Sure you do, it is that smile.

Own it. At least pretend you own it, maybe you can sell it.

Have a great time on holiday as Lucy. Confidence is just attitude and comfort. Find placs where you are more comfortable and then be yourself. Some accepting places to go out are Gay bars (even if not gay) and the resturaunts around them. Honestly, I have done the mall, resturaunts and other stores with no problem. If you need a good destination, pretty much anything goes in Vegas

Thank you everyone I have enjoyed reading all the posts and everything you've all said makes perfect sense I think part of my problem in the past has been closing, is it right, my last outing was with another girl and she took a couple of pictures I notice later that my coat was wrong for that day a big cardigan or little jackets would have been much better as it wasn't that cold. So I suppose very short and sparkly skirt would be wrong for the day, now all I have to do is learn to relax smile and enjoy myself easier said than done. I intend to have my couple of days away but I will take another bag with some male clothing just in case my phone will be fully charged And I will have a plan for the day.

Great reply Lorileah

Lucy my confidence came from being read some of those first times I went out and nothing bad happening. So I notice a wife whispering to her husband something while she is looking in my direction then he turns and looks. Thats it! nothing said directly to me or no awkward moments to make he try to hid or run away. Getting smiles from some people and the total head to toe check out from others as they pass by.

Then as confidence grew being approached and givin compliments on my hair or the outfit I'm wearing or especially shoes....OMG women love to say how much they love those shoes your wearing.

I'll ask you to think about the last time you were at a mall and saw a guy with purple spiked hair torn and baggy clothing, covered in tats and huge holes in his ears filled with those spacer things, Did you say anything to him? Did you say what you were thinking? Did the image of him linger in your mind for more than 30 seconds before you noticed something or someone else to grab your attention? I doubt it.


Choose the places you go while building confidence where you have a definate reason to be there. Fill up the gas tank. Go in the convience store for a quick purchase where you don't even have to talk to anyone. Walk around the block and back to you car in a busy downtown area. It is actually easier to blend in a crowd than in a deserted area.


Most of all just face that the worst thing that will probabbly happen is someone will read you and you will not even know it. But if they do just keep walking right by them as if you are on a mission

My experience is to just do it! Thats what I did solo with really no plan and very minimal preparation. My first real outing other than the adult stores was a real slow casual walk from one end of the mall in a knee lenght skirt and a hoody...wig of course...and then back to the other end. I took my time, stopped, looked at a few things, continued on, walked with good posture (I think), smiled back if they did or they said hello, and most importantly I looked at the people as they came towards me. I did have on sunglasses though. I swear out of those 50 or so people not a single one "noticed" or eyed me, except a Latina soldier that looked a second or two longer than most. In reality I am sure I was read by some, but I too think the average person is too busy to notice or really does not care eventhough I was less than 2 ft away from some of them. The next time I went into the major clothing stores and looked at clothes like a woman would...again no one paid any attention to me. Third time I went to target, walmart, and then purchased something at Kmart....same again. Even the cashier acted as if I were just another customer...she should have because I was just another customer. In between I been out hours and hours walking city parks

PS You do have a right to be there!

Hi Lucy

Choose an outfit that is right for the occasion
In daytime I would choose pants with a nice top and jacket you can still look good and not look like your trying too hard.

This combined with building your confidence by setting little goals and increasing the difficulty each time.
For example it may be going to use the atm at the local shopping centre, then it maybe going inside next time.
You will get used to being out and about, but remember almost no one passes 100% of the time

Confidence comes with experience and it it has certain stages that you can pass through.

Every time you deal with a different situation you add to your confidence level. After a while you realize that you have every right to present as you wish. Then things really get fun!

Exactly! No torches and pitchforks after you! I tell girls that the quickest way to boost confidence on any outing is to make your first stop at a Walgreen's CVS,etc and pick up something you need. Your time in the store,the checkout line,dealing with the cashier WILL BRING YOU UP TO SPEED for the rest of your outing. Don't be shy!

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Originally Posted by kendra_gurl

Great reply Lorileah

Lucy my confidence came from being read some of those first times I went out and nothing bad happening. So I notice a wife whispering to her husband something while she is looking in my direction then he turns and looks. Thats it! nothing said directly to me or no awkward moments to make he try to hid or run away. Getting smiles from some people and the total head to toe check out from others as they pass by.

Then as confidence grew being approached and givin compliments on my hair or the outfit I'm wearing or especially shoes....OMG women love to say how much they love those shoes your wearing.

I'll ask you to think about the last time you were at a mall and saw a guy with purple spiked hair torn and baggy clothing, covered in tats and huge holes in his ears filled with those spacer things, Did you say anything to him? Did you say what you were thinking? Did the image of him linger in your mind for more than 30 seconds before you noticed something or someone else to grab your attention? I doubt it.


Choose the places you go while building confidence where you have a definate reason to be there. Fill up the gas tank. Go in the convience store for a quick purchase where you don't even have to talk to anyone. Walk around the block and back to you car in a busy downtown area. It is actually easier to blend in a crowd than in a deserted area.


Most of all just face that the worst thing that will probabbly happen is someone will read you and you will not even know it. But if they do just keep walking right by them as if you are on a mission

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Personally, I think going out by myself when I can't pass is pointless. Because dressing to blend sucks! However, I CAN give u this advice from being out dressed:

Wearing 4"+ heels changes your posture. Instead of looking down as I do when walking in drab, I'm head up and shoulders back in heels!

It's that first step out the door that terrifies one. But each time thereafter, it becomes more the norm until you don't think about it any longer. I go out regularly with one of the girls I met on this forum and it has now become a game as to who we are going to meet and what the conversation will be. There is intrigue and a few questions, but always a positive experience.

Even doing the teeny-tiniest thing can help! Just last night, after having taken my pictures, I was in the living room and spotted a small trash bag that my fiancee had tied up and left to be taken out to the dumpster. I said, "Would you like me to take this trash out?" and she responded "Sure." So I picked up the bag, opened the front door, stepped out, closed it after me, and walked right out to deposit it. As Amy.

It was late, so no one was really about, except for the odd passing motorist along the street a hundred feet or so away. I didn't rush, keeping my steps deliberate yet confident. It was exhilarating! The feel of the cool night breeze through my hair and clothes, the soft full moon overhead, the steady click-click-click of my boot heels against the asphalt. I dropped the bag in the dumpster, turned around, and walked back, feeling slightly giddy by the time I reached the front door again.

Tonight, my fiancee has had me come out into the living room with the blinds and patio door open, meaning anyone looking from outside could see me. It was a little scary at first, but also a little thrilling. And so what if they see me? I'm decently dressed; this maxi dress is perfectly opaque, has a conservative neckline, short sleeves, and the hem drops to nearly my ankles. Why should I have to hide in my own home?

No going out in crowds yet, but I'm no longer completely ruling out the possibility. :)

- Amy

Hi Lucy!

Not much I can add to this great advice(!!!) but I can attest that a lot of these women above are out and about and totally confident. Take their advice to heart but the more you go out, the more comfortable you get. Smile, look people in the eye, and as Lorileah said, own it! You have a right to be there! Talk to people. Some are genuinely curious and want to know about being gender variant. Sales associates want to make that sale but some can become friends. Thanks to my friend Melissa, I can stroll into Nordstroms and have at least a couple of SA's come up to say Hi, whether I'm buying anything or not. When you have a particularly good SA, ask for her card and then ask for her the next time you are there. Guess who will get advance notice of sales, specials, and the occasional freebie? You will!

Go out, go out again, gradually expand your comfort zone and then it will just be another thing.

Debby