Depression, Boredom, low self esteem, no desire to go on living a dream....

I get my ups and downs, most of my life has been mundane and boring. I do enjoy parts of life, going out with friends and such. There are times I just can't get out of the dump. This usually follows happy emotions or if I feel great about something, perhaps a challenging project was completed with great success, or perhaps a new outfit that makes me feel great.... and then bam! I hit the bottom or fall down the pit that seems like there is no end.... I miss my wife is all I can think about. I am not sure which is worse, loosing a spouse to an illness or loosing a spouse to divorce. I think I would rather deal with the anger and stress of a bitter divorce as I had dealt with some 14 years ago. That was easier to comprehend. Now I am brought to my knees, it has gotten better over the past year, but the pain is still there just as strong as it was the day I lost my love. Why is life so hard? I am not expecting anyone to understand, I do know some of you do, have been there and share the same. My heart goes out to all of you that has lost that special someone. (at this moment, I am contemplating to submit or just cancel, if you are reading this, I guess I hit the submit button).

Nothing can replace a piece of your soul that has been ripped away. I wish I had the words to help you feel better Erica, but I know that there were none that helped me with my loss. Mine was my father. We were close, more like best friends.
It's been 15 years and I still think of him every day.

The only thing I can say that helped me is give it time. Time truly does heal wounds. This, and ask yourself how would your loved one want you to feel? Happy or sad? I had to ask myself this.

Please have faith that life does get better hon, and god bless!

dont despair,

things will get easier, but not without the memories of your time together,
you must always remember in your heart those times you cherish,
time will be a healer as well, glad you hit "submit" so we can be here to support you...

Erica, Like yourself, many here are survivors of unbelievable grief. My father lost his wife of fifty years and then his war hero son, my hero. My oldest brother lost his youngest to cancer. How do you breath after that? I have a suit that I can't wear anymore because it relates to funerals and loss. When I'm really down and I just can't take it anymore, I replay the beautiful, pastel memories of happier times with loved ones lost. And, as a tribute to them, I don't wallow in self pity. I guiltlessly enjoy my happiness in tribute to them. We keep our loved ones in our hearts and, that keeps us going. And, I believe their influence and image is in my personality, and makes me a better person.

What you're describing is life. Every life is composed mainly of the mundane, punctuated occasionally by exceptional moments. And each of us has or will lose many of those who are dear to us and mourn their passing, until we ourselves are gone. To paraphrase Yoda, 'there is no why. Only is or is not.'

There is no escaping loss or the associated emotional pain. The question as well as your relief is found how you cope with the inevitable. Yes, you will have low moments. Feel the pain, acknowledge the reality and finality of loss. Then, get up and do something. Actively reengaging with life is always the way out of emotional darkness.

Erica;

I think I can say we truly feel for you. I use HALT is a popular self-care tool for depression. It is an acronym for Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired,

Hungry - eat something , even if its a cracker.
Angry - get it out scream in a pillow, bang some nails in wood.
Lonely - Go out and be around people, even in a mall
Tired - Take a nap , 10 -15 minutes does wonders.

Also grieving is normal, it's OK to feel the feelings.
You are a beautiful person, remember the good times and forgive the rest.

My dear Erica Anne. I am so glad that you had the courage to submit this post and I truly hope that you will find much love and support from the responses you receive. I can offer relatively little other than to offer you a very sincere hug and a truly warm wish that you will find peace and enjoy the ups of your life. I can't imagine losing a loving partner as you have. I just pray that her legacy lives on through your precious memories and loving ways. Please know that you are truly cared for. Hug.

Dear Erica - folk before me have put it all so well, I can't add much more than to echo their words and to be glad for you that you did decide to submit... It's not exactly a problem halved, but at least you know there are people here prepared to listen and who have suffered loss and so know something of what you are going through.

The good feeling will return; time will make things better although they will never go away completely; and you will honour your loved ones by being as happy, positive and active as you can be - I'm sure they will have wanted that! :)

Katey x

Life it the act of getting out of bed, living is what you do after that. Believe that there is a way to withstand all the pain that living drops on you.
We are all here for some sort of reason, perhaps your reason is to hit submit, you may have helped someone help themselves so they can
Help others understand loss. Keep hitting submit, it will help, trust me. Your thoughts and feelings do not fall on deaf ears here, we are all here to help each other.
WW

Hi Erica, Sometimes there are no words that can ease the pain but you do have thousands of friends here for you.

Hey hon, I've been there and its hard, believe me I know. I can't say enough for the benefits of therapy and meds but getting to the point where you can even ask for that kind of help is a struggle. Hang in there, stay here on the boards... you have a lot of people here who are more than happy to talk to you about any old thing. Remember: depression lies. I know it seems bad but it gets better. We are here for you... you are not alone!

Jenn

Erica,
I always think positive as things like this happen to us all the time.
Do not let yourself get into a depressive state it is unhealthy.
Always use the submit button here otherwise how do we know when you need help.
Big smile now, and look for the sunshine that will come through the window for you. :)

I thank you all and those who could not respond.
I will be fine. I was putting into words my thoughts and feelings. Some days I have difficulty ignoring my feelings. I believe I have a better understanding as to what triggered my depression. Taxes, not the actual doing the stuff, it never bothered me before unless I owed Uncle Sam a substantial amount. It was that task that I shared with my wife. She was the tax lady of the family. Now that I have made that connection to my depression I feel a bit better. Ups and downs are difficult to manage, not as frequent as it was last year this time, but still just as dominant at times.

I am mentally stable (I believe) why I am sharing my inner feelings, not really sure, I guess it is because the person I would normally share them with is only with me in spirit.

Erica Anne, I'm jumping in, only to say I care too, and I'm glad you're bearing up. Those posting before me have done a better job expressing themselves than I can. I like Kelly's HALT tool. It's good advice for all of us. God Bless!

H Erica, Sometimes there are no words we can offer, especially on the loss of a loved one. Know though that this is a special community where we care about you and if we could, give you a big hug. Life isn’t always fair and is punctuated with episodes of loss and grief. That’s where friends come in handy to hold a hand or give a shoulder to lean on. Though I’ve never seen it before, I’ve got to admit Kelly’s procedures seem to offer have some merit, especially if the something to eat is Chocolate.

I think most of the girls here would be happy to talk to you if you need it, just PM us. If need be. We’re all special here and care about one another. That’s why I find this forum special. Keep your spouse in your heart, yet life demands you arise each day. You can face it with people who care about you dear.

As others have said, if we could we’d reach out and give you a big hug.

Hug

I can only imagine the emotions coursing through you! I'm sorry for your loss.

Hug
Rita

HUG

I am so sorry sweetie losing someone is hard, losing someone you love is torture. We are all here for you.

Dear Erica,
Feel lucky for all the years you did have together. And remember she isn't gone she will be with you always.
Love KristyE

Erica, thanks for your posts. I can't imagine how hard it must be to loose a partner, feel for you. I have to say a couple of things about self esteem and depression. We are all much, much more than our physical appearance. Our cards get dealt out in many ways, and usually not to our complete satisfaction. We may not look like we want to but that is really a very small part of our whole being. Depression is something that most of us will experience at some time, and at various levels. And low self esteem can be both a by product of depression or a factor in becoming depressed. From my own experience you absolutely must get professional support. If you haven't already done this, go and talk to your doctor, spill your guts, they'll be able to get you in touch with the right people to help. This isn't about crossdressing, it's about you as a whole person.
And life? It is hard, very hard. But our lives are so much better than many. Try and get a better perspective, remember 'The Dead Poet's Society', get on a table and look around, everything looks a little different from another perspective.
And remember you've got support and love from everyone here.

Be kind to yourself and get some help,
Christen x

Erica , I can hardly see the screen though my tears for you and the other here who have described their losses, I can only add that I will keep you and your dear departed in my prayers, Hugs Bria

One of the things I've discovered along the way, is that life ISN'T that hard. Not usually, anyway. It's all perspective; how we compare our current situation to what we've experienced before (and viewing our past with 'rose colored glasses', remembering the good stuff and forgetting the bad), or what we believe other people's lives are like (and again, only seeing what we want to see, such as all of our belief that being a woman is so much better than being a man).
One example is the incidence of suicide among rich famous people. Nearly all of us think that we would love to be rich and/or famous; surely the life of luxury and being admired by millions must be wonderful, right? Nope. Many of them hate it, and feel just as depressed as anyone else.
We get used to our situation in life. It becomes the norm, and whatever it is, isn't so much fun anymore, it's mundane. I've owned two vehicles most of my life; initially, a plain car, and a motorcycle. I loved riding my motorcycle; it was always a thrill. Until I sold my car. All I had was my bike. Riding in the blazing sun in traffic jams sweating my ass off until I was stuck to every piece of clothing, in the pouring rain, completely soaked and shivering for long lengths of time, even freezing my ass off in snow wondering if I'd make it home without dying by sliding under a truck. It became 'ordinary'. It was no longer fun, just transportation. Sure, the occasional ride up the twisted roads was still fun, but for the most part, it was just something that got me from here to there. So when I made enough money to afford a car again, the bike was no longer so much fun, and it sat around while I did other things. Today I own a sports car and an SUV, and I don't make the same mistake. Sure, the sports car is terrific; but I won't drive it every day, or it will take the enjoyment out of it.
So what I'm trying to get around to, is that we often decide whether we want to be happy or not, because we forget how to enjoy 'the little things'. We forget about all the nice little things we have in our lives that we didn't always have. So start when you wake up. Hot coffee? Fresh toast with butter? A warm radiator to put your feet on when they're cold? Maybe having the morning paper delivered instead of having to go to the store. All good stuff, to be enjoyed; homeless people get none of that. Peace while you sit and eat? People in war zones often have not a moment's peace. Working indoors? How about being a diamond mine worker in Africa, being beaten often by the slave drivers?
And, of course, being a guy. I've been 'out' to a few gay women in my life. And every one of them envy's me, because I have access to all the beautiful straight women in the world.
And then I stop feeling sorry for myself. I'm not rich, I'm not famous. But I have a whole lot of things that about 90% of the world does not. And I've learned to enjoy that. Quick example: It's 3 in the morning right now. I have the urge for a really good omelet, home fries, sausage, pancakes, and a cup of hot tea (it's 12 degrees Fahrenheit where I am). There's a terrific diner only ten minutes away, open 24/7. I'm going. And when I get there, I'll be freezing and will really appreciate the warmth of the diner, as well as the SUV that got me there no matter what the weather is.
It's all perspective.

Hi,

We did not sign up for a lot of details we have to go through and some times its so very hard....... wether we'v lost loved ones or we have just parted, still not easy depression is no better, and when you loose it its hard getting back up and you wonder if its worth the effort ,yes some day are extra good while others are do i have to get out of bed .

there are strange as it may be days im involved with our groups and its a struggle , i know what its like and im there living it, you know i feel like pulling out sometimes the hardest detail is to carry on, its so easy to just step off the kerb and not see around you,

Most of the time im one happy person yet i still get .. my .. days my focus is our family that keeps me going more so Dejarn she's keeped me going for just over 12 years , of cause theres more yet she is who is most inportaint to me
( grandchild, )

You know something you maybe on another boat over there, and we may not pass each other just remember our words do as we read each others, so your not alone ,

Take care,

...noeleena...

Hi sweetie,

There are no words which can sooth the passage of grief. I have buried a parent and recently lost several close friends in the service and have grieved them all. The hardest part is letting go because deep down we feel that by letting go we will forget they ever existed and part of us may die with that loss. I ran across a poem not long after I loss a very close friend it was by a Mary Freye ( an American poet in the 1930s) and it helped me to come to terms with the loss and understand that while life continues we never truly loose the ones we love.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.

Have faith sweetie, your loved ones are never truly gone.

Hugs

Isha

Life is hard, I never expected it to be easy. When my wife and I moved down, we had to face many hardships, I could not sell the old home, wound up in foreclosure since they refused to let me rent the property, medical costs and bills were becoming a burden (we had insurance but that did not help much), restructure of credit and all accounts had credit limits dropped well below the balance so they can charge unaffordable minimum payments, wife was ill and could not maintain a job if she had one, one thing lead to another, deeper we fell into a hole that had no way out, except for filing bankruptcy. No matter what was thrown my way, what ever it may be, it could not knock me down, then it happened. The only thing that could strip me of any optimism, any hope that there is an end to the financial issues and typical life challenges, the one thing I never expected, my wife passed away.

Isha, you made a valuable point, and I strongly agree, fear of forgetting she ever existed. That is why I cannot let go. I feel as if I am erasing her from my life.

I will rise up from the ashes eventually, one day at a time, one step at a time. When the onset of boredom and depression set in, if I can figure out why I am there, was it something I saw, did I do something that my wife would normally do that made me feel the way I do. Once I understand the reason behind why I feel the way I do, I feel better as if I turned off a light switch. Sound like I am becoming bipolar. (I am not). I am not manic depressive either. Just a typical rollercoaster ride of emotion that is expected after such an event. As for the low self esteem, that has been with me most of my life. Perhaps I need to seek some help on my personal issues. What underlying issues that I have carried though child hood, so there my be some unresolved issues, but they all relate to my cross dressing. I do understand where those feelings come from and they are not related to loss of my wife.