Printable View
Hi all
Today i had a quarrel with my wife. We was disagree about something, but after 5 minutes my dressing was suddenly the hole problem. Later today I recieved an email with a link to a couple therapist from my wife. First I became angry, but after thinking for a while I thought that maybe this wasent such a bad idea. Mabye we could end up with another view on each other.
Have anybody here expierience with that and did you get anything usefull out of it ? :-)
Warn regards
Henriette
Make sure the Therapist has experience with Trans issue. Other wise it will be two agent one.
I got nothing out of therapy (not about crossdressing) but others say they have. I think it depends on the therapist and what you (and your wife) expect from it. If she is sending you to a therapist, you can be sure it is so that you can be "cured". If you're both going, it might help.
I've been seeing a therapist for several years now and have gained much from our time together.
Annaliese is absolutely right. Make sure the therapist has experience with Gender Issues otherwise you'll wind up educating the therapist and that's not what you're paying them for.
Also, if the therapist starts out by saying they'll "cure" you run as fast as your heels will allow. There ain't no such thing as we all know.
It should also be a good fit between the two of you. If you aren't comfortable or don't like the therapist then you're wasting your time and money. I was lucky on my first try but it isn't always that way.
Also, what does your wife expect you to get out of therapy? Does she expect this to "cure" you? If so, she's going to be very disappointed. My wife thought the therapist and I were scheming to start my transition and SRS. That couldn't have been farther from the truth but that is how she perceived it to begin with.
Don't be surprised if the therapist wants to also meet your wife. Mine did and it was a great experience.
You need to be asking some questions and maybe looking for other names before starting to see one.
I would have been happy if my spouse would have gone to sessions with me. A neutral party to mediate and to show how to develop new communications patterns based upon openness would have been a Good Thing.
However, be very wary of church-related therapists, as numerous religions are anti cross-dressing and anti-trans, not infrequently for pretty slim and hypocritical reasons.
Many years ago my wife and I had couples counselling - not for anything to do with my TG/CD feelings because those were in a 'dormant' period - but the counselling is good for helping two people work on the foundation of good communication.
Whether or not you would need a gender specialist in the first instance, I don't know... I'd suggest not necessarily... Might be worth using couples therapy to explore other areas of your relationship and take advice from that counsellor as to whether or not a gender therapist would help you... :)
My :2c:
Katey x
Couples counseling is generally a good thing (says the divorced guy) and like so many other things you get out of it in accordance with what you're willing to put in. If you're both willing to learn to communicate it will help a lot.
One of the things you'll learn about early is that the things you argue about are usually not the things that are causing problem. They're a symptom of a problem that you're (both) unwilling (or don't have the vocabulary) to discuss. The reason you fight about something else is that you or your partner is thinking "I'm not going to put up with <X> and this too!" 90% of the time <X> will catch you totally by surprise. It may even catch her by surprise because it's something that has never been expressed up to that point.
So it's actually a little positive that you argued about your cross-dressing -- that means she has the vocabulary and she's willing to confront that as an issue, so it's probably not THE issue.
Henriette, I once went to see a relationship counsellor, with my wife. In the end we both agreed it wasn't that helpful, but only because the counsellor seemed relatively inexperienced. So I'd agree with anyone who said it's best to get a good idea of the therapist's / counsellor's experience. I wouldn't go to someone who's just been qualified. Finding a couples therapist who has gender issues experience might be difficult.
But, in the end, if some mediated discussions get you talking reasonably about issues between you, then it can be a good thing.
Best of luck,
Christen x
I have great respect for therapy but I'm highly skeptical of therapists. If you get a good one and you both put forth the requisite effort, it can be a life changing event. If you get one that isn't so good or one who is pushing his/her own agenda, at best it won't help and at worst you find your life in pieces.
Your choice of therapist and the level of commitment you both have towards making this work will be the deciding factor on whether it will be of help or not. I wish you both all the best.
Hug
Rita
I have met a lot of therapists and usually they need the help but they can be a help to sort things out....................................Debra
As already said about couples therapy/marriage consultation, the wife and I had gone to see one (again, non CD related). Worst decision ever for us. It almost brought us to a divorce. This person was very one sided and did not at all hear (they listened but didn't hear) what we were going through. My wife even agreed that this "quack" took everything I said literal, and seemed to be very against men in general. I agree with finding out what your wife (and yourself) are looking to get out of therapy, find one that specializes in that field, and remember that not all therapists are created equal. Any therapist that is willing to, or quick to, point a finger and say you or her are the problem, should be avoided at all costs.
Because they are a therapist does not mean they are good at it, as others have said. But a good one can help a lot. Interview them the first time and dont feel obligated to go back. But even when you find a good one, it all depends on you and how honest you are willing to be and how hard you are willing to work at it. When its good, its amazing.
I think if your wife is prepared to offer suggestions you could at least talk about them or even try them.
My first experience with therapy was for marriage issues we were having. Nothing to do with dressing, as I was in the middle of my denial years. This 'counselor' was through a church. Our last visit, he really raked me over the coals. Beat me down as I've never been. He said, don't worry, I'm gonna give your wife just as much..... what he ended up doing was making her cry and he became her shoulder to cry on. I was never so mad in my life, and haven't been back.....(we ended up working our problems out between us and we're still married to this day)
Fast forward, and 14 years after I realized that TG issues would never leave me, I have finally made an appointment to see a therapist. I'm in the middle of conservative Texas, but have found a reputable gender counselor. I only hope things go well. I'm not saying I'm too good for counseling, but I never thought I'd consider seeing one for something I've lived my whole life dealing with.
Sorry, not trying to highjack the thread.
Kiva
:doll:
Henriette,
Unless both parties are prepared to participate it probably won't work ! So mine didn't work !
People of my generation in the UK are fairly sceptical of therapists but I'm not saying they don't work. Also be careful that a therapist doesn't try and suggest that you're something you're not ! I know your wife has suggested it to possibly help you but she may not like the suggestions that the therapist makes to try and help you !
Hi Henriette,
I don't have much to add beyond what has already been said . . . definitely a therapist who has worked with couples and trans issues is a must. As with any therapy, you only get out what you put in. If both you and your wife want to work towards understanding then it can't hurt. However, I would do some research on the therapist of choice before deciding to ensure she/he meets your needs as a couple.
Hugs
Isha
Therapy can be a solution in search of a problem. So what IS the problem, your dressing or the marriage? What is the objective to seeing a therapist? You should know before you go. If you have gender issues, go - by yourself, for yourself. If you have marriage issues, go for that, and they might want to see the two of you individually at times and together at times.
When my first wife discovered my crossdressing, she insisted we go to counseling, and I complied. The problem was that her objective was for me to be cured and my objective was for her to accept. Doomed to failure, and we eventually divorced.
Since your wife sent you a link to a couples therapist I would guess that she is being constructive. If both of you are receptive to the therapist then it might well be helpful to both of you. If either of you has preconceived notions about what the therapy will do for you then you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
Henriette - I have experience here.
For maybe 2-3 years, my wife and I visited a therapist for other issues we wee having -- mostly children related and our difference parenting techniques.
Then in September of last year, my wife discovered kelly and my dressing. Since then we have continued to see out therapist, except now, we talk a lot about my dressing and the effects of that on our lives / marriage.
In short, it has been extremely helpful -- both for me and my wife. It was HUGE for her to hear, from the therapist, things like there are a lot more men that dress than we know. And that doesnt mean your gay (that was her 1st question to me when she found out about this)
We are still seeing her and it still continues to be helpful
If you ever want to chat more and hear more about it, just reach for me
good luck
- kelly
Henriette, There two kinds of therapist , The one's that tell you want you want to hear,
And the one's that tell your wife what she wants to hear.
Choose wisely.
I agree with all the positive comments above, but make sure he/she is well trained and has experience in CD/TS issues.
I've gone to 3 different therapists: the first was good, the 2nd one fair, and the third one great. While the second one didn't really help very much, she was one my wife recommended, so I got points for trying. She immediately thought I was gay, which was a shock to me. But, as a good engineer, I ran some of my own experiments and decided that I wasn't gay. That was also helpful in my marital relationship. And she was excited to see me dressed every week, which was one of the reasons I went to see her as long as I did (2 months).
The last one was the only one who saw both of us, and she told neither of us all we wanted to hear. And somehow, she convinced my wife to move from intolerance to tolerance. I'm still hoping for acceptance in the future.
Hallo all
Thanks for all the great answers. :-)
Of what I can read out of all your comments, it might give positive results if the right therapist has knowledge to trans persons and also if the the therapist also can see the both sides. I think I will try the one that my wife suggested and see what is happening, maybe it could also give something positive to my wife.
Again thank you to all of you great people :-)
Hug and regards
Henriette
You get out of therapy in direct measure to what you put in. It's not as simple as having weekly lectures...it entails learning new ways of thinking and communicating. And that entails a great deal of work. But, if you put in the effort, it's worth it.