Trying to find the courage
Heck, it's so hard to even talk about this, I am so terrified that I'm even afraid that you may actually give me the courage I need and I will actually have to come out to my family.
See, I actually did come out to my parents about six years ago, but it was when I thought I was intergendered.
It wasn't planned, I was visiting them (I was living abroad) and my mother noticed my hairless body and long, polished fingernails. When we were out having an icecream with my dad, she casually asked if it had anything to do with sexuality and I then told her what it actually was.
Their reaction couldn't have been worst. From telling me I should be institutionalized, to saying if I was both man and woman I was attracted to women and men, and that meant I had unprotected sex with every man and every woman out there. Perfect logic, right? Oh, and there was also the part where I was a transvestite and I was dooming myself to live in the margins of society and become a prostitute (despite that I had a job with a respectable salary in a multinational company that was actually a pioneer in LGBT friendly workplaces, and I already dressed androginously to work and was out to a lot of people and nobody minded). Lots of crying and yelling followed once we returned home, and of course the guilttrip inducing "why are you doing this to us?".
Next morning I went back to Argentina, where I lived, and since then the issue was never mentioned again, it was as if the conversation had never taken place. I didn't dare telling anyone else in the family. It was kind of a DADT, which was easy to keep as I lived abroad, but at the same time, and assisted by that fact, drove me farther and farther away from them. It wasn't helped by my parents still ongoing tendency to want to have a say in every decision I made, despite being financially independant, literally up to the clothes I wore (even masculine clothes, my mother would think she had to approve them). I allowed that tendency to go on for too long, by sometimes let them influence some big decisions, and never going far enough in my attempts to make it clear that I didn't appreciate unsolicited advise (when I tried to, it was interpreted as if I was saying they were the worst parents of the earth and the lowest scum).
Fast forward to last year, already mentioned in my reintroduction thread a couple of days ago, I had quit that job, switched careers to something I was satisfied doing, and I found myself admitting I am really trans, not just intergendered. I had also moved back to Uruguay for a while, before moving somewhee else, or just packing a backpack and taking off to be a nomad for a few years (I ended up doung the latter), but I couldn't just tell them those were my plans, for I knew what their reaction would be. I wanted to do this trip for many reasons, from knowing different places to a spiritual journey, and including taking distance from everyone that knew me and had expectations about who I had to be, so I could find the right moment and the right way to transition. Still my father found out the vacations I was planning weren't exactly that, and tried to persuade me ("you're going to a big country it's dangerous" whatever that means) but didn't tell my mother.
Finally this last April I left "for two weeks" and extended it bit by bit, until they realized I have no plans to return anytime soon. I've kept contact with them to a minimum, only a short e-mail every week or two. Not essencially different from how our communication already was.
A while later two months ago, I felt ready to go 24/7 and it has been great. Yes, I get misgendered sometimes (brazilians seem to be blind to skirts, and so unaware of other cultures that they believe regular skirts - not even remotely looking like a kilt - can be typical masculine clothes of any country), I get some stares, but nothing significant. I've decided to stay for a few months in the city where I transitioned (again, for me transitioning refers to living 24/7 as a woman, I can't afford surgeries right now, by choice), have made some great friends here, and I'm living and working at an inn, where I get along greeat with staff and guests (and I even got some beautiful clothes from one of the cooks and from an adorable guest!).
Still, I can't find the way to tell my family, at first because my father had to get surgery to remove a benign tumour from his colon (and is still recovering) and also because I know how my parents will react. Or I think I do... Recently, in their emails, they started saying they were happy that I was with people that loved me and having a good time, and offered to buy me two way tickets so I can spend the holidays with them and then come back to where I am now, like if they're finally accepting one of my decisions because I proved them it's possible to travel with little money and to make more than a little money without stable employement.
I have an older brother and an older sister, both married and with kids. My brother lives in the US. They are quite older than me, so while my relationship with them isn't bad, we're just not close. I think they may react different to my parents, but I really have no clue. I'm thinking of writing to them
As for the rest of my family... It's a large family, some I know will hate me, some I know will support me, and some I can't predict. And then there's my 97 years old grandfather and 94 year old grandmother, to whom I know my mother will not want me to tell.
I've been making up excuses to postpone writing to my brother and sister. And I've already come to terms with the fact that if my parents react the same way again I will sever the relationship with them (and the whole family), because I don't want and don't need that in my life (their, specially my mother's, disapproval of every choice I've ever made, even after telling her many times how bad it was for me, got me to that point). Still, I'm terrified of facing that beast again...
I have met some very supportive people here, but none of them had to go through this.
