The time has come..

After forty years of marriage, the wife has finally pulled the plug. No, being a CD wasn't the only thing - but a main contributor. We are trying to get through this on as friendly of terms, but there are always spots of anger that jump in. She moved out a month ago and the divorce will be final in a few weeks.
With that being said.. my reason for posting is that we have two couples that are joint good friends. We will both stay friends with them and are not letting them get involved for that reason. But I do fear at some point in the future when the girls go out drinking my wife may let it slip that I am a CD. I hold these friendships in too high a regard to not be honest with them. If they find out this way it would certainly change the dynamics. It may anyway - no, not "may" but WILL change the dynamics. But if it does to the extent that I am no longer friends at least I will know in my heart I did come forward first and not continue to hide it from them.
So.. how to best approach them? I was thinking of tell them that I want an evening of their time and sit and explain. I know that in the past there have been people that gave spouses and friends letters explaining things. And these had very good info. I really don't feel like the letter thing - I'm more of a sit and explain type of person. But the info these letters had would be helpful. Any ideas on where these were located? Or any ideas how to approach them?
Usually I am level headed and can think these things out on my own, but I'm not really 100% these days.:sad:

I hate to be blunt but... "Or any ideas how to approach them?"

My advice is DON'T. Its likely the ladies [at least] already know. And if they don't, telling them makes YOU look guilty. And if the ladies know, it's likely their hubbies do too.

You do plan to tell them that your CDing was not responsible for the breakup? That seems akin to all the folks here who feel the need to jump into every gay or bi thread that comes along to proclaim they are NOT.

I say CONGRATS to you for being married for 40 years!

I am guessing you are 60ish? Unless you are one of those folks who thinks being 60ish means you will be in a wheelchair in 10 more years taking all your nourishment through a straw, keep your head up. There ARE tons of "more mature" [in Florida at least] ladies out there looking on tons of different websites but most are simply lonely and looking for typing buddies. "Good ones" can be found but it takes an awful lot of wading and slogging.

I am going thru a divorce as we speak myself after being with her almost 13 years. On my own and alone right now but since this happened i've been connecting with old friends and ones i already kept in touch with. I started a few days ago breaking the news about my crossdressing and I have been surprised at how many are being supportive telling me good for you as long as your happy that's all that matters. Since we both have a lot of the same friends from way back it could happen that she would spill the beans and i guess this was the push i needed to get rid of the stress of hiding it all the time. Even have some of the women telling me i can go thru their old clothes if i wanted. Everyone has their own experiences and yours made me feel like sharing what i am going thru right now..

A couple of years ago my spouse and I decided that it made sense for me to "come out" to our friends. Much as you seem to be thinking, we did it one-on-one with each couple. In our case we invited them out to dinner and told them. I do suspect that having my spouse there was a huge boost of "legitimacy" and at the moment you won't have that advantage, but if you do decide to do it then you very well may want to do it before your nearly ex-spouse does.

I guess our demeanour suggested that the nature of the talk was going to be serious because when I began my pre-thoughtout remarks each couple seemed to listen intently.

I began by saying "I have something important to tell you, but I'm not dying and I'm not gay."

That may sound bigoted or something but it was designed to get a bit of a laugh, which I felt was important at the beginning. I then went into the fact that I was transgendered, that I had been all of my life, and that since I was now out-and-about we thought it best to tell them rather than to run into them or some of their friends by surprise.

It seemed to work. We gave them the opportunity to freely ask questions and we engaged them in dialog so that they could speak their thoughts and thus become part of the process.

It worked well. Most of our friends, largely socially conservative, were fine with it. A couple indicated said that they very much appreciated our telling them, that, in fact, the honesty bonded us closer together, and a couple inicated that they simply would prefer not to meet me en femme but that they were not about to end our friendship now that they knew.

A couple of years later we still have all of our friends. A couple still do not want to be with me en femme but remain comfortable with us otherwise, and the majority are comfortable with us regardless of my presentation.

Only you can decide if you feel it is best for you and for them for you to "come out" to them, but if you decide to do so then hopefully I have offered you a thought on how we proceeded.

Hugs and all the best,
Persephone.

I may not be the best experience-wise on this, so take this with a grain of salt. but looking at Wild's and the others responses I'm thinking of the really only common denominator. The (ex)wife.
I'm kind of on the side that I agree that it would be better to do the explaining yourself about CDing. Only your talk would be able to really be informed, to be able to explain all the specifics about CD, and so forth in a good informative way.
While I don't presume to know how the wife would handle things, to be vindictive in any way or not.. I always think if there's drink involved then 'normal' restraints and filters may go out the window. And then the friends get a 'beer(or whatever) goggled' view of events which aren't a real truth or end up with an out-of-kilter view of things which would color all future discussion or interaction with them.

It isn't so much a matter of admission of guilt (I guess why I responded here). We are what we are. We don't just 'decide' to do this on a whim. It's easy to explain incompatibilities that occurred in any relationship. But CDing and transgender issues usually aren't thought of in the way of the personal life of the CD/TGer...and it seems better to get those facts out before rash judgements are made based on any harsh statements made by the other half.. Alcohol affected or not.
Then _you_ are in control of the notification/outing and the info presented.

That said, Persephone's last line (and whole post really) is appropriate.. And sounds like the way you were thinking/planning.
A meeting with the friends to 'explain my marriage situation, and a major personal situation I feel I need to make you aware of. It may or may not affect our friendship but.. ' I can't say about any letters and their info.. Not sure there's any specific way to state it. I would have presented the information out there, logically, fully explaining TG,GD and CDing. Then in your words what your story/history is with CD and it's impacts on yourself, on your emotional being. To press the point that CDing isn't just like having a 'hobby' that can be set aside. Then place that this uncontrollable aspect was what was a major player in the divorce,that she was unable to accept along with whatever info on any other parts you're both wanting to present (non CD related). Especially as it's friendly terms you're trying to do, then you should keep them in the know in general on the divorce generalities.

Then it will come down to what the friends decide to do with the information.

Hi Stephanie,

Sorry to hear about your marriage . . . divorce is never easy irrespective of the reasons. My response is predicated by the way I have dealt with friends and will continue to deal with friends. I prefer to tell them as I know that Isha will eventually get discovered and I don't want to go through that awkward moment of running into a close friend while dressed. So take this with a grain of salt because my situation may be fundamentally different from yours.

In telling someone you have to accept the consequences of your actions. That is information once released that can never be put back in the bottle. So I always look at how much I can trust the friend I am going to tell (does this mean they won't tell others, no, but it gives me a starting point). I prefer to do the telling in person and on my terms rather than have them sideswiped with rumour and conjecture. Letters are fine and I know "Jenniferathome" has a lovely letter she used to tell her wife (it is in her signature block) but I personally prefer one on one discussion as I can respond to questions and concerns in real time. How you tell them written or verbal is a personal choice I think.

If you plan to talk to them, I like the suggestion about a chat to discuss the state of your marriage and then let it transpire from there. Ease into the subject and give them time to process. Do be prepared for any reaction and don't take it personally if it goes bad. An immediate bad reaction might just be a kneejerk reaction to some very confusing news.

My final thought . . . do you truly believe your wife will spill the beans? If so, then I personally would prefer to do the telling from my side so they have both sides of the story. However, if she has no plans to tell them . . . is it necessary? I am not sure where you are discussion wise with your wife right now (friendly terms or not) but, you may want to ask her what she plans to do with her knowledge when it comes to mutual friends. You might be surprised that she has no desire to tell anyone.

Just my opinion for what it is worth.

Hugs

Isha

Hi Stephanie, I am sorry to hear about that I really hope that every thing works out for you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Stephanie Miller

I hold these friendships in too high a regard to not be honest with them.

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You can't control what a future ex says. But it's not being dishonest to tell your friends (if they are RUDE enough to ask why) that it's a private matter and you can still be friends with both.

Sorry to hear this also, Stephanie. Hopefully your friends will understand and remain true. Wishing you the best!

This is similar to, but perhaps less stressful than disclosing to a spouse. By getting ahead of it, you can have the advantage of a location, time, and context of your choosing. It may be helpful to have on hand some educational materials, or hyperlinks to those materials. It would be horrible if someone you care so much about learned about crossdressing from some of the unsavory places.

Best wishes
MsVal

My own experience is this: The vast majority of people don't want to be involved with crossdressers. Sure, they won't try to burn you at the stake; but that doesn't mean they consider crossdressing just another 'hobby'. Most people automatically consider us either gay, or just denying it to ourselves. The men in the relationship may avoid any one on one time with you, to avoid any suggestion that they have the potential to do the same as you are. The women while usually more tolerant, will usually also do things such as carefully avoid leaving you around any children, as again, most people consider us sexual deviants and dangerous to children (and as such, if anything happens to a child, you will automatically be considered person of interest #1 until proven otherwise). As far as the ladies already knowing, well, not necessarily; women usually don't want other women knowing that their husbands are crossdressers either; it's a suggestion that they made a bad choice in a partner. So your ex to be may not tell about you. Either way, as mentioned above, there's no reason to expose yourself as a crossdresser unless you have to. Remember, the odds ARE NOT IN YOUR FAVOR, no matter how much the pink fog may suggest that everything is just wonderful and everyone loves crossdressers, or that once they know you, they'll love you anyway. Unfortunately the world doesn't work that way, and if you intentionally out yourself, there's no going back. If your married friends are part of the rest of your social or business world, the word will spread and EVERYONE will know. Remember; always consider the WORST possible outcome, and if you can live happily with that, then go ahead. That means losing all your friends, having everyone at work know, all your relatives know, being considered a pervert by most of your society, and possibly becoming the first one to be considered expendable should there be layoffs at work.
Be careful. There's no turning back once you out yourself. The number of people who know a secret that can keep it a secret is ONE.

Hi Stephanie,

Your situation is very similar to what mine was a few years ago. We had been married almost 44 years when my wife announced that she was filing for a divorce. She had known of my CDing for many years and varied from supportive to hating. My CDing was only one factor contributing to the divorce. We, too, decided to keep it as friendly as we could for the sake of family and friends. My daughters and husbands were told about my CDing and were much more upset about the divorce (much to my wife's dismay).

We did not tell any of our friends about my CDing. My advice is to get your wife to agree that this is not something that they need to know about. The dynamics of the friendships will change enough as it is. That would just make them more different. Some friends may be OK with it but it is likely that some will not.

I do wish you the best.

Good friends will use this type of information as...well they won't, they will ignore it or say "so what?". Yu may have to field questions and although many here tell you to say "nunyabidness" I disagree, Answer as honest as possible, you don't have to give details but be upfront about it IF ASKED. Otherwise...ain't none their business. Good friends will not say anything anyway

I went through a quite bitter divorce many years ago... regardless of where fault, blame or responsibility lay, there were some folk who I thought would have remained friends simply didn't... Similar story with my wife and her divorce - some 'good friends' dropped her like a stone...

I'd spot Carole and Lexi as good advice to read and think about carefully... yes, you can choose your time and place to tell, but what if those friends decide for entirely irrational reasons (spoiler alert: People are irrational..) to be friends no longer... Again, more folk who now know, who don't need to know...

I'm certainly sorry for your situation - I understand a little of what you're going through and can empathise... and sometimes a valid reaction can be: If you're not sure, do nothing! :)

Katey x

i also went through a divorce after some 17 years. (20 years ago), Although we had agreed to remain friendly, my ex chose to trash me to just about everyone. (for the record, i did not speak ill of her, and only told my son of some things when he asked recently, he is 34). whatever former group of ours the ex was with, it became that activity or group that was the cause of the breakup. this totally backfired and most groups turned their back on her. they did not like the trash talk.

My advice is to say nothing, but be ready to respond if asked. Yes you may lose friends if she 'shares', but those people probably aren't friends anyway. Others may not want to know details like this and simply distance themselves away from her.

Many friends feel they need to choose sides in a divorce and many divorcing couples seem to want people on their 'side', if only to 'prove' their side. Its all garbage!

You may fight tooth and nail for this item or that item, but in six months it won't make a bit of difference! The fact you are here in the forums, should tell you that you are being true to yourself, understand anger and disdane, and have chosen a path towards self peace and self worth. Take strenth there, and allow the storm to pass. there are new friends, new adventures, and new self worth awaiting just around the corner.

i understand the pain, hurt, and yes terror you are going through right now, but you will survive, and you will be stronger on the other side. I'm sorry for the hurt you have. a divorce is like a death, you need to grieve, need to heal, need to move on. Hang in there girl, you will survive!

Stephanie, I am so sorry it has come to this for you. I agree with you that talking is the best way. Letters are good if you can't talk, but the back and forth of dialogue will always get a message through clearer. I wish you the best.

Sorry to hear of your break up. All of the above responses make good points.
No one can really predict how a 'friend' will respond to news that may shatter their concept of you.
If it were me, I would use e-mail rather than face to face. Mostly to not shock people and catch them off guard.
Let them digest the information and see how they want to interact with you after the news.
Once you let the cat out of the bag, you can't put it back.
You could end up loosing some friends, and their is a even a chance that you may deepen your friendship with another.
Good luck. Being forced to come out is not going to be fun.

I always knew this site had class. And here you all show it again. I want to thank everyone for the best wishes and helpful posts. I'm sure every one of them is correct if used on the correct person and the correct time. I will just have to dissect each friendship and approach each a little different I guess. Yes, I am trying to hold my head high and take the high road on all of it. There was enough blame to go around. After 40 years you're bound to create some. I really don't think she would spill the beans out of malice. It's just when people have a couple to drink they tend to babble.
I did "out" myself to one couple tonight. Semi new friends that would have hurt to loose, but not the end of the world type. Yet. They were quite shocked. But were also very curious and accepting. Spent about 2 hours on the patio with a question and answer period. We ended the night with them stating they would treat my male self as if there wasn't a Stephanie and would as well treat Stephanie as if there wasn't a male side. In fact I had earlier in the week invited them for a prime rib dinner (they know I'm a good cook and love to) up at the house and they thought it would be fun if Stephanie cooked it. Go figure. One small smile in a sea of tears.
I still am wondering what I'm going to end up doing with our very closest friends. I REALLY don't want to loose them.

My answer is different...Stephanie is a bigger part of you than perhaps you'll admit to. Own her,and be comfortable in the mainstream world as her,,Sure you can get judged,in your situation...What do you have to lose? Way more personal upside than down,in my opinion..

Letters are impersonal, the face to face approach is much better, you are able to gauge people's reactions more accurately.

Update: Still going through gallons of water because of tears from loosing wife. Damn this hurts :weep:.
And then the reality of being alone for a very long time does not bode well either. I read posts on here about constant rejection when telling new girlfriends about being CD. I know I cannot keep it a secret, and don't like the prospects of growing old and single. I'm too much of a people person.
But back to original post: I have decided NOT to tell our closest joint friends and just see where the chips fall. I think the relationship between those friends may be strained a bit anyway just being in the middle of this divorce. Only one of us will be able to go out with them at a time or be over at parties they throw as it is. This is just one additional thing that I think best to hold off as long as possible. If the cat gets out of the bag... I'll have to deal with it then I guess.

Haven't been online recently, but I have been through a bitter divorce. CD'ing was not the issue...not even sure she even knew. But, overall I think the best course of action is to let friends bring up the question 'why'. The then give them an honest answer from your perspective. If they have been 'briefed' by the ex, they will bring it up. If not, it's irrelevant. Just my take. You gotta be who you are anyway. That's where sanity resides.
Hugs,
Trish

Hi Stephanie, One thing that you will always have are your Special Friends right here.

Stephanie, It's like I tell the new ladies, When you are here You are home!

For what its worth I'm going to include my 2 cents here as well. For the present, I would say NOTHING!!!!!! If it's brought up then it would be your decision to "set the record straight", but keep this in mind, you would be on the defensive and that being said the defensive is not a good place to start. I too have been through a divorce (30 yrs ago) and my cd'ing was a factor but then again she was looking for a "good excuse" to initiate the proceeding. I am presently re-married (28 yrs) and my wife knows about my cd'ing (does not participate) and is not thrilled about it. I know the feeling(s) you are having but once the "dust settles" clearer actions will guide you.

Molly