Feeling kind of of down and confused..... (the shame thread)

The wife and I are in therapy, two separate therapist. One for her one for me. She is a therapist herself. So I have three therapist in play here. She is trying to accept my crappy disclosure and is doing a champion's job. We've had lots of meaningful conversations. And yet I feel like I am a dirty bad person for what "I" am and perhaps I should feel crappy. I can't change who I am although I wish I never told her about my "problem". So I'm left with the shame of what I am. I wish I wasn't that way and I wish I was different but this is the lot I was born with.

How have you dealt with shame? I've been dealing with it my whole life and I'm utterly and completely exhausted and done with shame about what I am with what I am.

I understand where she is coming from and yet I feel like crap. I thought I could make my CDing go away and it didn't. So in a sense I lied to her about myself. "Shame" on me. Something which I've done since I was 13 has brought me polar opposites, deep shame and unadulterated deep exhilaration and wholeness. I'm just flat tired of people's reactions and my own shame.

Sorry for venting and again sorry for a "down" topic on a site which I've found quite a positive experience. It has been one of those days.

I don't suffer from shame, Ossian. But, I do have my share of guilt.

I can tell u that time and the wonderful members of this site can help A LOT!

I don't think you lied to your wife.. I am not sure of what type of a dresser you are but speaking from the reasons why I dress ,I too feel like I can quit and sincerely mean it.. That is not lying it's failing a majority of people who dress do it to be themselves( I'm not one of them are you is that why you feel shame?) .. It's really not your fault for being who you are when I was with my Ex I felt shame and still did until I came to understand myself and the reasons why I dressed ..

It's great that you are seeking professional help so be honest with them and yourself and maybe your shame will slowly go away .. Find out what type of dresser you are so you know what type of help to seek don't settle for "Just a Therapist" many have no clue ..If G.I.D. is your cause in dressing find a "Gender Specialist"..If it's a Fetish driven addiction find a" habitual specialist" for behavioral treatment..

Best of luck ..

You should feel no shame.
Get out of your depressive state, and you do need your wife's support.

A gender therapist is what you need not some run of the mill therapist.
You need to find out why and then learn to accept it as part of you.From that point on maybe the guilt will vanish and you may not feel the need to dress.

I let the guilt follow me for so many years always believing I was doing something wrong, I was weird, strange, different. Well, I am different and that's all. It took many years for me to realize and accept that this is part of who I am. It's not something I chose, it was always there. It's not something perverted, it's just that I am not like everyone else.
We don't wake up one morning and decide "from now on I'm going to be a crossdresser". We just are.
Maybe it's genetic, maybe a hormone imbalance in the womb, no one knows. I just know that I'm much happier since I accepted that this is natural for me.

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Originally Posted by Cheryl T

I let the guilt follow me for so many years always believing I was doing something wrong, I was weird, strange, different. Well, I am different and that's all. It took many years for me to realize and accept that this is part of who I am. It's not something I chose, it was always there. It's not something perverted, it's just that I am not like everyone else.
We don't wake up one morning and decide "from now on I'm going to be a crossdresser". We just are.
Maybe it's genetic, maybe a hormone imbalance in the womb, no one knows. I just know that I'm much happier since I accepted that this is natural for me.

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This, is exactly how I feel...thank you soooooo much Cheryl...this was perfect! Ossian...one day, you will feel completely different...just hang in there...I'm sorry things aren't going well....we are here for you...

Hi Ossian,

Seeing your life through the lens of shame is like trying to see the road through a dirty windshield. Things won't be seen clearly or safely. You don't need to feel shame for being how you are. Shame is a beast that devours. Even though you and your wife have a lot to work out and come to terms with, the first thing you have to do is get to a place where you are not down on yourself. You are just different, like we all are. There is no shame in being different.

Don't let shame sabotage your outlook of yourself and the outcome of things with your wife. Admit imperfection in how you may have handled things with her, that is fine and proper. Just don't buy in and feed the notion that you are less than a real and valid human being simply for how you choose to express yourself.

It was a long road for me too, but looking back, I know letting shame go was the best first step for me to get a handle on things and come to love myself. You deserve no less.

Cheers,

Kalista

Hello Ossian,
there is just over 7 billion people in the world and you only personally know a very very small percentage of that number and because you feel like you are the only one that dress's or feels like you do you should feel ashamed of it but when you start to look at how many people there are on theses type of sites and all the countries that they come from (world wide not just America) you then start to realise that there most be a lot more than most people think and most are in the closet with it so it is always possible that someone you know is just like you , I can understand that you feel different to the majority and I expect a lot of us do but there really is no need to feel shameful just because you are different , if you look at it the other way around they are different to us and if anything they should be shameful for not accepting us for how we are although I think a lot are being to so maybe they have accepted their shameful ways and have changed it , now it is time for you to change yours and stop feeling shameful for who you are .

Hello Ossian. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. Wow, I feel so similar to what you have described. I too struggle with shame. I just inherently feel it, in almost every aspect of my day, so It's no surprise that I also feel it around my crossdressing. I'm told from my therapist, that I have "carried shame", from the generations before me. This is an interesting notion, and I am learning more about it. I know that feeling of being utterly and completely exhausted and done with shame. I wish I could wake up one day, and love and accept myself, and I wish I could give you a hug and make all your shame go away.

Good luck on your journey. Trust that you are a good person, and always remember to be kind and gentle with yourself.

Regards,
Stacy

i can relate to the feeling of shame over dressing or maybe embarassment more than anything... i guess its just a "boys shouldnt be like that" thought and a feeling like i am less of a person because i desire to be feminine... i can relate a little to the feeling of guilt too as i havent told anyone but my therapist and it feels like i am "hiding" something from my family whom i am otherwise very close to... i think the significant thing is that you have now opened up this part of you to your wife now and the present is the most important place to focus and sounds like there is a good amount of work to be done there. Also, i would try to get away from using terms like "crappy disclosure" and "problem" as thats just going to feed into your negative thoughts--even if you can't make it a positive try to find some neutral area and at least think of it as just a disclosure or a challenging disclosure and dressing and gender issues are components of who you are but they don't have to be problems or faults its just a component of your overall person and doesn't mean you still aren't the person your wife fell in love with--after all we are all more than just crossdressers or anything else... i hope you start feeling better and get the support you need from your wife, but i think her acceptance will be more likely if you are able to cut yourself a little slack and try to jusge yourself a little less--you are who you are and there is nothing wrong with that =)

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Originally Posted by ossian

Something which I've done since I was 13 has brought me polar opposites, deep shame and unadulterated deep exhilaration and wholeness. I'm just flat tired of people's reactions and my own shame.

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Hello Ossian

We're a different breed of Men. Does someone who is gifted in something that society just adores feels shame? Of course not, most times it just swells their head an makes them worse than what they were. I feel that this gift that we have allows us to become a greater person because it's NOT something that society adores, instead, it is ridiculed, laughed at, misunderstood, and seen as downright nonsense. This is when something I believe has value, when everyone else sees it as worthless.

An eagle would be ridiculed and feel worthless amongst sparrows.

I hope you feel better very soon, I think the shame and guilt we feel is predominately due to this huge secret we keep to ourselves. Most of us find it very hard to share this part of ourselves with our friends and families. In my opinion communicating in forums like this and with therapists help us a lot but I don’t think it is enough. Unfortunately I don’t have the answer yet since I am still dealing with similar issues and trying to figure myself out. My biggest issue is that I feel like I am not being honest to the people that I care about (friends and family) because I keep my cross dressing to myself and that is really troubling me lately. I feel like living a lie and two different lives, yet the idea of letting people know this huge part of my life scares the hell out of me. Good luck with your journey. I sincerely hope that you can find a way to let your shame go, and please do share how you did it when you achieve that.

No need to feel ashamed of being yourself Hon. Being in touch with our feelings makes us stronger than most. We learn to make them all work in concert. The fact that we know how to both "man up" and "woman up" is quite an accomplishment to say the least. We can be both the shining knight and the damsel. Works for me.:battingeyelashes::)

Hello Ossian,

I understand feeling the exhaustion from constant shame. it becomes mentally debilitating. I am sorry you are experiencing this.

On a personal level I am finding relief and perhaps even a sense of contentment from allowing my vulnerabilities to expose themselves. That is to say, I am trying to live a life true to myself while accepting I am different from others and from this there should come no shame. Having said that, I must also strive to understand that others are different from me, and in fairness, I must also accept their biases toward me. So, I will live my life as openly as is practical and deal with the consequences of my actions without malice, ill-will, or self-loathing.

The true issue for all of us is, how much vulnerability are we willing to expose.

I really hope you find some peace.

Carlene......:daydreaming:

It is absolutely normal to feel a bit ashamed and keep it secret in your younger years--we all felt that way. Society disapproves--or at least--does not understand.
Same reason gay people keep it secret at first. You must come out to yourself first--and then accept yourself.

If a woman had a secret she was ashamed of and society disapproved. Would she hide it--of course. Easily.

Hi Ossian, I hope that you both learn to gradually accept things and like myself it actually has brought my GF and I closer. You aren't physically harming anyone or yourself.Being gentle and feminine are often nicer qualities than being rough and insensitive.

I wish you both the very best Hugs Victoria p xo

There's no point to feeling ashamed of who you are, and the only value in feeling guilty about something you've done is to spur you to apologize and resolve to do better in future. Anything else is just a self-involved spiral of recrimination. If your therapist can help you learn to accept yourself and treat your wife with respect and dignity, that's great! If, on the other hand, they're focused on trying to determine why you cross-dress or how you can "fix" it? Then do not walk, but run to find someone else who understands gender identity.

Shame and guilt are natural for those of us who are driven to lifestyles that aren't generally accepted by our society. No need to feel bad about either, but realize that they can be set aside with a little work, sometimes with help from a therapist.

I defeated my shame and guilt by realizing and absorbing a few key things:
- The need to crossdress is a part of the package that is me, bringing with it many desirable characteristics
- Crossdressing hurts no one except those too closed-minded to accept its harmlessness
- There's no sense in feeling shame and guilt for things that can't be changed, including crossdressing and anything in my past
- Shame and guilt bring nothing positive, but act only to diminish my self-image and harm my relationships with others (especially those closest to me)

I'm sure your therapist has had similar things to say, and more. You're really okay, and only by accepting that can you move forward.

I wish you well as you move forward with all of this.

Miriam