Rejecting Bravery

I was at the hairdresser the other day getting my color refreshed and a light trim and came out looking gorgeous (well, for me.) Someone complimented me and added that I was so Brave (yeah, I could hear the capital B) to be out living as myself. Probably all of us who go out on a regular basis have heard the same thing. And I do understand what they meant. But it kinda abraded me...

I'm NOT brave for getting my hair done in a hairdresser -- everyone in that shop was there to get their hair done. And I'm not brave for shopping for groceries -- everyone in the supermarket is there to do that. Likewise eating a meal at a restuarant or going to a theater to see a movie aren't brave acts -- they're just me living. Don't tell me I'm brave. Tell the people who try to stop me from being out there that they're cowards (and jerks) for trying to oppress and intimidate others. We don't need the general public to admire us, we need them to condemn the people and the mindset and the culture that make what we do potentially risky.

But I just said thank you and how it was kind of them to say and went on my way. Hopefully they felt good about it and will tell their friends and let their experience speak at the ballot box. But there are days, I feel like people need a good shaking... ;)

While I would not equate it with the same level of bravery as that of a soldier going to war, I do consider it an act of bravery to confront the status quo, and to push the bounds of what is considered "normal" behavior!

Every time that you or I do something mundane while en femme; every time someone stretches the envelope, just a little, it is a victory.

We are living in a time & place where we are more accepted, even with the tragedies that have and do befall those on the trans spectrum. In a way, I think we have become spoiled by being able to present as we choose.

Imagine, back in the less enlightened times of the 1950's that you decided to have your hair done. How well do you think that would go? Or, you decided to do the grocery shopping in a skirt & blouse? Think the Police might have become involved? Do you know that in some areas, there are still laws on the books that make it illegal for a man to dress as a female?

So Bravery, maybe not. But it is still brave. :)

Just my 2 centavos

Pat you make very good points. Those who express transphobia ought to be called out. Yet you handled the encounter with grace and maturity.

When people say 'You are brave' it can mean a lot of different things- from "I wish I was that brave", to 'Wow it is dangerous to do that" , or 'I'm glad someone is standing up for their nature', but it always recognizes that the dominant culture is not yet reliably tolerant. And you are brave, actually!

Not to deny the fact that we shouldn't have to be brave - but that's probably true for every type of bravery!

A-men, Pat.
To be fair, at some point, bravery is involved for the TG person, but once we get beyond that, it's all about just being who we are and, as you point out, just doing the things that people do. Perhaps our message to those who think that getting nails or hair done, or dining out, or buying groceries is "brave" should be something like, "I thank you for the compliment, and it's true. You know, at one point, being who I am did require a certain amount of courage. If you truly admire me for being who I am, give some thought to how you could make it easier for the many others like me to be who they are, without the need for bravery."

Very well put Jen, very well put!

Stacy!

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Originally Posted by phili

When people say 'You are brave' it can mean a lot of different things- from "I wish I was that brave", to 'Wow it is dangerous to do that" , or 'I'm glad someone is standing up for their nature', but it always recognizes that the dominant culture is not yet reliably tolerant. And you are brave, actually!

Not to deny the fact that we shouldn't have to be brave - but that's probably true for every type of bravery!

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you took the words right out of my mouth and worded them better than i could have :) thank you

Almost two years ago Caitlyn Jenner was honored for "courage" by ESPN. It set off a fire storm of anger about how she wasn't courageous and how ESPN had bypassed people (read men) who were far more brave, especially those in the military and what she was doing was selfish and against nature. I argued that bravery and courage can take many forms. It takes courage to be a single parent. It takes bravery to save a life in the OR or ER. It takes courage to stand against hate and oppression. It takes bravery to stop someone from doing things that take another's civil rights.

Bravery takes many forms. They saw you as brave enough to bypass social barriers and to do what you were doing in spite of what others would say or think. You were brave to be you when it isn't accepted by a majority. The hair color wasn't brave (or was it? what color did you get?); it was the fact you did it when others would have not. We see it here a lot. Those who decide that they cannot suppress who they are and who make a statement and stand beside those who are being marginalized in order to stop it are brave. Those who stand up for themselves, knowing that it isn't what is expected of them, are brave. Usually those seen as brave by others are just survivors. Those who can no longer live in the dark or can see no other way to live thier lives. I can tell you that in the military, bravery is often the result of having no other choice. Brave people often don't choose that path, but have it thrust upon them

So true, so true. I've never been called brave but have been told "it's great your being open" or "I" think it's great you can go out dressed as a woman", I thank them and go about my way. I guess they just don't get it, I just want to live my life as I feel best, not hurting anyone or pushing any agenda on them. I guess it's their way of showing support for me but that's not what I'm doing out and about.

Pat I am going to go get my hair cut today actually trimmed. I am dressed completely fem. Brave, naw just my fem self out to get a haircut. I see what you mean and nobody has ever said I was brave to be out as a woman. I guess there is always the first time. And yes you did right by telling them thanks. And they probably appreciated that.

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Originally Posted by Pat (aka Jennie)

I was at the hairdresser the other day getting my color refreshed and a light trim and came out looking gorgeous (well, for me.) Someone complimented me and added that I was so Brave (yeah, I could hear the capital B) to be out living as myself. Probably all of us who go out on a regular basis have heard the same thing. And I do understand what they meant. But it kinda abraded me...

I'm NOT brave for getting my hair done in a hairdresser -- everyone in that shop was there to get their hair done. And I'm not brave for shopping for groceries -- everyone in the supermarket is there to do that. Likewise eating a meal at a restuarant or going to a theater to see a movie aren't brave acts -- they're just me living. Don't tell me I'm brave. Tell the people who try to stop me from being out there that they're cowards (and jerks) for trying to oppress and intimidate others. We don't need the general public to admire us, we need them to condemn the people and the mindset and the culture that make what we do potentially risky.

But I just said thank you and how it was kind of them to say and went on my way. Hopefully they felt good about it and will tell their friends and let their experience speak at the ballot box. But there are days, I feel like people need a good shaking... ;)

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While I agree with what you stated, I can imagine it would be frustrating, just try to focus on the fact that they at least they interacted with you and were trying to be nice to you. It's amazing how far society has come recently ... 10 years ago, they might've ignored you completely or worse, said something hateful or mean about you... or TO you!

Just think of it as trying to teach new technology to your parents... you know it's going to be irritating and rough in the beginning as they can't figure out the "input" button on the TV remote from cable to Netflix... that the first texts they sent had no punctuation and were longer than your high school term paper... that they can't program the directions into the GPS without talking to the damn thing.. but they were TRYING... and in baby steps, they got better and eventually got the hang of it.... and once they got the hang of it, it made their lives SO much easier and yours too!

Maybe next time, those ladies will ask your name?..l Invite you for coffee?... etc..

You did the right thing! Take it with a grain of salt and move on! What really needs to happen is in your last paragraph! "Hopefully they felt good about it and will tell their friends and let their experience speak at the ballot box." Hugs Lana Mae

I totally get where you're coming from and I'm right there with you. HOWEVER... you say that it's not brace to go to the grocery store or get your hair done or see a movie, but there are girls on this very forum who have never left the house or even their bedroom dressed and I'm sure that would greatly dispute how much bravery it takes to do those things. It might just be living your life now, but at some point you had to muster up the courage to take that first step out of the house, and that was indeed brave. Unless you never had any fear of ridicule, rejection, harassment, or violence, in which case you've gotta have ones of steel.

Jennie,

Deep concepts and truth you speak.

For me, the bravest thing I have done in my life was come out to my wife about ten years ago. I am about to recross that bridge again--and yes it will take bravery to engage her and establish some new boundaries. Today I was also courageous-- accomplishing a long desired goal, again. Driving home through a pounding Houston rain on freeways, fully dressed....tree branches, down, parts of road flooded: totally enfemme...well I just said my mantra: "I am relaxed and focused"--same one I use motorcycle riding.

Fear is the enemy, and the mind killer...

Agree transphobic people are the real cowards....and I know many...and have experienced some really chilling vibes and looks in Houston in the past...

I associate bravery and courage as not the same thing, many on here have the courage to go out. I don't as it would be a family tearing apart type of thing. Bravery is something that comes from deep down it is almost a subconscious thing that has to be done to save a life or defend our country. Courage is the ability to take the steps to be brave. I really don't know if my family would be torn apart but I promised my wife I wouldn't go out so I'm kind of stuck at this point. I'm trained in police skills, took karate four years, can legally carry and really use to enjoy a good fight. If an emergency happened I'd probably react with out thinking, but yet I haven't the courage to break my wife's promise to go out. I have been visiting her about it and one day if she says yes then I will deeply consider an outing. I don't pass but I wouldn't call it my bravery if I did as I wouldn't expect any trouble that I could not handle. This is just my humble opinion so tell me how wrong I am as I have big shoulders and can handle critism. I agree with every one our soldiers are courageous and brave.

Pat,
Take it as a compliment rather than an insult !

Several people have said it to me including my wife, they genuinely mean it, because they wouldn't have the same courage. TGs are making a place in society, people are beginning to realise that fact and they know enough to accept it can be a difficult role in life .

OK some will never understand it but they are the sort that probably give other members of society a hard time anyway .

The guy who runs my art group came out to me as being bi-sexual , he is very sensitive guy with a great sense of humour and he apologised for the unintended pun of telling me I had the balls to do it ! I thanked him for that and said yes but they can be a problem and have to keep them tucked well out the way ! He nearly choked on his coffee laughing at that one !

I admit I don't understand the behaviour of other members of society and maybe I've made wrong comments out of ignorance , you could ask the question why don't we all vote for the same person being the president or our prime minister ?

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Originally Posted by Fiona123

Those who express transphobia ought to be called out.

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As we've seen from recent events, most times when challenged, the homophobes and transphobes simply retreat to spaces where others of their kind exist in order to feel that they are with people who believe the same things that they do. Most people have very strongly held beliefs about sexuality, and are very, very reluctant to change that. THey so fear being considered freaks themselves, that they will hold onto their prejudices even stronger.

Being willing to risk your own safety is certainly a brave thing to do. While yes, the possibility of being attacked just for wearing the attire of the opposite sex isn't common, it occurs frequently enough to make it a risky thing to do, because once you're out, there's no turning back.