Learning to live with it...

Hi all!

I hope this new year is rocking for you as it is for me :D

I wanted to know your opinion and advice...

I told my GF a couple months ago that I like to use girly clothes... it was cool because she even got kinda turned on. She helped me buying some clothes, shoes and accessories. The last quarter of 2014 was kind of complex because I had to work and then study at the university during the night. That split us apart a little. There were some other kind of family issues (not necessary to talk about it) that affected her a lot.

I started trying to release the stress by my own means, like getting into another music band (heavy metal to be precise) and well... after telling her about my crossdressing habits, I felt like a rush going through my whole self, and I wanted to explore deeper and faster into this facet of my soul. The problem was that while this was happening to me -and I'm talking about since I found this community and felt so encouraged to embrace this lifestyle- she went on a trip with her parents and we almost could not talk at all. Then she came and found a very different (??) Hugo, more femme-mannered, kind of a metro-sexual dude! I told her about me getting new makeup, shaving all my body hair (except for my arms) and getting an appointment for laser hair removal on the face. Oh! and adopting GABRIELA as my female name.

Maybe I didn't consider her reactions at the moment, I don't know if I was selfish for changing in that abrupt way in such a short time! The thing is that now she's confused. She thinks of Gabriela as if this character was a new person trying to get into our relationship... she feels jealous about it. I try to tell her that she has nothing to fear, that Hugo is the main part of my life, that I love myself as a man and I wouldn't wanna take this as further as it might get, because I don't want to suffer as much as many other TG people have, and mostly because I don't want to be a woman... I don't even care if I don't pass as a girl, but I do love to dress like one, and have a good impression of the work I do for it and if I go out I don't want people to see a disarranged dude, but a person who makes a good effort to be happy and beautiful.

I had plans to go out in public in daytime with my GF last Sunday. She couldn't join me because she had to stay with her partents, so I asked if I could go on my own, and she said she was OK with it. So I did go in the afternoon to a mall in San José and it went pretty well for me indeed. I'll tell you all about it in another post. What happened with this was that after chatting with her on whatsapp for a while, I sent her some photographs of my outfit that day... she replied nothing, not even a "hey! you look good!"... it felt so disappointing...

My GF is not so easy-going when it comes to changes, and she has made me feel that I'm putting her through a lot of that. She says she doesn't want me to deny my feminine side, and she is doing an effort to accept me, but she definitely doesn't feel attracted to Gabriela at all. I mean, she looks at Gabby and sees another person, not Hugo. I know this is not only about me, and I also need to be supportive and comprehensive to her, and try to help her know if she'll be able to stick around a person with this likes...

I love her and I don't wanna lose her! I don't wanna stop CDing 'cause it's something that I hid for my whole life and I don't wanna hide anymore. I don't intend to present Gabby to my in laws or my family... I'm trying to make her understand that family is the most important thing for me, and I need to balance it with my Gabby side too. But she says she's afraid of how far this can get.

She says she's totally ignorant about CDing and she doesn't understand a lot of what I tell her about me and even about the things I read and the support I get in this site. I don't wanna push her a lot into coming here or going to a couple therapist either. I prefer to wait until she's ready.

I'm so afraid of losing my GF. We got so much plans together and I don't want that a part of me that doesn't intend to be bad and hurt anyone, ends up being the cause of death of my relationship with such an important person for me. I know many of you have gone through really harder situations, so I thought maybe you could give Hugo and Gabriela some help! HELP!

Hugs!
Gabriela and Hugo :)

Gabriela, difficult to know your situation well after just a few paragraphs. But seems to me it was too much, too fast on your part. She's struggling to wrap her head around everything that you've revealed to her, all at once. If you're spending a lot of time by yourself, en femme and loving what you see in the mirror, don't be surprised if she gets jealous. Jealousy and anxiety about what's going on with you = possible withdrawal on her part. I could be wrong, but I think the part about her not joining you in public en femme speaks volumes...

Yeah... I know she's not comfortable with it... she says she doesn't want to hold my hand or kiss or hug in public, but I'm totally fine with that. I don't want her to be the object of morbid looks, that wouldn't be fair to her! She'd be making a sacrifice for me.

Gabriela, there is a need to slow down, let her try to catch up with you, she may never be able to, you have to to be you, and only time will tell, if she is willing to be on this journey with you.

Hi Gabby,

IMO you need to give your GF time to acclimate and synthesize the two sides of you. She probably thinks of you as two people because that is how she sees you. You need to show her that Gaby or Hugo, you are still you. In my own experience with my wife, she has seen me dressed "en femme" but our intimate time, be it going to a movie, dinner, shopping or that other aspect (which I won't go into :heehee:) is always "boy me". She is fine with Isha and allows me the latitude to explore that side of me in whatever way I see fit (out in public or private) but I make sure she knows "boy me" is still there for her.

The other aspect is communication. Sit your lovely GF down and talk about it. Ask her if seeing you dressed is too hard. Decide on some mutually agreed upon boundaries when it comes to dressing and keep talking. It may be that she may not ever be comfortable in a more intimate relationship with Gaby and you can't fault her for that. However, Hugo is still there so let her see Hugo now and then when it comes to that part of your relationship. :)

Hugs

Isha

Gabriela, I read your profile and some prior posts. It seems to me that you are "just a CDer", that is, one who identifies as a guy and enjoys that life, but likes to dress up and and enjoy being girly sometimes, and not someone struggling with a feminine identity and dressing to conform to that identity. Assuming that:
My wife is accepting and supportive, but rather indifferent about MY crossdressing. She's not into it, not excited by it, but she knows about it, why I do it, how much I do it, and doesn't mind if I dress when she's around or not. I am careful to respect that, and I understand that the relationship may change (not for the better) if I needed her to participate, see me as her girlfriend, go out together, bring Nicole to our bed, etc. So I see crossdressing as my thing, not hers, and by keeping my crossdressing compartmentalized, she's not threatened by it.
Puzzling to me: is Hugo really who you are, or some split-the difference character that makes your transition to feminine less of a leap? Many of us who have accepting wives have found that when not crossdressing, just being our normal guy selves is reassuring.

Thank you for your advice! I'm starting to understand what you guys are saying :) I must give her space and time then, be communicative and try to find boundaries for this. Not putting any pressure on her seems to be the most important part! Obviously the ideal scenario for me would be having an outing partner, and someone who loves Gabby as much as I do, but hey! You can't have it all! I guess you just have to be grateful for the person who you have to share your life with, always that there's mutual respect :)

Nicole. Hugo is who I am since birth, hehe!

Thanks again!

Well I am no expert, but it sounds like your going in high speed. I know it is very overwhelming when this life changing freedom your experiencing is happening. But sometimes we never stop and look around how it affects people around us. After joining here, which was the best thing that ever happened to me, I had never owned a wig or make- up or owned my own jewellery, when I started getting all these things my wife started to see Maria actually evolving into a real women and after being married for thirty years you can tell when a person wasn't handling the change. Just like yourself my wife is the love of my life and the only person who knows about my dressing and has always accepted from day one. Not wanting to choose I wanted the best of both worlds, either thing wouldn't be great without the other. I took a step back and slowed things down and introduced things at a slower rate and she seemed to handle things much better. Just another angle, but then again I did say I wasn't a expert. Just a life experience, you get a lot of that when you belong to this community. Keep us up to date.

Distill your post to its essentials... A) how you feel about the two of you as a couple, b) how important she is to you as a person and c) how important her support and sharing your feminine nature is to you. And let her know there is no Gabriela...only you, regardless of how you dress.

Gabriela, that's a very heartfelt and candid outpouring of conflicted emotions, and on many levels, I feel for you and your GF as you try to navigate through all these mixed feelings about your transgenderism/crossdressing while wondering if the relationship can withstand these challenges.

But I have to be honest - your credibility in terms of your avowed commitment to preserving the "male" side of your personality despite the other direction your gender dysphoria is pulling you in suffered a serious setback in my eyes when you mentioned that you had made an appointment to start laser hair removal treatments on your face. That's a pretty serious departure from "run-of-the mill" crossdressing" and a physical change to your body that is irreversible. True, many men nowadays favor the hair-free look for aesthetic reasons (sometimes their wives and SO's do as well), but they typically focus on their arms, chests, backs, butts, and sometimes legs, but rarely the face. That is typically the preserve of CDers who want to live as women full-time (or close to it), or else pre-op TS individuals - and that is usually accompanied by the desire to start HRT (hormone replacement therapy) as well to help feminize the face and body further. The fact that you are focusing on your face only for such permanent hair removal would suggest that you are deeply committed to "passing" fully and are more TS than simply TG, but have not been able to admit that to yourself yet.

Nothing wrong with that in principle, and everyone within our community eventually finds their own place on the TG spectrum where they feel the most comfortable. You are clearly still in the process of discovering your "true" self, and being as young as you still are, that's perfectly understandable. But if you are still so confused about all this, no wonder that your GF is as well - and likely even more so. You have presented her with an immense challenge, and are proceeding way too fast for her comfort level.

I see some serious relationship issues in your future if you continue to proceed blindly down this path as you have been doing so far, and I would strongly suggest that you see a therapist who specializes in gender dysphoria to help you sort all of this out - both for your sake, as well as that of your GF.

My first thought when reading this was the same: perhaps you are moving too quickly with it. I would take it slower, perhaps it will work out fine.
Just give it time. I hope it works out well for you! :)

Hi friends!
Thank you so much for your help! I think this is something that many of us pass through at some point, so I hope this thread also works for other people to understand what it means to open up with your SO and what you can and cannot expect.
My GF and I habe been talking a lot. I finally managed to explain her what this changed meant to me and why they happened so fast. We both seem to be taking things slowly and peacefully now. I will definitely be more communicative and patient. She'll do the same. Finally I feel I'm starting to learn hiw to live with it :)
I don't know when we'll be able to spend time together with me en femme, or if it will happen at all, but I don't mean to put any pressure on her. I just want her to be confident in my love for her. CDing is my thing, and I want to enjoy it in a healthy way, so if she wants to join me at some point, then great! If not, I'll try to be cool with it to. She says she accepts it, and that is enough for me, so I'll wait to see how things work out for us.
Big hugs and lots of peace!
Hugo and Gabriela