Family in crises needing answers

Hi
Before i start i will apollogise now as this is going to probably be a very long post.
Very interesting one too, probably one you wont have answers too.
But i need to try find out before i go crazy.

here goes...going back to 7 years ago i met my boyfriend and after we had our son,
He then slowly came out and introduced he liked to crossdresss.
By coaxing me in gently, hes the most loving guy anyone could meet,
So yes i fell i was deeply in love with him and had a 1 year old little boy.
We got engaged but never ended up been married.
But I was really starting to enjoy the new person in our lives Bella she was called.
I then fell pregnant with the most amazing baby girl.And we was happy for a while and focused on the kids.
But things changed Bella she got too needy and full on and very high sex drive and i was feeling so intimidated by her
more she pushed more i backed away.She used to go bed alone and masturbate etc then i would go bed wondering who i was sleeping with.
I resented her but loved him.
In the end to save our relationship he moved out just up road.
And we been doing really well family days with kids etc.
Then like all relationships things change.
And in December He told me it was over.I was relieved Bella had gone i hated her.
But i was devastated i had lost my soul mate.
I knew he had gone into denial so i confronted him and he admitted he liked to dress and i wasnt there for her.
We agreed that it wasnt the dressing that bothered me, it was who bella had become.
We then said we could try a different approach and dress more casual and calmer
and then we agreed on a name.Chrissie.
We been doing really well but i had noticed all these years sex was like 3 of us there and i never knew who i was with at times.
always had to reach for bra or pantys or lippy on .our sex life suffered badly for me but Chrissie was thriving.
she even slept in nighty saying happy to be me.
Any ways me and her got close and she then got more needy and full on and sexual.
Now after 8 months of trying Hes broken up with me and left me with 2 children 6 and 5 that we both put first with all our heart.
He says now he cant handle been around me unless hes dressed as Chrissie.
But dont want a atmosphere around the children.
Now he rings me and asks me to go talk or comes here and soon as hes here he as to change to her to be able to be around me.
This is totally killing me as he wants sex while hes her and i have got used to her but next day hes ashamed and i feel like was a 1 night stand.
He cant be around me till hes wearing jewelry or something of hers.
Says we are done,And he wantsto be happy as a male.
But refuses to get rid of her. And says he cant be near me cos i bring her out in him.
Now in 2 weeks our daughters 5 and we booked 10 day holiday All paid for at seaside for her,Kids are so excited,
but Hes struggling to be around me now.
And says he cant do this.He tells me he cares for me and always will.
i know he does hes 45 and im 47 we both have adult kids too.
Hes just told his kids and they fine with him dressing.
Apperently his dad is a secretive crossdresser too and i just found out.
but hes so secretive only i knew tillnow and hes told his eldest kids.
both in thier 20sBut we refuse to put this infront of our little ones.
So we suffer in silence and really struggling.
He says he wants to live as a man and hes trying to. But if he talks to me he has to be around me as her.
Hes even walked on dressed as chrissie,to my home after hours of talking on vid phone.
im about a mile away and he enjoys the walk,at anytime at night.But dreads to be seen.
He hates what hes doing to me as he knows chrissies selfish, But he cant control her and i hear sorry so many times.
and i am getting hurt more and more every text and call and we have to communicate for our little ones.
If anyone as got the answers to this please tell me cos i am going out of my mind and so is he.
Hes been so low and mentioned suicide at times, and i been honest so have i but we wont cos our kids come first.
Top and bottom of this is we both suffering in silence please can anyone help us.

wiseyes

Inner conflict in a person is a terrible thing, I have dealt with it myself. Sounds like your SO has a lot of this. Id say until he comes to grips with his CD'ing and his fetish I doubt seriously it will get any better. He has needs and cd'ing is 1 of them besides the sexual part. I would say counseling, but thats only helpful if both are willing, me Ive not had counseling. I recently accepted this in my self back in march. I know I can say Ive never been more at peace and happy in my life. I dont know about him, but for me there is only me, sounds like 2 people? Youve given 2 girl names? I know for me I have in the middle mode as I like to call it. I have girl jeans and yes I wear panties with them, I have nice shirts all of which I can wear in guy mode, no 1 seems to notice or care, for me I know what Im wearing and yes it makes me happy, I also own dress's, skirts you name it. All I can say is maybe he needs to search for a happy medium which both of you can deal with. I wish you luck on your continued journey.

I AM NOT A THERAPIST!!!!

But, I think he is in denial, has a little self-loathing, and overcompensates by being over the top when femme.

An argument could be made that he is his true self when femme.

Therapy will go a long way in helping him understand the shame, persona changes, etc. with knowledge and acceptance, you two and your families will do much better. Others here are actually therapists, so use your own judgement.

I truly hope everything works out for all of you

Hi Wiseyes,

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Sounds like you're being dominated by his behavior. Based on what you say, you've been very accommodating to his fetish although you would like him to be masculine sometimes.

It also sounds like he has inner conflict about his sexual fetish as he feels guilty afterwards. He needs to see a therapist that can help him define his personality as a man and as a woman.

I certainly am not qualified to make judgements, I only have an opinion based on my own experience.

If any of my SOs had allowed it, I would have dressed in all modes while being intimate. I have been allowed to wear a nightie and panties, which is extremely erotic. Unfortunately, I became selfish and wanted to do it more and more, so my wife put her foot down and threw out my nighties. We have since come to a compromise where I am allowed panties and ladies nylon PJs that are styled like men's.

Once I was allowed to wear nighties, it was hard to go back. This has happened in 2 relationships. It's easy to indulge oneself and let the fetish become stronger. This leads to learned behavior that becomes the dominant stimulus for sexual arousal rather than the partner.

This can also create inner conflict and self loathing as he knows it's selfish behavior and that it bothers you, but feels like he needs it now, you have accepted it, so it becomes worse.

Perhaps therapy might provide an outside perspective for him to become more grounded and be more considerate to you and to sort out his feelings. He might be TG, he might be a fetishist that needs to learn how to compromise, he may need some medication if he's obsessive compulsive.

Maybe he could satisfy his fetish if you wore items that he finds sexy. Maybe he wants you to dress a certain way and that would satisfy his desires. Maybe you two could come to a compromise on his dressing where he would feel less guilty and you get something out of it too. After all, you deserve to be respected and your desires need to be met.

The fact that he can't even see you without wearing jewelry makes me suspect he may be obsessive compulsive. Unabated, it can get worse over time until it causes severe problems.

Wish I could help, honey. I know this is hurting you so bad and hope it works out for you.

I honestly don't understand what he's thinking here. It sounds like he only dresses around you? Is that the case? Or does he dress alone too? When most of us have an SO that doesn't like the dressing, we then stop (or never start) dressing around them... period. Perhaps you were the first to accept him, and maybe if he was more empathetic en femme, you could even still have relationship with him while dressed, but it sounds like you need break. Tell him in no uncertain terms, "I love you, and I understand you need to dress. But I can't be around you when you do." Encourage him to find a transgender support group so he can find an outlet for his femme side, and start over a relationship with him as a male only. I hope both of you can find a balance for the sake of your kids.

He does dress alone too,then wants me
Its difficult as I have just been diagnosed as disabled due to severe scoliosis of spine so sex. Is not good too.cant blame him for leaving me I'm not the woman he needs now.

Wiseyes,

Your partner and I appear to share many traits, I'm OK with a sexual relationship but the dressing takes it to a different level. The difference is my wife isn't interested so being dressed in the bedroom has never happened but since the her change of life our intimacy has gone. So we both accept my CDing has become a substitute.
I guess the point I'm making is I had to learn to respect my wife's wishes, after I came out to her twenty years ago her rejection of my dressing did almost bring about me ending my life. I will say when I got that close to it I never wanted to go down that road again.
You have to accept counselling as a means of helping you both through it, again I found that hard because my wife refused to be part of it.
At the end of the day I realised my family were very precious to me , they all know about my CDing but haven't seen me. I have found that going out socially does help.
It does sound as if your partner has to get his priorities sorted out, I nearly went down the road of separation but the loss and hurt was too much.
He must get counselling before he loses another family, you obviously still love him if he could learn to control his dressing needs.

Hello Wiseyes...
I'm so very sorry the both of you are going through what most certainly is a very difficult and complicated situation.
Like Lauren said, "I am NOT a therapist" and I'll add nor have I been trained as one.

However after having been a member of this forum coming up on a year and reading and participating in it almost every day since, one learns a lot about the different types of CDers there are out there. From what you've described it sounds like your S.O. has a sexual addiction and the CDing is simply a mechanism that is involved in that. Don't get me wrong, there are MANY here for whom CDing is a sexual component of a fetish or simply a vehicle toward arousal and release but what you describe sounds like something that goes WAY beyond putting on panties and slipping on some heels and donning a dress.

I would highly recommend a therapist for the both of you. I think there are much deeper issues behind Chrissie and why her personality is different and domineering of your relationship. For the sake of yourself and your kids I think talking to a professional would be very beneficial.

Hoping things turn out well for you dear.
Hugs, Sayyidah

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Originally Posted by Wiseyes47

.cant blame him for leaving me I'm not the woman he needs now.

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I know you love him and you believe you need him in your life, but that phrase tells me a lot. "He needs". He needs a lot of things, not the least of which is to QUIT being so self centered and become a PARTNER., Either he is in and will work to be less addictive and ...yes GROW UP and try being the adult once (sex isn't the core of a good marriage) or he needs to go away. You don't need the grief. You don't need to be his toy or his fetish. Honestly he sound less mature than your 5 year old. If it were me, I would say "goodbye. You want to grow up and take some responsibility and not allow your dependency and addiction rule OUR life, then you can learn to live it on your own" No one needs to be controlled by someone in this manner. And no you don't BOTH need to go to counseling, look out for you. If counseling will help you cope, go alone. Relationships are two way streets and this guy isn't pulling his half.

Bye Felicia...see ya. You may not think you can do better but his isn't even "good" better can only be the direction it will grow. If you're not the woman he needs, he isn't the man you need

If you want to stay together then you need to get him to go see a professional with you.

JamieG has it right I think.
Do you really need or want this in your life - if NO, then say no and advise her to see a therapist.

Hi Wiseyes and welcome to the forum, we're glad you found us.

One thing you're sure of is that your relationship can't go on the way it is, because it's hurting you too much.

Everything is so much more complicated when children are involved. It confuses your priorities.

I think you must put your own needs first now, because you have two little kids - you can't be expected to cope with your boyfriend's childishness too.

I don't know what your financial position is, but if you're not dependent on this man-child for food and shelter, it sounds like you can afford to lay down the law.

Make rules and stick to them- nowhere is it carved in stone that you must accommodate his childish, selfish ways.

He's become used to getting his own way and treating you without respect, and only you can change that.

Talk to us, try to think of someone you trust and respect to talk to as well, and listen to your heart. Make a list of your needs, and don't be filled with doubts about what you do or don't deserve- you do not deserve what he's offering, which is basically nothing.

Obviously you want him to pull some weight with the kids, so be clear with him that while you love him, you don't love his female side, and from now on he cannot be around you and the kids unless he's dressed as a normal male. He can crossdress to his heart's content on his own time.

He's going to throw a tantrum, act all hurt, blame you for being unfair, and keep trying to get his way- but if you're firm, he will slowly come to accept it.

Only you can end the cycle, and we can try to help you find the courage to stick to your guns.

Good luck and please keep checking in to tell us how it's going.

Hugs, Nikki

Hello wiseyes, You can find support here not only from x-dressers like myself but from GG's as well. The general conclusion is that he is self centered, selfish, and demanding of his own needs and no one else. The obvious answer(s) are a complete break from him, a therapist for him and for you and quiet possible a permanent end to a destructive relationship. The REAL victims here are the children, THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!!!!!! PERIOD!!!!!! He wants you to accept his x-dressing but is not willing to take the responsibility of it for his own, again NOT ACCEPTABLE. It appears he wants "his cake and he wants to eat it as well", again NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!!! Until he grows up, you don't need "another child" in your life.

Molly

Welcome to the Forum - you will get many opinions but you should see common themes.
I agree he needs to learn to be comfortable with who he is and is unlikely to do that alone. So a therapist or join here to learn more about his needs from thousands who have been there before. It may not be professional advice, but very experienced! At least a start.
You have been very accommodating but we need to hear Chrissie's / Bella's point of view. Possibly putting that into words and showing it to others may be the breakthrough needed.
Hopefully Chrissie will be willing to open up to this safe community of people who understand. But I think we are fair to the GGs who at least make an effort to learn.
Hugs Ellen

Welcome.
You are in a tough spot indeed. You sound like you love him but you need to understand he is using you to fuel his fetish.
That may sound blunt to some but from what you posted thats the way I'm reading it.
Now don't shift all the blame on yourself if you can't give him sex because of your disability.
The only thing I see here is he is the one with the problem that needs to be addressed by a professional.

Someone online says Counseling Doesn't Work. There's a 60-70% failure rate and it even tends to make relationships worse.

First, the goal: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. Regardless of how trivial the decision might be, a couple should get into the habit of negotiating with each other until they come to an enthusiastic agreement. Capitulation on either spouse's part should never be tolerated. And trying to force your solution onto your spouse is abusive and controlling -- it leads to marital disaster.

Second, the process: Brainstorm possible solutions with respect for each other's perspectives until you are in enthusiastic agreement. These guidelines encourage spouses to consider each other's feelings and interests whenever there is a decision to be made. As lifetime partners that affect each other in everything that they do, they should act as if they are one entity.

Giving your wife whatever she wants isn't the way to make her happy. Since you are now partners in life, and everything you do will affect each other, what you do for her must make you happy, too. Otherwise, she will feel unfulfilled and frustrated with your reluctant efforts. The same is true for the way your wife should try to make you happy.

Wiseyes,
The sooner you get rid of this selfish, controlling , the better off you'll be. He knows Chrissie's selfish but he can't control her. Really? He puts his own sexual needs before yours and those of your young family? I don't know how many more red flags you need. Some people are just a-holes who care only about themselves, it happens.
Do the best you can for yourself and young family and if you can afford to, avail yourself of some therapy to restore your self esteem before "Chrissie" can damage you any further. Send this pos down the road...

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Originally Posted by Erin Lafleur

The sooner you get rid of this selfish, controlling the better off you'll be.

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But life isn't always that simple. You're talking about the father of her two young children. A far more constructive solution would be to establish ground rules with him and start the process of getting his presence in all their lives back onto an even keel. Clearly he isn't going to do it on his own, and without him she has 100% responsibility for two kids 24/7. How would you like to deal with that?

And with him, she has 100% responsibility for three kids...
BTW, I brought my son up, on my own, from the age of 18 months so I know a little bit about being a single parent. It's not difficult...
Trying to "fix" a toxic personality is exhausting, draining and ultimately an exercise in futility. Let him fix himself...

I think the process that Niki posted is the answer but mixed in with LelaK response. The answer is communication and all needs to be agreed on by both. But you do need to put a list together and workout what you expect. This will help you organized your thoughts for effective communication.

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Top and bottom of this is we both suffering in silence please can anyone help us.

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So getting the communication going is what's needed IMHO. I think you need to talk about your sexual desires and his sexual desires. He has ended up wanting to have orgasms that can only be achieved when dressed and with a woman (you) at the same time. But it sounds like you're saying he needs something more than that to satisfy what appears to be a sexual addiction.

You've got to get him to open up and tell you what his fantasies are. Apparently he has some that may or may not involve you. So a discussion at the kitchen table (TV turned off) is in order. I bit of alcohol may help loosen you both up, but you don't want it to end up in a drunken argument either. Try to discuss without getting emotional about it. The goal is to find out if there's a future for the both of you or not. Is there hope for your sex life? If not can you live together?

Wishing you the best.

I agree with the previous commenters who have suggested finding a therapist for both of you. There has been so much investment in this relationship, and so much openness and acceptance and sharing in the past, that I think it would be a mistake to let the current hostilities and bitterness break it up, without some intentional work. It may prove that you need to split up permanently, but it could also pave the way for a new way of being together. I hope you'll try it. Oh ... and if he won't go for it, that's all you need to know, and you need to live your life without him.

Try to see if things would be easier to explain in a 3-people relationship where his brain is not only hosting his male self but also a female twin sister. It sometimes happen in early twin pregnancy if a girl fetus does not carry through and escaped/merged into the remaining boy. When there are siamese twins, it is easy to tell there are two people because there are two heads, but if a single normal body is born, it is harder to tell before adult life but hints can be given from issues like CD or schizophrenic or nymphomaniac condition. It may not be the case, but if it was, I hope this idea will give everybody a chance to understand each other's perspective.

Citations and proof? Or wishful thinking? Vanishing twin syndrome doesn't seem to have effect early (late onset may have complications), and Siamese twins are always same sex.

You must talk face to face with someone, this is too big to face alone and the longer it goes on the harder it will get, counselling does work if you both take responsibility for yourselves, have you suggested to him to talk about his feelings here, we all know what the problems are,

Hazelxxx