Todays view from the abyss

This weekend was supposed to be fun...

Friday night I 'frocked up', dialled up Amanda and we had a great time chatting until the wee hours, only stopping because she had a six hour drive later that morning. (OK so six hours is little more that a morning commute in her neck of the woods but...) We talked, we laughed, we sold every problem in the world and life was good, I was feeling good and I was even (IMHO) looking good!!!

Saturday night was the regular monthly group meeting, something I really look forward to and enjoy. 3:30 and I'm in the shower, plenty of time to ensure the best results are achieved, nothing to be rushed, everything to be done to the best of my abilities... Dinner was in the oven with the eldest son all set to finalise the meal after I left. The SO was all set for her night shift at work... An hour later and I'm laying out the final choices of 'ensemble' decided upon... Skinny jeans, boots and sweater dress - maybe... Denim skirt, low cut t-shirt and cardi - mmmm possibly!!! Maxi dress, heels and shrug - nice....

But the more I thought about it, the more I tried to decide what to wear, the stronger the feelings grew, feelings of WFT am I doing! This is not right!!! This is not me!!! For some reason I decided to fight this thing again (against the direct instructions of my psych / counsellor.)

So I'm sitting here now in drab. It's well past the start of the meeting, clothing decisions for the evening screwed up and thrown in the bottom of the wardrobe and enough wine consumed to ensure I'm not driving anywhere... I'm angry, I'm depressed, I'm going to get drunk and I know I should not be fighting but still I do... (Rushing to finish the wine coz last time I felt like this most of a good bottle of 08 Cab Merlot was flung across the room!!)

I know the mind set I get into is wrong, but I can't seem to stop once the slide downwards commences... Why is it that the more fun I have 'en femme', the more I resent it and feel the need to fight back? Oh well, back to the psych I go.

Definitely sucks to be me...

Donna

P.S.

I only hope I can still channel these emotions tomorrow... I have a fence to rip down and I'm sure the way I feel no power tools will be required.

Gosh Donna, this conflict isn't good for the skin, or any other major organs. Sounds like you need to back off for a good while, maybe just underdress, paint your toenails- retreat to the country cabin till the heat's off. Nowhere is it engraved in stone that you have to, or you don't have to, dress up like a woman.

Hugs and soothing hot drinks... pick up that macrame where you left off... re-runs of Dallas...

Anything to soothe the savage breast.

Nikki

Crikey Donna.. :bighug:

Make that sure that '08 Cabernet ends up in the right place..! :)

I think you've touched on your own nature before - the tendency to go 110% at everything - perhaps this is just another reaction to having everything you want from a feminine side, conflicting with another 110% from the boy side... I think some deep-delving with your counsellor is a good idea; beating the crap out of a fence probably isn't a bad one either... ;)

What any of us have to deal with is not easy... I've said before I think that anyone dealing with any sort of gender issue however minor or major must be one of the hardest to manage and try to make sense of... The pros don't really understand it - we don't understand it - our SOs for sure probably continue to think we're barmy even though they may love us through it... I don't have any answers for you - I do think you just need to be calm, be measured, go back to being all boy for a while and just try to pace yourself again.

It's worse for those of us who have to think about the 'why' and try to process the conflict of internal self (or selves) and how that fits with the massive pressure of society's gender structure - I wish I wasn't halfway round the world - I'd be happy to chin-wag over another bottle of the '08 cabernet but I'm not sure it'd be any more help! :)

Keep Calm and Carry On! Be good tonight and give that fence hell tomorrow... :D

Katey x

Hi Donna,

I feel your angst and have been there myself on a few occasions early in my journey. Same kind of thing, I have 100 percent latitude to dress as I please when I please. My therapist had told me to take the opportunity to find equilibrium and for the most part it worked fine then one day ... BAM . . .a "WTF are you doing" smack upside the head :eek:. I was partially dressed for a day out (make-up complete) clothing almost done and I looked at myself in the mirror and just fell in a heap of frustrated anger at myself. I grabbed a make-up wipe scrubbed clean, removed clothing put on PT gear and went for a 28 km run with my dogs . . . the whole time cursing myself and this thing we do. Naturally it was the key topic of discussion at my next therapy appointment. Now this was particular to me so I am not sure if it applies to you but my therapist told me that I had spent the greater part of my life defining myself as male and 32 of those years have been spent in a very uber masculine pursuit of all things military. Now along comes a feminine identity trying to make her way in the world and it is causing chaos and confusion among what I perceive as my identity (male) and this part of my identity (female). She told me there is bound to be some disruption from time to time and that may never go away. I do know the less I fought the female identity the "WTF moments" began to diminish and equilibrium was slowly achieved. Accepting this as part of me the same way I accept my male identities helped me immensely . . . are things perfect? Not by a long shot but they are getting there.

BTW . . . Cathartic release of frustration (i.e., ripping down the fence) a good stress releaser in these cases. :)

Hugs

Isha

Hi Donna, This doesn't sound good it worries me when I hear someone tell me something like this.

Maybe you need to step back and take a clear headed look at what's happening.

It's possible that you have moving way too fast with this program.:hugs:

I think those questions and that deeply seated self loathing need to be addressed with your therapist, really.

Having spent a fair amount of time wrestling with life's challenges myself, I have learned at least this much. The way we respond to anything...whether it's an external physical event, a passing negative thought, a comment by a friend or stranger...our response is a choice. The choice can be a habitual way of reacting, and in itself destructive.

For example, your passing thoughts...WTF, this isn't right...elicited this particular downward emotional spiral. You've no doubt spent a lifetime training your mind to respond to those recurring questions with the same self destructive emotions. You literally brought yourself down.

There is hope. We are not doomed to live as slaves to such conditioning. Just as you learned to respond to self doubts with a spiral of depressive thoughts, you can train your mind to go the other way. The WTF and why am I doing this and "this is wrong" thoughts can be countered, immediately, with real, honest positive facts.

What facts? Well, for starters, many GMs enjoy presenting as women. Precisely why is still unclear, but it seems that we are indeed born this way. Rather like being left handed. So, when you think ? WTF...immediately respond in your thoughts or aloud with "I was born this way."

When the it's not right thought pops up, dismiss it immediately with the facts: it's not a crime, I harm no one, I am happier when I allow myself to enjoy dressing as a woman, and I am a good person, a contributing member of society and this is my right, dammit!

The point really is that with practice and concerted effort you can take control of the inner dialogue or you can continue to let it control you.

I think a lot of us go through this Donna i know i do at times even though i pretty well aceppt myself .When it happens just try do to something else and leave it alone for awhile i know it might be a blown chance to dress but if you feel that upset it will not work .When you have the chance again im sure you will feel much better as long as you do not over think what you are doing :)

Hi Donna, All I can say is I feel your pain been there a hundred times. Like the other girls have stated backing off for a while usually helps calm things but unfortunately no cure. I know in these times we tend to purge don't! Just let things be and this rough patch will pass. Seana

Hello Donna,

I have been where you are (were, I hope). I'll go there again, almost inevitably, and I've been working to integrate myself for a good long while. I feel for you, but don't have any answers. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone, by any means.

Hey Donna, we all have ups and downs...programming vs. Our feelings is an ongoing conflict. Years of repression don't give up easily...like a lot of the other girls I've felt the same things. We all face the abyss at times. Ride out the storm and it will eventually pass...good luck.

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Originally Posted by goodnhose

Hi Donna, All I can say is I feel your pain been there a hundred times. Like the other girls have stated backing off for a while usually helps calm things but unfortunately no cure. I know in these times we tend to purge don't! Just let things be and this rough patch will pass. Seana

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Hi Donna,

Same thing here. I can't tell you how many times I've started to dress with all intentions of going out, or at least finishing, and having the same "WTF??" reaction. Maybe we all have? For me a lot of this went away when I finally accepted the fact that yes, I am me and yes, I am transgendered (CD, not TS) and yes, I can go out and be treated as the person I am. But this did not happen overnight.

As far as a "cure" goes, I'm not sure we can "cure" something that is part of us. Accepting it and finding the good balance -- difficult as that sometimes is -- may be the best we can do.

Of course you had a WTF moment, after all there is no logical, sensible, reasonable, reason we dress in the clothes of the opposite gender.
But then it's not about logic, it's about feelings. I've been there, thankfully not for a long time. I've repaired Sheet rock walls that got in the way of my anger, and frustration, and let it ruin a few good friendships, and I never stopped having those feelings until after I came out to my wife, and in time she convinced me, what I was doing was no big deal, hurt no one, made me a much happier person, and there for easier to live with.
Peace of mind, only came with self acceptance, and I'll admit, that didn't come easy.

My heart goes out to you, Donna. I've been where you're at, and to say it's not fun is an epic understatement.
Though your therapist is surely more qualified, there are two practical pieces of advice I can give you from personal experience (one of which may be questionably legal depending on how things are where you live):

1) the pendulum stops swinging back to the abyss when you really and truly finally make peace with yourself.

A friend said something to me once (in a completely unrelated conversation, but it applies). He said "Dogs eat eachother's poo. To us it's disgusting, but to them, it's completely normal, and it'd be abnormal if they didn't". I didn't stop riding that rollercoaster until I was able to understand that beyond a logical level ... at a completely emotional level. For me, this is normal, and it'd be abnormal if I wasn't this way (crossdressing, not the poo thing, LOL).

2) alcohol is poison.
there are much healthier, safer, psychologically and emotionally less damaging ways to chemically alter your mood when you need to.
ask some local hippies or any of your friends who are in a rock n' roll band. Just beware of anything that doesn't grow naturally out of the earth. you don't wanna mess with that stuff.

For many years I had similar episodes. Worked really hard to fight this thing and had so many WTF moments. Even went for all the Uber-macho pursuits, including what my wife deemed as the most "damn deadly dangerous" things a man could do (think base jumping, running of the bulls, et al.) At some point I found myself and learned to be OK with me, however unconventional and weird that happened to be.

Hugs, and best wishes for you finding the peace you seek.

I have gone thru that many times Donna.
If the drive to dress isn't there at that time it just isn't.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kimdl93

I think those questions and that deeply seated self loathing need to be addressed with your therapist, really....

...What facts? Well, for starters, many GMs enjoy presenting as women. Precisely why is still unclear, but it seems that we are indeed born this way. Rather like being left handed. So, when you think ? WTF...immediately respond in your thoughts or aloud with "I was born this way." ....

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Along with the rest of kimdl93's excellent advice, I'll also offer an alternative to "WTF", and call it "WTFN"..."WhyTFNot"?

I hope you gave that fence a whuppin'! And I hope you save your whuppins for inanimate objects, and not yourself!

Pulling for ya...

Jaye

Donna, A number of us have the "love/hate" relationship with our lady side, and dressing as a woman. I am going to my therapist at the veterans clinic Monday. So far, we are not getting anywhere! My male Christian, blue collar, athlete, bipolar. grease and dirt side still is quite ashamed that i want to dress as a lady, and be seen in public, though it means ridicule, like i have had from my dad and older brothers. Part of me wants to be John Wayne. Another side wants to present as Julie Newmar, or a Cheryl Tiegs! That rough and tough man in us still fights the lady side, big time. It sounds like the "love her/hate her" conflict, toward the dressing as Donna in you. Maybe best to leave Donna in the bags, or dresser for a while. I have not been Alice for weeks now, had counted on going out Holloween for sure. NOT! One day at a time.best wishes for a profitable therapy session!

No words of wisdom or anything here. I just want to say, please, take care of yourself! You seem pretty cool from your various threads, like a good and worthwhile person. Best wishes!

Donna, maybe it's your subconscious recognising you're not two people and its trying to mesh these two 'sides' of you together rather than having two distinct entities running your life? Perhaps working on bringing Donna's elements into your everyday life, and not necessarily the aesthetic stuff but all the other femme things she brings, will help you find peace?

I often imagine this moment must surely come for all men who crossdress?

Donna,
When you get these feelings it does suck and you have to man up and put on a skirt.

I can't describe how many hours I have spent having soul destroying thoughts like yours.

Donna,
You appear to have gone into meltdown since Amanda's visit !
I just wonder if you've burnt yourself with the excesses of that or it touched on a part of you that maybe you didn't think existed ?
I know you made a comment about toning things down after a work friend of your wife pointed out her concerns for you !

The tough guy side of you or living up to it does appear to be causing you some conflict now ! Perhaps you need a total change of work environment to bring you closer to the Donna side of you, that part is never going away no matter what you wear !!