2015 = "His" Last Year. 2016 = Holly's First Year!
My goodness, it's been quite a year. I'd say 2015 ranks up there with one of, if not the, biggest years of my life. Much has changed though much hasn't and I'm still facing some big struggles and self-medicating to try and ease them. My progress is slow but still progress.
Perhaps one of the biggest areas of progress is me coming out to people. I am not out to everyone but wow it's getting close. I feel like there are more people in my life who know about Holly than those who don't. There were some really big reveals this year. For instance, officially coming out to my family was HUGE for me. Finally after hiding things for years upon years, I'm no longer lying to them and it feels wonderful. This isn't to say there haven't been some struggles, there's very little about this process that is easy for me. Having said that, I'm working with my parents to try and make things as easy as possible on all of us.
My eldest sister and her husband are still struggling with my revelation, but she and I actually spoke on the phone on Christmas Day. Nothing about my transition was discussed, but that's okay. I of course want to talk to her about everything. I want to convince her that this is the right path for me. However I know she is set in her beliefs and the risk argument was great. So, instead of discussing things directly, I am hoping my tone, happiness, and willingness to talk came through on the call and indirectly showed her a taste of how well I'm doing. It's going to be very small baby steps with her.
My closest friends have stopped using my male name and pronouns. They refer to me as Holly and a "she" everywhere except for at work or in a public setting around people who don't know. In those settings, they actually say it's strange and hard for them to remember to address me as "him". I find it strange they were able to transition their vocabulary so easily, though perhaps Holly is more visible to them than I understand. My direct supervisor has even stopped using my male name and only uses my last name, which is shared in both my given and chosen names.
I am so grateful for these friends in my life.
Speaking of work, I've grown pretty comfortable blending my attire and wear women's jeans and tops more often than men's. I started wearing men's tops with women's bottoms, or vice versa. Then worked up to women's tops and bottoms. It's still quite androgynous but, for me, big steps nonetheless.
Other updates include that I have completed my twelfth session of facial hair removal with laser. Results have been pretty decent actually, I'm quite pleased, however it's time this girl move up to the big leagues and finish the job with electrolysis. A downside, beyond the fact it's electrolysis, is that I will no longer be able to rely on Groupons to help financially as there aren't any for this method of hair removal. Fingers crossed I won't need that much electro..........famous last words?
My hair is another huge update. I've been receding since my teens and thinning heavily up top since since my early 20s. HRT, couple with Finasteride, has really helped stifle the balding and stimulated some regrowth. For the first time in over 10 years, I stopped shaving my head and am pretty confident to say my hair is currently the longest it's ever been. I absolutely adore it. Admittedly, it's a bit of a mess however because of the transplant surgery but that's easily covered with a hat and will resolve itself in time when the transplanted grafts begin to grow.
Speaking of that transplant surgery. Holy moly! That was my first real surgery for Holly! It wasn't nearly as invasive or challenging as say SRS or FFS, but it was still a huge step, and expense, for me, of which I'm very proud.
Christmas was quite interesting this year. I was wondering how my parents would approach it considering they know about Holly but also knew this was their last Christmas with their son. I said to myself in the mirror that I would accept, and even encourage, the use of my male name. It's hard and triggers GD, but I respect my parents and want this transition to be as easy as possible for them. They're gaining a daughter, yes, but I can't forget they're also losing a son, their only son.
As it turned out, all gifts were labeled for "him" and whatever clothing received was for men as well. Initially this really bothered me, but I thought back to that conversation with myself in the mirror, don't fret about how the gifts are labeled or what they are, be thankful you still have your parents when so many others don't. The GD was strong, but abated slightly when considering this.
My dad surprised me however, after opening our gifts, he pointed to my stocking, which has my male name and has been with me since my first Christmas, and commented that I'll need a new one next year. He said this in such a matter-of-fact type of way, as if he's totally accepted things. It was such a small comment but meant so much to me. My dad has come a very long way in his acceptance of Holly. When I first broached the topic of my being trans with him, he struggled a lot with my "chosen lifestyle". But now he believes, as do I, that I was born this way and is completely behind me. It's beautiful...
Later on Christmas Day, we visited my two remaining great aunts. Both are pushing their late 90s....and both "misgendered" me. By that, I mean, even though I was presenting as male (mostly), they both seemed to slip on whether I was male or female. One aunt commented on how tall I've been getting and when I stood up next to my mom, my aunt commented "oh my she is getting tall!" Please note the use of "she" here. I didn't question it and just continued on smiling a huge warm smile inside.
My other great aunt is a bit of a sadder story. She's not doing very well and has dementia. She actually didn't recognize me and asked my parents how their daughter was doing while motioning towards me. There were a few slip ups like this (her, she, daughter again) each made me smile but it was sad to see how far my aunt has deteriorated and how easily confused she can be. It's a hard thing to say, but I really hope she passes soon. She has zero quality of life and it would be for the best. God I hate saying stuff like that......
As of December 27 at 6pm, I hit 18 months on HRT. It's taken a very long time but I am finally catching more and more glimpses of Holly in the mirror which require second and even third glances to ensure I'm not hallucinating. I *still* feel physical changes are lacking but cannot deny they are happening, especially after apparently confusing my aunts.
So that was a summary of some major moments in 2015. It was a huge year, but 2016 will be even bigger as it will be Holly's year. I intend on going full-time this year and complete the coming out process while prepping for SRS among the myriad of other steps needed. Exactly when this is happening is still foggy, but it will happen. It has to.
I hope 2015 was a good year for everyone. And if it wasn't, I truly hope 2016 treats you better!
