not more a crossdresser...

I remember around 2 or more years ago, when I began in this site how my life was.
Being short and simple I will say that I was very active sexual, promiscuous and every time I had an opportunity to dress it included sex, with myself or someone else.
Wife didn't know so it was very furtive and with lies to her. For me to dress was a sexual thing.
I couldn't understand those here that say that genre is separated from sexual orientation or they didn't have any interest in men, I honestly find them hypocrites.
I used to read about some differences that transsexual used to express in difference with crossdressers and I didn't understand. The last could feel some kind of discrimination like transsexuals made them feel less.
After go out to my wife things start changing, as a promise to her to not lying again with a man, I'm honest, I cheat a couple of times but soon that pleasure was changing.
The urge to get out to have sex, to go out and dress in a sexy way to attract men in a club was diminishing. In my own intimacy the self sexual complacency was decreasing too.
At the same time sex with wife was decreasing,
The opportunities to dress were supported by my wife as she was understanding and me at the same time that it wasn't a fetish or just a release of stress but a huge part of my life.
I began therapy a year ago and that was a landmark. I've read a lot of different views and experiences of crossdressers, transwoman that did SRS, and I learned a lot about myself.
But there was something that still bothering me, every night I could wake up in the middle of the night and not sleeping for an hour or more.
We discuss in therapy something crucial, HRT. I couldn't conceive that could be the way for me, but thinking and talking with wife, therapist and finally with endocrinologist, has been almost 4 weeks that I'm in and several things had changed very dramatically.
Today I'm considering even SRS but I must complete another year in therapy and HRT.
I begin dreaming about it.
I've seen a lot of pictures with the different stages of the surgery. It's gross and look a huge and radical thing to do but I'm, every day, more willing to do it.
To dress is not longer a game, a pleasure less a fetish but it's the expression of who I AM.
For some reason I was checking tons of picture of my life, since a child to today, and remember that I was never satisfied on how I did look as a man, just one picture in my 17's I think that time I would be a beautiful teenager and how my life would be. That is the only picture as a man that I feel comfortable the rest are just deceptions but when I see Vanessa, I feel a deep happiness, even sometimes without make up. I feeling the guts to go out dressed without make up, without, hip pads or breast forms, I want to live in that way, I want to be Vanessa.
Two of my married sons know about Vanessa. They'd never had seen her. Wife doesn't want but soon that will change. Just one of my sons that is passing for a divorce situation, we are protecting him of my reality because it would affect him.

I'd like to hear your experiences, comments and support.
I feel very accepted and loved in this place... but I wouldn't want to affect my relationship, my frienship with some good friends that I have here that are not in transition or don't have plans on it.

Wow great post and I will send positive waves....

Quote:

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.Today I'm considering even SRS but I must complete another year in therapy and HRT.

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Your on the right track in continuing getting help AND working with your wife. Time is on your side and no rush...

X Kara

Hey Nessa,

I am reluctant to share personal info anymore on open sections of the forum like this one. I have been stalked here and it has complicated things and affected relationships. That being said, good luck to you. Please be careful and go slow. Just as you have changed in a relatively short time, anything and/or everything else in your life can change too. Marriage, job, finances, relationships, all are vulnerable. It seems that your wife is cooperative now, and hopefully she will remain so, but statistically most don't. Things never stay the same. The path you are starting on is unbelievably long, painful and expensive.

Again, you know I am here for you. I prefer email but I will short answer a pm.

Nessa, many of us can look back, as I have, and identify behaviors that were essentially a way of coping with the discomfort of a transgender identity....sexual or substance addictions would certainly qualify...and they might even distract a person from the underlying issues for a long time. I certainly had my share. I also questioned my sexuality, I presume based on my errant assumption that trans = gay. In truth I was as transphobic as I was homophobic....at least in the self loathing sense. What I could accept easily in others, i couldn't accept in myself. (an echo of my ex wife....she was generically fine with trans and gay...except in me)

And I'm also questioning what I need to find the best person I can be....for myself. (novel idea!) In doing so, I find I'm more open to things I had not been before. At the same time, I'm contemplating what I need as a baseline....and what might be nice, but non-essential.

But that's all about me. I'm interested in learning how your wife has adjusted to the behaviors before....how aware she was of the cheating, for example. Has the more recent honest self expression been seen as a positive and relationship enforcing step? I hope so.

Kara, thanks for your support and good waves...I really believe on that, with a different name but positivism is contagious.

Jeri, my girlfriend, I love that, Nessa. You know that I deeply admire you and respect you because you're light years from where I am now, so I pay too much attention to your posts and all your words.
I know the fragility of life and relationships.
When I came out to my wife, I expected a divorce. It's been two years, it's not been easy but we love each other and if for taking my own route we should separate these two years has been a bless.
I hope we can keep together much more years but at the end of the day I'm counting to loose my whole family, friends and probably move to another state to begin a new life.
If things are less worse or better than that is gain.
I've been watching pictures about different surgeries and scary me but honestly I had several surgeries in my life and some in the last two years (I love when you fall sleep with the anesthesia lol)

Kim, I appreciate your words.
Interesting, I was very homophobic too, now I'd changed a lot and I'm a more tolerable person with others "mistakes" but I still not liking effeminate males, but I learned that the colors of the rainbow sometimes are very confuse.

Now I think a lot my actions regarding "illegal" things, like cheating my wife. In the past I did it because I was very confused in who I was and what I wanted for that reason any chance I have to talk with crossdressers I try to see if I can share my experiences to save them time and mistakes.

Luckily, My body has a natural resilience to not fall in addiction. While in the university, I tried several things but nothing catch me, neither alcohol or cigarettes and worse things but this addiction to dress was uncontrollable so finally came to the conclusion that wasn't a drug but who I am. So I forgive myself and I believe that that is one of the reasons wife still with me because had seen great changes in my personality.

For my wife the more horrible thing was my confession about bisexuality and promiscuity. At the beginning was a nightmare but she keep it in a place in her mind very deep, sometimes we had talked about it just to look for healing. It had help a lot my assurance of not doing it again and that had helped me too because my mind has change about my desires, my transparency because I'm open and willing that she can in any moment, if she want, check my emails, phone, etc, but she hasn't done it because now trust in me.

I hope had answered your questions,
Love to all you.