An open letter to "A"...Thanks for outing me :(

There's been a thread (or two, or three, likely more) that talks about what to do when one encounters a member of our tribe in public. Well this evening I was "encountered" and here's my letter to "A".

Dear "A",

Thank you for outing me tonight. No, really. It meant a lot to me that while minding my own business and browsing in Victoria's Secret, you saw me for what I was...a tranny.

Sure, your introduction was kind of odd.

A - Hi, I'm "A", what's your name?

Sara - Ummmm, Sara.

A - Nice to meet you.

("A" walks away.)

(It'd have been kind of creepy if I didn't seen the innocence in a rather young-ish "A" showing through.)

Only to return less than a minute later.

A - You know, there's a transgender support group that meets at the LGBT center on Wednesdays.

Sara - Thanks but I'm not really into the support group thing.

A - Oh I see, you're self-supporting.

Sara - No, I've been at this for quite a long time, I'm not looking for a group, but thanks anyway.

It pretty much ended there.

So what did we learn from this little exchange?

1. It's rarely a good idea to approach the trans in when she's minding her own business.

2. When in doubt, see #1.

Seriously, this is the first time something like this has happened to me. Of course I've been read before and in fact, I expect this everywhere I go (makes life a lot easier). But really, I didn't need you to get in my face and say "you're a tranny and I can see it, and I bet everyone else can as well"). If I were having a bad day for whatever reason, or if my self-confidence was fragile in any way, such an exchange could have been really gotten me down. Instead, it rolled right off like water off of a duck's back but still, I thought it was important enough to share. What if it was a newbie that you encountered? It could have sent her back to the closet.

Me? I think I'll go out again tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Sara

Thank u, Sara. For answering the question a number of posters here have asked.

"What should they do upon seeing what they think is another trans when out?"

I like your answer. "Mind your own business!"

"Mind your own business" is the perfect solution.

I agree, and have always practiced the "mind your own business approach".. Having said that, I don't necessarily pick up any ill intention in what was said. Was it inappropriate? Sure. But it's quite possible that "A" was just trying to help. For as many folks out there like yourself that know where they are and what's going on, there's just as many who are lost and don't know what to make of their situation. That same advice that offended you could have been extremely useful to someone in the latter situation.

Still, totally get where you're coming from. I would have just minded my own business

Don't get me wrong, this was a totally harmless inquiry.

And I wasn't nearly as offended as I made this out to be. I was more tripped out than anything else. I've exaggerated my reaction a bit in making a point to answer one of those questions that keeps coming up.

For everyone who would welcome such interaction for whatever reason, there's probably 10 others who would not.

What if I were a year into transition, trying to live my life every day with the fewest possible amount of reminders that I'm anything but a woman?

This reminds me of the Seinfeld (or Friends) episode where he walks up to a plump woman and asks when she is due to deliver.
Only to find out she is not pregnant, only plump.......
Lots of people can't keep their feet out of their mouths, and lots of good intentions go bad.
If in doubt, don't do it!

I do go shopping quite a lot in drab, I'm confident enough that walking into a shop doesn't phase me. Confident enough to walk up to a mirror and hold up clothing against my body to see how it looks. Confident enough to try on shoes, etc etc. And I've never encountered any problems. I've often been approached by sales staff asking if I need any help, or if I would like to try anything on. I do believe that because I am confident, then other people can see/sense this, and because I act as though it's the most normal thing in the world, they tend to react accordingly. That it's simply not a big deal. I believe that being confident, acting naturally, makes me more approachable to sales staff/shop owners. And maybe this is the reason why "A" felt comfortable enough to approach you, because you gave off a vibe of someone who was confident - you give off a vibe of someone who was APPROACHABLE. And that is a good thing. No, that is a great thing. In my opinion.

Which means that if we can give off positive vibes, have an air of confidence and belonging, and other people can pick up on this, then wouldn't it be also true that we give off bad vibes. If you were in a bad mood for example, then others may pick up on such a vibe and thus not regard you as being approachable, and as a result, not approach you. Or for example a newbie who felt incredibly self-conscious/nervous, others may pick up on this and leave such a person alone. Which brings me to my point - re your comment "it's rarely a good idea to approach a trans when she's minding her own business". That could be said of anyone. And most of the time people do "mind their own business" and not approach others. But my own opinion, as a trans person, I do not mind at all any person, be it a stranger, a shop assistant, whoever, approaching me. Whether I'm in drab or not. As long as their intentions are good, then, well, their intentions are good and that's a good thing. I welcome that personally. Unless I'm in a bad mood of course!!! But then they're not as likely to approach... ah, you get the idea :))))

It appears A was totally tactless.
It is an unfortunate set of circumstances.

I totally agree with ShannonIL, She should have minded her own business, but at least she didn't just stand there and stare at you, or whisper to someone else and make fun. Maybe she just thought that she was being helpful :)

Kind of like the helper at a drug store when you are picking up meds if they yell out what you are getting for others to hear--Tactless!:)

“A” meant well. “A” was just a bit stupid like most of us at sometime in our lives.

Just curious, what was "A" presenting as at the time of the encounter?

Sara A was completely rude . Saying hello is one thing but talking about support groups and other private things to strangers is a no no.

I with Jenni on this, the way Sara was approached was not rude, hateful or ment to make fun or embarass. I see it as A could pickup on a CD where most may not, his suggestions for a support group were positive and ment to be helpful. Hasn't it occured to our members that if he knew so much about the support group for CDs and he was shopping in Victoria Secret then he or someone in his life is a CD. I would have welcomed the encounter, glad he came over and tried to continue the dialog at the right time and possibily turn it into a friendship. Don't we hear a lot on here about never meeting another CD. I also would have asked him if he had found anything in the store he liked, his answer could possibily reveal a lot about his self.

I believe she thought she was helping, but she was rather rude. Sorry that you were read like that.

Hi Sara, A couple times I have seen what I'm sure was a Crossdresser but I know how I would feel and left them alone.

Sounds like a newbie. Kind of like some religious people who just got "saved" and super excited and end up going overboard for a few months.

i've seen some us shopping en femme (i'm almost always en drab), and want to say hello, but don't want to draw any undue attention to either of us, if eye contact is made, a simple smile and nod will do, otherwise, just let it go like one would any other shopper.

It's hard to understand, and the first time you meet someone you feel you have some connection with regarding gender assimilation, you want to acknowledge it somehow. Unfortunately, in the store, it's probably not the place to do it. Remember- you are always an ambassador, much as i don't particularly like the term...

Kristi (in the tommy hilfiger section at macy's, last time I saw someone else shopping)

You know, as much as I've been out (which is several times a week) I've never encountered "one of the tribe" or "flock" or "pack" or "herd". Well, except at gay-bars where they are usually very flamboyant. I would like to think that I wouldn't approach a CD minding her own business. But, at the same time we are all curious and want to communicate with each other. I mean, that's why we're on this site everyday.

Shortly after coming to this site I posted one of those threads. The first response I got was quite insulting. Only an ignorant redneck would think this is ok or some such noise bathe rest of the replays were much kinder but all pointed out their reasons for not wanting to be approached.

The more I learn about myself and you ladies the more I understand. Obviously A didn't mean harm. I suspect she was operating from a desire to help as well as the desire for social interaction. The story implies, to me at least, she was uncomfortable and had to work up her courage to come talk with you. I'm glad her faux pas didn't cause you great discomfort. I'm also glad you were able to remain civil with her.

In my entire life I have only noticed maybe half a dozen people put in public. I know I never did malicious harm, I sure hope I never caused unintentional harm or made anybody uncomfortable. It's a shame the world is as it is.

Hug
Rita

Sara, well handled, and well told! Sara said "A" was young, my guess is she had recently found that support group, and was trying to spread the word that there was a place for people like us, Later she will learn, just because it looks like a man in a dress, that doesn't make us all out here looking for the same thing.
It sounds like the enthusiasm Of a new convert, now if those support groups would just start telling them outside the door, it should be just like AA, totally anonymous
and don't assault people on the street and in the shops.

Nice to wake up to so many constructive comments...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jana

Just curious, what was "A" presenting as at the time of the encounter?

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He was presenting as a guy. And there was no self-disclosure on his part so I couldn't say whether he is "T" or not.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jenni_xx

I do go shopping quite a lot in drab, I'm confident enough that walking into a shop doesn't phase me. Confident enough to walk up to a mirror and hold up clothing against my body to see how it looks. Confident enough to try on shoes, etc etc. And I've never encountered any problems. I've often been approached by sales staff asking if I need any help, or if I would like to try anything on. I do believe that because I am confident, then other people can see/sense this, and because I act as though it's the most normal thing in the world, they tend to react accordingly. That it's simply not a big deal. I believe that being confident, acting naturally, makes me more approachable to sales staff/shop owners. And maybe this is the reason why "A" felt comfortable enough to approach you, because you gave off a vibe of someone who was confident - you give off a vibe of someone who was APPROACHABLE. And that is a good thing. No, that is a great thing. In my opinion.

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I think you're on to something and in all fairness, maybe I'm being a bit harsh to "A". It's almost as if my confidence invited such interaction. Does that make it right? Not really. But I can empathize where "A" was likely coming from.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jenni_xx

Which means that if we can give off positive vibes, have an air of confidence and belonging, and other people can pick up on this, then wouldn't it be also true that we give off bad vibes. If you were in a bad mood for example, then others may pick up on such a vibe and thus not regard you as being approachable, and as a result, not approach you. Or for example a newbie who felt incredibly self-conscious/nervous, others may pick up on this and leave such a person alone. Which brings me to my point - re your comment "it's rarely a good idea to approach a trans when she's minding her own business". That could be said of anyone. And most of the time people do "mind their own business" and not approach others. But my own opinion, as a trans person, I do not mind at all any person, be it a stranger, a shop assistant, whoever, approaching me. Whether I'm in drab or not. As long as their intentions are good, then, well, their intentions are good and that's a good thing. I welcome that personally. Unless I'm in a bad mood of course!!! But then they're not as likely to approach... ah, you get the idea :))))

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It's kind of a double standard. I'm put off by the "T" interacting with me but if a natal female comes up to me and starts to make small talk while I'm shopping, I feel totally different. Like I'm accepted in her tribe regardless if she sees me as "T" or not ("or not" being highly unlikely).

Quote:

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Originally Posted by suzy1

“A” meant well. “A” was just a bit stupid like most of us at sometime in our lives.

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I agree Suzy, no question "A" meant well. Stupid though might be a bit harsh. Uneducated on the niceties of tripping over us in public might be better. ;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by deebra

I with Jenni on this, the way Sara was approached was not rude, hateful or ment to make fun or embarass. I see it as A could pickup on a CD where most may not, his suggestions for a support group were positive and ment to be helpful. Hasn't it occured to our members that if he knew so much about the support group for CDs and he was shopping in Victoria Secret then he or someone in his life is a CD. I would have welcomed the encounter, glad he came over and tried to continue the dialog at the right time and possibily turn it into a friendship. Don't we hear a lot on here about never meeting another CD. I also would have asked him if he had found anything in the store he liked, his answer could possibily reveal a lot about his self.

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If "A" is trans, or perhaps is just a fan (who knows?), he likely would read us more readily than your average Muggle by way of his own experience.

As far as turning the interaction into more of a conversation, there are a couple reasons why this didn't figure into the situation...

• The first time "A" approached me I thought to myself "OK, this is a first, being hit on at VS".
• After the second interaction, he split so fast that I couldn't have got a word in edgewise even if I wanted to. I truly think he was embarrassed.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Princess Grandpa

Shortly after coming to this site I posted one of those threads. The first response I got was quite insulting. Only an ignorant redneck would think this is ok or some such noise bathe rest of the replays were much kinder but all pointed out their reasons for not wanting to be approached.

The more I learn about myself and you ladies the more I understand. Obviously A didn't mean harm. I suspect she was operating from a desire to help as well as the desire for social interaction. The story implies, to me at least, she was uncomfortable and had to work up her courage to come talk with you. I'm glad her faux pas didn't cause you great discomfort. I'm also glad you were able to remain civil with her.

In my entire life I have only noticed maybe half a dozen people put in public. I know I never did malicious harm, I sure hope I never caused unintentional harm or made anybody uncomfortable. It's a shame the world is as it is.

Hug
Rita

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There's no rulebook with this whole thing Rita, only what we can share based on our own personal experiences and preferences.

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Like I mentioned above, sleeping on it has led me to lighten up a bit more over the whole thing. Still, it was one of those real-world examples that I'm glad to have been able to share.

"A", if in the odd chance you are reading this, please feel free to send me a PM. If I came across as dismissive, I apologize (but you really didn't give me a chance to say "anything but the facts, ma'am").

First of all, I've only once in my life seen what I was pretty certain was a crossdresser or transexual out in public. I got a quick look at a possible crossdresser in a shop once but didn't get a clear view and wasn't about to follow her around to be certain.

That said, I would never walk up to someone and ask (or assume) that she was a crossdresser and I would be pretty upset and flustered if someone did that to me.

If you're not in the habit of walking up to strange women and starting a conversation, why would you do that to a suspected crossdresser? And what if she's not a crossdresser, just a natural female who may have some less than feminine characteristics. Wouldn't that be pretty embarassing?

For what it's worth, I don't see that you have been so hard on A.

Hug
Rita

Quote:

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Originally Posted by linda allen

And what if she's not a crossdresser, just a natural female who may have some less than feminine characteristics. Wouldn't that be pretty embarassing?

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There are a lot of women who's features may look more masculine than feminine.

Hug
Rita

This always seems to be a tough call. From the information presented it seems clear that A was acting in good faith. Sure, it's easy to just walk away from an opportunity, but he saw the upside as seeing a TG isolated from the TG world whom he could easily offer a life-altering piece of information. Don't forget, this would be nearly all of us just a few short years ago before the internet took off. The flip side is a confidence-shattering clocking or (and this has to be way odds-against) trying to offer information to somebody who is completely and utterly assimilated.

Not sure how I'd react on either side of the fence, never really been put to the test. Closest would be half way through a makeover at a MAC counter, so still readily readable. A pleasant young man walked up and said "Hi, I'm Tina, you're going to look great!" I admit, I was tickled...Hugs, Michelle