Improving?

Hey everyone!

I feel sad when I see a bunch of posts on here about unaccepting wives, husbands needing to hide from the SO's. This is a relatively new thing to us. And I have my moments where I just wish everything was normal. (Mostly because we talk about CDing everyday.)

BUt how many people think that CDing or more so ASPECTS of CDing have actually improved your relationship?

I know that the amount of communication between us has increased. I know it sounds strange but I almost feel like my SO loves me more now that I know, or at least shows it more. He is happy and that makes me happy. I like going shopping and getting pedicures. And actually our sex life has even gotten better. A little bit stranger, but I am open minded to try new things.

Has anyone found that CDing hasn't effected your life as negatively as most people assume.

I wanna here some positive uplifting stories!

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Originally Posted by Greenie

Hey everyone!
..BUt how many people think that CDing or more so ASPECTS of CDing have actually improved your relationship?

I know that the amount of communication between us has increased. I know it sounds strange but I almost feel like my SO loves me more now that I know, or at least shows it more. He is happy and that makes me happy. I like going shopping and getting pedicures. And actually our sex life has even gotten better. ...

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Kae, I think you have realized the best that can be in a relationship with a cross dresser. Your comments mirror my own experience. I think it is the act of "bearing one's soul" that cements the connection. My relationship and life with my wife has improved since the day I told her. I wonder if it is the same with other "coming outs"?

I truly believe that my husband's CDing has improved our relationship. We are bonded in ways that vanilla couples don't get a chance to. We have endured some pretty hard conversations, I've gone through some pretty tough self discovery, and we have had to learn how to live together through it. It has taught me how to be a wife, and him how to be a husband. If it weren't for the hard times, we wouldn't be as strong as we are now.

And we have had to learn how to communicate. There's no way to have what we have without learning how to talk. A lot of couples never learn how to do that. I am so blessed.

Yes, our sex life may not be normal, but it has given us both permission to explore and be ourselves. We are very open people. I mean, how lucky are you that you have that line of communication with your SO to talk about the things that are important to you?

I know how you feel about wanting to hear the positive uplifting stories. Sometimes I feel like all I hear are the hardships. There is more than just the struggle. It can be amazing and awesome part of your life. Not all pretty peaches and roses, but even the rough spots are a chance to learn and grow. Be happy for the good parts, and never feel guilty for being ok with it.

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Originally Posted by Jenniferathome

Kae, I think you have realized the best that can be in a relationship with a cross dresser. Your comments mirror my own experience. I think it is the act of "bearing one's soul" that cements the connection. My relationship and life with my wife has improved since the day I told her. I wonder if it is the same with other "coming outs"?

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I would concur - there is a deeper level if trust in admitting this stuff to your spouse, and not without risk.
I was communicating with someone the other day who said in many ways his (supportive) wife wishes things were as they were, but supports nonetheless.
I do feel for those who's SOs cannot accept - can't imagine what that's like.

My wife and I have had to go through various periods of long distance relationship status throughout our 11 years together. She used to worry that I was going off and fooling around with all sorts of women behind her back (I never did). Since coming out to her, this latest stInt of being apart has not caused those feelings of paranoia. Partially because she no longer feels like I am hiding things from her, and partially because she knows that I value her acceptance far more than I value a one night stand. A new level of trust has been achieved!

This is a good topic! Since coming out to my wife of 20 years a month ago, things have been a bit rocky, but we remain committed to each other, our sex is still fantastic and despite a some messed up communication, on my part, we have been communicating very positively. It seems the key for us has that we had a pretty sound relationship to start with and I just plain love her and I know she loves me. Her big issue is that she doesn't want to see herself as a lesbian. We are working through that issue, but we both remain committed to each other. So yes, things are positive.

So yes, things are improving and I feel our relationship is deepening. (I forgot to add that part to my last post.)

After slow acceptance my relationship has improved out of sight.
I think it was mainly my wife's upbringing about sex being for procreation only and any other thoughts being unclean.
Religious beliefs don't always help either.

It has been 11 months since I came out to my wife of 35 years. She does not accept cross dressing and feels she must berate me for it about once every few weeks. I am a total loss to deal with it. The amazing thing is that my wife has a masters degree in family counseling!! My only opportunities for cross dressing are the hour after she goes to bed. Yes, it is sad that she cannot accept me for who I am. I wish that there was an answer or a way to reach a compromise.

Snow ,, I don't think its so much the CDing as it is something different ,, If you just woke up an did anything you normaly don't do she would be tripping after 35 years ,, If you said you are going to start surfing or ski diving or hunting or anything you NEVER done before she would freak ,,lol,,, That all comes with being marries for that long ,, She would think something is up ?
I know cuz I have been marries for a long time to ,, But I think its just our generation that has to put up with this ?

So many TV shows an Documentrys now that it is getting so main stream we feel we can be ourselves finally . I guess its a sign of the times ,, If we push forward the young ones won't go threw all of it ,, But people will just find something else to ridicule each other about ,, Education is the Key ,, Sometimes you can't teach an Old Dog New tricks ,,lol,,,

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Originally Posted by DawnD

I know how you feel about wanting to hear the positive uplifting stories. Sometimes I feel like all I hear are the hardships. There is more than just the struggle. It can be amazing and awesome part of your life. Not all pretty peaches and roses, but even the rough spots are a chance to learn and grow. Be happy for the good parts, and never feel guilty for being ok with it.

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This is awesome dawn. :)

@Jennifer: I really think that even if it takes a while to be honest it can strengthen a connectiong. Since you didn't tell your wife before you married do you think telling her initially made her not trust you, but then the honesty from then on increased your connection anyway?

@maybe: that's great to hear!

@ Snow: I am sorry. :(

I used to downplay the whole "CD'ing" aspect of everything. Thinking like...whats the big deal? Why focus on "it". 'Cause it's simply a cause-and-effect epi-phenomenom. I mean..comes with the territory. The latter being, how you are a girl, not a man. And so...you ACT behave think & feel as the girl you simply Are. Therefore...why? So much focus & attention on how you dress? Like it's the be-all end to everything.

That being said, as I go on in time...keep coming back to this site. This...community. Reading & reading everyone & everything...now reconsidering & altering my previous judgements & assumptions. IOW just gotta say...yeah. Ok. I get it. And it's probly the case where...the 'ACT' of something is a bridge back to 'reality'. There is something intrinsically significant and maybe meaningful to the 'act'. An act that is afterall inherent to the fact of your inner girly existence. So that by "CD'ing" maybe you create something that resonates, from outside-to-in, then out again. The net effect is - how it brings you out from your hiding place.

(if that makes sense? like omg....hope not. 'cause then you're as convoluted as me! hmmm....weird huh?)

Well, I don't know, but I strongly feel that coming out to my SO played a very strong part in her deciding I was partner material. She had said prior to that, that she wasn't sure she wanted to get back into a serious relationship. we were developing our friendship, and when it got the point that I sensed it might take off, I just told her that if it was going to work, total honesty was important, then I just blurted it out. her acceptance was extremely matter of fact, and we just continued the conversation, with the added subject of underwear choices. The trust I showed was important I think.

Since then, it is typical for me to change into a skirt when I get to her place. When this became commonplace, ( about the second time ) I began to think that maybe, I'm not a crossdresser. I have never dressed fully, and don't have a whole lot of interest in doing so. I do have an interest in wearing a skirt or kilt in public, and hopefully to work.

We have discussed this a bit, and while she doesn't have a problem with me dressing, ( to whatever level I want ) she doesn't necessarily *like* it, but it does give her a sense of freedom to pursue her ideas about feminism and equality. It has also led me to think deeply on what being a man, and my masculinity, means to me. I have come to realize that some of the things I thought I felt, were in fact attitudes impressed on me by social roles as are expected by the general public. And a lot of them are quite damaging. I believe that we, as a society, would be better off if we can get rid of a lot the macho BS that men are expected to project.

My wife says I'm a lot easier to get along with now that I don't feel a need to wear the man mask all the time. With her I can be as "feminine" or "masculine" as is my nature. I wouldn't say that she prefers me CDing but she has fun with it. It's rarely an "issue." Our sex life has gone from very strange to bizarre the only problem being that her sex drive is twice mine but she does at least keep it interesting.

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Originally Posted by Greenie

@Jennifer: I really think that even if it takes a while to be honest it can strengthen a connectiong. Since you didn't tell your wife before you married do you think telling her initially made her not trust you, but then the honesty from then on increased your connection anyway?

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In my case, Kae, my wife only appreciated that I told her. No complaints "lying." She fully understood why I would keep this secret. And, after 20+ years of marriage, we are still in love and she knows I love only her. Her response, when I told her, was, "Is that all? " She sensed some unease in me but would never have jumped over to the cross dresser idea. I'm very lucky but I also think the honesty has embellished our relationship.

Acknowledging my TG nature took me some time and it took my wife (then GF) some time to adjust. But as life has gone on, now more a decade later, our relationship is based on honesty, trust and consideration...at least in part related to sharing this thing. It's hard to say that it's cause and effect. It may be that we were each open, honest and understanding people, so it was easier for us to work things out than it is for some other people.

So far, so good. After our remarkable progress about a month ago, I realized just how special she was for being so tolerant. It was a bit of "shock and awe" as Jennifer likes to refer to it, but she was a champ. It was then I also gave some deep thought to how selfish I was being. As you say, it was all we talked about (or I did) for many nights during our alone time. This coincided with me feeling "satisfied" with the waist down illusion I had been able to achieve so far, and with the partial fulfillment of a particular desire I had to see our legs look the same. I know this is the maximum extent of mimicry of my wife I will be able to realize for quite some time, until I invest a great deal more effort into weight loss, makeup, wigs, etc. and frankly speaking, I was reaching a level of exhaustion with it all. While still exciting (and don't get me wrong...when my wife dresses up or I see a businesswoman in a skirt suit, hose and heels...believe me I get the urge) I needed to take a break. So for the past few weeks I have been doing manly home improvement projects and being a "normal" husband.

This is convenient because I will want to take my kids to the local pool this summer and am not prepared to answer questions about shaved legs, so I have 2 1/2 weeks of growth so far and should be furry enough by Labor Day to "pass".

We still talk about it, but I have told her the truth--I have shelved this until next fall, and I must admit it feels good being a "normal" around her again. Maybe I will have a mid-Summer relapse, but I doubt it. And I can imagine how nice it will be to get girly again in Oct-Nov, and maybe ratchet it up a level.

I do love my wife more than ever. This has brought us so much closer...we have spoken more in the last 6 months than the last 6 years. The sex life has improved exponentially.

I think she's OK with it all, especially since we are now in a more routine time. She has fun showing me catalogs with dresses, skirts and heels and asking me if I like them...to which I respond ingenuously, "yes, that would look great", and of course she replies with, "on you or on me". I love this teasing and hope it continues--to me this level of comfort from her means she is wrapping her mind around it all in a healthy way.

All I know is that I never want to hurt her, and while I love wearing women's clothes, everything has a time and a place.

Good luck with your SO.

Shibumi