Dealing with GD in the short term

I'm having a very bad day, in terms of my dysphoria.

Without the ability to live as my true gender at home yet, I was wondering and hoping that the collective experience here would be able to offer tips and insights into how to reduce the dysphoria to more manageable levels.

I will also ask my therapist (my first session is this afternoon) for ideas, but right now I'm feeling paralyzed by it and very isolated. Logically, I know I'm not alone. Emotionally, I'm on a deserted island.

This isn't actually a new experience for me. My lifelong depression has always manifested with these symptoms. I'm very grateful to know the source now, but just knowing the why doesn't answer the question of how to manage it on a daily basis.

You guys need to get it through your heads that this GD has nothing to do with clothes. How does getting all dolled up in private help anything? The GD has we (TS people) deal with it is all about dealing with secrets.

The proof comes with coming out. When you come out and transition or come out and be openly gender fluid, the GD goes away. Every time. You feel isolated because you are, and putting on panties is not going to help.

What you need to do is learn how to express yourself within the confines that you've set for yourself. So you're closeted, that's your fault, and coming out may necessitate a long process but in the meantime find a way to express yourself daily that doesn't necessarily involve wearing a dress. Find SOME way to express yourself. Find some friends that you can just be yourself with. They don't have to be trans friends, or queer friends. My best friend throughout the whole process was a gg that I used to date!

Find a way. Find a way that works for you, but find a way.

...this may read kinda harsh but I promise that's not how I meant it, and this isn't just for you. It's for every possible/questioning transitioner.

I don't mind if you meant it harshly. It's not about dressing, or even being closeted.

I'm out to my wife, fully. As a woman who needs to transition. I'm out to my parents. I'm out to my friends, and Wednesday night, I showed up to our weekly gathering as me, and they showed me so much love and support. I'm out to almost everyone on "my side" of my life.

I'm not out to my children at home (they are 4 and 2), and for the time being, my wife doesn't want them to see me.

I'm doing the best I can to walk the road I need to walk, but I'm new to this. I don't know how to walk yet. I'm still crawling.

I'm not looking to be told to put on a dress or panties. I know that isn't the solution, and I'm not here asking for that desire to be validated.

I'm asking for help with how to deal with the stress that comes from not being my true self, in the short term. In the day to day. My long term goals are clear to me, and I have great hope that in the future my GD will abate completely.

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find a way to express yourself daily that doesn't necessarily involve wearing a dress. Find SOME way to express yourself.

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This is what I'm asking for help finding. I want to know what worked for others, so I can maybe try it and see if it worked for me.

Editing again for further clarification: my job, where I go to work every day, is here at home, with my children. I know many people on the road of transition, at various points, have to be their birth gender at work, for X amount of time. How do they deal with that stress?

I don't know what worked for me, I was miserable at that in between stage and just had to push myself through to the other side.

progress and presentation..

as long as you make progress and as long as you know you can present your real gender , you can mitigate GD and get what you need so you can beat it


are you transitioning? do you have a timetable? or are you negotiating transition with others? that's a big difference.

i've always thought of it as investing in quality of life....if you've hit a point where you've put everything you have into being male, its tough to accept there is no payback...it just makes you feel worse..and if you try harder (invest more), you are just digging a deeper hole...

so invest in your true female life...i can't tell you how....whether its little stuff or big stuff (like committing to transition), its got to be something... have you started electrolysis?? laser hair removal?? these can feel very empowering and represent investing in your female life

one example for me sounds silly but its true...i have small hands... i started shaving the hair off them...omg that made such a huge difference for me to not look at my hairy hands all day...and at some point i started just a teeny bit to let my nails grow and i shaped them just a little bit...i worked in a corporate office, i was married with kids.... these little things helped me alot....i'd sit in a meeting and just stare at my hands and nails for relief from GD...
it made a huge difference at the time...

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Originally Posted by Kaitlyn Michele

are you transitioning? do you have a timetable? or are you negotiating transition with others? that's a big difference.

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I am transitioning. You're witnessing my very first steps right now. This isn't something that's up for negotiation. I don't know which way the road leads, or how long it'll take, or where I'll find a happy place, or how far it'll take me - will it stop with therapy? HRT? FFS? BA? SRS? I don't have those answers. All I know for sure (which contradicts basically everything else I've said outside of this subforum in the past two months) is that I am a woman, and I can't continue living life in my birth gender. Regardless of medical alterations to my body or not, I will live fully as a woman at some point in the future. Legally, socially.

But no, I don't have a timetable yet. I don't know what the next steps are. I'm having a lot of difficult conversations with my wife, and our relationship is changing on a daily basis, but now that I am finally being honest with myself and with her, things are moving. I don't know if they're moving in a direction that's positive or negative, but movement is better than stagnation.

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one example for me sounds silly but its true...i have small hands... i started shaving the hair off them...omg that made such a huge difference for me to not look at my hairy hands all day...and at some point i started just a teeny bit to let my nails grow and i shaped them just a little bit...i worked in a corporate office, i was married with kids.... these little things helped me alot....i'd sit in a meeting and just stare at my hands and nails for relief from GD...
it made a huge difference at the time...

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Thank you for this. I've been doing the same thing. Again, I know that pretty nails and hairlessness and stereotypical trappings of femininity aren't what it means to be a woman, that it goes much deeper than these superficial things - but these superficial things help me feel more like myself, and then I crash down all over again, because then it feels like I'm just faking it. "Real" women don't obsess about what shade of pink their nails are. But then, they don't look male when their nails aren't painted, either.

The important thing here is to try and set reasonable milestones and meet them. It may be going for a drive as Abby, or going to a convenience store, or a drug store. Use cash if you like.

A good GD therapist will give you very small steps that allow you to build up courage and confidence to face progressively more complex situations in was that allow you to go from simple outings to social situations to living part time (all but work), and eventually 24/7, complete with name change.

The harder part is when there are consequences to transition. Some of us have lost spouses, children, friends, parents, brothers, sisters, and jobs.

Your therapist will help you cope with any of these losses, if they happen. Better yet, she will help you set up structures that will minimize your losses.

You key to happiness is transition, but transition is still not panacea. You still have to deal with disappointments, frustrations, and the problems of being a woman.

For me, it's worth it. My only regret is that I didn't transition much earlier.

:idontknow:yeah Mel a little harsh. I didn't see anything about clothing in the OP BTW

Abby, I'm no sure what you're looking for here

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My long term goals are clear to me, and I have great hope that in the future my GD will abate completely.

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confuses me You expect it to go away? It won't. Even after transitioning some people have GID. Stress management on a day to day basis would be just like any other stress management you would do. Exercise, meditation, maybe a hobby? Having someone you can talk to can help.


I am concerned that you expect it to abate though. This isn't like a light switch that goes off and on. Until you get to the end point in your journey, this is going to be with you.

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I am concerned that you expect it to abate though. This isn't like a light switch that goes off and on. Until you get to the end point in your journey, this is going to be with you.

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I don't know what to expect. Right now, I'm just hoping that it will go away, like Melissa said, when I'm "done". If it stays with me, then hopefully the advice I receive here and in therapy will allow me to deal with it instead of succumbing to it.

I'm not seeking all answers to every problem I have, just tidbits to help manage them.

i think focusing on the short term mitigation of GD can be hugely helpful..

the mountain you will climb ain't going anywhere... you take one step at a time...its a cliche but its reality...the better you can appreciate and not suffer the moments the better your energy and resolve to make this happen...

I can only say what worked for me. Until I began transition, it was dealt with by slowly killing myself, and consistently isolating myself from the world.

Once I began to transition, only progress towards that goal gave me any relief. Consistent progress. Any slowing down brought it back as bad or worse than before. Only by steady work did it become manageable. It reduced to nearly nothing after going full time, but still can raise it's ugly head in some circumstances.

will it go away? Well not from what I have seen from the many I have met who have experienced gd. So don't count on it.

Abby
For me I have to keep moving forward. When I first came out to my wife little steps helped. I know what Melissa means but for me building a female wardrobe helped. I warn you however that the further you go and the closer you get to being you the worse the Dysphoria gets when you are forced to present as male. That is true for me anyway. Yes I have wonderful authentic moments now I wouldn't trade. However, I am acutely aware when I am not me now. I used to have it hidden so deeply it was a faint murmur. Not now! So if you know you are one of us you have to start this moment!
Suzanne

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Originally Posted by Lorileah

:idontknow:yeah Mel a little harsh. I didn't see anything about clothing in the OP BTW.

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I was responding to the comment about "not living her true gender at home". I took that to mean not dressing up. I will admit to not having a very good understanding of the cross-dressing thing. I didn't grow up doing it for whatever reason and I feel like it's almost counter productive if you're trying to get to the bottom of a gender issue.

I truly don't mean to be harsh. I almost never do in fact.

Right now I'm struck into silence by Kait's incredible advice. Only someone who has been there can truly understand. Brava Kaitlyn.

Substance abuse and video games offered (offer) some relief. It's temporary and doesn't solve any problems, but...it's something.

For the record, I'm not endorsing these destructive habits; I'm merely stating what "helps".

You need to carve out time to present as female at home, even if only when alone as much as possible. Making compromises to do more of this can help. Underdressing, if you aren't doing that, helps some. Not everyone is helped by presentation. I was, but not all of us are. Even little things, like keeping your toe nails painted can help.

Also, if you are able to start hair removal, this may help.

For me, the big silver bullets were:
1. Going fulltime
2. HRT - saved my miserable life
3. Electrolysis
4. Doing something about my lack of hair
5. GRS

I know you aren't there yet for the list above. I can't promise my suggestions will help - we're all different.

Having dealt with an very deep and debilitating depressive disorder some years ago, my advice is get out and do anything that involves physical activity and social interaction. Your mind will follow your body.

I think one key to dealing with dysphoria in the short term is knowing what is causing the feelings. In some cases, it's denial of self and internal conflict. In others, it's "living the lie" - being untrue to everyone around you, and keeping up a false image. Often it's both.

Dressing up in private won't help in either case I mentioned. Because you'real keeping it private only, you're stuck still presenting with the mask to everyone you talk to. It's an exhausting scenario where you're constantly working to keep a mask in place while all the time hating that you have to. And you're not usually able to solve an internal crisis or conflict by dressing in private, because if you're closeted you are usually still dealing with shame, guilt, and longing - creating the conflict anyway. Dressing then becomes a "quick fix" which fades rapidly.

My theory is that one reason why people often experience positive mental health benefits from HRT is that they have resolved the internal conflict, at least in as much as they are now taking action - taking real world, lasting physical actions which will have permanent effects. You can't take that step without at least some level of internal conflict resolution, and doing so becomes in turn a symbol of moving forward toward your goals.

There are other little steps you can take as well. If you know you will need $X for surgery down the road, start saving. When you feel down, look at the savings balance. Maybe start up a new account, just for this purpose - and then never touch that money for anything besides expenses for your change. As the number goes up, you can think about how much closer you are to your goals. (Might help some people, might not help others...)

Dressing to go out helps make you feel better because you're outside without the mask. But again, this isn't a lasting thing if you have to put the mask back on again the next day. Instead, I honestly feel like taking some step - even a little one - in the direction of your long term goal of being who you want to be is usually of more lasting value in fighting off gender dysphoria.

Hi Abby: Yup, this stage sucks...if I can call it a stage. What worked and still works for me is laser and electro, manicures with clear polish, running....(a lot, for weight loss). There has been no "blow back" at work about any of this, except many people have commented that I look much better due to weight loss. My boss knows and some of my close colleagues at work, so if I am having a particularly tough day with GD, I know I can go and talk to them about it. Just being able to verbalize my stress for a few minutes helps. Given that I am full time outside of work and HRT in the works etc, I am able to fully recharge once I leave the work place. Coming out to people was a huge help, so I can now be out with friends etc as my true self. And they are all totally fine with it. But ya, some days are still hard, waking up and staring at the wrong side of the closet to get ready for work....ugh.

I guess the biggest thing for me is that I have a timeline established with milestones for: going full time, name change, surgery etc. I found that once I had this plan in place, a lot of the stress went away. I have found the entrance to the tunnel that is full transition, know how long the tunnel is (how long it will take me to get to the other side), and can see a light at the end and know it is not a train coming at me!!

I am not sure if any of this helps, but this is what I find works for me. Sometimes I still get impatient....but this is my reality, and when I look at where I was a mere year ago to where I am now???? I have made great strides. I celebrate the small victories along the way.

More great advice here. Thank you all.

I've dived in head first with all of this, coming to my realization of being TS in just a few short months, so things are hitting hard and fast.

We (my wife and I) have a plan now. It's a vague plan, and very tentative, but just having something helps. I'm also working on celebrating the small victories - something that's never been my strong suit.

I saw my therapist for the first time on Friday afternoon, and that seemed to go okay. I wasn't impressed with his lack of experience in these issues, especially since it's apparently his focus, so I will keep looking for a new one even as I continue to see him.

Just knowing that my wife is actively trying to see Abby when she looks at me has been so immensely relieving. After going from 0-120 mph (192 kph) in 4.2 seconds, I feel like I've found a speed my family can be comfortable with. It's slower than I'd like, and faster than she'd like, but it's a compromise that we both agreed on. So today, I'm feeling hopeful about everything.

I'm trying to take it one day at a time, to take joy in the small things, and to enjoy the process of becoming who I am supposed to be.

One thing you should explore in therapy is whether you are really transsexual (trust me i'm not saying you are or aren't!!!!!!!!)

I'm saying this has all happened fast. You can trap yourself into actions you are not prepared for... you are well served to make SURE for CERTAIN that you are permanently good with identifying as a transsexual..
like you, i was not blessed with "knowledge" growing up....it hit me over time in slow motion..

....i think you should be careful....if you have any doubt at all , no matter how small...grab on to that and explore it and give yourself and your wife more time..
if you have no doubt at all, that's tough for me to swallow...in my therapy groups in the past, we had many people come in for a couple months and then disappear as they learned more about themselves and transsexuals..
the only people that were certain were those that said they knew since they were 5 years old...

I don't think having an unexperienced therapist is going to help you very much
...i don't think you are in a good position to be helping somebody else get up to speed on ts and tg issues.. i think you need a real experienced person to help you...and on balance you are best served to slow down and find that help instead of diving in with somebody that really doesnt have the experience to help you..

I agree completely, Kaitlyn. It's high on my agenda (the first item, actually) to get to the bottom of me. The more I talk about it with the people in my life, the more I realize about myself and how long I've been fighting this.

Hard as it may be to swallow, I actually don't have any doubts about myself and who I am. Maybe I'm an odd case. I'm comfortable with that.

I'm going to give this therapist another session or two, since the first was mostly intro stuff, to see if he's up to snuff. If he's not, I'll find someone else who can ask me the hard questions AND provide guidance for moving forward.

Right answer!!!

With how quickly this is happening its good to be sure....i felt i had to ask

i have a very close friend actually... she influenced me alot because she showed me what was possible...she just socially transitioned at 50 yrs of age after what she said was an "immediate" realization during role play sessions with her girlfriend...she saw herself in the mirror wearing womens clothes while doing this role play...and she "just knew"...and in no time flat she was living as a woman... she is doing great... she had an orchiectomy...takes hormones...looks great, kept her job, has a girlfriend.... i watched her transition and at first i thought it was just another "freak" ts person.... but i got to know her, she was just naturally female in every single way....
and it was like "WHAT THE...!!!"
I looked at her life and i thought this is what I NEED TO BE!!!!that was a big moment for me....and she says never had a doubt once she decided!! nor have I !!!

one bad thing...she is estranged from her son

Yeah, my son is the only person I'm worried about telling. His mother (not my wife) had him when we were 17. He'll be 17 in April, and his mother is the absolute worst person I know. Abusive, vindictive, hateful, bigoted. I haven't actually exchanged words with her in three years, since the most recent custody fight.

I'm concerned that when she finds out, she'll find a way to impede my progress. Right now, she can still come after me for child support (which I'm not paying as the result of the last court order), which wouldn't ruin us financially, but would impact what's available in the budget and slow me down.

Thankfully, my wife and I have always had a very good relationship with him, and he seems to be taking after us in terms of LGBT acceptance, which leaves me hopeful that I'll continue to have a relationship with him. I'm preparing myself to be disappointed.