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I told my wife recently about my cross dressing and she is starting to accept it. Today she said she thinks I might be bi sexual since I wanted to dress like a woman. I tried to explain that at its core my desire to look like a woman wasn't really a sexual thing, it just made me feel good. Have any of you experienced this with your significant other and what advice can you give.
Often people confuse sexuality and gender expression as being connected when in reality they are two different things. The assumption that anyone that dresses feminine must want a man disregards obvious identities such as lesbian women and further reinforces untrue stereotypes. People are complex, and because of that identities and reasons can be complex. Clothing, nor gender picks your sexual orientation, what you are attracted to does!
Rick, sexual orientation isn't the same thing as gender identity; it's best to think of them as being on two different axes. I identify as being partly-male, partly-female in my gender identity, but I'm only attracted to women (although this doesn't really manifest when I present as female). This is actually a common misconception, that crossdressers must be gay or bi; the truth is that homosexuality occurs among crossdressers in about the same proportion that it does among the population as a whole, meaning the majority are in fact heterosexual.
- Amy
Rick - it is a normal concern. This is a opportunity to grow closer together. You can offer assurances of love and faithfulness and honesty - and become closer.
Yea my wife went down that road too at first. I just reassured her I'm fully hetero and just like the look and feel of female attire.
When I told my partner about my crossdressing one of her first questions was "are you gay" It took me some time to reassure her that I had no inclination to go down that route. I think it is probably the first question all people ask or assume when you tell them.
Yes, Ann, the first of the FAQs is probably "Are you gay?" The second is, "Do you want to become a woman?"
- Amy
All you can do is just keep explaining and don't get caught holding a man's hand. :)
She will accept it albeit slowly.
My husband seemed straight for the first twenty years I knew him, but since he has been coming out as a CDer he has also been coming out as someone who likes to receive during intercourse, and as someone with an interest in sex with guys. We still have plenty of hetero sex, so I don't think he's gay, but I do think he's bisexual.
Also note that when this topic comes up on this board, many CDers say that they think about sex with guys when they are dressed as a woman. The ones who are married say they would never act on that, but it seems as if they do have bisexual thoughts.
Your wife's assumption/fear is perfectly normal. If you are objective about it, it makes sense; from her perspective. So what to do? Talk about it. Open the discussion. You may have answered this question a hundred times. Answer it another hundred or thousand, if that is what it takes. Invite her to this forum where she can communicate with other women. You can also find study after study on the net that say the same thing: cross dressers are predominantly straight and dress for internal reasons, not outer.
Best of luck
The closest I could get to bisexual is caressing a CDer.
I call myself a polysexual. I made that word up. Gender is fluid and I like those in the middle!
as time goes by, maybe she'll understand it better. enough time hasn't passed probably for her to understand all the "ins and outs"...Rome wasn't built in a day...shower her with affection and show her that she has nothing to fear!
Edit: Sorry I forgot to click the quote button...
This is exactly me right now. I came out to my wife very recently and im very hetero as a man with her, but now that I dress I really want to be with a dominant guy. Ive even been with guys before her but I wasnt quite turned on except for those few guys who made me feel like a woman. I guess Im physically attracted to women but only behaviorally attracted to men.
This is exactly me right now. I came out to my wife very recently and im very hetero as a man with her, but now that I dress I really want to be with a dominant guy. Ive even been with guys before her but I wasnt quite turned on except for those few guys who made me feel like a woman. I guess Im physically attracted to women but only behaviorally attracted to men.Quote:
Originally Posted by JessM.
I was crossdressing long before I had sex, (I think I was 7 or 8 when I first started). As a teen and as an adult I totally enjoyed sex with women, and felt I was 100% hetero until my first 3some, which was an MFM, (when this event happened I had already stopped CDing for several years and had pushed it out of my mind completely). I found I enjoyed the multiple partner type of events a lot and as it seems to be pretty much "every man's" fantasy to have two chicks at the same time, I have to say that it is way "too much work" and the MFM was really more about the attention of two guys focused on one woman. But, my nature has always been to make people happy, I soon found myself taking control of the situation and took care of both of my "friend's" needs first. While I still feel hetero, I used to say I was hetero-flexible, then I said I was bi-curious, but after growing a pair, I actually have the balls to say I'm bisexual. This part of my life has nothing to do with CDing. I'm not looking for a guy, I prefer women, really, and truly. However, there are the rare occasions that the animal in my brain kicks-in and if everything lines-up just right, I'm very open-minded and things happen if they happen. That being said, I also enjoy kissing a really cute guy when he is dressed en femme! LOL Yea, I know, but seriously... he's just so damn cute and looks so much like a beautiful woman, who can blame me??!!!
So, yes-and-no, crossdressing and bisexuality are and are not linked.
I know this doesn't answer your question but the reality is that humans are sexual creatures, and the heart wants what the heart wants. Period.
Just live your life, love the friends you have and if you find happiness in whatever form it happens, embrace it and know that you are lucky to have found happiness.
I will add this caveat - if you are bisexual and/or a crossdresser and your job includes working with children, KEEP YOUR DAMN MOUTH SHUT!! People freak out big time! The fear that a bisexual person or a male crossdresser is working with kids makes that person a child molester. THIS IS BULLSHIT! But, the sad reality is that is how society at large seems to view bisexual crossdressers.
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* Snarky Comment * - Yes, I realize I probably just lost around 50% of my friends here because now they know I'm bi and are uncomfortable with that knowledge.
As I get older Im realizing that yeah, I'm bi,but it took me a while to be ok with it. Sometimes when I see a certain type of guy that just catches my eye I say to myself,ooh I'd like to get you in to bed! As for him being dressed,I'd prefer him undressed!
That's the first thing people usually say when they find out you are a crossdresser - "Are you gay?"
Just explain to her that you are not gay or bisexual (assuming you are not) and continue to show her that you are still the man she married.
I think a lot of CDs at least have bisexual thoughts and I also think a lot of wives do to. If you were to truthfully bare your soul, would she do the same?
I guess I can be considered a Bi-Sexual.
She is totally mistaken in associating gender identity with sexual preference. The two are not related in any way. The vast majority of CDrs are heterosexual.
What's funny about this is on Halloween I was driving fully dressed with my wife. We were at a red light and a van came up next to us, I was dressed a little more slizzy then my wife, and the guy at the light was checking out my legs and looking me up and down, we drove away and my wife said " we'll Maria is a little flirt". I asked her what she was talking about and she said that I was fixing my hair and running my finger up and down my leg, and doing some teasing while he's was checking me out. I didn't even realize I was doing that but I love acting the role while dressed but I have no intention of taking it any further then that. My wife always tells me she often wonders what would really happen if I went to a club dressed and a man would show me some interest what I would really do. I think all women believe because we are dressed like women we what the attraction from a man. On a past post I wrote about a Halloween that a few of us dressed up and we went to different friends houses and of corse I was dress as a stripper. We went to a friends house of my friend, I never meet these people but we stayed for a drink and when we were leaving he said to me he couldn't believe how much I looked like a women and he lifted my skirt and ran his hand up and down my leg. My wife made a comment later if I enjoyed him feeling me up. I guess being in the role it did feel kind of Ok but I didn't want to hop in to bed with him, it was a feeling of almost being accepted as a women.
I can't say that I have had that experience. I do wonder though if there is more to it on her behalf. Is she worried that you are going to leave her or cheat on her with a man? I don't know the situation, but I can see where this would totally play into a relationship. Most women that I have dated (and the one I was married to) really didn't like me having female friends because they were afraid that something could happen. Now that you are out to her as a cross dresser, this may have stoked the fear that she may have to worry about your male friends, and if you would do anything with them. Even if there isn't a chance of that happening, the thought could be in her mind.
I do believe that this will take some time for her to understand. Let her take her time to process all of this. Keep reassuring her that you are there for her, and only her. Eventually she should see that you have no desire to be with anyone else except her. I wish you the best of luck.
There's a condition called autogynephilia that describes the love of oneself as a woman. You say that it wasn't the guy you were attracted to, it was the way that he made you feel like a woman. You are aroused by the idea or the fantasy that you are a woman. A lot of people in this forum feel like you do and what's more, they tend to feel this way when they are dressed. They use fantasies of being with men for sexual release but the man in this case is more like a prop to make the CDer feel more like a woman, than a real, prospective romantic interest.Quote:
Originally Posted by Nickie
There are of course true homosexual and bisexual CDers just as there are gay and bi non-CDing men at about the same ratio, but they would be attracted to men whether they were dressed or not and the attraction would not be tied to wanting to feel like a woman. The attraction would be just as deep as a man's attraction to a woman.
Very early on in our relationship I got the gay or bi inquiry. Answer is no. When i dress I feel a creative part of me is allowed to explore choices in clothing I wouldn't otherwise have. I'm content to sit around my own house dressed and in the company of my wife who supports me. Guess it's just not a sex thing for me. It's something else I can't explain, and trying to figure it out gives me a headache. I'd rather shop for shoes . . . :battingeyelashes:
One of my girlfriends hit the nail on the head. She didn't ask if I was straight, gay or bisexual. She asked if I was into her. As long as you are attracted to your wife or girlfriend, the exact definition of your sexual orientation doesn't really matter.