Prompted by Suzie on another thread 'So many new girls!', I thought I'd provide my story as to how I became a member of the site.
Despite periodic furtive bouts since my teens of succumbing to wearing lingerie, lipstick or nail polish, etc, I never accepted I was a CD. At the end of every bout, I felt ashamed, full of guilt and resolved to never do it again.
In truth and as I think about it, I probably had CD inclinations as a child. One of my earliest memories was with my mother while she was dressing. I suppose I was only 4 or 5 at the time. This was my first memory of ladies undergarments and remember well she wearing a rubber girdle that fascinated me and a memory that has stayed with me all my life (over 50 years).
In more recent years while discussing our childhood with my other siblings and in the company of extended family, one of my older brothers gleefully recounted how I used to like to dress up simulating dresses/skirts with towels etc. I would always go red to the gills when this was raised and deny it as a figment of their imagination.
I have constantly struggled to suppress this tendency but on certain occassions the desire became overwhelming and I would give in. I never accepted I was a CD. In fact being a CD was only one of the thoughts that crossed my mind. I questioned as to whether I may be gay, whether I wanted to change my gender to female or whether I was just simply perverted or whatever. In any case, I didn't want to do it. Having questioned myself for so long, I realise I am attracted to and sexually aroused by women but have no attraction to men. I also feel primarily male and have no burning desire to change my sex other than if I could magically do it for short periods of time. I felt somewhat perverted, couldn't control it and hated this side of my personality. I kept these thoughts bottled up inside my entire life, not sharing with anyone and always petrified that some day I would be discovered. As a result I've always had somewhat low self-esteem. I've felt like a fraud hiding my uncontrollable perversion and that some day I would be found out for what I really am.
Over the years, I made one attempt to come out to my wife about 12 years ago. Had I the benefit of the advice of members of this site, I would never have done what I did. I had been on a business trip to the US where I purchased some lingerie for myself ... a gorgeous set of red suspenders, panties and stockings from Victoria's Secret. On such trips, I would often buy some for my wife (who is only about half my size ... so no possibility of sharing) or buy her a dress or something like that. She would often compliment me on my bravery to shop in the women's section, on my taste and on getting sizing correct etc. Anyway, on returning home I took advantage of any private time to dress secretly in the lingerie. One night after going to bed, I decided to interrupt our foreplay and come out to my wife by putting on the lingerie and getting back into bed. God, I shudder to think about it and how stupid I was to do this out of the blue with no warning. Anyway, she was immediately turned off and would have nothing to do with me. I explained it to her as a one off and by a desire to just try something different and add some spice to our love life. She was having none of it. Luckily, we got over this and the subject was never raised again.
In early February, I started my most recent bout of dressing in women's lingerie. I had two extremely near misses of discovery by my wife. I was putting myself through torture as to what I would do if discovered and what it might do to our relationship. Above all, I felt she would lose trust and that could jeopardise our whole relationship. My wife and our relationship is the most important thing in my life and it's unthinkable that I would compromise this by CD'ing. However, at age 56 and despite being a very slow learner I finally realised that I would not be able to stop and that these cycles would continue. I think this is when I first accepted that I was at least a CD and possibly perverted. Having accepted this, I felt that the only way to handle this was to tell my wife that I was a CD. Remembering the previous disastrous attempt I needed a way to tell her.
It's somewhat strange considering the availability of the internet for nearly 20 years now, that I never really researched my predicament. I think this was partly because I just did not want to accept it. It was also partly because I know that if you look up these things on the internet that quite often it will just throw up pornography. I did not want this because this would only add to my sense of it being a perversion. Over the years, the only articles I read about it was the occasional agony aunt article that came up in the newspaper. I know that these articles often suggested consulting a therapist.
While I accepted I was a CD, I don't understand it. So I thought that it may be worth consulting a therapist. This could help me finally understand myself better but perhaps demonstrate to my wife that I was willing to get help to deal with it, especially if she were to receive the news badly. I started to look up therapist's in my local area and specifically targeting my internet search toward therapists and psychlogists. This threw up some articles with some of the most interesting stating that while CD'ing is practiced by a relative small percentage of people, it is generally accepted by the professionals as within the normal range of behaviour. This meant a lot to me as it places it outside the realm of perversion.
Anyway, while researching, I came across this site. My initial inclination was that it would just be another porn type forum or something like that. Had I needed to sign up to read the threads, I probably would not have bothered. However, as it's open to casual browsers, I read a few threads. It was a revelation and I think it may just change my whole outlook on life and most importantly about how I feel about myself. I could read about people having exactly the same experiences as myself, the same self doubts, the same thoughts etc. I signed up that very night that I discovered the site.
What I was reading on the site is proof to me that I'm not abnormal ... there are many other people that are just like me. More so there are many people that have come to terms with who they are and indeed love this part of their personality. This got me thinking about myself, how I would only reluctantly accept I'm a CD and how I really wish I could turn off this side of my personality. I began to feel that this is a part of my personality that I want to get to know. This is a part of who I am and that the path to overcome my endless anguish and low self esteem is to embrace it. I told my wife about my CD'ing on or about the same time that I came across the site. To my enormous relief and delight she accepted my CD'ing and did not see any harm in it. I started to experience euphoria between changing my whole perspective about CD'ing combined with my wife's acceptance.
I have been brought back down to earth a little by finding out that while my wife accepted it, she is not enthusiastic about it and prefers I do it out of her presence. When I found this out, I was not taken by surprise as I had already read about members of this site having that experience. Of more importance I had read advice from many on how to handle this and especially to consider where the other person is coming from.
With my limited experience of the site, I feel that the stories and advice of the many other members is like the instruction manual and guide that every CD should have at their disposal. In the last few weeks I'm feeling much better about myself and eager to learn more about the part of me that I've suppressed for so long. I also feel I have become a much more affectionate person ... as they say it is difficult to love someone else if you don't love yourself.
Anyway, it's a long winded story but that is how I got here and why I think I'll hang around for a while. My only regret is that I didn't find a shortcut and it took so long to arrive. I now see myself as just beginning a new adventure and feeling very excited about it especially feeling the security, guidance and support that is so willingly shared by the members of this site.
This should probably have been an introduction when I joined the site, but I suppose, at that stage I didn't know who to introduce.
