Never Give Up, Never Surrender

Hello it is been a few months since I've posted here on this forum. I have returned to talk about my attempt to "quit" cross-dressing that I started over year ago. The word quit is in quotations because I have a slightly different definition than is commonly accepted. This post may be long because it will contain over a year's worth of experience. But I would hope that you read it especially if you're interested in the subject of quitting cross-dressing. So where to start?


The Beginning

In the spring of 2012 I purchased my first home. In cross-dressing terms that meant a very big closet all to myself. Something that was secure, safe, and private from possible discovery from roommates. I took advantage of this newfound privacy, for the first time I purchased multiple outfits, shoes, and lingerie to wear. I had the idea that I could just simply and happily dress when I want and not worry about drama in my life. But as the song says "you can't always get what you want", and the mere act of dressing cause more drama in my life than ever despite the fact that I was alone. It started early that summer was the subject of my first post on this forum. When I was bored at work the fantasy of cross-dressing would fuel my desire to cross-dress. But when I got home and could actually dress all the fun and pleasure that builds up in my head never materialized when I would dress. I would only get a short lived thrill in the beginning from putting the clothes on, but soon boredom would set in as it dawned on me that I didn't look or feel as sexy, glamorous, or feminine as I imagined. This roller coaster took me on a ride all of that summer until by October the act of cross-dressing made me feel ugly and hopeless. I simply had to quit because I can go on living like this.

The Problem

There is nothing wrong with cross-dressing in general it's just that I know cross-dressing is wrong for me. Cross-dressing has given me such exhilarating sensations, thrilling feelings, and such captivating fantasies in the past, so why would I want to give it up? Because despite all those emotional highs it never fulfills me. To me it is like chewing gum to cure starvation my tongue gets all the flavor in my mouth salivates but my stomach never gets full and in the end my appetite is just taunted. I have no desire to dress in my real world. I've no desire to dress around friends and family nor do I desire to dress while doing my other hobbies or other mundane chores in life. Cross-dressing's fun, for me is limited to minor aspect of my life and for all the time, effort, emotion, and money I feel compelled to put into it, it's just not worth it. When I cross-dress my feelings became obsessed in a torrent of desire for the perfect breastforms, the perfect wig, the perfect dress, the perfect shoes all to try to achieve the perfect feminine image for just a brief time. I was getting depressed because my overweight, balding, hairy, thirtysomething male self was not looking like a young hot 20 something female supermodel. This was the height of ridiculousness. I never once felt bad about my looks when I dress in male clothes in fact I do feel downright handsome in the right set of clothes. In the end cross-dressing only complicates my life by sending me on a pursuit of a woman that can never be and that I truly do not want to be. When I'm not thinking about cross-dressing my life is more relaxed and at ease, I could feel more like my true self. I feel more confident, outgoing, and feel more optimistic about my life. But it's hard to quit cross-dressing because it is a part of me.

Quitting is hard so change the definition

I have tried to quit before then in a few weeks or a few months I would find myself cross-dressing again. And in reading the folks here the common consensus is that quitting is impossible. But for me I couldn't go on cross-dressing I had to do something. So I remembered back to the times I quit before and realized I didn't quit cross-dressing, cross-dressing quit me. There were times when the "pink fog" would subside and I got it in my head that I didn't need to cross-dress anymore which left me unprepared for when it returned. Here I was confident that I was no longer a cross dresser only to be blindsided and feel helpless when it came back. It was this hopeless feeling that got me into the habit of simply cross-dressing when ever I felt the urge, rather than fighting it. Which was the predicament I found myself in an summer of 2012. I started to think of ways of avoiding falling and that same trap. I first realized that I was never going to get cross-dressing out of my head, I was never going to stop liking the fantasy. But the fantasy is not what I have trouble with it the actual act of cross-dressing that causes trouble for me. So I would hold on to the fantasy to keep myself from denying to myself that I like cross-dressing. And just like I got used to giving into the urges by dressing, I needed to get used to or wean myself off of dressing by exercising resistance to those urges. I also did not set some grand goal for myself like never cross-dressing again. I made the goal to try to get to level where I could cross-dress, simply have some fun for a while, and be able to put it away and not get so obsessive over it. Quitting for me is more about limiting rather than eliminating cross-dressing from my life. Although I must say if I woke up one morning and found it had been eliminated I would be happy.


Things that I've found useful.

Waiting: If I felt the urge to cross-dress I would give myself two or three days to try to resist. Usually after that time it would dissipate or I would find my mind more focused on other things.

Reality vs Fantasy: It is usually fantasizing about my idealized feminine self that drives me to dress. I found that if my fantasy is starting to spill over into reality that I could counter it by remembering on how I actually looked and felt during times of actually cross dressed it tends to throw a wet blanket on the desire.

Getting out: I usually find myself fantasizing about cross-dressing when I'm alone and bored. It's usually best to try to avoid these situations I try to go out more hang out with friends, get involved in more sociable activities, and the like. In the past that the height of my cross dressing there would be times when I had planned out in evening of dressing to have an unexpected phone call by a friend to hang out to get me to put away the clothes to go hang out.

Dressing after the urge dies: Sometimes after waiting two or three days the urge is still there so I would go out to get myself an outfit to dress in. Usually before I got to the store the desired were just go away. Despite this I would still purchase the clothes and go home to dress. Don't walk around my house feeling no joy in the clothes that were supposed to bring me joy. I hoped the lesson would sink in the women's clothes are not the source of happiness. I don't know but maybe more experience being bored in women's clothing would counteract the ideas of women's clothing being a source of fun.

Staying focused: my goal is control the urges rather than the urges controlling me so that cross-dressing does not interfere with the rest of my life. I equate it to a dieter who wants to have a healthier body but has a hard time resisting junk food. It was first practice not eating junk food for a while and then when he does eat junk food only to eat it in small portions until the day he has a healthy body he wants and is able to maintain it by only occasionally eating junk food and in small portions. But the dieter always test the focus on the healthy body he wants.


Progress.

The song says "you can't always get what you want"and that's true but what is also true is "that if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need". That is what I'm doing, trying and in this past year and four months of trying I have gotten what I need. I am cross-dressing less. I feel more in control of my urges and compulsions about dressing. And I feel that I'm focusing my life in a more positive direction. No I have not ceased cross-dressing for good but remember that was not my goal. I recently let myself cross-dress to see where I stood in my goal. And I found myself falling into the same habit as I did before but I was able to recognize it and quickly cut myself off so that I could try again. It's a learning process that may never be over but each step I take I learn more and I feel more in control. And that's what I need most in life is control and the peace of mind that comes from it.

What I suggest is,
aim a little higher and keep seeking new goals.
To me you are leading a fairly normal life with the usual problems we all face.

RD (if I may call you that...:)) I can really empathise with many of your feelings. I've had huge gaps in my CD life and while I have gone back to it (as I am now) I don't believe as others do that it can't be beaten. I think with the right mindset and approach, some people will be able to get control back and manage how their CD urges impact their lives.

It sounds to me like you're well on your way to that - and that's a great step forward for you. It also should be considered really positive news for anyone on the forum who has come here to see if there is a way out, if a way out is what one desires. And for that reason you should keep posting - it may not be mainstream for this forum but it is important and relevant to those who struggle with this passion, and there will be some who follow you.

Interesting read - good post - good for you! :clap:

Katey x

Do what works for you, right?

Beverley, I am not sure what you mean by aiming higher.

Katey, yes you can call me RD. Thanks for the encouragement. I do hope others in my situation read this post, it is why I came back to write it. The "you can never quit cross-dressing" mantra can get a little thick and discouraging. I am happy for those who have embraced cross-dressing in their lives and it has worked out for them. But for some of us embracing cross-dressing fully would be like clinging on to a stone in the middle of the sea.

Kimdl93, I do believe this is right for me and perhaps others.

I would imagine that this won't prove to be one of the top ten posts on this forum. However, I think it deserves commendation for its honesty. I wish you well in your quest to walk away from cross dressing.

The first thing my wife told me when I told her about my dressing was "don't look into it to much just enjoy it" her theory is when it's in your blood, it's in your blood. I am not trying to discourage you but just take her advice, just enjoy it.

I totally agree with Maria's comments.
You're overthinking and overanalyzing what should be a delightful and relaxing "hobby".
If you were to apply the same logic to all the other things in your life, nothing will be fun anymore.
Let yourself go and just enjoy when you want to.

Maria......that is a great way of looking at it!!!!!

Getting to a point where I can cross-dress and simply have fun without thinking too much about it is precisely my goal. If I was at that point in the summer of 2012 or if I didn't feel that I was moving towards that point now I would not have written this post. I would not be trying to impart the lessons I've learned trying to control my cross-dressing impulses. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who's had problems reconciling cross-dressing with their life and simplistic advice to just cross-dress more or to just give into your feelings has not helped their situation. Cross-dressing doesn't affect people's lives in the same way, some can accept it and find the peace in their lives, others can accept it and can find themselves more lost than before. I believe websites like this are excellence at helping the former but tend to dismiss or ignore the latter. Communities like this one tend to promote the idea that cross-dressing controls you rather than you being able to control cross-dressing. I wholeheartedly reject this concept. While I find the idea of quitting once and for ever to be a bit extreme, the idea that a cross-dresser can keep it in check for the things that are important to them such as SOs, families, jobs, for themselves, or any other principle they hold on high, I believe is quite possible with patients and practice. To do this one does not need to think cross-dressing is evil or to become anti-cross-dressing. One just needs to believe that they are more powerful than their cross-dressing and then they can fit it into the proper place in their lives. Of course if you have all this already figured out and your cross-dressing life is going smoothly then more power to you.

Perhaps another way to illustrate it.

Cross-dressing is fun and relaxing and can provide me with a certain high that's for sure. But cigarettes do the same thing for smokers. And smokers just have to have their cigarettes. They'll suffer a hacking cough, shortest of breath, a bad smell that stinks to just about everything they own, heck they'll even go out in freezing cold temperatures several times a day just to stand on a corner to smoke. The victory may not be getting the smoker to quit smoking but for him/her but perhaps to hold off on the cigarette breaks until the weather becomes warmer. What I am saying as a Cross-dresser is the smokers equivalent of saying "I am tired of the cough", "I want to breath better", "I am tired of the smell", and "I am sure as hell sick of standing in the cold on the corner". For as much fun cross-dressing provides it not worth everything else. You and I may disagree on how bad the baggage CDing brings can be or whether or not it is CDing is worth all of it and more. But this is my life and I find the fun of CDing not to be worth all the time, effort, money, and emotion I have spent on it.



PS
The whole "If it feels fun, do it.", "Its feels natural, go for it.", "Just do what you feel." argument is not a really good argument for justifying something. I hate to see it used on this forum. Pedophiles, rapists, serial killers, and homophobes/transphobes can truthfully claim what they do feels right to them. Cross-dressing has better justifications

Sorry if you put crossdressers with rapists and pedafiles. Why are you wasting your time with lengthy posts if you know what is right for you? Good luck.

[Cross-dressing has better justifications]
Of course it does and you already know them all. The degree of comfort and the lives we each have determine how much we do it.
Your struggles are not unfamiliar to anyone here I suspect. Your solutions as to how you come to terms with your own urges are valid and I doubt many would take issue with much of what you say.

[Quitting for me is more about limiting rather than eliminating cross-dressing from my life.]
We all find our comfort level.

[Getting to a point where I can cross-dress and simply have fun without thinking too much about it is precisely my goal.]
Again who could disagree?

[Cross-dressing doesn't affect people's lives in the same way, some can accept it and find the peace in their lives, others can accept it and can find themselves more lost than before. I believe websites like this are excellence [sic] at helping the former but tend to dismiss or ignore the latter.]

My experience on this site is that if someone comes here "lost" they are far more likely to feel better about themselves regarding CDing, less isolated, more part of a community than perhaps they ever felt shamefully hiding their 'secret' away. If someone comes here looking for a way to get rid of a part of themselves they loathe, they are far more likely to find understanding and be encouraged to think of themselves in a more positive way. People who learn to accept it and are still more 'lost' than before are not more 'lost' because they have learned to accept it more; their troubled lives won't simply disappear because they accept that part of themselves. Hopefully a greater self acceptance will reduce or remove a part of that heavy burden that finds them 'lost' and coming here for self understanding in the first place. So, on the contrary, I find that this site in no way tends to dismiss or ignore 'the lost.'

[Communities like this one tend to promote the idea that cross-dressing controls you rather than you being able to control cross-dressing. I wholeheartedly reject this concept.]
I think most here would reject that concept also. This is a very diverse community with varying levels of age and experience. I could be wrong but I would doubt that many here believe cross-dressing controls them. It is simply a somewhat inexplicable desire we all have that flies in the face of gender role stereotypes much as being "gay" for many still does. Many of us struggled or struggle as you do to fit CDing comfortably into our lives. It is axiomatic that the level of adaptation for each of us is different. The belief that the desire to cross-dress cannot be adapted to each of our lives in differing ways and to different degrees and is beyond any type of control is simply not to be found here (or anywhere else as far as I'm aware.) Most here have spent their lives controlling it to the extent of expertly hiding it from others. That sounds to me like a very significant level of control.

[But this is my life and I find the fun of CDing not to be worth all the time, effort, money, and emotion I have spent on it.]
As others have said, you have found your comfort level. It's a decision each of us makes, over and over and over and over throughout our lifetimes. Circumstances change.

[The whole "If it feels fun, do it.", "Its feels natural, go for it.", "Just do what you feel." argument is not a really good argument for justifying something. I hate to see it used on this forum. Pedophiles, rapists, serial killers, and homophobes/transphobes can truthfully claim what they do feels right to them. Cross-dressing has better justifications]
Unfortunately what you are doing is taking some phrases and simply choosing to ignore the all-important context in which they are actually used.
Context is everything. These phrases, ‘If it feels fun, do it.’ etc. if taken out of context are silly and will quickly become self defeating and /or destructive of self or others as you point out.
It is not sufficient when justifying any behaviour by saying the above. In the pursuit of happiness there must always be the very important caveats of
a) what are the short term consequences for one's happiness ?(not excluding those around us) and
b) what are the long term consequences for one's happiness?(again not excluding those around us)
To ignore this context means doing whatever the heck you want whenever the heck you desire it.
Few, if any, here or anywhere would advocate acting like that. Especially not here. Most here are particularly sensitive to particular circumstances when they recommend courses of action. Many simply will not advocate courses of action for others at all. I don’t know how you missed this.
Happiness is the goal and as even you point out, having fun with crossdressing is your own goal. If you find anyone here who disagrees with that or my assessment I promise I'll buy you a new pair of pantyhose (or work socks if you would prefer.)

Obsession with CDing, or anything is a problem for some of us, including me. The Pink Fog can take us, where we might not need to go. Humans are amazingly adaptive, with potential to change.

I think your post will help more than many may want to believe. I'm happy you've found your proving ground and working on a solution that works for you. Hopefully those who have posted in the past the need for more control in their life's will find your thread and having read it find some comfort and hope. It has to be horribly isolating coming to a support site looking for a way to have some control in life only to hear it's hopeless, no one ever quits for good and more of the same ie... "You can never really have any control over it so just enjoy" philosophy. There is a place between obsession and never. Sounds like you are well on your way to finding it. Good for you and others who fight the good fight and never give up; never surrender.

By Grabthar's hammer, by the sons of Worvan, you shall find your happy place. :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by heatherdress

Sorry if you put crossdressers with rapists and pedafiles. Why are you wasting your time with lengthy posts if you know what is right for you? Good luck.

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No I am sorry read that passage again. Why? To share information that has helped me who might be in a similar situation.

Best of luck to you ReluctantDebutant. I stopped entirely for about 18 years. Look at me now though...