dom CDer bf --> role reversal - help!

Hey everyone,

Thank you so much for your advice, support and kind words on my last post!

I basically know that what I need to do next is have a heart to heart with my BF and say what I've said below.. but I don't have friends that I can run it by... thanks for reading!

For those of you who didn’t see the last thread I started, my bf occasionally CDs, but only in private. He used to do it with his ex in a sexual context, but doesn’t (yet) feel like he wants to with me. I am not erotically turned on by it, but love him and want to support him in what makes him fell whole and happy.

He told me that before he met me (in the transition time between his ex and me), he answered an ad on craigslist in which he went to an older, gay man’s home, to see what it was like. He had this unquenchable desire to be the object of desire. Once he got there however, something irked him, and he left before anything erotic happened. He said that he wanted to feel what it was like to be desired, but (perhaps unfairly to the older man) is not attracted to GMs.

Sometimes, when my bf is by himself, he crossdresses, and get’s extremely turned on very quickly by the sight of his own femme image in the mirror. It seems as if he gets turned on by being the object of his own desire.

My question lies in where I can come into all this. As it stands, we have a dom-sub type sexual relationship. He fulfills the role that’s more dominant, direct, and lustful, and I tend to fall into the submissive, more passive, “object of desire” type role.

In our dynamic outside the bedroom, I am more introverted and him more extraverted, and I know when we’re together he gets off on being the dominant one. It’s great for both of us. Yet, I know that he has this intense sexual energy in him attached to being the desired one.

I’m not super confident in my ability to switch things up and explicitly pursue/ dominate him. I feel as if I’d be worried that he’d lose his mojo and not enjoy himself. I also have never tapped into that side of my sexuality before. I’ve always fallen into the more submissive role as It feels more natural to me. I also tend to go about my business in bed, always keeping an eye to keeping his mojo/ ego intact. I feel that in the dominant role, I would be overly careful and hesitant when trying new things… just to avoid turning him off/ making him uncomfortable. That’s not the most sexy of ways to go about things. Domming is such a delicate dance between being direct, and therefore sexy, yet careful. I have flacid-penis anxiety/ I don’t like to feel rejected just as much as the next guy. This is tricky!

Taking the reins and exploring this role reversal means getting rid of this anxiety. So… CDers and friends, I’m looking for ways to start exploring this without this anxiety, and to start the conversations that could get this going for us. He hasn’t asked for it yet, but knowing about his past sexual relationship, his CDing behaviour, and his craigslist adventure, I feel somewhat obligated to make sure he’s not selling himself short and settling with me and what I know about my sexuality right now. At the end of the day I just want him to be as sexually fulfilled as fits both of our desires and limits (with a dash of… “I know you reversed roles and CDed with your ex and I feel kind of mono-faceted/ lame in comparison"… as egotistical as that may be). I’m fully aware that I don’t know myself well enough yet to say that I can’t take a more dominant role, with the right relationship context, having had the right conversations… just wanting some suggestions on how to start exploring!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

i'd say you're already being loving and open, so do what feels right, natural, don't go where you lose your own enjoyment, and experiment at the edges?

Some adult toy stores have Domme classes and workshops. Here in Chicago, Pleasure Chest and Early 2 Bed have these classes regularly. This might be insightful or help you mold things to your liking with your BF. You could also try being slightly aggressive with him. Try to initiate a sex experience where you are somewhat in charge and concerned with what feels good to you and your pleasure, and maybe be vocal during the play. Say things like "I want..." before you do something, and when it feels good tell him.

i will offer that in my girl mode i have not yet adjusted to my wife taking the pro-active introduction of sex...weirdest thing ....i tense up when she inititiates

I think it could be hard to be dominant if it's not natural for you and you're not confident in it either. Start small with something natural to you and work at it. Girls are good at being demanding in my experience. "I want this!". You're not asking them, you are telling them. That's how I am dominant as a man, not confidence, I am always right.
Is this sub/dom thing involved with dressing? Do you want to dominate him while he's a girl? His dressing may not excite you but he's happy and that hopefully makes you happy in turn. Personally, I don't know if I could get sexual with a girl while dressed. Seems like a strange dynamic and would throw me off a bit. I wouldn't feel comfortable until I took my pink panties off. I hope you can find a way to connect and both share and enjoy the experience together.

Well I would echo the fact that you sound very open and that is half the battle. My wife has seen pictures of me but never in the flesh. I would say that she is slightly dominate in our relationship and I would love to have her take control if I were dressed. But my worry would be that if she saw me as a woman it would diminish her attraction to the my male side. I can understand your bf's interest in being an object of desire. Many men really love girls like us and the attention can be intoxicating. Having said that it is always a balance with your partner to find a way to enjoy your sex life together in a gg/cd relationship.

I wonder if you have ever considered a form of cuckolding? If you have were both open to occasionally bringing another man into the mix it might give you both what you want.

I think the advice of doing what you think is right...is correct. From my standpoint, I am the aggressor in male mode with the wife, but both the wife and I are passive aggressive. She in our regular life as really the dom person and me by saying I am sub when dressed but in reality isn't that controlling the situation too? Lol I know its confusing but that is why we are human.

Interesting. I am not sure though that you understand the "DOM-sub" life. First, while some are switches and perfectly capable of going from Dom to sub or vice versa, most find it hard. So asking if your BF would like you to Dom...may lead to him shutting down. And in RE: the classes, your station as Dom or Sub is pretty well set in the BDSM world...training a sub to be a Dom would be a disaster if you really ARE sub. Case in point, I would be bored to death trying to Dom someone. In a relationship especially switching can be difficult, A sub may be able to Dom a stranger but never their Dom(tried...failed miserably, neither one of enjoyed it)

I think it would be EASY for you to make your dom and object of desire. After all isn't that what subs do? We idolize our Doms, we live to have them Dom. I do understand that most here see the BDSM world as what one sees on TV or Movies, but it really isn't that. So my advice may be too strong. Role playing is different. I do believe you can fulfill his need for having someone desire and worship him though in your current hierarchy

Renna, you mentioned role play. If I could go inside your BF's mind I think he might just want an act to take place. I know many cder's have thoughts/desires about being with a male while dressed. Not that they are gay or will loose their "mojo", but like you said your BF could not pull if off with a real guy. That means he is straight and you will always be the objective of his desires, so don't worry about either of you doing something to turn the other off.\

I feel all he wants is for you to buy a devise, made for a woman to use on a man. I have no clue how you feel about doing that act, but lets just say, you would do this for him, because you love him and want to make him happy. You need not be dominate, as in spankings, etc, but maybe do some thing he has done to you....such as remove your bra and panties and then he has his way with you. The/his brain will do the rest and you have provided and act for him. You have made him happy, now what about you ?

I would sit him down and tell him what you are comfortable to do and maybe put a limit on the number of times per year, moth...whatever makes you comfortable. The happy medium for both of you.:2c:

Thanks for your reply Lorileah. It's true, his desire to be desired could be irrespective of the control dynamic (dom/sub dynamic) we have going. If we figure out that he is a switch... then I guess we could see if it could work for me to be one too. At this point it doesn't feel like domming could ever feel natural to me so I guess that's not a good sign.
I thought that since he sought out an older, experienced, gay man to feel like an object of desire, he may be seeking a switch in role dynamics. He CDed when he had this encounter. I guess being desired as his femme self is incongruent with being desired as a sub, per se. What do you think? What if I can't desire him sexually as his femme self? What if I can't dom him either? It could be true that it's not a big enough part of his sexuality to forfeit our monogamous relationship for... but since that side of himself is widely considered taboo, I wonder if he's lying to himself - and me.
I know we have all the answers between us.. but third party advice you could offer would be helpful for me!


Hi Amy Lynn.
Interesting suggestion. We have talked about that act in the past, but he presented it pretty flatly, as something he could see himself trying, but it could only be sexy for him if I authentically wanted to do it. Maybe he was playing down how much he would like if this would happen.
Thanks for explaining how the act could be possible without the dom/sub dynamic. He's sexuality is so visual, I think that could work..

This is just my opinion but you need to loosen up a little and quit trying to figure it all out and just explore a little and go outside your comfort zone and see if you enjoy it.
I think you are over analyzing things just a little.
Trying to figure out every detail will only cause you a bunch of stress.

Lots of good posts here. But, best advice? Tracii!

I've been around this block a few times. With a number of long time gf's and an ex wife. In my experience, u can play around, experiment, and try whatever your partner likes. But, if u aren't both excited, faking it wont work for long. Even if u both get turned on by a role play or kinky activity? It's not likely to turn u both on forever.

Don't think about it so much, try it! If u don't enjoy it u won't have say a word. He'll know!

Sometimes, when my bf is by himself, he crossdresses, and get’s extremely turned on very quickly by the sight of his own femme image in the mirror. It seems as if he gets turned on by being the object of his own desire.

WOW! Holy Sh&t! You must be some form of therapist. I read your thread a few days ago and didn't get a chance to respond. I have a very open relationship with my wife, the minute I read this I showed it to my wife because she always said the same thing about me. When I see a women that catches my eye, I don't hesitate to make a "look at those legs" or "look at that girls wearing" comment. She then sees that when I crossdress afterward I try to imatate that women, and even goes out of her way when shopping for herself and sees something from my last comment to buy it for me. Sorry to go off topic but that paragraph blew me away. As far as sex goes for us, at first it was something new but in all fareness to her I always ask if she wants me to get changed, usally she will ask me just to remove my wig, but there are times when she will tell me she wants a man this time. We are both very open people and we try to be fare to each other's needs and feelings. It really is amazing at times living this life, its different all the time and we both don't try to figure it out or look into to much and just try to enjoy it. Maybe I fantasize she's a man and maybe she fantasies I'm a women, all I know it's be almost thirty years and there isn't a boring moment when you live with a crossdresser. Don't get me wrong the road has not always been smooth, but with a open relationship and you both want to love and be with each other there shouldn't be a problem. I hope I helped you out a little and sorry about the blabbing on and hopefully u will keep us updated.a