Where am I going with this?

I'm not sure. I guess this is a re-introduction of me. My crossdressing first started at age 5. I started borrowing(stealing) my sisters dresses, sneaking out back and putting them on. I felt exhilarated. I was only 5 but at the time, I felt good.
My next experience with dressing was when I was 15. My mom had a bunch of clothes in our basement, and I would go down and put some on and masturbate. I didn't really have any idea at the time that anything was wrong..
Then when I was 20, I was sent off to prison. I was a bad boy. While in prison, I started to fashion my own clothes. BAD IDEA!. Once I was caught, I got gang raped a couple times. When I finally stood up for myself and put a couple guys in the hospital, they left me alone. (once I got out of solitary confinement)

Well, here it is 40 some years later and I still have the desire to crossdress. I'm 61, or will be in a couple days. My first ex wife has said she accepts, but doesn't want to see it. My 2nd and 3rd wife I have no contact with. (thank whoever). My current wife accepts, but doesn't really approve.. she just lets me be me. My daughter embraces it. She seems to be the only one that I can talk to and not be embarrassed with. Oh yeah, my next door neighbor lady, she helps with my makeup and such, but her husband is a bother.

I really don't have any male friends, the ones I had are such homophobes, that they want nothing to do with me, and as such they weren't friends after all. So be it.
So, where am I going with this? I would just like to be accepted for who and what I am. I'm tired of being judged only by the clothes I wear.
I know that it is a double standard, that we are judged by the clothes we wear, but with patience, and perseverance we just might achieve.

Donniesr,
Hitting your sixties does throw up some thoughts on where am I going ! It starts to hit you that you're running out of time and if you have to accept and live with CDing then hiding in closets and behind curtains begins to look stupid !
I'm sorry that despite being married several times you haven't found a partner that will fully accept it. You're lucky that your daughter gives you some support but try not to burden her with it too much, don't forget she has her own life to lead possibly with her own set of problems !
I can only give my thoughts on transition, if that is a possible outcome. I felt I was going to sacrifice too much of my life in belief of happiness ! I do believe now though that most CDers cannot answer 100% that they hadn't considered a transition lifestyle !
You have to accept you have a female trait that isn't going away and it has demands which are sometimes hard to ignore ! This is what I'm telling people now, I believe it, whether they choose to or not is not my problem !

Hi Donniesr,

I am sorry to hear about your angst and I think many hear can sympathize with the "where is all this going" feeling. My suggestion is that you continue exploring yourself in a way which is comfortable. If that means dressing at home then so be it. If you feel you need to go out and be you then that is a decision for you to make . . . self acceptance of who you are is a big requirement (I get the feeling that you do accept yourself as is). In the interim, nurture your relationship with your daughter who accepts you as is . . . she can be your conduit to understanding and growing.

Hugs

Isha

Maybe by now, having spent 56 years doing what you want despite what other people think you could just decide that it doesn't really matter whether they accept you for who and what you are. You have lived your life violating the rules of the Boys and Girls Club because you know, from personal experience, that those rules don't make any sense. But how likely is it that the homophobes and the gender absolutists around you will change their minds? Not very likely? it doesn't look like either you or they will change.

Why bother with them? Find friends and family like your daughter who do accept you as you are.

We are here and we are out there and we do approve and accept you as you are.

I am 60 years old and have never arrived at the place where I can even want people to accept me. I am totally in the closet and have no intention of getting out. I have no doubt that my wife would not reject me, but I have no interest in putting her in the position to have to deal with it. My priority in the relationship is to make sure she feels loved. I just make sure my shit doesn't interfere with that. Having said that, over the years I have noticed that as common as it is for cross dressers to worry about what others think about them, remember that this is exactly what these others are going through as well. Most people are worried about being accepted themselves. So if we can't accept them then how do we justify being bothered if they don't accept us? I have been seen by people while dressed up and know full well that I do not pass, but what they think about it is their problem, not mine. But that's just me talking. I hope it has provided some food for thought. We are all in our own circumstances.

I guess what I was trying to say is that if non cross dressers have a problem accepting cross dressing then what's the harm in showing some understanding for their struggles? I mean, didn't we all struggle with it ourselves and some still do? I'm all for cutting them some slack and saying..I totally get it, sorry you feel that way, hope you get over it, sorry if you can't.

Thank you all for your words of understanding and support. I guess like Carolina said, I need to find friends that understand and accept, and never mind those that don't. Its not my fault they are like they are, and its not their fault that I am like I am. I just wish the best for all.

BTW... Merry Christmas to all, and may the coming new year be a happy one..

Donnie,

I think we all struggle with aspects of this condition... It's easier for some of us who don't have such pressure to keep the gremlins in the background, but at least you have a tolerant wife and a couple of people you can share it with - so that has to be a Good Thing, right..? :)

Good luck with your patience and perseverance - sometimes it can be all we need and often it's all we have.. :thinking:

Katey x

You are a gem, Katey. I have enjoyed reading things you have to say.