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I recently started crossdressing. I started and was enjoying it, but now I feel guilty for doing out. I had recently purchased panties and found myself throwing them all out to try and like get rid of it, if that makes sense. Have any of you ever felt this way and if so, how did you figure things out? I appreciate all of your help!
First off I want to poi t out I?m not en expert by any means but..... here is what I think... sorry if it is long
Ok. So what your feeling is guilty and years upon years of ?social? programming. From early childhood people are taught that guys must be x,Y, and z. They must dress this way, act this way and women must be E,F, and G and must act and dress this way.
This feeling of guilt is stemming from that programming as it don?t fit into the little box that people are raised being told is the ?social norm?. A LOT of cross dressers go though this at least at one point in their lives. I did for a while feeling guilty for liking to wear women?s styles. It wasn?t until I was in counseling to deal with the loss of several family members that I learned and understood this and that in the end this feeling of guilt was coming from nothing but that.
Once you learn and understand that this is literally nothing to be ashamed of that feeling of guilt fades away. If you ever want to talk, shoot me a message. I ended up tossing so many awesome outfits that I spent sooo much money on because of that feeling.
It is much like some of the fetishes out there. Some people have serious fetishes for feet, B&D, panties, funari , etc...They will buy all kinds of stuff and feel guilty about it later because the ?social norm? dictates that a person shouldn?t get Aroused From these things and then get ride of their items. But honestly someone that is into feet is not really any different then a guy that finds a women?s breasts their trigger.
I can't advise about the mindset/guilt changes you seem to be having but I do have a strong opinion on sudden purging, DON'T DO IT. Fold everything and put it away if you must and bring it out when you feel like it. If, after a period of consideration, you decide to resume dressing your basic wardrobe is still waiting for you.
Victoria makes such valid points. Any guilt springs from social programming that until recently said there's a simple gender binary, Male and female. Each sits in their own box and conforms to a set of norms. The little lady stayed at home while the man went out to earn money to put food on the table cooked by the stay at home mum.
If you're of a certain age it's very difficult to shake off these notions. To get to the position understanding that being you isn't something to be ashamed of.
Our dressing doesn't make the price of oil, food or for that matter anything change one way or the other. In material terms what we do doesn't effect materially anyone's daily life. The only time it does influence someone else's life is if they chose to make it so, usually out of a misguided set of so called moral beliefs. Beliefs that when challenged they find hard if not impossible to justify.
Our problem is we start with these same misconceptions deeply ingrained into us from childhood. In effect we have to press a reset button and start afresh. Once you can come to terms with that things get much easier.
Very true what the others have already said. For me, the guilt phase went away when I started going out dressed and meeting friendly accepting people. That does not mean I can dress in front of friends and family. So there is still fear of what could happen if some knew, so I chose to keep them separate. It does not work for everyone, and I would not even call it advice. That is what works for me. I hope you can find your balance as I like to call it.
Sandi
If this is really upsetting or confusing you, the best things to do would be to get counseling, or find a group in your area to join. You will find that you are not alone, and that a lot of your guilt feelings are unnecessary.
What ever you do, don't get into the Binge/ Purge habit. It's a waste of your money and time, and as everyone on the board knows, it won't help anything.
We all have experienced guilt, regret and buyers remorse. Its hard to grow up in Western culture without getting negative messages about cross dressing drilled into your head. But, as my psychologist said many years ago now, ...its not a crime, you know....
I very much agree with those who advise you not to purge. Furthermore, do whatever you can to reset your thinking on so as to relieve or all least minimize feelings of guilt and shame.
The final observation I offer is that while there is nothing inherently wrong or harmful in cross dressing, there can be adverse effects in relationships. Some people close to you may bear deep prejudices, may have baseless fears, or may simply not want to see it. Its your challenge to determine if any of your relationships are subject to these limitations, put a value on these relationships and decide on what you?re willing to compromise and what you are willing to risk in order to express your own desires.
SLCgirl,
First, welcome to the forum. You should find a lot of good advice and support here, particularly the "Don't Purge" suggestion. Store things when you can because the financial and emotional cost of replacement can add to the guilt or shame you feel. After you process some of this you may want to look around at your community. If the SLC stands for Salt Lake City I know first hand there are a lot of local groups and organizations that you could visit to help you see you are not alone, strange or needing to feel guilty about your exploration of gender. The Pride Center, Encircle and others, depending on your focus and age, can be great resources. In the last month I've had the chance to talk to three different CD's who had never met another transgender person face to face and that experience is positive and transformational. Don't be afraid to explore, you can change direction or reject it all, but you can do it from a place of knowledge.
What you felt is as common as the common Cold.
I'd venture to guess that nearly all of us have "purged" at one time or another or another or another. That deep feeling of shame, guilt, this is wrong is pervasive.
Trying to answer the Why so that we can get past those feelings is just as common. I've been trying to answer it all my life and finally just gave up. I no longer care. I've accepted myself and once that was done the rest was easy.
I can't add much to the excellent comments and insights already mentioned here. Having been crossdressing for 60 years I initially had no understanding of why I felt the need to put on certain types of women's clothing. The first explanation was when I read an article written by Ann Landers ( those more mature readers will remember her popular column) and I saw for the first time the words Transvestite and cross dresser. I realized that I was not alone and there was an explanation for what I was feeling. My point is you have an opportunity by being on this site to better understand your feelings than some of us more mature Cd'ers did early on and this forum can help you address your feelings and help you have a more positive approach dealing with issues we crossdressers deal with.
SLC girl, You've come to the right place for help. Welcome aboard, sister. Your profile indicates you are 25 y/o. Most of the girls here would probably give their breast forms to be your age and have available what you have today. If you wish, tell us more about yourself. That info may well be of value in helping you in the future.
I think it’s important to differentiate “guilt” and “shame”. Guilt implies you are guilty of a wrongdoing and feeling remorse. Since you haven’t done anything wrong, what you’re feeling is more like shame, which arises from violating or going outside of societal norms. Different doesn’t make it wrong, and the best way to get over shame is to surround yourself with a society that accepts what you do. That means seek out other dressers, trans people, etc.
slcgirl09, I don't feel the guilt anymore. I have decided that I'm a crossdresser. I always have been. What you and I are doing doesn't hurt anyone, so why should you feel guilt.
Find a support group in your area and hang out with some people just like you.
Don't assume there isn't a group close to you because crossdressers are almost everywhere.
Look up your local LGBT office and ask them if there is a group in the area.
I think a group will help you with your shame issues.
I hope you are not one of those that over uses the word like.
Slcgir,
May I ask what was the trigger that started your CDing and why do you now feel guilty ?
I'm sure many would agree they dressed possibly because of sexual needs and then discarded out of guilt and shame , again for me and possibly others it evolves , the needs change , the clothes begin to take on a differnt meaning . It becomes clearer there are deeper forces driving the need , my dressing strarted at the age of 8-9 , at that age I reaally didn't know what was going on , I possibly thought it was something boys grow out of but suddenly in my forties I needed to escape confinement so I came out to my wife , it didn't go well but soldiered on into my sixties and finally realised it wasn't going away I needed to really come to terms with it , so after counselling and a separation I've finally gone full time . My big regret is it took too long to find myself ,you have age on your side , so please stop feeling guilty and ashamed , it is part of you and you are on a voyage of discovery . We have nothing to feel guilty and ashamed of , most of us were wired differently so we have to learn to live with the life being a CDer or TG , after all these years I've found a balance and enjoy what I am , I have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about .
Hi, SLC girl! Welcome to the forum where there is much knowledge, experiences and opinions! I had no idea what was going on with me and dressing in women"s clothes until I came here and read and learned! You may need a counselor to get to some of your issues but for now sit back and read what you can find here! I have grown so much and have only been here for about 4 years! You may PM me anytime! Hugs Lana Mae
Too true. Slcgirl, the best thing you can take away from this forum is the knowledge that you don't need to feel guilty. We have all been there and most who have will tell you that getting past that is life changing.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cheryl T
Now, that's not to say you need to be out to everyone. With the exception of a significant other, your gender nonconformity might be something which, for good reason, you choose to keep private. Just don't hide it out of guilt.
The only peice of women's clothing I have is red leggings. I have noticed that comments by my SO or 1 of my coworkers really haven't bothered me. Looking forward to di.more crossdressing. Be strong and be you. Blessings Andrea
Quote:
Originally Posted by slcgirl09
I used to feel that way many years ago...both the guilt and the purge... I only had one major purge and I’ve regretted it ever since.. it’s taken me a long time to build my wardrobe back up and many of the things I threw out are no longer available.
If you’re like me , the guilty feelings came because of the fear of family and/or friends finding out and the crippling fear of what their response would be.. after awhile, I came to the realization that if I just keep it to myself, that nobody is really going to find out.
If you truly enjoyed dressing, then purging will not change a thing... it’s a temporary solution to a permanent problem... except you have the guilt and worry of dressing along with the guilt and regret of throwing out more femme clothes that you’ll end up going out and buying again to replace.
When the guilt comes on, just take a deep breath, and distance yourself from it..l put the clothes in a box and store it in the back of the closet, under the bed, in the garage, in the attic, in the basement, etc... just take a break ...
Everyone has felt guilt or shame. Time and eventual self acceptance will melt away those negative emotions. There's no schedule; everyone's journey is different and it's not a race. Communicate with like minded people and your journey will be and feel less difficult.
I was weighed down by guilt and shame when I first arrived here. But, all the girls here told me CDing in NOT all that weird and I'm not harming anyone. And, altho it took me 3 years, I finally came to agree with them!
CDing does NOT mean you're pervert. It's not much different than adults who play with little train sets!:heehee:
And, if you're careful, you're not hurting anyone by wearing women's things.:battingeyelashes:
I confided to my former GF about my dressing. I was incredibly nervous and it took me quite a while to screw up the courage. When I finally did (haltingly) tell her, her response was, “i think you’re being way to hard on yourself. It’s really not as big a monster in the room as you feel.” It really helped put things in perspective for me. Guilt/purge comes with the territory for many of us but I think my GF was right, it isn’t the BIG monster I feared. Good luck on your journey.
Katie,
It is hard sometimes to discover what the " BIG" problem is , if people could understand some of us have been dealt a gender misalignment at birth , the sooner everyone understands that the easier it is to deal with it and live with it . Maybe the fear comes from misguided media , the need to dress differently aligns the inner person with the visible being , it's not weird , it's not a perversion but we can't stop it affecting people in different ways . In some cases it touches on their own inner problems , they struggle to deal with us because they're fighting their own problems .
My wife said to me sometime ago that it's not all about you ! Indeed it isn't , so we shouldn't be made to feel guitly or ashamed of something we have very little control over , we need to come to terms with our situation so we can comfortably live with it .