Honey - 1 year post coming out - thoughts
I’ve been a little absent from the boards as of late due to work but since it’s been just over a year since I came out to my wife I thought I would write a little about my journey, my experiences and some lessons that other may or may not benefit from.
The background to my story in can be read here (LINK), but in a nut shell my vice since childhood was lingerie. I started as a young boy and the desire remained though college, there it disappeared until I got engaged and my then fiancé moved in with a few draws of lingerie. I would sneak around late at night and wear her lingerie regularly when she was asleep and/or when I was home alone. For me I never thought about presenting as a woman, it was the feel, texture and feeling sexy in a feminine way. Often after sexual gratification I would sabotage myself and go into a spiral of personal confusion and self-destruction. This would often put me into a bad mood, I would snap at anything and I noticed that my moods were getting worse.
I ultimately reached a tipping point in late 2016, I simply made the decision to confront my personal fears and started talking openly to my wife. We spoke every day on this topic for over a week. I admitted I was afraid, I didn’t know if there was something wrong with me etc…. she encouraged me to see a therapist and spend time online researching as up till that point I was afraid of what I might find out. Then I found this forum and realized I was not alone!
After finding this site I spent weeks reading, learning, obtaining skills and tips, and enjoying the stories shared all of which helped me start to put my puzzle together. I found a whole new world out there and put some real effort into learning but did it with my wife, sharing my thoughts, fears and knowledge to the level she wanted to know. She was afraid too! It really all started when I decided I wanted to see what I looked like as a woman and felt I wanted to look at wigs! I shared this with my wife and we went out together to buy my first wig…..
A year later I have made amazing friends from this site and the events and organizations I have joined (Diva Las Vegas, Wildside, CHIC) that have literately held my hand through the past year, you know who you are — thank you! They have guided me in everything from clothing, make-up, forms, events, emotions, love etc… I could not and would not be where I am today without you all. Today I am balanced, confident and proud.
What I found interesting is early on in my journey I had a strong distain for labels and language historically used to describe crossdressing, transvestitism, fetish etc.. To me I found them either derogative or suggested that I have a choice. Early last year when attending Diva Las Vegas I heard the term “genderfluid”, I adopted that term very quickly when talking to my wife and best friend as I felt it described me perfectly. This set me up to gain what I now consider my personal acceptance to who I am.
Diva Las Vegas was my second fully dressed outing. My wife and I agreed on a “no fly zone” in my home town to preserve not being outed and/or potentially damaging friendships, careers etc… Over the past year I have dressed at least 40 times and found a real passion for shoes and makeup – if only I had a size 9! I have gone out in girl mode and hybrid modes which I must admit is awesome. I go to Las Vegas on work monthly and use this time to play and experiment with my looks. Hybrid-mode included full GQ guy-mode but with full-on glamour makeup, alternatively full GQ guy-mode but wearing killer 4” heels. I found that in Vegas anything goes and believe it or not the Hybrid modes killed it with the ladies, I got more interest those night than my entire freshman year of college, and before you ask I killed it in college. Ahhhh if I only knew then what I know now!
I still keep my this side of my life private, only four people in my life know, my wife my best friend (a woman), my mother and my personal shopper. All of whom totally get it and accept it and laugh with me all the time when they know I’m checking out a pair of shoes, a handbag or another woman’s makeup and call me on it quietly…. it’s fun, there is no judgment and I am simply being me! My passion for lingerie is held by my wife’s blessing to underdress in my preference of satin and lace thongs almost on a daily basis. It helps that my wife thinks I actually look better in them than when in my guy undies, she even buys them for me on occasion. I have a personal shopper at Macy’s and she has become my older sister and spoils me rotten, I have slowly built up a nice wardrobe often coming home and calling her right back to ask for a few items in my wife’s size! I sport painted toenails 24/7 (even in the gym locker room), and my wife and daughter love it, we often go as a family to get our nails painted. I don’t push it any further with my kids and don’t’ want to burden them with my choices at their age, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they didn’t care.
I am a typical athletic alpha guy, however, I have an open interest in feminine things as well and that balances me out without giving away the whole truth. Coming out and being honest has opened a whole new world for my relationships with my wife, we love to shop together and she now knows why I have good taste in clothes! We often go out looking for an outfit for her and she’ll grab my size too and we’ll both try on an outfit in the changing room and we always get comments from other women saying how lucky we are and how did my wife get me to go shopping with her etc… We both love make-up and we have been learning the art form together, she often asks me to do her make-up. Even presenting as a women in public taught me how to relate to horrors of heels that stick in holes in the sidewalks, gusts of wind that blow your hair into your freshly and carefully applied lipstick, or even that dude that comes up to you in the restaurant tells you your gorgeous and kisses you before you know what to do or react — Sara remember that crazy dinner you couldn’t stop laughing!
Yes, we have had many of the expected conversations around sexual preferences and if I had any desire to transition, which seem to be the primary questions and/or fears of our SO’s. Personally, I enjoy being a man, I love the female body and I am simply not attracted to men. Once she truly understood this and felt I was being honest with her true acceptance came along shortly thereafter.
This past year has had its share of tears, laughter and emotional challenges, but it took a lot of trust, heart and faith to get to where we are today. Today I can honestly say that I am a better person for having faced my fears and I am closer to my wife than ever before. I still have the occasional meltdown but they are rare.
None of us are the same, we are all wonderfully unique and each of our paths are different. I just wanted to share the beginnings of my journey and share that I feel whole, alive, happy and most importantly I love and accept myself and my gift of fluidity.
I hope that my sharing parts of my journey this past year touches some of you and provides someone going through their journey that there can be light, there can be a silver lining and there can be a happily ever after…… Now if only Christian Louboutin would read this and make his shoes in a size 12w I will be complete!
Hugs,
Below are photos of last weekends Honey night....
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