Irreconcilable Differences and Divorce . . . .

Irreconcilable differences.

This is the reason my now ex-spouse cited when she filed for divorce against me several months ago.

As a couple, we had been each other’s best friend and had loved the other for about twenty years.

Regardless of the history we previously had together, the memories and good times we shared as a couple, and the ten year old daughter we parent, it wasn’t enough.

In the end, irreconcilable differences cropped up and inserted its disruptive head right smack in between my wife and I, and sucked all of the life from our marriage.

So my wife did what many others do when a marriage turns sour for at least one of the parties – she filed for divorce.

And earlier today, before a hearing in front of the judge assigned our case in family court, our lawyers got together and did what lawyers do when the parties involved are motivated – they worked out a deal that everyone could ultimately agree to.

With agreement in hand, we thereafter appeared before the judge, placed the agreement on the record, and requested the court accept the agreement and grant the divorce.

After consideration of abbreviated testimony, the judge was satisfied that the agreement was in the best interests of the parties and – most importantly to me – in the best interest of our ten year old daughter. As such, the judge granted the petition for divorce on the basis of what my wife had requested – that of irreconcilable differences.

Of course, in this matter, the legal term “irreconcilable differences” is exclusively defined within the context of my transition.

In this regard, but for my transition, irreconcilable differences do not exist within the marriage, and the status quo (along with the marriage itself) would otherwise have been maintained. So yet again, another marriage bites the dust and goes down in flames as a result of the treatment of severe gender dysphoria.

But that’s okay, because as difficult and painful as this has been, my now ex-wife did not sign up for this. I do not begrudge her the divorce. Sure, perhaps the two of us could have done things differently that could have made the process somewhat easier or less brutal, but maybe that simply was never a possibility to begin with.

Because the reality is that my wife was extraordinarily hurt, angry, and extremely bitter over the fact that her husband Greg was no more and had been secretly replaced by Folger’s Anne crystals. So in that regard, I think we both did well to get this behind us both so we can both move on and remain the best parents that we can be to our daughter.

And even though the true reality and significance of my divorce after a twenty year relationship has undoubtedly yet to hit me in earnest, as much as my wife needed to move on and take ownership of her life outside of our marriage, so did I.

The truth of the matter is that my womanhood, as I need to live and experience it through my transition, was simply incompatible with marriage as it existed between my wife and I. Like so many other marriages where one partner embarks on the difficult and rocky road of transition, my marriage was doomed from the very beginning. I just didn’t know it and couldn’t see it at the time, nor could my wife.

In essence, this is nothing more than Basic Tranny Collateral Damage 101. My story is far more the norm than the exception.

Still, for me, what it now means is that from here on out, my life is my own, and it’s my life to live.

Whether I succeed spectacularly or fail miserably, I will do so as the real and authentic me. And regardless of the outcome, this is exactly how it needs to be, and I would have it no other way at this point in my transition.

I need this. I need me. I need to be me. And I am me.

Now I have the opportunity to prove to the world that I am no joke, that I am a real, honest-to-goodness woman, and that I can make do and live MY life as I need to.

So it’s game on, my friends. Game totally f’ing ON, and I aim to win it!!!

Irreconcilable differences, though.

Damn. It’s gonna be a hard pill to swallow for some time to come I have no doubt . . . .

Sigh.

Oh, and just to throw it out there and give credit where credit is due, the family court judge did use the appropriate title (Ms.) and the appropriate female pronouns when addressing me and referring to me. Which was an unexpected breath of fresh air considering the jurisdiction and venue of the proceeding was located here in good ole West Virginia. But progress is progress is progress, and such a thing must surely evince at least some small modicum of progress, if not more. Still, it was a pleasant (and validating) surprise . . . .

Well, Ms Anne, life goes on. I know the feelings from personal experience. My first marriage, coincidentally, collapsed at the 20 year mark. As little as 18 months before I wouldn't have thought it possible. The differences, different from those you and your ex faced, proved equally irreconcilable, and now so many years later, still haunt me. Though haunted, life has been good. Different and full of surprises, but good. I hope the best for you.

Anne, I find this extremely sad. The ending of any marriage is a terrible thing to me, no matter the circumstances. Given that it had no hope for moving forward, I am happy that it was able to end here so that you can move on and enter the next chapter. I have seen some divorces stretch out for long periods of time and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So today, you can remember what was and tomorrow, celebrate what will be.

Make absolutely no mistake, Sue. This *is* sad. But it is what it is, and it didn't just happen overnight or for lack of trying. And going through this experience has been one of the worst experiences of not only my life, but that of my ex-wife's. The pain, the hurt, the confusion, the inability to understand this, the loss, the fear, and soooo many other feelings and emotions have torn my wife's life completely upside down and apart.

She will have much healing to do, and it will take awhile I am sure. It's unfortunate. It sucks for her. It sucks for me. It's sucks for our daughter. And I hate, hate, hate that they have had to go through any of this.

But it's done now. The adversarial nature of it, the attacks, the hatred, the desire to hurt and or retaliate in kind - none of these things are productive, and none of these things serve our daughter well.

So yeah, it's great that we have resolved this relatively quickly and in a manner that will keep the proceedings from degenerating any lower.

Still, it's with a heavy heart that I think we will both be moving on. Neither one of us wanted this. We wanted it to work.

Irreconcilable differences, though. It just couldn't be worked out, so although in the here and now it's all shitty and sucky, there is at least hope and the potential for progress and improvement in the future. And really, if this divorce did not happen, the relationship would have declined further and become even more heated and hateful.

So sad that it is, I think it's also best that it happens now as opposed to later on done the road. Because it wasn't going to work out anyways . . .

Anne, I'm glad that your daughter was not used as a weapon against you. As a child, my mother used my sister and me in that manner. I know first hand the pain and anguish a child is put through.
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Hopefully you will be able to hold your head high and take on the world.

Hugs,

Leah

My first wife and I divorced almost 11+ years ago. Although we had a number of issues, a fairly significant one was my coming out as bisexual. On top of everything else, that was the straw that set in motion the events that would lead to the divorce.

What I remember was feeling very sad for a few months. When we divorced, we had been married for a bit over 30 years. Unless your relationship was just the worst, shared endeavor for so long tends to bind people together. In other words, it is hard to spend so much time together and not feel a great sense of loss or a void when you separate. It would seem to go against human nature.

DeeAnn

So sorry to here this. But u r a strong woman . I have seen this so much here. And i see this in my own home if i keep going. As of now iam trying to keep my crap together. For how long is any bodys guess. I here only take what she gives BUT how do u do that. I push and push and push. We all try to stop but once you get that feeling of your true self its hard to go back. I know how u feel for i have been there divorce is hard on all involved. time heals all wounds i know u have herd this and it hurts. Believe in your self we are here for u when u need to vent or just talk love cindy

Month by month I see your strength grow. As evidenced by your increasing eloquence, I see your clear thinking grow, too 😊

I for one will not cry for you, the real tragedy was watching the train wreak that was your marriage and being powerless to do something about it!
instead I will congratulate you on beginning your new life.
In other words it's about time!

Anne... I wouldn't sweat the categorization used to facilitate the divorce. I wouldn't expect there to be a "my husband is now a women". It's purely one of a few choices to allow the system to function. In the end you are free and hopefully over time the rifts may patch.

Be happy as you've emerged a strong and determined woman but make sure you maintain a solid relationship with your daughter as she grows as you'll be a great guide with perspective.

Cheers... Jennifer

Anne, although I have not experienced this myself, I can imagine that this must hurt a lot.

I don't think anyone could say that you did not try to save the marriage. In fact you went the extra mile so often, if we added them all up you could almost have walked from your place to mine.

I'm glad that things went smoothly and that you are seeing this as another opportunity to progress.

Anne, I went through very much the same experience when my marriage of 17 years ended because of my transition. The cause of my divorce was also listed as 'irreconcilable differences.' Look, people grow and change over time, and for many couple's, the result is divorce because they grow apart. It's really no different being trans - we change a lot, and many of our spouses simply can't change to the degree needed to remain with us.

I know fully well this hurts you. My divorce hurt me a lot. My wife and I were the couple everyone expected to be together forever. It was really tough on our kids. My ex literally can't look at me or speak to me. We communicate through texts and email - and those are infrequent. (And often bitter. She really does not much like me anymore, and she doesn't trust me.)

The bitterness and the rather swift disintegration of a happy marriage may be sort of unique to trans*, but all the rest of it is not so different from many other divorces.

It is easy to be bitter about this, and make statements like I did "If they really loved me as a person, couldn't they at least try to make it work?" I've definitely felt that way. But the truth is, they didn't really love us as the people we were. How could they have? In my case, nobody really knew the real me. My wife definitely did not.

In the months since our divorce, I've gained some perspective. Yes, she treated me very cruelly at times. But it's just as well we parted, sad as that was. I know myself now, and I know my ex wife, and there is no way she would like me as a friend now, much less be married to me. I am exactly the kind of woman she disliked a lot. And as it turns out, we're both straight. Oops. Anyway, we were doomed.

I can only tell you that it does get better over time, and that I'm very sorry you've gone through this.

Wow, that's a major story of trauma and drama. I feel for you all. I had my own separation/divorce 13 years ago, but for non-trans reasons - i'd met Welshgirl, and the force was irresistible. I'd not wish the pain on anyone, but I will say that in hindsight, living in truth, and being yourself is the best growing-up message you can give your daughter, together with your love for her, and your consideration of everyone through the process.


xxx Pamela

It strikes me that the judge's validation of your femaleness was hugely significant, as you begin to build a life as Anne. I'm glad he/she had the maturity and wisdom to do that.

Good luck with your journey!

Anne,

The end of a marriage is always sad and I'm sorry for you. But you are lucky to have reached a settlement quickly and very lucky that both of you seem sensible enough to do what's in your daughter's best interests. Best of luck.

Existing in a failed marriage is a special kind of misery. My mother, father, and stepfather demonstrated that.

Make no mistake, I wish you could have found a mutually satisfying agreement long ago. That would have been best.

Second best, in my opinion is the opportunity for both parties to re-make their lives in the way of their choosing. It seems that you are ready for that ''transition" now, and I wish you well.

Best wishes
MsVal

I am lucky because I am "just" a CDer. I have no desire to transition. I like being able to choose each day what I am going to be, Bill or Billie. Bill it is the majority of the time. But I have a choice and I like that.
If I lost my SO I would be devastated.
My heart goes out to you!
Billie

'Irreconcilable Differences' is a pretty generic term, kind of a catch all. When my first wife and I got divorced (I caught her in an affair, and then she asked *me* for a divorce) it seemed a way to save face on all sides.

I had a lawyer, and had a draft agreement written up. She didn't have one, so I *paid* for her to get a lawyer to review the agreement in advance of the court date. When we showed up in front of the Judge, we had already worked out our agreement. The Judge was kind of shocked.

We were in and out of the courtroom in 30 minutes.

You have to shrug and keep going. Things are fine in *any* friendship until they aren't. Everybody changes over time. Ideally, your partner follows close enough to your changes where you stay on the same path. Changes in presentation and gender identity are *really hard* for some people to cope with.

Best of luck, sweetie.

<3

- MM

Irreconcilable differences sure beats the heck out of one side or the other having to prove the want or need for divorce by way of entering salacious details into the court record. But as you well know, our being is often an irreconcilable difference for some of our SO's, perhaps most when transition enters the picture.

I have other thoughts, highly personal in nature but these would serve no purpose here. Reading this though did give me quite the epiphany, a remarkable one which I will add to my collection from this day forward.

My hope for you Anne is that you will continue to gather strength and happiness as your journey moves forward.

Your feelings of sorrow over the end of your marriage show just how deeply invested and caring you've been as her spouse. They're a credit to who you are, and an unavoidable step along the path given how she feels. I'm sure she wishes it were otherwise as well, Anne. Best wishes in charting your path forward. May everything be easier for you from here on.

Anne, I'm sorry that you had to go through a divorce, they are never nice. I'm also sorry for your ex and your daughter, but sometimes it is for the best in the long run. I still remember the good times with my first wife and that was almost 40 years ago! Hopefully in the future you can remember the good times as the bad times fad from your memory. I'll remember all of you in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

anne,
I completely understand. I to had a "Irreconcilable differences' entered on my divorce papers. Like said before, it is a term that lets the court system work. i also caught my ex in an affair, (in fact i walked in on them in our bed), and yet she filed on me. that pretty much ended 17 years of trust! the interesting thing here, is that 20 years later, she is still mad at me!

but then, like you, i healed, moved on with my life and became a strong person, much as what i see you doing. My son, was 11 at the time, and he now prefers my company to his mom. Be true to yourself, be caring for your daughter, and the world will straighten itself out and you will continue to be fine!

there is family here for you!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by marsha leanne

20 years later, she is still mad at me!

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Funny how that logic works.. "*you* made me stray!"

And yes, your family here has your back.

We are what we are.

And that is true now, as it will ever will be.

- MM

Not much more to say after all the great comments here, except to say I wish you all the best ;)

My divorce was final in Jan. 2014 after 28 years and though I thought it was due to me coming out as trans. I found out one night in a heated argument that she hadn't loved me for 28 years. Yet I still think of her often and just wish she would still talk to me but she won't even acknowledge my existence. Like you I don't begrudge her wanting a divorce but can't she at least answer an email. I am happier now then ever in my life, not because of or in spite of her, it just is. I really wish she could see me now, not to rub her face in it but to show her she was not the problem. Other then that I could have written your post Anne. The Lord knows I tried many times but it never came out as complete as yours.