CD?ing linked to libido...and always back and forth on it. ARGH!

A little while ago I decided to embrace my fem self. I put a lot of time, money, and energy into hair, makeup, fashion, losing weight, caring for skin, etc. It takes a LOT of work to try and be Chloe. To try and be passable. I was in it for the long run. Then I got on meds to deal with depression and anxiety. They reduced my libido. Soon their after I came to the decision that I felt it was affecting my relationship with my wife and I should stop crossdressing. I simply lost all desire to do so and was revolted by how I looked as Chloe.

Now that Ive been on these meds for awhile, I?m starting to feel a bit more back to normal again and the desire to dress comes back. Ugh...

I am so tired of this back and forth. I commit to stopping, I cant. I commit to not stopping, I cant.

It just seems so tied to sexual desire and those feelings always change. So my commitment to crossdressing...or not...also always changes.

I wish I could just stick with it one way or another. I dont even care which!

Anyone else dealing with this and solve it?

i did the anxiety/depression meds for about 8 years. they worked in the beginning, then the desire to dress returned. they upped to dosage three times and the result was the same. I finally stopped the on my own, I didn't stop cold turkey as I know this can be dangerous. I sought a different doctor who prescribed T blockers, but I didn't stay on them long enough to see any results

This being something new, it can be hard to get a handle on. Is it just a fad? Is it just a kink? I’m sure you’re familiar with those kinds of questions. Get your anxiety and depression under control first, though that may be hard depending on how linked it is with your dressing.

Also, dressing doesn’t have to be one thing or another. It can just be something that’s there when you need or want it, but doesn’t have to come out to play when you’re not feeling it.

And as for the sexual nature... it’s easy for that to be a point of shame for people. Like it makes it some kind of “lesser” act. If it’s only ever a sex thing to you, so be it! No shame in your desires. But here’s also where you can make a leap. Sexual can lead you to find your Sexy, which might sound the same but it’s not. In sexy you can find your feminine power, which will often carry over to your male life.

Chloe, I'm a so called "fetish" dresser. On this site it means I have some sexual involvement with Sherry and my dressing. But, since I don't have a wife or partner? That's not really an issue.

But, u do have a wife. Your problems r a lot bigger than, to dress or not to dress. If u r having "libido" issues with either, or both, Chloe and your wife? U need to discuss them with your doctor(s) and a counselor. It sounds like u need help ASAP! And, we here don't have the knowledge or qualifications to help u.:sad:

Best wishes! Please keep us in the loop. We care!:thumbsup:

This is always an interesting question when asked.

. Many people have different stressor / release mechanism's for different reasons. Psychologically it can be like some people who have a rough week, go out and golf to de-stress. some fish, other have more destructive de-stressor such as drugs and alcohol.
I'd say that crossdressing for some is a preferable alternative to destructive behaviors.
. The mind is also capable of wet wiring itself through repetitive tasks that release endorphins into the brain. The issue is that if the stressors increase and the release mechanism (cross dressing) does not produce sufficient release, then more intense behavior is required to get the same release level. An example is adrenaline junkies like skydivers and base jumpers and rock climbers.
. Sexual release(endorphins again ) work in the same manner.

Transgender persons may have some of the above characteristics or none at all. It all depends on the individual. From years of reading Gender Dysphoria may be the biggest stressor of all culminating in gender transition.

In the end, do what you need to to lead a healthy happy life for yourself and your family and watch out for things that are destructive to you and those around you.

So my meds have helped a lot abd Inhave control of my issues. The other problem is my wife wont tell me not to dress but she really hates it. She doesn?t like the idea of me doing it when I am doing it. She doesn?t like the smell of makeup remover when Im done or the hints of mascara left over on my blonde eye lashes. The dresses and wig in my closest, the constant attention to new clothes and my body. She hates all of it...but wont tell me to stop for fear of resentment towards her. That?s a big motivator for me to not go back.

Chloe;

Meds can be a great help and with the right Dr, you can make great strides in having a healthy life. Read up on your meds and the types of treatment, it always helps. Are you seeing a therapist ? I go twice a year for what I call my bi annual tune up. I unload all of my issues , and find its very therapeutic. a good therapist will suggest ways to improve not only your behavior, but some of the issues with your family. At some point you may want to invite your wife to the FAB section here. A

Chloe,
Depression and it's treatment is difficult enough to deal with , I was prescribed Prozac long term , the depression didn't subside completely but the problem was I didn't really care . I lost the guilt and anxiety about dressing so felt OK about which was something my wife wasn't happy about . Eventually my wife and my GP persuaded me to stop taking them , so now I had new options to consider , I still had the need to dress but it wasn't going anywhere so I finally pushed for counselling . MY GP was great and sorted it for me , my wife was pleased initially because she thought it meant a cure .

The lesson learnt from this is most of us are born with this trait , we need to deal with it by taking on the role of female to satisfy that part of the brain . For those in this situation with dysphoria , denying it and attempting to stop it is long term very destructive , I nearly ended my life through it and the problem with acceptance from my wife .

Throwing money at it may be a short term fix because you feel it makes you more passable . Forget the passing question , none of us pass 100% , it's more important you find a balance and become comfortable with it . I've been out full time now for over two years , I now have that balance and I'm so happy , what people see me as I can't say but I haven't been misgenderd yet and believe me I don't throw a lot of money at it because I don't have that sort of budget .

When I entered gender counselling , I was prescribed anti-depressants , I took them for a week and the old side effects came back , so I stopped now I don't get depressed because the parts of my life that contributed to it are now small enough to deal with them . Medication has it's place but it doesn't cure the problem to me it glossed over it , one day the reality of the situation has to be dealt with .

Medications are not going to resolve any issues with your wife's dislike of cross dressing. In your opening statement you indicated you spent a lot of time and effort to create Chloe. I don't know what you looked like or acted like before and after your efforts. I am sure your wife knows. Are you still the man your wife married? Or have you become someone else? You could have very well eroded the relationship you have with your wife. And, there are the subtle reminders; smell of makeup remover, hint of mascara. And, the not so subtle reminders; clothes and wig in the closet.

It's not wonder you're having bouts of depression. You have a pull toward Chloe to deal with a need. Unfortunately, it is also interfering with another need; the relationship with your wife. Then, there is your wife's needs. I am not offering any resolution of the issues in your life, but loading up on medication is not going to solve these issues.

Qualified help, as in qualified to deal with gender issues, is important here. This may well be garden variety clinical depression. A waxing and waning libido would line up with that, and if there's a fetish component to your dressing, all the more so. On the other hand, it may well be gender dysphoria, which often presents with very similar symptoms.
My gender dysphoria went undiagnosed for decades. It's a scary thing to confront, but I knew that whatever the outcome, I would be better for having done the work.

I totally understand and it is frustrating, but making lemonade out of lemons is more fun. Bet the farm...no matter how often you try to quit or slow down...it always returns. Sorry to hear about your wife. I?m one of the fortunate ones. When she senses I?m tired or under pressure, she suggests dressing. It?s always amazing to me the effects of dressing, even if just a few things...especially thigh highs.

Hi Chloe,

I'm sorry that you are struggling.

This is the part of your post that I don't understand:

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The other problem is my wife wont tell me not to dress but she really hates it. ..... and: She hates all of it...but wont tell me to stop for fear of resentment towards her.

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I doubt that you want her to say that you should stop dressing. And yes, she probably doesn't want to say anything negative for fear of resentment toward her. It sounds like maybe she is trying to accommodate your desire to dress, even though she doesn't like it. Maybe your therapist could shed some light on that. Obviously you know that she "hates it" but would you stop if she wanted you to? That's a huge request. And does she have to like it for you to be happy? There are many couples that just pursue their own interests and the partner doesn't really have to "like" it. I don't have any advice but I feel there is perhaps a conflict with the fact that you KNOW she doesn't like it. I suppose there is always the compromise but I have no idea what that would be. Only you and your wife can work that out so that you both can be happy.

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Originally Posted by Chloe_S

It just seems so tied to sexual desire and those feelings always change. So my commitment to crossdressing...or not...also always changes.

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Hi Cloe_S,

I'm not sure if I can say what I want to say properly - but I'll give it a shot.
(this is just food for thought. Take it for what it's worth, and not a penny more)

When I first started down the rainbow path (sounds better than "road") of chasing my gender dreams, I too noticed a definite connection between sexuality and putting on feminine things. I thought for quite a while that it was because I was in the "fetish" category of dressing.

But it didn't feel quite like the right answer.

Eventually and gradually, I came to realize that the "true" answer was more complicated. For me, it isn't the clothing that turns me on - nor is it the dressing up.
NO - for me it's the feeling (or fantasy, if you prefer) of being more feminine. I find that in a romantic or sexual pairing, I'm not so much interested in being the pursuer, the aggressor, or the masculine one . I want to be the one that is desired / pursued / loved. I want to be the more feminine of the two, and dressing makes me feel just a 'smidge' closer to that dream.

So - any medications that kill the libido also tend to diminish my 'need' to dress, since then nothing makes me feel desired (or desirable) anyway.

For me, the need didn't go away - the medications just took things down a few notches. But maybe that's because I've always felt that I was supposed to have been a girl anyway - with or without the sexuality part of it.

I too, wonder if I'm alone in feeling this way.

I can't say I've found a solution... just a balance. As I've said in other posts, I'd like go to full time. My wife would like me to stop completely. We've "met in the middle" with a partial DADT situation. I get nighties and panties. Anything else is kept out of her sight. We're both a bit uncomfortable, but can live with it.

I hope you and your wife find YOUR balance point - with or without meds.

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Originally Posted by char GG

I suppose there is always the compromise but I have no idea what that would be. Only you and your wife can work that out so that you both can be happy.

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I remember this old saying, but can't remember who said it

COMPROMISE: an agreement where both sides are unhappy.

:heehee:

I have a low libido but dress everyday so I would assume there is no link between that and my urge to dress. x

Chloe, your difficulty is not at all unusual. One thing that may be affecting you could be your view of gender. If you believe that your sex determines your gender then problems with the conflict between what you should be and what you actually are can result in severe depression. I was mildly suicidal 8 years ago as result of that conflict. In that case, it is better to conceptually disconnect sex and gender to let the more natural lack of connection between the two take over. A good gender therapist might help you to get a better grip on accepting who you are. Sure helped me, but, as is always the case in therapy, the therapist doesn't fix you. They set your mind to working on a different pathway that leads to you resolving your own problems. (One of my daughters is a therapist.)

As Teresa said, we tend to start out with genetically based biases toward how male-like or how female-like we can potentially be. But nothing is determined; it is more like predispositions. Our experiences in childhood then create neural patterns in our brain that may emphasize certain predispositions that are turned on. Thing is, predispositions don't come with off switches, so to speak. You can't turn them off. You can only use them or regulate them if you don't feel good about them.

The sexual sensation link is common in almost everyone who is gender variant, but usually it goes away sometime between 10 and 20 years old. But it can last much longer or even a lifetime. And it can cause problems. But by disconnecting gender and sex, once again, can relieve that reaction which has become a bit cemented into your head. It never really goes away completely, but it can decline tremendously.

Also, consider this. You may think your wife hates you doing this and she may even show outward signs of not accepting it and saying so. But she may also be wrestling with a similar quandary. It could be, as Char was hinting at in her post, your wife recognizes it is a part of who you are and she doesn't want that removed because she recognizes you are a better person when your variance is running more freely. She can dislike it in principle, but accept it in you in fact because, well, she loves you.

Perhaps another solution is to drop back to lower levels of dressing and see if that creates less tension in your view of yourself and in her view of you. You don't have to dress all the way everytime; change your style some and see what happens; explore your gender identity to see where its boundaries lie. For example, just include a few things that remind you that you have a bit of a female-like bias in your gender. You may find some combination of lesser expression that is quite comfortable but does not deprive your brain of seeing some kind of compliance with the way you fundamentally are. Our brains are flexible and can adapt to many different ways of doing the same thing and fulfilling a personal requirement that comes from your basic configuration in a way that Teresa talked about. Two years ago, Teresa was all over the map with her gender. Then she found her way to a path that produces comfort and not just a bunch of stress and spells of dissatisfaction. So, maybe you need to loosen up a bit and explore other pathways of gender expression.

I hesitated and digested comments for a while before responding. Gender and sexuality among transgender (including CD) people is inevitably a muddled up mess. We often discover both gender incongruity and sexuality about the same time in life, and these experiences often overlap and intermingle. Its quite hard to tease out separate strands of identity from this tangle, especially in those hormone-charged teen years.

I felt like the two identities were one thing for much of my adult life, but as I moved into middle age, the two diverged. Separated from sexuality, gender expression seemed to take on a greater significance on its own, as did the desire to feel accepted by my SO. I am afraid I conflated my SO?s tolerance of my evolving gender identification and expression for a desire on include that expression in intimacy. And I am afraid that I mistook her reluctance in the latter with rejection of me as a whole person. At least that?s how I understand the situation now

Therein lies the problem. As in my experience, i suspect many of us have partners who want to be supportive and understanding, but at the same their gender identification and their sexuality are wired in a manner that conflicts with ours. My ex sincerely wanted me to feel free to express my gender identity. She also recognized (eventually) that the whole mess just was not her cup of tea.

It is so nice to see all the comments on the subject and a lot of good advice from all the girls.
I find some comfort in reading that we are not alone in this thing we do, and it is only natural to try to have the best of both worlds!
My comfort also come from my past reasoning to be the husband first....always.
It keeps me from thinking I am selfish because I won't dress when I desire.
It keeps me from feeling guilty because I keep a secret so she don't feel disgusted.
And it allows me total freedom to get out and about when I do not need to be a husband.
Keeping the two identities separate from all my social circles makes the whole thing work for me.
But once the genie is out of the bottle, trying to juggle all the emotions of such a society defined reality can be overwhelming prospect.
Maybe you can find a way, to package your husband and girly identities into separate realities?
I think once your wife understands you will be Husband first and always, she may feel better about your girly side being more of a hobby than your new personna, if you will.
It kind of hard putting into words so I hope you find a way to control the emotional rollercoaster our feminine desires create.
Managing and controling your life with duel identities is never easy! If it was, I think more men would show there feminine sides!
All the best to you.:battingeyelashes:

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Anyone else dealing with this and solve it?

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I am not dealing with the spouse/married issue but my girlfriend tempers /limits the bisexual side Miss Chloe. That is MY struggle. Which is fine with me because she loves me, when I dress and is tied to sensual side. That I can live with until I cant and will move on relationship wise.

Its all about decisions right Gurls????

My advice is; you found your true self i.e.dressing and it is the first step and the second your seeking help professionally and 3rd writing here.

Everyone else who responded so far, is awesome and they articulated warmth and your not alone moments on a web page...

STAY the course and the fog will clear!

"Meds" all have side effects. They may fix one problem but cause other problems.

I suggest talking with your doctor about what the meds are doing and see if there are alternate medications or even if you can do without them.

I can so relate.
But when I think about it I love cross-dressing, the only thing I hate about it is the people who put us down for doing it.
Some people can be such Bummers!

For me, the crossdressing and transgender desires are subconsciously repressed, and only come to the forefront of consciousness when under stress. That can be one of many things, and unfulfilled sexual or affection (love) desire is certainly some of them. I had gone for almost ten years before getting married, with no need to crossdress or even think of wanting to be a girl. It was only when I was working two jobs, and having an unhappy wife and home life, that the desire to crossdress came out of the subconscious and became impossible to ignore. Rather than waste a lot of my mind's resources, I just crossdress whenever I can, alone, which seems to be enough. Even though the desire to do so is sort of 'on the back burner' all the time when I'm not dating anyone, I just pretend that dressing up as a normal man is just sort of wearing my 'man uniform' to do whatever tasks need to be done, until I can come home and dress the way I feel that I should.

It comes and goes away. But it always comes back. Plan accordingly. Don't throw anything away, or you will be buying more at a later date.

I don't know that I've "solved" this but I feel I've moved past it.
When I was a teen my dressing was an incredible thrill. It was stimulating, forbidden and very sexual. The release that accompanied this brought guilt and shame and the two sides of the coin were difficult to balance. Later it still held excitement but not to the level it did originally. Now so many years later it's no longer at the forefront. There are times when I feel particularly sexy or feminine due to my outfit, the venue or just my mood and the "thrill" rushes back but for the most part I feel I've become like most women. That aspect is not in mind and daily life rules. But every now and then....it's just so lovely being a woman.