Potential questions when coming out to SO

Hi all,

This is definitely premature for me but may be a help to me someday or to others now.

I am currently closeted and that is unlikely to change. I am married to a wonderful woman who is supportive in so many ways but I fear that my cd'ing may not be one of them and could be a deal breaker for her and I don't want to lose her.

I have read the sticky on this subject and it is full of wonderful advice and information. The theme of being an open book and answering all questions honestly and openly is the overarching takeaway for me.

That being said, if I do eventually confront the subject with my wife I would like to be as prepared as possible. So my question to those of you who have gone down that road is really pretty practical in nature. If you don't mind sharing, what questions were you asked? A few immediately come to mind but I'm sure there are a lot of others I haven't even thought to ask myself and it might help me to better express myself and not sound evasive or elusive simply because I am bumbling my way through an answer to a question I have never considered.

I know there is no all encompassing list available and I'm not looking to have a scripted, canned respond for her, I'm just hoping to be somewhat prepared so I can give her honest introspective answers to her questions.

Thanks,

Beth

The best piece of advice I can give you is that there might always be the unexpected question. Just be as honest as you can and don't make promises you cant keep. Even if it all goes well it could be a long time between questions. She will need time to adjust to the information.

The questions I got were; "Are you gay?" "Do you want to be a woman?" "How long have you been doing this?" "What do you get out of it?" "Is it sexual?" Some of those were pretty difficult to answere especially the one about what I get out of it. When I came out to her I hadn't even formulated yet in my own head why I do it. So I sort of fumbled through the answer trying to explain to both her and myself at the same time.

in my signature is how I did it and my wife's response

Speaking from the perspective of someone who found out instead of him telling me, I would have appreciated him telling me over me finding clothing and jumping to conclusions on my own. I think it is important as Shelly said above to be open and honest to all of her questions. Realize though there may be doubt in her mind about how she fits into your life or if there is doubt in how you answer--I had to ask over and over several of the questions Scarlet poses and my BF was completely patient and calm--I asked many of those questions. It's important that you are ready, though. My BF didn't really have a choice to come out to me because I happened upon his clothing. Whenever you choose to do it, be ready for a lot of emotion and questions and when she's ready (for me I've only known for a few months), send her here for other questions that she may have.

Beth,
I wouldn't worry about a canned response, it's better to be prepared than keep shrugging your shoulders and telling her you don't know.

I got half way through telling my wife but I just broke down and cried like I had never done before or since, it was like a millstone being lifted off my shoulders. I can't remember and deep questions being asked at that time but we did manage to talk it through afterwards ti try and get the basic questions out the way.
I'm afraid the problems start in the cold light of day , when it's sunk in , I wanted so much to share it with her and she put the DADT wall up, that hit me so hard I felt totally rejected and unloved , I spiralled down and nearly ended my life . that was twenty years ago and I have no intentions of going down that road again, so I had to turn to counselling so get some answers to my genders issues. I now know myself and my CDing needs my wife accepts but still doesn't want to see it but she is more supportive. To me coming out had to happen , my family all know now and I go out socially , I guess it's as good as it gets , we have good days and bad but I'm still married with a loving family.

"Are you gay" was the first one. "Do you like men" was the next.

Ideally they would be like AvenueQ

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Ahem, so, uh, why are you telling me this?
Why should I care?
I don't care.
What did you have for lunch today?

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The first question I was asked was "who is this" (looking at a photo.) The second was "What's your name?"

Hi Elizabeth,

The questions listed by Scarlett are a cert & I suspect most CDs have difficulty answering the "why?" question for themselves let alone their partners - I'm certainly still trying to give myself an answer. Questionsgalore27 also raises a very valid question from an SO perspective about how your partner might wonder how she fits into your life as a CD & how that affects your future relationship. So, without necessarily having a prepared script, it would definitely be worth seeing if you can answer those questions for yourself before speaking to your SO.
Best wishes & I hope you have a positive outcome.

Molly.

Questions I got were are you gay, do you want to be a women and are going to wear that with those shoes

Kelley

I'm guilty of asking both those...I'm not sure why that's where most women go. Maybe because they still want to fit into your world. Mostly, I didn't want to lose my man to someone else.

This is based on my own experience; my wife asked me :
- why did you not tell me earlier ? When were you going to tell me ?
- did you want a sex change to be a woman ?
- did you ever try on any of my clothing ?

That was about it. She never asked if I was gay, my wife knows that CDing does not necessarily equal gay.

As others have already mentioned, be truthful.

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Originally Posted by Scarlett Viktoria

The questions I got were;
"Are you gay?"
"Do you want to be a woman?"
"How long have you been doing this?"

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In addition to those, my wife asked me, "Why didn't you tell me before you asked me to marry you? I'm not sure if I would have said yes."

That one really hurt.

Just adding another check mark in the "are you gay" and "do you want to be a woman" column

No, and...no??

As for coming out before we were married, I'm a late bloomer, before we were married I was a sensitive yet freaking raging bull! (That's why she married me and to this day no regrets!)

Dear Elizabeth, I never shared my CDing with my wife of many years; then she passed away. Since then I was more open with others ladies; one is now my wife. Why not try a gentler approach: You could "notice" that some ladies underwear (jockey hi-cut briefs) look a bit like men's briefs. You could suggest that you like the look of those ladies briefs and would like to purchase and try them on for fit. I have often wished I had tried that with my first wife. Charlyne

My SO told me about the crossdressing during our first week of dating. We had known each other for three years before this, but not intimately. He obviously anticipated the standard "Are you gay, do you want to be a woman" questions, and so he sent me a link to a site that explained the basics of crossdressing and that addressed those questions.

I was immediately accepting and so over time my SO felt free to expand the crossdressing. After about six-eight months of dating it had become quite a large part of our lives. Without going into all the details of how much it had all changed, over the following years I started to ask myself these questions: "Am I not enough for him, does he fantasize about other people, is he only with me only out of convenience, does he want me to be lesbian (because I'm not), does he want to come out to everyone, how will coming out affect our lives, how will my kids react when they find out, how will this affect my custody battle, what will happen to his job".

When I tried to discuss my fears without sounding as if I was non-supportive of the CDing, my SO would take it that I was being negative. So I stopped. Again without going into all the details, eventually I began to distance myself from our relationship because I had come to feel unwelcomed in my SO's life.

It's all OK now and the Pink Fog has been over with for years, but I'm telling you this story because there may be some questions your wife will have after a while that she may not know how to ask, if you do begin to ramp up the crossdressing like my SO did. So please just be aware that if your wife is ever unhappy about something, it will likely be because she has unanswered questions.

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Originally Posted by Sometimes Steffi

In addition to those, my wife asked me, "Why didn't you tell me before you asked me to marry you? I'm not sure if I would have said yes."

That one really hurt.

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Ouch. And hence, why many of us wait until after marriage. Not saying it's right - cause it's not. I wonder how many couples fail to show their true selves until after marriage? It's not just a CD thing.

So many of us just want to be accepted. And, I would prefer not to hear the cliches about "I live my life like I want, and I don't care what people think."

The simple fact is we behave differently depending on the situation, regardless of how "free-spirited" we think we are.

I have no problem with walking around naked, but I'm not about to go shopping like that.

Hell, if you any amount of empathy, you do or say things that would not offend others. Maybe that's why many of us don't tell our SOs. It's not necessarily all about lying and deceit. If it were, then it would be malice, and I don't think anyone that failed to disclose early on would agree with that.

Thank you all so much for the responses. This is why I'm so glad that I found this forum.

I suppose if I had all the answers to all of these questions already I could quit my day job and become a therapist. You have all given me a lot to think about. It will likely be some time before I have this conversation with my wife but this will really help when the time comes.

Jennifer - your letter is so spot on and says almost everything I want to say that I feel I could have written it myself, albeit not quite so eloquently. Permission to plagiarize?

Teresa - I saw another of your posts describing your dark times and I'm so glad that you made it through.

Again, thank you all so very much.

Elizabeth

Hi Elizabeth,

I notice from your introductory thread that you think there's little to no hope of your wife accepting your dressing. Can I ask why you think this? If it's as you say, please do think very hard whether tell and make sure you're prepared should the worse happen. Although you'll read many success stories on this site, there are also stories of where it didn't go well.

I appreciate that you've said that potentially telling your wife is a long way off, but I know from experience that it's very easy to get carried away with the high of dressing and before you know it, you're revealing all. As many on here say, once you tell, you'll either get acceptance on some level or you won't.

Looking through your responses to threads, I see many similarities to my own experiences. The only real difference is (and this is the key point) although I was terrified of telling my wife, I felt that on balance it was more likely she would accept my dressing than not. Internally I struggled with this for a long time but told her soon after being on such a high after a dressing/makeover session. I think, in the end for me, I didn't want to live a lie for the rest of my life.

Fortunately after the initial upset she did accept it. Like many others she asked if I was gay, did I want a sex change, had I been out dressed and had I met others while doing so. The answer to all these was no and she asked me them again and again for the first few days. If you're interested I posted about it here. At first it didn't go well, but she soon came to terms with it. I feel very lucky.

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Originally Posted by Jenniferathome

in my signature is how I did it and my wife's response

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So I read your signature line. At the time, she said she wasn't ready to see you. Has she seen you fully dressed (wig, make-up)? How did that evolve? and how did it evolve that you went out publicly?
Tina

Yes, Tina, she has seen me many times. We have gone out together several times.

I think about 4 to 6 months after I told her, I showed her some pictures then showed her a heavily edited video of me getting ready. The idea being she could bail out if it bothered her. We watched it together. The next step was me buying a dress and her asking to see me in it, as my male self. Then, a short while later, she was out all day, I was dressed, and when she got home, I camped in the bathroom and asked her through the door if she was ready to see me and if not, I'd change. She said let's do this or something like that and out I walked.

Her first reaction was to laugh, not in a mean way, just out of shock and surprise. It was really not as big a deal as we both thought it might be.

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Originally Posted by sarah7391

Hi Elizabeth,

I notice from your introductory thread that you think there's little to no hope of your wife accepting your dressing. Can I ask why you think this? If it's as you say, please do think very hard whether tell and make sure you're prepared should the worse happen. Although you'll read many success stories on this site, there are also stories of where it didn't go well.

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Hi Sarah,

Thank you for some very sage advice and for the link to your own experiences coming out to your wife.

The short version ofwhy I fear my wife won't be accepting is that although she is quite progressive and liberal with respect to gender roles in general (for instance she was ecstatic with our supreme courts recent decision regarding gay marriage), she holds some more traditional role views with respect to our relationship.

This is not a subject I am not taking lightly and will be agonizing it for some time to come.

I have received some very good advice here and for that I am truly grateful.

Elizabeth

Telling all is very much like gambling and as they say about gambling, only gamble if you can afford to loose, it all very much depends on the strength of your relationship and how well you think you know her, what I will say is that if you decide to tell her, hold nothing back, tell all there is to know about your dressing and where you wish do go with it, I've leaned from my own experience that I could have been a little more honest, instead my wife sees progression as I see her becoming more comfortable with it, I have no desires to transition or to come out to the local public but I'm pretty sure this is what she fears, I've told her I've reached my goal and this is as far as it goes but she still worries, I do venture out in public in another city, she doesn't know this and I really don't know how she would react, I've chosen to keep this from her but wish I could tell all, I've read a few posts of here of people venturing out to her, this is in the hope that she'll ask me if I want to go out, this will be my opportunity to say yes I feel I need to, I cannot tell her I've already been doing so, anyway, as above tell all if and when you get the opportunity, honesty will make life so much easier for you.

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Originally Posted by Elizabeth G

...The short version ofwhy I fear my wife won't be accepting is that although she is quite progressive and liberal with respect to gender roles in general (for instance she was ecstatic with our supreme courts recent decision regarding gay marriage), she holds some more traditional role views with respect to our relationship. ...

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Elizabeth, I'd like to offer one final comment about coming out. Please read what the wives and girlfriends have written, typically in the Loved One's section, about the coming out or finding out events.

What you will read, to a woman, is that it is NOT cross dressing (although that is weird) it is the hiding of this secret that is most bothersome. I'll add something I have written many, many times, if the foundation of your relationship is strong, your relationship will survive this reveal. That does not mean a girl's night out every week and it could mean DADT but is does not mean divorce.

Best wishes

and I forgot one of the big questions that pop up: What else is he hiding/not telling me?