Thank you all. And hello :)

I don't know where to start. English is not my native language so I hope you can excuse any grammar mistakes or anything, I'm quite nervous right now. This is a very long post. I don't know if it's appropriate to write it here. If it's not, please have it removed and accept my apologies. I only want to say thank you.

I cry everytime I enter this forum, I only know it from days ago. I will tell you a bit of my life story. It's just one of perpetual sadness, never achieving what I wanted, never feeling like I belonged. Failing at love, failing at school, failing at life. Yes, I have a life, yes I have been loved. But I have also harmed close ones, because of my inabilty to provide what would make them happy. I couldn't even provide what would make me happy.

Now I know this is happening since I was a little boy, when I wanted to wear dresses and earrings, that wasn't all games to me. As I grew up, I kept my fascination and adoration of women, I always felt good among them, I always thought I was in tune with them.

Living a regular straight guy life, enjoying good success at meeting and knowing girls, having relationships, I came to terms with the fact that there was just a strong feminine side inside me. I learned to love it while at the same time I was afraid to let something slip and cause people around me to think I was gay, something I didn't consider myself back then.

Then it changed over the years. At first it made itself apparent as I tried for the first times intimating with non-GG's, where I realized I wasn't the regular straight guy myself and everyone thought I was. I even got to men, to realize it wasn't fulfilling. Yes, it satisfied some needs. Yet I never felt it was completely right with me.

So I attributed all of it to me just a pervert. I even accepted myself as one. Fast forward 2 relationships with marvelous girls in which I was deeper and deeper in darkness, not knowing what I wanted, why was I like that. In the last months of my last relationship, I somehow started thinking more and more about everything, me and my life. I also became increasingly and almost obsessively interested in some things related to women, such as clothing, makeup. This might look like childish, the things I started to look at. But I had always, from what I can remember, be very interested in women. Always listening, always analyzing them. Always feeling more identified to the way they see life. Always admiring them.

As it happened, I started thinking about dressing myself as a woman. I had thought about that for many years, but I always defended myself from it thinking it was just another crazy fantasy. I had even done partially years ago with clothes from women of my family. I wanted out of the relationship to pursue this feeling.

This was some months ago. I started chatting with a crossdresser in a dating site I frequented. It soon became apparent to her that I wasn't interested in being with her, but in being like her. We talked, she helped me understand things and quickly started to plan everything. He assured me I would look gorgeous and I would never regret it. One day, about 2 months ago, I went to her place and Diana was made real. And I'm crying again just by writing this. I've been crying constantly through these last weeks and it's tears of joy what I have.

First time was obviously when she put my wig on me and I looked at myself in the mirror. I can say it was one of the most brutal emotions I've ever had. I changed instantly, everything I have been keeping inside for so many years just started flowing and submerged me in euphoria.

I realize, because I have been reading these forums intensely, that going out while dressed is a big deal, it's something that takes all the bravery in the world for so many girls out there. In my case, Diana exploded in my life so abruptly, well I basically went out that same night with my friend, and while I was scared, I just let myself flow.

My life had been miserable, I was feeling feeling really alive for the first time in 32 years, I was feeling myself. I didn't have to think what to say or how to behave, I just let myself flow and let the intense happiness I was experiencing to carry me over. As it happened, I ended up losing my phone in the proccess, with all the pictured I had taken of myself. To this day, I still have the fear that at any moment someone can approach me and tell me they have received some really weird pictures of me.

In any case, it's been about 2 months and well, I have dressed some more times, I haven even bought myself a dress and some nice shoes I love, and this is everything I have been thinking about, everyday, all the time. The last time I dressed, I was trying the new clothes I had bought. First time in a dress I had picked, shoes I had bought. I took like 200 photos of myself, I partied, I met men, I was charming, people loved me, I didn't go out because I realized I got really carried away the first time, so I have limited my interactions to a dating site and the people my friend invites to her house when I go over.

I have never been so happy. I realize I'm extremely lucky in many aspects, I thought people would laugh at me. They would ridicule. All of it was killing me. Instead, I found out people love. Strangers treat me like a princess. I realize most of them want what they want, but I don't care as long as they are respectful and they treat me the way I want to be treated.

I can't overstate how incredible the attitude of women has been. I keep getting almost to the point of crying when one of them tells me something nice, supporting. I'm really touched about all this, I don't even fully know what it's happening to me, I just know allthat makes me feel right, alive.

I don't know what it is to come. I have read about this pink fog, about the desperation, about quitting, or purging, I don't know. I don't know how will I face that some people I love will find it disgusting if they eventually find out something that makes feel happy for the first time in my life.

And then I found this forum, and started reading so many stories so similar to mine. You have made me feel one among many for the first time in my life. You have given answers to absolutely every question or fear I had. I was really confused after the last time, and then I found you. And now I know there was nothing wrong with me all along. I don't know what I will be down the road, now I'm positive I'm going to be what I feel I am, even if I have to move to a different country and start from scratch. I'm 32, i don't think it's too late to live my own life.

I think there is a very strong feminine side in me and I unleashed it for the first time in my life. I felt alive and happy for the first time too. I interacted with people without feeling I was hiding anything. It was myself. The part of me that I was hiding, the part of me that I kept from everyone in fear, was for the first time ever the part I was showing, and people found it lovely.

So this is me right now. My life has changed. I will make it like I want no matter what. I still don't know how it will go, but finding this forum and you all has given me hopes. I now know a place to be, with people that will understand me.

I love you all. You are all beautiful. You all are. I really mean this all.

Kisses.

PD: That one which is a bit fuzzy, is from the first time I dressed. I was so happy. The other 3 are from the last time, when I was wearing my own dress and shoes for the first time, I was waiting for it like crazy because I had to order the shoes online due to no shop having my size (I'm 6' and my feet are enormous). It was the best night of my life. I really struggle to imagine how could I feel happier. The close-up one is me after having been crying (how not) upon staring at myself at the mirror.

Welcome to your life, Diana.
You have finally found your happiness.

Welcome Diana - that is something more than an introduction and I'm sure many here will feel some empathy with what you have gone through... and to start that just a couple months or so ago, that really is a rapid development! :)

I'm sure if you take your time to read more here it will help you come to terms with the way you feel - you certainly have a very natural look... perhaps a little southern European at a guess... :)

You're welcome here - look forward to hearing more from you... and your pics are delightful, even if fuzzy... :D

Katey x

Well those are some awesome skills you have Katey! Yes, I'm actually south european :) And yes I have been reading a lot, trying to get my feet back to the ground. I'm not going out in a while because despite it was a cathartic experience, I know I really crossed some lines and it could have went really wrong when it had just started. Still, I did it in a different town, I wouldn't have been able to do it if I expected people there to know me.

The forum is helping me. I had started to leave important things aside. It's all very emotional. It's like a violent rearrangement. I'm very grateful and scared. But it can't be wrong if it makes me feel right. I desperately believe this.

Thank you very much. The photos are taken with a webcam. Poor quality, courtesy of me losing my phone that first day... I should have never ever taken it with me in my mental state.

first welcome,
glad you found some real life CD friends to help you out of your shell,
i suppose the more you go out the less emotional you'll become,
do be careful when your out as you are very attractive,
you have found a safe and comfortable place with many like minded folks, your virtual freinds,
feels good to be able to share and know your normal,
i wish you well......

Yes, thank you mikell!! In fact that was only the first time. I got completely out of my mind, I was really euphoric. But I have dressed several times since, and the only time I stepped on the streets was the last one and I only walked for about 3 minutes, and then entered my friend's home again.

I think I will need some time to be prepared to go out seriously. The last time my friend wanted to go out so they went out without me, I told her I wasn't sure going out with that dress and at 6'5''. I spent the time chatting online and taking 200 photos of myself instead. I really draw looks and it was awesome the first time but I'm no longer sure about it. Plenty of childish stuff happening inside me, really, like wishing I had natural long hair, like I had for many years.

Between that first night dressed, the people that have seen me and the people I have met online, it's getting really scary at times. Because as good as I feel as Diana, it's like it's all an illusion. I don't know. I feel a bit like Cinderella, my friend is my fairy godmother and when I'm dressed I know I can just go out to some club or disco and basically live a dream night. I did that once and it was great. But I'm finding it really hard to accept I can only be like that for some hours and then I'm back to being someone with a totally different life.

And that's the reason I go from euphoria to sadness to being scared, to being excited, to crying, to laughing for the last 2 months, I guess. I don't know where I am at, I don't know where I'm going, the only thing I know is I don't want to lose this, by any means.

Diana:

First, you look gorgeous, girl. Don't worry about your phone and the pictures on it (unless you photographed the stages of transforming from guy to girl). Anyone finding your phone will only see a hot hot girl, not a guy in a dress. Plus, if someone finds a phone and keeps it, they're going to wipe it and make it their own, not sit around deconstructing your life.

Second, the doubt about going out, passing as a woman, fear of being recognizes by friends, etcetera, are things we've all dealt with. In my case for 50 years I lived with doubts, paranoia, fear of discovery, and more before I finally figured it all out, pulled up my big girl panties, and decided that it was more important for me to be happy than to sit around worrying the "what ifs". Now Rhonda goes out and about when time permits and enjoys life. I still work and live most of my life in "drab" mode, but no longer get depressed when having to switch back from Rhonda to drab old me.

You've experienced your transformation and self revelation over such a short period of time that it is quite understandable that you are wary of being yourself as Diana. Stick with us and keep reading, and don't self doubt! You mentioned that women you met were very friendly and supporting. Take heart from that, and from the fact that you've got the best of all support groups here among us. There is wisdom and experience here to tap into. There is always someone online reading and responding to postings.

We're glad you're among us and looking forward to hearing more about your development as Diana.

Best regards,
Rhonda

I really hope the same about my phone. And no, the photos there were all photos of my everyday life and then fully dressed with make up on, in fact I think most of them were shots of my face. In any case, there was no compromising pics aside from the girly look. No nudity or explicit anything so I think I'll be fine.

I know I'm paranoid and eager to talk about my experiences. I did some crazy things but nothing bad has come from them so now I'm trying to calm down and think every step. You all have been so therapeutic without even knowing I existed. And women, yes, they have been lovely. It's beautiful to find out how wrong I was. I thought they would loath me, in truth. I no longer suffer because of that, I know I will be treated badly eventually, I'll go through it.

Glad your finding your self - you are very pretty, keep posting and join the fray...................Debra

Hi Diana,

Welcome to this wonderful thing we do. I am so glad you were able to find yourself and share that little journey with us. You are absolutely gorgeous sweetie and will have no trouble blending when out "en femme". Enjoy yourself.

Hugs

Isha

Hi Diana and welcome. Funny how we all think we are unique only to find thousands of other cross dressers here. Thank God for the internet. For your post, I can see you are in the pink fog right now. That's normal after coming out. What will really amaze you is when the thrill turns into "normal." Try to remember that you dress for the occasion or event. Sometimes that might be a club but most times it is just life, groceries, lunch, shopping.

Take care,

Diana,
Looking at you I think you have a lot going for you so do not depair.
Look at all the wonderful things you can do dressed.

Hello Diana,

Oh, dear, I don't know what to say. I became teary eyed from sadness while reading the beginning of your story, then teary eyed with joy at the end.

I am so very thankful that you happened to find our little oasis in the desert. It is a place where like minded people can come to rest, share experiences, laugh, cry, complain, and feel the universal acceptance of our peers. As you have already discovered, there is a wealth of information in the forum. Take advantage of it and learn from it. Ask any questions you may have. There is a very good chance that 20 others will provide answers from their own personal experience.

Like a child in a candy store, it is tempting and very easy to go too far. You seem to have recognized that, and are exercising self control. Very good.

Best wishes
MsVal
I hope to read more from you in the future.

What an emotional story. Take your time , don't rush things. It's taken years for this to happen and you need to let it sink in. The world can be a scary place and not always friendly. You are among like minded people here and we all wish you well in discovering yourself. Keep reading and asking questions if you can't find an answer, there is always someone in a similar position or who has encountered the same issues on their path, who will give advice (and it's not always what you want to hear), but they are usually genuine answers.
Don't forget, pink fog can be scary, but fun.

Thank you girls. You are all amazing. This site is incredible. I realized this post was not appropriate for this section, with the long persnal story and the photos and everything, reading the rules. Won't happen again. Thank you for your kindness.

You help many many people, I'm certain.

Kisses.

Hell-o Diana, First off, WOW! you look great. Secondly, how wonderful it is to hear a dating site can help a person love themselves.
Those emotions seem to overflow from us sometimes. I had questioned this when I first joined, what the heck? I never cried, or got emotional before in guy mode. I was quickly assured by the forum it was just my empathetic side coming out, completely harmless, if not helpful I figured. But like you, donning that wig, and looking in the mirror started a serious churning of emotions, tears of joy were flowing from how happy I was with my appearance, anger with myself for not pursuing this at an earlier age, imagining how much better I would be at all of this had I done so, and a bit of fear in wondering where it was going to lead now. But after purging everything several times ( which I'm OK with because the stuff I had at the time was pure crap ) only to have the feelings return with a vengeance this last time. I was lucky to find the forum to help me sort some of this out, realize the feelings never truly leave. We can suppress them for long periods of time, but they are still there. Enjoy your new found love of life, take it slow if it gets to be too much (it happens) .
Welcome to the forum.
Much Love,
Kristyn

Diana,

First... Welcome. I'm glad you found your way here. You are not alone with how you feel and I'm so happy you are starting to find out what makes you happy in this life.

Finding my true self and what makes me happy is part of what my journey has been about and still is. I hope you can find your path to happiness.

So take your time, be patient, enjoy the journey, read a lot, relax and most important... HAVE FUN!

Hugs,

Welcome Home Diana, Be beautiful and enjoy your new life!
Love KristyE

Hi Diana,

Things can be better, we promise.

You are not alone.

/hug

- MM

Love these photos you are so photogenic

Welcome Diana, hope you find acceptance here and in your personal life. Life is too short to not be able to live it to the fullest. You make a very pretty girl so have fun with it, anyone criticizing you is just being jealous. Many things you stated in your post we all have at times thought of, you are not alone. I am 58 now and wish that I had some things to do over in my life, things are getting better for us and hopefully you can find your own way in this fantastic journey called "LIFE"!!!!!

Hi Diana, Welcome to our forum when you are here you are home.

It really looks like you found yourself.