Are we being selfish?

I've never been very active here in the past, but reading a fair number of posts recently got me thinking about my own dressing, and my own relationship with my wife.

Our needs to dress, to experience our femme side, being addicted to various items of clothing or make-up or experiences can all cost a lot of money, and a lot of our free time as well.

It's easy to neglect our SO, especially when starting out and wanting to experience as much of this CD thing as quickly as possible. I myself am guilty of buying more lingerie and jeans than I need. From the partner's point of view, it can definitely seem very selfish indulgences.

This is as much a question for myself as for anyone else. Do you actively love your SO as much as you love your femme self? Do you pay as much attention to your SO as you do to yourself?

If not, can we justifiably expect the SO to accept our dressing without complains or jealousy?

If not, can we really be surprised when the SO asks us to stop? Maybe what they are really asking for is to be loved? To love them as you seem to be loving your femme self?

If the table is turned and she says she wants to dress in men's clothing, how would you feel? Would you feel she's not the same woman anymore? Is that fair? Can you honestly say you don't mind and will be supportive? I'm not sure how I will feel, and I fear I may react very negatively. This gives me the realisation on how wonderful and accepting my wife has been so far. Although she's not keen on me wanting to take things further, she's been very accepting of me under dressing 24/7, and encourages me to wear dress up for bedroom fun.

Are we being unreasonable? Are we trying to push the boundaries too far too quickly? Can we blame them for wanting to change us and mould us and make us do things their way? Have they not earned that privilege?

Of course each SO is different, and some can be totally unreasonable, but mine in honestly has acted far better than I may have done. On balance she's been accepting more than not, is it reasonable for us to expect all our demands are always accepted without fuss? Of course not. Relationships are about give and take, compromises is to be expected. I fear I have been taking more than I have given.

With this I feel I must right that balance, starting from tomorrow.

There is no question that what we do can and is selfish at times, I know in my own situation I've broken boundaries that my
wife put in place and it has hurt our relationship. Do I love my fem self more? That's a tough question and I won't say I love
it more then my wife but I do seem to do more for my girly side then I tend to do for the wife.
I agree we all should look inward and consider how this effects our spouses but I do think they should consider seeing our
side as much as they can. It's not easy having these feelings inside of us and we are constantly reminded of things around
us that we want in being fem.
It's a tough balance for sure

My wife loves having a shopping friend, loves having a husband who knows women need shoes in black and white. A partner they can relate, share and live with her partners big secret. My wife's biggest problem with my dressing is she hates when my opportunity doesn't happen and I get mad and moody. When plans change I get very nervous and angry and she hates when I get that way. I can't help it when you look forward to sometime to dress and over and over plans change alway to my disadvantage, and I can't help it I get out of control. Let's say short fuse, my wife tells me she can handle all of Maria but she can't tolerate my temper when I lose my opportunity. I guess I could try harder to control myself

If you exclude your wife during your girl time then yes it is.
If she is included in your girl time no its not.

Of course it is a little selfish, but in every relationship there is a selfish time, out with friends, hobbies etc...I go to work about 10-12 hours a day, earn a good living, provide, take my wife out on dates, do allot of cleaning in the house and cook each night. I check in and act like a good husband...but of course I dress to. That is my thing. Why can't it just be accepted for what it is. If my wife needed man dress time, I would do what I could to support it, and make her feel good.Cause thats what people do in relationships...when they love each other...

Sometimes we are, especially if you have a wife who can accept the fact but doesn't really appreciate it.

AT the same time, everyone occasionally does need to be selfish and take care of themselves. I would rather be selfish like this than be abusive, self destructive, etc.

Personally in the last 12 months I've spent
about $2,000 on photography and about 100 hours
about $500 on crossdressing and 100 hours

My wife has spent
about $1000 on gardening and about 300 hours (twice the cost and 3 times the time of my crossdressing).
about $1200 on pay tv and about 1500 hours watching it (twice the cost and 15 times the time of my crossdressing)

I've never thought to compare our interests before today

I know that when i was married i more than likely was selfish .I did not always get what i thought i needed and she thought i got way more than i needed .It seemed we could just never reach that happy medium .Now i am happy and medium but not medium rare

Swottie,
It's a continual learning curve and as we travel along the gender road our needs change. Most of us can't stop and shouldn't even attempt to make the empty promise that we can. It's important that we make it clear to our partners that this is the case, we are living with something that's an integral part of us, it's almost a selfish act for them to expect us to stop.
One promise I do intend to keep with my wife and that is it's not costing a fortune , all my things come from charity shops, apart from underwear, she knows I shop and where my things are kept.
Before you can make compromises you must know where you are on the gender road, consider yourself before trying to appease others, that is not being selfish , it's being realistic.

I read several issues into the post. Yes, there may be an element of being selfish. If buying a second set of clothes to express a feminine side and you cannot afford it then there is an element of selfishness. If the little kids need shoes and you're buying five inch high heels, you're selfish or worse. Then, again I'd say the same thing about any hobby or vice that consume the family budget. Race cars? Helicopter skiing?

The same thing may be said of not spending time with your loved ones. Instead of playing Scrabble with the kids, you're locked away in the bedroom preening yourself in front of the mirror, is that being selfish?

The issue that is really difficult to convey to a wife is a desire to wear women's clothing has nothing to do with the wife's sexuality or desirability. I've heard many many times over the decades a complaint made of a man or a woman that he or she is love with herself or himself to the exclusion of others. Throw wearing women's clothing into the equation and it's no wonder a wife may be totally confused.

I don't think there is a one size fits all answer for this but if you're unavailable to love and be loved, you're probably being selfish. I can only imagine that trying to balance 2 lives is even more intensely painful than trying to murder half of yourself. I think rule making should be avoided at all costs. If you are reasonable people in love, there is no need to tear a soul apart and invoke social type machines and definitions for acceptable behaviour and timing. You should be free to be respectfully yourself at any time with the person who truly loves you - the right minded goal of any relationship.

I can't answer for the we of us Swottie, but will answer for myself after going over this a few times.

No!

Just my personal opinion,

Stacy!

There is no question that having an accepting spouse or at least one that is tolerant is a big help. But we still have an obligation to keep ourselfs under control.A times a very hard thing to do. I have been guilty of over indulgence more than once, but have learned to question myself as to the real need and to dial back my urges to purchade every whim I see or feel. The result is a better relationship with my wife and the abilty to openly tell her of any purchases I plan to make. After all. She does my books.

From my GG perspective, I don't view his CDing as selfish. In our case, I love when he dresses, so it's something he shares with me. He doesn't do full drag, so there isn't a huge time commitment, and we spend a lot of time together. I think if we had shared finances, I would be concerned about his spending on garments that he admits is excessive and unnecessary, specifically because we both have tight budges right now. However, as others have noted, it's similar to any hobby or interest.

I have a close friend who loves board games and buys one or two new ones each month. He has bookshelves full of them. They cost anywhere from $30 to $150 each. He also invests in games in development on Kickstarter. That's a lot of money, but he loves it, and he plays them often and shares them with friends, so there's a social piece to it too. Another friend collects rare books. They costs hundreds each, and he has dozens of them. He doesn't read them, it's just that he has them and they're precious. And I have a friend that's a foodie. She spends way more money on eating out than I ever would, but she loves eating amazing food and trying new and exotic things. I all those cases, regardless of whether it's something used and shared or more personal and private, it's the thing that makes them happy.

CDing is the thing that makes him happy, and we've got this one life, so he might as well do what makes him happy. And I should also note that he regularly tells me how much it means to him that I'm not only so accepting but that I clearly genuinely love this aspect of who he is. So, in that regard, his CDing is something that makes us closer. That's my experience and perspective.

Swottie, in your case, I bet your wife would love to hear about your ponderings and conclusions on this.

I'm not sure,in my case being closeted I still take care of my family give them as much time possible. "A real man can not say he's a man,if he doesn't spend time with his family. "On that note, I feel my CDing will hurt my SO and confuse her.In my opinion selfish will be telling her knowing that it will hurt her,so like the mafia,"don't ask me about my business. "I prefer to keep it to myself.I take one day out of the month,for myself and the 29 or 30 days belong to the family, I have a couple outfits,3 pairs of shoes and boots.I don't think I'm taking a lot from them.Sorry if I didn't answer your question, just my toughts.
Love&hugs

Is it any more selfish than say being a golfer? How many "Golf widows" are there out there. A set of sticks can set you back big money, club membership, green fees, that little side bet, time spent on the 19th, a week away getting in a few different courses with the gentlemen. Should we feel anymore guilty of spending time and money on our hobby just because it's not mainstream, something viewed by many as somewhat of an oddity?

I think it's important to separate what we do from just how much time and money is spent doing it. Swottie, would you have asked this question if what you do was anything other than CD'ing? My spider senses tell me not.

You say it like being selfish is always a bad thing, but you need to be selfish to a degree to be happy and stay sane. If your behaviour causes big problems that you're not willing to compromise on then that's a bad thing, but generally doing something that makes you happy shouldn't be a problem. Besides, someone telling you not do something harmless because they don't like it is pretty selfish of them. They can't have it both ways!

If its a peronality or identity thing then there really isn't a truly happy compromise. If you're getting off on just putting clothes on and then getring yourself off, probably should expect aome rules. Pretty sure that my SO wouls get tired if finding me wanging one off classic dude style everytime she left the room.

Is the real question are we being selfish or too selfish? Everyone has to take care of their needs as well as their SO, unless you are lucky enough to have someone like Gabriella and the needs match! If you replace CDing with some other hobby, would the SO feel as upset - sports, car, boat, poker, drinking, fishing, etc. The problem as I see it is she can't talk with her friends about it as much as those. My wife spent over $26,000 over the last decades on things I categorized in the online checkbook as Images-nails, hair, Elizabeth Grady facials, etc and even more on clothes. I spend much more time helping her with her projects inside and outside the house, but she can talk about landscaping with friends. She does not want to mention having a husband who is pretty and so chooses not to be involved in my dressing time. She has begun to let me express my feminine thoughts when shopping for her clothes. I can just go slow, but I don't feel as selfish as my wife claims I am.
Hugs, Ellen

Yes it can be selfish. The question is, is it any more selfish than other hobbies men have? Say every Saturday on the golf course with buddies? Or spending all your evenings in the garage restoring a vintage sports car?

We have to seek a balance and set boundaries. We can not spend money that is for important family commitments. Only spend time that is not detrimental to your family or SO. Remember it is not tit for tat when it come to time or money. Just because your wife buys a new pair of shoes, doesn't mean you can or should. Nor should your SO tamp down your dressing just because she is uncomfortable with it. our SO's need to remember many of us have been dressing since we were 4-5 years old, and most of us were dressing long before they came along. We should not get in their face with our dressing. That will just build resentment and nobody will be happy. Family comes FIRST. :2c:
Sara

Sara's points about balance and boundaries are well stated. Am I being selfish by dressing? I think not. I (we) need to take care of ourselves. We can't be good husbands, fathers or SO's if we are miserable by suppressing who we are.

Love the image of Stephanie's helicopter going skiing. ;)

Love you all for your insightful replies. You guys are right that we need to respect ourselves, and love ourselves before we can respect others and love others. Yes, agree it's about balance too. I would normally say but at this stage, however there really is no but that I can think of right now.