I'm having girly thoughts but I can't express them

Disclaimer: This post may be on the long side. If you think it's too much to read, please read a little bit at a time and not just skim through it. Thank you. :)

First, a little info about myself. I'm a male, 25 (going on 26), straight, a bit of a loner, no friends, I don't socialize, I hardly leave the house and I'm currently living with family.

Ever since their debut I have been into Monster High. Mainly the animated series not the dolls. My main reason for this was because I liked their message about being yourself and how your outward appearance shouldn't matter. I like cheesy stuff like that. Fast forward to Valentine's Day. I'm sitting there watching one of their older movies "Why Do Ghouls Fall in Love" and something suddenly happens. I don't know why but I just started feeling really giddy and girly.

I started paying more attention to the girly, feminine side of the MH girls and it felt liberating to do so. Later that day I started having all sorts of other girly thoughts and didn't feel awkward or ashamed of them. Besides cross dressing, I had never felt "right" about doing anything that is against what society says I should be doing. It feels so good to have these thoughts. It feels like I'm floating on a cloud in springtime despite the fact that it's the winter and freezing.

Now here comes to hard part... my family. My (immediate) family has always been disfuntional yet we've also always had this "we're the only ones we've got" thing about us. Unfortunately most of my family is homophobic. My mom doesn't have anything against gay men but she doesn't like gay women because she believes that they'll try to "do something with her". Also when the subject of homosexuality comes up she'll often ask "you're not like that, are you?" or will say, "you'd better not end up like that". My brother is very homophobic. He can't stand being around gay guys, even if they're a friend of a friend or family member of a friend. My oldest sister has never been keen to the idea of homosexuality and recently she's developed some über-religious type of personality and definitely speaks out against it. Last but not least my other older sister is bi-sexual and has no objections to homosexuality. But she may not be the best person to confide in.

Why am I just talking about homosexuality and not crossdressing or trans-anything? Because none of them has an understanding of any of that stuff. They group it altogether under one one category (homosexuality). This is why it's been impossible for me to embrace my crossdressing. I can get away with it if I turn it into a joke or a Halloween costume idea but I could never crossdress freely as long as I live here. I can hardly get away with complimenting a woman on TV on her clothes or hair or makeup. I can do it a couple of times but one time too many and I'll get a look or a comment.

So, you might be thinking "just move out, that'll solve the problem", right? Well, I am currently on the waiting list for a few apartment complexes so it's really just a matter of time. But moving wouldn't really solve anything. My family are still the closest people I know. It's still going to be a bit of a challenge moving forward. I just hope that maybe someday I can make all of this work and not burn any bridges along the way. And so that concludes my story of self liberation but still being in the closet (so to speak).

I guess we're a bit on the same boat, and I'm sure more 20-somethings struggle with the same problem. I don't have much advice, because I'm struggle with the same thing. I do think that living on your own might be the right step to the solution (I hope so). Furthermore, I discovered there are crossdressers meetings around my city. It might be a good idea to go there and find more people like us.

Hi FemPossible,

I think as you've taken the time and trouble to put this together it's incumbent on this sorority to take the time and trouble to see what you have to say - and I think you're communicating a common and shared issue here, so don't feel that you're alone.. :hugs:

There's a lot of posts on this site that express the positive, accepting and liberal side of friends and family - they're great to hear about but I suspect your story is more the stereotypical one for regular folk to express... Some people still don't understand or want to accept the concept of homosexuality, trans- , bi- , or sometimes even just overt heterosexuality, for that matter (and all the other categories out there - didn't mean to leave anyone out :)) - they see it as a threat, or a challenge, and for some people it probably taps into repressed feelings of their own. My feelings on this are that these folk fundamentally lack the intellectual courage to accept that we are all different - and that society can embrace differences without being threatened or heading into moral meltdown - but most people won't accept it; it's just too difficult a concept to grasp.

I'm afraid you probably already know that you won't be able to find yourself properly until you've broken free of this repressive environment - whether you'll still be able to maintain those close ties and relationships with family if you do choose to reveal your true nature is a lottery. And you could choose to remain closeted - at least to your family, and perhaps there is some compromise and balance you can find when you are truly independent, that satisfies who you need to be, and how you want your family relationships to work. With that independence you may be able to find the right people to socialise with, and that will surely help you develop as your own person.

Be calm - be patient... All things come to he/she who waits... :)

Katey x

Dear FemPossible:

I note that you've been a member since March 2012, but that you only have 10 posts on this site. You say you a mostly a loner with no friends, and if note that no one has "friended" you on this site. So if I may, I'll offer you a few suggestions.

1. Fill out your profile a bit -- having some basic info like where you live, you don't need to be specific, but country/region will help us understand a bit more about your background and the types of people you encounter outside your family. Also include what you do (in general) - are you a student, employed, etc.

2. Get on here and talk more. Your recent post tells us quite a bit, but expressing yourself here is safe and the more you tell us and the more we know about you, the more advice we can give, the more friendships we can offer, and the more you'll feel the warmth and support of this community.

3. Seriously consider that you may well lose contact with your family when you move out. The liberation you'll feel will be intoxicating. The ability to dress and transform yourself whenever you choose to do so is an awesome experience. The freer you become from the family mind-shackles, the more you'll resent what they did to you - repression of your true self - and the more you'll recognize the passive-aggressive crap you've been fed ("you're not like that?" "Don't end up like that.") for what is.

4. If you let us know where you are (see #1) we may be able to recommend some groups to join, or places to go, or counseling to seek in your area. You may even be able find some friends from this group to actually meet in person. Building your private network/circle of friends to provide you with support and encouragement may be vital to your well-being as you pull yourself up and away from the toxic family life you're currently in.

Keep reaching out to us. This group can provide major support to you if you'll let it.

Thank you for sharing your story with us and trusting us to offer help,and guidance.

Best regards,
Rhonda

Hi there,

Firstly WELCOME to our little group. That is quite the introduction and I understand your angst in not wanting to alienate your family (after all they are the only ones we have). However, I believe that moving out is probably a good step forward for you as it will remove you from a lot of negativity regarding CDing stereotypes and allow you to explore yourself on your own terms.

It is unfortunate that your family confuses TG and homosexuality and while one in not mutually exclusive of the other they are not always linked (as you said you are straight). However, given how ingrained their convictions seem to be, it will take some time to educate them on the difference. Still, just because they are not accepting, well not so much "not accepting" as "not informed" it does not mean you cannot live your life without telling them. Once you have your own place, you can be free to explore your femme side at your leisure and they don't need to know at least until you are prepared to tell them. In the mean time perhaps begin the education process in baby steps. If you can get them to understand that not all CDers are homosexual then that is a step forward to potential acceptance.

Good luck sweetie and keep us informed . . . we are here to support.

Hugs

Isha

I have to agree with the gals here w/regard to the moving out thing but I also have to add one suggestion------I would seek out a good therapist for the "family problems" and also the loner syndrome. the loner syndrome is NOT healthy by itself but coupled w/the other mentioned problems it becomes intolerable. In any event, I wish you well.

Molly

I've given up trying to seperate my feminine and masculine responses to any given stimulus/circumstance. It's all just a part of who I am. However I do know exactly what you mean here and at times I catch myself walking in a particular manner not akin to the aparrel I'm wearing or somesuch. The wife has to remind me to walk like a man occasionally. But hey it's all good :)
Yes sometimes I get all weepy and root for the protagonist in a good "chick flick", and yes I roar and huff and puff and cuss and make all kinds of cro-magnon noises whilst watching football. I just go with what my body and mind feel are natural and don't think about it anymore. We have enough confusion as it is dear girl :)

As far as the "girly" reactions in front of people who don't know, or are DADT. Yes that still scares me occasionally, but I don't let it bother me as much as it used to. Like I said my wife is my guardian and any time I'm doing something "girly" in guy mode she gives me subtle reminders without being mean about it in any way....."Stop swinging your hips in home depot you air head" (always with a smile and love). I guess the big one was when she told me my pink thong was sticking out over my belt and I looked like I needed a tramp stamp lol. Well needless to say I still underdress but no more thongs in public without a shirt that tucks in *wink*.........Don't worry so much. Be true to yourself but yes in your situation I can see where you might.

Hope it gets better for you soon ...........(((((HUGS))))

Until you get some space to spread your wings you do have to grin and bear it.
Throughout life opportunities do come knocking and we can break the shackles so to speak.
Circumstances do change and usually for the better.
You just have to wait and have patience.

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I'm going to continue to stay strong and put up with all of the negativity until I get my own place. In my family it's pretty much something we all do in some way, shape or form. I'm also going to try and be more active on the forums.

I was twenty-five years old once, now I'm seventy. Relax, you have a lot of years ahead of you.

if it makes you feel any better only my sister knows I dress...." she is gay"....not that that matters but we had a coming out moment years ago...point is...nobody else in my family knows and there is no need for me to tell them. You are just putting on a dress once in a while cause it is fun,and you like it, not going for a full sex change or anything.
Try and take comfort in that fact and that is IS ok...

I have to admit that I don't make friends easily. In all hoensty, I don't have any good male friends.

But I have a lot of good CD/TS friends. In fact, except for my wife, my entire ocial group revolves around CDs.

You may find that once you are free, that your family may be less important in your social structure.

About the Monster High stuff... Being drawn in such a way to the female character in those shows it pretty cool. When I watch shows involving HS/JHS girls either live actors or animated I always wish I had their lives and just experiencing it through watching it makes me somehow happier inside. Sometimes I think I grew up in the wrong life... like I got in the wrong line somewhere along they way. Ever had that happen, you get in the wrong line for something and your experience afterwards is one of simply being lost? That's how I feel about my childhood and teen years.
But, like you, I had a family who would have been far from supportive. My father was a hardcore religious man and to him crossdressing was a sin. Even as a joke for Halloween it was a sin. So I, as many others do, understand your situation yet honestly have no advice to offer on the family front. Only way I deal with the family issue is living thousands of miles from them so they know nothing. However, on the issues of conforming to society I have only this to say and it is the pearl of wisdom which changed my whole life. Crossdressing, being trans, or whatever you identify as, hurts no one. Other people being bothered by what you wear is more about them not about you. It is an issue within themselves not a wrongness in the man wearing the dress. Their reactions are a product of their own prejudices born out of their own insecurities (can't believe how dangerously close I just came to quoting Edward Said). So never, ever, ever ever ever, feel bad about it. Love always